And I Lost It

I was stuffing Christmas card envelopes last weekend, when I suddenly and completely fell apart. I just burst in tears. A wave of gratitude and I guess... relief; just bowled me over.

Relief that my darkest days are behind me.  

It's been years since we've sent out cards. In fact it was only three short years ago that I couldn't bring myself to open any of the cards we received, or even get a tree for that matter. 

Throughout our IF journey, Christmas has been particularly painful. (obviously, I know we weren't alone there.) It only reminded me of everything we didn't have. 

But Christmas wasn't really the culprit, the truth is I was a complete and udder train wreck for most of the last four years. It wasn't until the last few months that I have really made the time to reflect on where I was. Part of me thinks I've been too afraid to fully digest how bad things really were. It consumed and effected every part of my life. I let it. I guess you could say I was the poster child for 'leaning into it'. But I don't think I could have done it any differently. That is just how I function. I have to breathe things in, and really feel them in order to process the situation. Boy did I ever. And it was abysmal. 

But now? 

Now, I am obscenely, unabashedly happy. All the time. Sure I've been in a mood from time to time, but truly 98% of the time I am grinning from ear to ear. But I will never forget how lucky I am. And how so many of you, including some very dear friends that I have met through this community, whom are still fighting a very brave fight. Thank Gawd I found this community. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE, FOR BRINGING THESE WONDERFULLY AMAZING BRILLIANT COMPASSIONATE GENEROUS WOMEN INTO MY LIFE. 

**** I wrote this post a few days before the Newton Tragedy. Even the word tragedy feels like an atrocious understatement. I read one of the first reports that came out about it and not a single thing more. I stayed away from facebook. I couldn't watch or listen to the news. What happened... destroyed me. I felt physically ill. I was in tears on and off throughout the weekend, clutching my daughter. Shaking my head as I bit my lower lip trying to keep myself from completely losing my shit, again and again. I don't even know how to process what happened. All I can do is pray for those beautiful little babies, and all of the victims, and their families. This has to stop. IT JUST HAS TO.  

I Still Don't Get It...

We battled for almost five years before we received the greatest gift we could ever hope for. Our daughter.

I know the depths of the IF battlefield so well that it still knocks the wind out of me when I think about my darkest days. 

It haunts me. 

I am afraid of who I was. 

Terrified that it will find me again. 

The anguish. The sorrow. Consumed on a daily basis by the fear of the unknown. It's crippling. Still.

When I see my dear friends, in the blogosphere and in real life suffering; consumed, paralyzed by loss. By failure. It crushes me.

Especially now that I know the joy, the unbelievable gift of a child. It kills me that much more to think of my friends who have been denied the experience. Who have suffered losses. 

I want it so very much for them. 

Why can't children come from wishes?

Coming Undone

I’m losing faith in this cycle.  And more than that, I’m losing faith in the concept of IVF ever making us a family to begin with… Nothing with Infertility ever seems to work out to be cut and dry. Nothing Textbook. Nothing as planned. At least for me, anyway.

I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that my journey here isn’t remotely close to coming to a conclusion. Intellectually I can comprehend the fact that three and a half years compared to a lifetime is relatively small stretch of time. But it is so fucking hard to keep any conviction in the fact that this awful period will be someday be a distant memory when you’re chest deep in the shittiest parts of it.

I'm just exhausted from all of this. Exhausted from not fitting in with my friends. From shots and pills, that aren’t making the slightest fucking difference. I’m forty five shots in and have nothing to show for it. Still. No. Period. I’m exhausted from pining and aching for this person I’ve never met. From dreaming about babies that will never be mine…

Since my period STILL hasn’t shown, I’ll be going in for another u/s and E2 check tomorrow as planned . I want to scream at Dr.3, and tell him whatever fucking method he was going by clearly isn’t working and he needs to figure this shit out. Quick. That I didn’t just hand him my life savings, but every ounce of faith, every dream and every part of me that aches to become a mother. And he needs to start treating me and this cycle as such. Like every bit of my happiness is resting on his shoulders. Because it is.  I’m tired of watching our future hanging in the balance. And wondering when or if it might fall.

But I won’t because I’m chicken shit, and as soon as my pants come off and that paper dress goes on my mind goes blank and all I can manage are simple phrases and sentence fragments. I sincerely hope this is the Lupron talking and not really my entire belief system crumbling before me. Because it sure fucking feels like it.

Strong Enough

We're supposed to visit some good friends this afternoon. Their baby girl is a week old today. In anticipation of her birth I bought a gift about a month ago. So that I wouldn't have to handle shopping for the gift, and enduring a visit in the same period of time. It would just be too hard. I bought her some Sharks onesies. Something I had anticipated buying for ourselves for a very, very long time. Her daddy is a big Sharks fan, and I knew how much he would appreciate it. But since the day that I got them I've wanted to return them. It feels like a purchase I should have waited to make until it was finally our turn. Like somehow buying those clothes for someone else was a resignation or an abandonment of a dream. If I decide to get them something else, I will donate the Sharks stuff.

I can't keep it here.

We're struggling with the impending visit, and at this moment debating whether it is something we can withstand at all. And it makes me feel like an awful friend. It makes me feel weaker than I know I am, and also selfish.

But today isn't just Sunday, the day we're supposed to meet our friend's new baby. It's also my second Blogiversary. And I find that I'm feeling very conflicted about it. On one hand I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. The friendships I've made here are deeply cherished and more than I ever anticipated; imperative to my well being. I'm grateful for the history it has recorded. It's a constant reminder of how amazing my husband is. I truly believe that Brian is my soul mate, and he's made me a better person in every way possible. And as horrendous as infertility is, it's made us infinitely stronger.

While I continue to feel appreciative for all those things, today I can't help but regard this place as a potent relic filled with anguish, and despair, and failure. Sometimes the thought of how much I've shared here is overwhelming, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And all at once sorrow when I realize how much time has actually gone by.

I don't quite know how else to say it. Today is flooded with disappointment. Disappointment that another year has gone by and we still have an empty spare bedroom. And disappointment from letting a friend down. If we don't show, I'm sure they'll forgive us, but I know this is a day I will never forget.

Happy Time: O-V-E-R

I've been away from Fac.ebook for several months now, I'm sure you can all figure out why. Only popping in to accept a friend request or return a message. Until last week when I peeked with one eye open at my home page to see what some friends where up to. I was pleasantly surprised to see only the mundane mentionings of the coming weekend, and a picture of a new tattoo.

Then silly me, thinking that the water would be safe, I stuck a toe in this morning only to be greeted by TWO pregnancy announcements!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I swear that place isn't going to be safe for me until I'm in menopause... And who knows if even then I'll be okay with it... Who can say how long IF will really stay with you. As of right now I can honestly say that I feel as though I am forever changed. I don't really think that pregnancy announcements will always sting as much as they do now, but I wonder how they will feel ten years from now, or even five. Will I still feel resentment for those who get pregnant easily?

And I have a confession to make... Lately I've started to feel a sting from announcements within the IF community... But it's not resentment. Those pregnancies, were hard won and I'm proud of the ladies who fought and finally won their battle. It's just that their happy news reminds me of what I'm still missing... And the longer I find myself sitting on the sidelines, the harder it is to keep sincerely cheering everyone else on. Ugh, I really hate admitting that, and I'm truly sorry if it hurts any ones feelings - that is most certainly not my intention. I feel like a complete asshole saying that, but I know if there's anywhere I can be 100% honest, it's here.

I really don't want those two announcements to bring me down, but damn it. I was hoping that being on a break would soften the blow of any news I got, because I wouldn't be knee deep in treatments or a tww. But they still suck just as much...

Okay. ENOUGH whining. Back to having some semblence of a normal life. I liked it a lot better that way. Being sad sucks.

The Longest Day

Well, *deep breath* we made it through Christmas Day, and we're home now. I've been dreading today all month. What was once one of my favorite holidays, is now only a painful reminder that we're still only a family of two. And my heart aches so badly for more. I love both of our families, but I would have been so much happier lying in bed all day instead of having to put on a happy face. Pretending that everything is okay, that there's no gaping hole in my chest, that watching happy movies doesn't make me sad because there's a happy family buried somewhere in the plot, and it only reminds me of what we're missing.

We made it to both of our planned destinations, but not once did I stop thinking about bolting out the front door. I wanted to run away. To bury my face in Brian's chest and open my eyes when it was all over, and safe to be sad again. I don't want smile. I want to grieve the time that we lost this year, and all the failed cycles we had. I'm just so tired. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it's time to cycle again. So I'll have had a break, but not actually have to experience it. And I won't have to remember that yet again, there's no chance for us this month. I'm so tired.

Over and Out

I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.

Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.

I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.

Slowly, But Surely...

Hey there, sorry I haven't been posting much. When I was in the darkest place, I was too far gone to complete a train of thought. But this last week is mostly because I've kept myself incredibly busy and just haven't made the time to write. Having gone to two Sharks games in three days may have also contributed to that. Even now... I struggle to come up with the next sentence, but it's strange because I feel I have so much to say. I've been doing better emotionally. It's funny because making that first call to my therapist made a big difference. Just knowing I was taking a step to get some help lifted a huge weight. The appointment went well, I'm going to continue seeing her for the next few weeks. The days following my first session were full of ups and downs, but I'm happy to say the highs were higher and the lows were not nearly as low, or as difficult to shake off as they have been in the past. And would you believe I even made it through an entire Baby Shower without hurling myself through a plate glass patio slider?!?! I KNOW!

Don't get too excited, I'm still not feeling quite myself, but I'm lucid enough to know how strange it is to be so sad all the time. I hardly recognize that side of me; weepy consumed, despondent. While I've always been one to cry over things a simple as commercials, or a greeting card I still felt pretty confident in the viability of my mental health. But sometimes looking at the mess I am right now makes me think I seriously overestimated myself. Good god, how ever did I make it this far in life without spending a good portion of it in a loony bin?!?!

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

So I'm 9dpo today. I'm going to string out my prometrium until Saturday when I'll test. I'm not feeling super hopeful, but I haven't given up yet either. I know how very much I still want this, and feel it's going to happen for us eventually... Which is why there's still that twinkle of hope thinking that it's always darkest before the dawn, what if this turns out to be our month? Blah, Blah, Blah.

I'm sorry I've been so bad about commenting, please know that I've been lurking and of course thinking of you all. Hugs.

Nope.

I can't even begin to express my sadness and frustration. I don't know how fucking much more disappointment I can take. We are swiftly running out of emotional and financial resources to continue doing this. I feel helpless.

How could it be negative?

We had every odd in our favor. I had two giant follicles, perfect timing, and a decent motile count.

I'm so infuriated.

So defeated.

A Little Bellyaching

My Google Reader is getting heavy. She is packed to the brim with updates that measure Weeks and days. My blog roll is beginning to get a little lopsided as well. This revelation makes me both happy and sad. Happy because so many of my IF sisters dreams have finally come true. Then sad, because I'm still sitting on the sidelines. Please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for the many, and MUCH deserved pregnancies. I'm just feeling a little left behind, which is really another way to say I'm feeling sorry for myself...

It's getting harder to imagine a BFP. It just feels really far away. I used to picture myself in the early morning hours rubbing the sleep and groggy blur out of my eyes, only to fill them again suddenly with tears of joy at the mere sight of my second line. I don't do that anymore. I've stopped imagining how the day will be. And how I'll tell Brian. It seems so foreign now. I realize I must sound unreasonably glum considering I'm only on my third cycle. But it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Anyway, today is CD11. I'll start doing my OPK's on Saturday. As long as my cycle behaves this month, I should go in for my next series of IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.

Hey, while I'm on a whining spree, can I just say how fucking tired I am of peeing in Dixie cups?! I never though it would be possible to despise a paper cup, but every time I lay my eyes on the enormous stack in my bathroom cabinet I literally groan out loud, like they're the equivalent of an impending root canal...

My Big Fat Failure

I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.

I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nope

I woke this morning to a screaming migraine. Typical pms. Exce.drine migraine and a strong pot of coffee always helps clear it up, so I tested just to get it over with. BFN. Game over.

Thanks for all of your support this cycle.

A little to the left...There. Stab me right there please....

Son of biiiiiiitch. I got the dreaded email every infertile hates to get, this morning. A good friend of mine and his wife are pregnant. They are aware of our situation. And even though I figured I'd hear this news any day now it still knocked the breath out of me. I'm trying to pull my shit together and not cry in my office. I am completely deflated.

I have to give them some major Infertile points though they handled it really well. My friend told me, before his own sisters, or any of our friends that way we wouldn't be the last to know. I'm really grateful for that. Here is a small blurb:

"So, I have some killer news that I wanted to share, but have been struggling on just how to share it.
And with that, here we go...
#$%^&* and I are preggers. Today is "officially" (I think) the 12-week mark. I wanted you guys to be some of the first people we told, but I also knew that it might be the hardest situation to handle. So, hopefully you understand why I went this route. I wanted to let you know as personally as I could without putting you in a position for a forced response.
I know you and Brian are having a tough time, and #$%%^&* and I really, really want you to know how much we are there for you."

This letter still makes me want to jump off a bridge, but I really respect the fact that they came to us first. We recently had some friends whom, we thought we were close with; wait until they were 20 weeks to tell us. They had avoided us and lied to us about it during the 8 weeks when everyone else likely knew. Probably just to spare themselves some awkwardness.

Fuck. I am shaking right now. I think I will have to wait until tomorrow to respond to them. So as to avoid crying at work and all. It sucks because my first reaction was like: "How could he send me that first thing this morning?! Doesn't he have a clue that sending it to me over the weekend would be better???!!!" But the truth is, it would never be a good time. Even when I knew it was coming.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

If you have a second, I could use an Internet hug or FIVE MILLION. Thanks.

The Deepest Blues Are Black

First things first. I want to thank all of you for the well wishes on my last post and the emails and conversations that followed. They meant SO MUCH. I get an immense amount of comfort in knowing that you've all been there. And for those of you that haven't, just the simple offer of support is greatly appreciated. Your words helped to remind me that this actually is REALLY hard, and that I'm not just extraordinarily weak. I was beating myself up thinking that I had over estimated my own strength against all this. Thank you for picking me up.

I've been in a really black place for the last few weeks. The darkest I've ever seen. It was scary and lonely, and to be honest I'm not quite sure I'm completely out of there yet. In the past this blog has gotten me through some ugly days, even when no one was reading it. Just typing things out was consoling enough to get me through the days where Brian had done as much as he could. But this time I was so low, I couldn't even comprehend expressing my thoughts. I was paralyzed.

On top of that we had a little relapse in the DECISION 2009 of IVF over DI. To the extent that I had a phone meeting with a Financial Counselor at our Clinic to get a closer number on what exactly it would cost for IVF. The last information we got was from our doctor and was technically a ballpark. 14k for IVF, plus 2-6k for meds, averaging around 18-19k for people with our medical background. Not including the 1k in blood tests I would need to get things started. And another 2k for an FET if the IVF doesn't work. So a minimum of 17-19k, Maximum of 21-23k.

Once we had the hard numbers from the clinic we talked again about how difficult it would be financially. We also figured out that it would push things back at least a year. And that is including asking family for help. Since November of last year we have spent over six thousands dollars on testing alone. That was most of the money we had saved for my maternity leave, before we actually knew that IF was going to be a part of our lives instead of a baby. We're pretty conservative financially speaking. We've worked really hard to get were we are. We don't have a big fancy house, we don't live beyond our means, we rarely take vacations, and I make Brian's lunch almost everyday. We live comfortably but are definitely governed by our budget.

While I think DI is a wonderful option for starting a family, I can't help but worry that my yearning to start a family NOW is unreasonble. And that waiting a year or so to save up the money for IVF might not be as horrible as it seems. Brian has told me repeatedly that although having a bio kid would be ideal, he really is okay with DI and that he just wants to be a Dad already. He knows I feel exactly the same way, but I still wonder if part of his acceptance of doing DI is just for me. To spare my sanity, my heartache. He is that kind of man. 250% devoted to the happiness and well being of his wife and marriage.


I may always wonder what might have been. But for now I think we need to focus on what our future holds. It's time to look up, and move forward.

Undone

Have you ever missed someone you've never met? Or ached for something so much that its hard to breathe?
I'm down today. I should have seen it coming. I've been pretty even keel, since our first meeting with the RE. Calmly putting it all into some kind of perspective. Was I just fooling myself? How do you organize your feelings for something like this? I've calculated and plotted. But it seems as soon as some sort of conclusion is reached, it all comes crashing down behind us. And I feel lost again.

Clarity

Writing yesterdays post was easier than I thought it would be. It also felt better than I thought it would. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel free.

The dust is still settling on life we thought we would have created together, but amongst the ashes is another one. Together, of course. The agony I felt month after month when I realized that something I thought I felt and loved never actually existed, is beginning to fade. And the horizon looks clear, and wide open.

There are still so many questions running through my head. The "what ifs" that I can't escape, the "what nows" that I try to focus on. I think about the fact that we still have options, but I flinch when I realize the roller coaster of emotions that would come with it, and the odds that are stacked in its favor. I think about the fact that the lines in our families may stop with us. If my brother never has children, or if Brian's brother never has children. That's it. I think about how much this will weigh on our families, especially our parents, when they realize they may never have grandchildren, at least not by us. And the list goes on...

When will I stop thinking about it everyday?

Will I always have this kind of resolve?

Should we come right out and tell people, like we've just booked a trip to Mexico, or should we wait until it's a topic of conversation?

Will sending out Christmas cards with my dog's picture only remind people that we can't have children?

What will become of the friendships we have once more of our friends start having kids?

How will I feel I at Baby Showers and children's Birthday parties?

What in gods name will I write about now???

Nope.

This is probably the last time I will write one of these posts. The results from the tests show that we are very unlikely to conceive without medical intervention. Brian and I have decided that we do not wish to pursue treatments at this time. Man that sounded litigious. I didn't mean it that way. Let me start over.

I'm not going to post about when I get my period anymore. Brian and I are going to be D.I.N.K.'s (Double Income, No Kids) or better yet: Aunt Liss and Uncle Brian. Before you freak out, let me say a few things.

A.We are very aware that there are other options, medical procedures, adoption, etc.
2.We are not closing the doors on having children forever, but this is our plan through at least 2009.
C.We don't need your input, we need your support.

This has been an excruciatingly painful year. Having been a basket case, and hyper-focused on one goal has been extremely difficult on our marriage. It's affected everything from my overall happiness to my job performance. We can't live like that anymore. The strain is just too unbearable. The test results have brought us to a new level of closeness in so many ways. Brian and I have really bound together and feel immensely connected. We have taken this decision very seriously and talk about it nightly. It's something we both think about through out the day.

We have an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist on December 19Th. But basically just to get some information. We will begin telling our families in the coming days. Some of them may even begin visiting this blog. I welcome that. In the mean time, I'm going to focus on everything I've left behind in the last 16 months: Me, my husband, friends and family. I'm going to appreciate the Holiday's and take one day at a time. I need that.

A Long December

I can't wait for this year to be over. I know everyone complains about how time goes so quickly- "I can't believe it's almost Christmas", and so on.  But this has been a very long year for me. For us.  A long and disappointing year. Every month giving me a two week block of time where I swear I can feel the earth spinning that much slower.  

What is it about this month that presents the motion to reflect on what exactly you've made of your life in the last 48 weeks?  I wish I could forget it all. I know having gone through all of this made me that much stronger, I can at least see that. But the amount that I've grown will never fill the void that I feel. Like a flightless bird.  I feel broken. 

Your Vote Counts

I feel pretty exhausted today. Last night we stayed up watching the election coverage, I cried many tears of joy and this morning my eyes looked like marshmellows. I know it sounds silly but I cry over Saved By The Bell, so a new president would surely make me loose it. I slept well, didn't wake up once infact. But something about crying just takes it out of me. I actually still feel like crying but I think it's just the phyisical hang over from having hyperventalated the night before. So I'm exhausted.

I'm also coming to the sobering realization about beginning this first round of testing. I've been so eager to get this started that I didn't think about the fact that now we will have to be concerned about results. This leads to a repeat of the seesaw I've been on since we got closer to the dreaded one year anniversary of ttc. Do we see a doctor? Do we wait it out? Obviously you know our decision. But now I am trying to control my emotions, and speculation which is proving much more difficult than that one decision. Here are my choices:

A. Hope that I am already pregnant and the $150.00 doctor visit was for nothing. (I'll know this sunday)
B. Hope that I will get pregnant immediately after the HSG, provided that evertyhthing is okay on Brian's side.
C. Expect not great news from all our testing, but hope that it's nothing that can't be fixed with a reasonable amount of time and money.
D. Not think about it, just focus on not crying at work. =)

What say you internet?

Sticking A Fork In The Baby Making Road

What if I never know what its like to see that second line on a home pregnancy test? What if we can never have kids?

I have recently been reading other women's blogs about TTC. Most of them are much further into the journey than I am. Most of them are talking about fertility treatments that include pills, shots, creams, and even surgery. Most of them have been trying for years and have spent thousands of dollars and still haven't gotten pregnant.

What if we don't want to go that far? What we don't want to adopt?

I feel like we have been through so much in the last year. But in comparison to the heartache that some couples have been through, we ain't seen nothin' yet. I feel like this really may not happen for us. And it's not sadness talking, but maybe a kind of resolve. Like I am coming to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for us. I feel like the time is closing in on what kind of discussions we need to start having together then with our families. I hate that two weeks ago I was ready to break down the doors of the first Fertility Clinic I found and jump into their stirrups, and now. Well now I don't know if I want to deal with any of that. Part of me wants to just find out if we can or not. But then I think about the people who didn't take that route. I have one friend who tried for two years then finally got pregnant - with no medical intervention. We have some friends who tried for nine years and some who tried for thirteen and finally got their baby... Do I want to hang on that long? I don't know.

What we will spend our double incomes on? What sort of exotic vacations are in store for us?

That probably sounds insensitive right? Well what if I'm feeling insensitive?! Haven't I earned the right to be sarcastic and cold?

I was five days late this month. FIVE. I have never been that late. I took at test last night and it was negative. Then I got my period this afternoon. We technically took last month off because of the medication I had to take for that rash. Brian and I were still careful and didn't "try". But lets just say our method was not exactly bomb proof. So when I was late this week I was all: NO WAY! Are you kidding me? That would be just like us to get it right when we were trying to get it wrong! But we didn't... And that medication? Well it fucked me all up. It gave me such bad vertigo I was afraid to drive. And Sunday I had such strong fatigue that I barely got out of bed all day. It felt like the time I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh. Where do we go from here?