Blue

Hmm, it appears as though I have skipped almost the entire month of June. Don't take it personally I was busy. A wedding in Tahoe, the Father's Day bbq brian and I threw at the house, and various other social obligations. It's been nice to be so busy. But now I am a little run down.

Brian and I have established a savings account to cover expenses for my maternity leave. The plan is to have enough so that I am able to take 3 months off and Brian is able to take 1 month off. It should also cover any medical bills that are left over from my deductable. We are about 60% there. After every month that has gone by with no good news I tell myself well at least we'll have one more month to save... I also think how great it will be when we have reached our goal, because I hate the pillows on the couch in the living room and I can't wait to buy new ones. I keep using that goal to keep my mind off the other one that I just can't seem to attain. I think about the freedoms we have because we aren't tied down to a sleeping infant. I tell myself that in some ways I'm already a mother. But that's bullshit. The truth is none of that helps on days like this. I ache to be a mother... I think about it all the time. Everything is a reminder. I'm getting so tired of waiting. So very tired.