The Call.

My doctor called early this evening. The ringer on my phone has been on the loudest setting since I left the clinic yesterday. But the phone was in my hand when it rang. And though she told me the results would likely be in Thursday or Friday, the instant I saw the number I knew it was her. 

Dr. B: Hi, Is this Melissa?
Me: Yes?
Dr. B: Hi Melissa it's Dr. B, I have some terrific news for you. 
Me: Uncontrollable sobbing....

The calcifications were 100% benign. 

I asked her several Questions:

Is this cluster a precursor to developing Breast Cancer? No. Benign Microcalcifications are not dangerous. But they should be monitored.

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF? In her 20+ years of experience, she has not personally seen a link between women who took fertility drugs and Breast Cancer. She is aware of the research being conducted regarding the two, but would not agree conclusively.

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two) This, I forgot to ask. I was kind of a mess, and missed this question.... I will either call her back, or check with someone else.


How soon should I get my next Mammogram? You should be monitored annually for several years.

We had a lengthy conversation, but I only remember that it put me at ease. I thanked her for the comfort and support she and her staff provided. 

The last three weeks, and the last five days in particular have brought a whirlwind of fears. And I'm not afraid to tell you that I let my mind travel to the darkest corners. I assumed the worst. It's almost hard to believe still. 

I am just so incredibly grateful.



*Also, I updated my last post to include more detail about the biopsy.

Biopsy'ed

So as best I can tell, my appointment went pretty well yesterday. But, I will say my anxiety about the whole thing got the best of me. I pretty much ate my feelings all day, and while I was sitting in the waiting room I damn near passed out from the pressure of it all. At one point, as much as I wanted to get it all over with I actually prayed that I wouldn't be the next one called because I was genuinely concerned about having to stand up and walk down the hallway. Deep breathes seemed to be of little help. I finally text and begged Brian and Teresa to play their moves on Words With Friends so I could distract myself. 

That finally helped a little.

The staff there is really nice, the radiology tech put her arm around me and rubbed my back while she walked me down the hallway and explained how it would all go.

This is the table I was on. Basically you lie face down on the table over a big hole that your boob hangs out of. In this case, it was my right side, so I turned and faced the wall (my head on the right side of the table, feet on the left). The tech I mentioned before helped me to get as comfortable as possible. Strategically placing folded towels to cushion my ribs and elbow from un-padded points on the table. Even brushing my hair back from my face.

Once they had me where I needed to be, I closed my eyes and began to meditate. Trying my best to breathe into each chakra.  It was difficult. I was pretty uncomfortable, and just generally uneasy. I can't remember how edit the pictures to add arrows but if you look under the table you can see the wall type thing and metal plate in which they use to compress and contain your breast.  They then raise the table so that your boob is about eye level for the tech and doctor. Which means I was about three feet away from the ceiling. 

I'm not claustrophobic, but that certainly did not help matters. 

Once they have you and your boob and place, they take x-rays to determine where the calcification's are and where they need to angle the needle. In my case, the shortest distance was through the side of my boob. The doctor places a topical numbing agent, then a local to numb your entire boob. The tech explained what the doctor was doing while rubbing my back. She also brought me a warm blanket to help relax me. The procedure itself is very quick, it's the set up that take FOR.EV.ER. *I did not confirm this with the doctor or tech, but they warned me that I was going to hear a noise, then feel a thud. I'm pretty sure the thud was the Biopsy needle being thrust into my breast, all done by a machine.* After the sample is removed, they xray it to make sure there are calcifications in it. Then they get you up and do another mammogram. Apparently the needle that removes the sample also leaves a marker that can be seen on xrays. So they take another shot to show where the sample was taken from.

So here is an xray of my boob. The camera on my iPhone is not really equipped to take photos of xrays, because it appears much brighter than in person. For reference the very white areas are really just dense breast tissue but it's a little blurred. Under magnification you can see the calcifications which show as tiny, brighter dots. The circled area is where the calcification was/is.

They bandaged me up and stuffed a cold pack in my bra. Told me take some Tylenol when I got home. Except I didn't go home. See yesterday was one of the days I work with Brian in the office. So I went to work in the morning, then he took me to the appointment and we went back to work afterwards. I liked that it fell on a work day, so I wouldn't have to explain to my MIL why I needed a sitter, and why I wouldn't be able to physically pick up Leah for 24 hours. It's just not information I want to share with her yet... 

So yes, Brian went with me to the appointment, but the room was a little too small to have him in there for the procedure.  After that he took me out for ice cream. Which was his suggestion and really just very sweet and thoughtful.  (oh, and when I say went back to work, I mean surfed the Internet and iced my boob.)

By the time we got home last night I was EXHAUSTED. I think the anxiety of it all just plain wiped me out. Today I feel fine, but my boob is very tender and the area sore. It feels like someone whacked it with a Tire Iron. No bruising to speak of yet. I can tell that the stress of it all is still getting to me because I noticed hives this morning. And as if hives weren't bad enough, I always get them on my butt first. NO idea why, but you're welcome for that little gem. 

So I'm hoping to hear back by Friday. Also hoping that I can manage to keep my shit together until then.  I also clearly need to distract myself from the whole thing, because I am shaky again just writing about it. Blehhh.

Thanks again for all of your sweet comments and prayers. 

I really truly appreciate them.

*Added by request, per comment!*

15 Months!

Dearest Leah,

Please forgive me for the lapse in getting your letters published. I have been keeping notes, but not finishing my posts... But let's get back to you! You, are fricken amazing. And brilliant, and hilarious, and silly, and sweet, and curious. And you just make every day better. 

You are walking everywhere and getting pretty darn good at it. Although you still sometimes resort to crawling when you want to get somewhere fast. You're also climbing (thanks dada). This is not my favorite accomplishment, but you look so darn proud of yourself when you get up on the couch, it's hard not to be happy for you. In fact you initiate applause as soon as you're able to sit up on the cushion. 

You in the front yard, during a surge of 70 degree Spring weather

At your 15 month check up, you weighed 21 pounds, 15 ounces which puts you in the 61st percentile for weight. And measuring 32 & 1/4 inches puts you in the 95th percentile for height. (No surprise there!) Dr. P said you're doing wonderfully, and to keep up the great work.

While you're super chatty you only have a few actual words that you say. The most common is "Nom-nom" when you're hungry or thirsty. If you're upset and you want me, we hear "mamamamam", in a decidedly desperate and whiny tone. And sometimes when we look out the front window you'll point to where daddy parks his truck and exclaim "DA!". The other two things you say most infrequently are "nigh-nigh", I say that each night when I turn off the little fish lamp on your dresser, right before I put you to bed. Then, while it's not really a word, you seem to have a sound that you use to point out cats and dogs. It sounds like "Gih-Gee", we call them kitty or doggie, so you're close! Our next door neighbor has a cat named Mango, who likes to sit on our porch and clean himself or just survey the neighborhood. This inevitably makes you lose your mind. You love animals, and squeal with delight the very moment you recognize them. Fortunately, this doesn't even phase Mango, and he continues to sit there anyway, minding his own business. 

We went to the Oakland Zoo for my birthday, 

you were intrigued but not overly amused.

(Even when Daddy got in a mock Tortoise Shell)

You are currently getting over a cold, that you got from your dad. And now, I have it. It was a pretty rough cold, while you got away with a low-grade fever, you had a fairly mean cough to show for it. It kept you up a lot, and there were three nights in a row where I would set up camp in your room and recline the rocker so you could sleep on my chest to stay somewhat elevated. Honey to coat your throat and Benadryl to help you sleep proved very useful. It might sound silly but I loved every second you slept on my chest. It broke my heart that you were sick, but I loved comforting and snuggling you.

You still use socks as a 'Lovey', for some reason. There are socks all over the house, though seldom are we able to find their mates. I don't really care though, cause it's pretty fricken cute in my opinion.  It appears as though you might be telling me where you'll put that sock if I don't get the camera out of your face soon. So I did. 

Over all my love, you are growing and thriving, and getting smarter every day. Witnessing this is the most amazing gift I could ever ask for. You're Dad and I continue to be more and more grateful each day. 

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love, Momma

Taking It All In and Blocking It Out

My title makes me think of Kevin Nealon in Happy Gilmore: "Harness Good, Block Bad"... Anyway.

Thank you all for your comments/thoughts and prayers and texts, in some cases. They really meant a lot. 

I was pretty down when I wrote that post, and was feeling helpless and terrified. I tend to wallow in things, to breathe them in for processing. But I didn't want to do that this time. Still I jumped on Doctor Google, and for once he put my mind at ease. If there are cancer cells, it will indeed be very early stage and it can be sucessfully treated. Which made me feel a bit better. 

So I have mostly just been trying to keep my mind off of it. My biopsy is Tuesday, and Brian will be going with me. They will give me a local to numb the area, and from start to finish it should be about 90 minutes. I'll need to take it easy for 24 hours, meaning no lifting Leah. I should expect tenderness for a few days and bruising for a few weeks. They will send the Biopsy to Pathology, and I should have the results within 72 hours. Which means, I should have them before next weekend. Nice to know I won't have to wait too long. 

I think the questions that keep running through my head are: 

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF?

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two)

Does the concentration of calcification put me at higher risk to develop Breast Cancer?

If they are pre-cancerous or even cancer cells, does getting them at such a young age (34) mean I am at a higher risk to develop more in the future?

To Be Continued...

Inconclusive

I had a sinking feeling from the very beginning that I wouldn't get the all clear from my Mammogram. They found "A concentration of calcification" and they "want to rule out anything abnormal". I should preface this with exactly what the doctor told me. That 80-85% of the time it turns out to be nothing. But the other 15-20% finds either pre-cancerous cells, or early stage cancer.

My appointment was this morning. They had me scheduled for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound. They told me the appointment would run about an hour and fifteen minutes or so. Within 15 they had me in the room and undergoing the mammogram. I thought it seemed odd when several of the other women I had come in before, had already come and gone. Then the technician came back and told me we needed to take some more pictures. And my heart sank. After they got the extra shots they immediately took me back for the u/s and the technician did her thing (they of course, can't tell you anything) and when she finished she didn't tell me to get dressed. She said to stay put and that the doctor would be right in. The tech noticed me trembling and brought back a warm blanket, while I starred blankly at the ceiling.

When the doctor came in she was smiling and very perky. Which at the very least distracted me for a moment. She said "Okay, you look terrified so let me first say.... I did not see anything in your xrays that screamed CANCER, or anything big bad and scary. What I did see was a concentration of calcification." She went on to tell me that I would need a "Stereo-tactic Core Needle Biopsy". She said that she had had one herself and it turned out to be nothing, she does them on a dailly basis and most of the time they are nothing. I asked her to clarify, if it is SOMETHING, what's next. She said it could be pre-cancerous, which is technically not even cancer. Or it is in the very, very early stages of cancer. 

I know that the odds are descent that all of this will in fact be fine. But I can't help but feel terrified and completely out of control.  My immediate thoughts go to anger and death. The anger part of me says "FUCK YOU CANCER, and immediately makes me want to sign up for a double mastectomy with reconstructive surgery. And the other part says, I cannot leave my daughter and husband.  I cannot fill her early years with me in the hospital, and sickness. What the fuck???? I don't mean to come off dramatic, I am just really really scared. The doctor was the head of the department and she will be doing the biopsy herself. She was really nice and very clear about how scary it feels. How the next few days might be rough ones. She said the worst part is right now, when you have no answers. And I thought, Fuck, I know. I've been there before...

At Ease... For Now.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and informative comments on my last post. They have certainly put me at ease for the moment. I had really started to freak myself out with all of the worst case scenario thoughts. The more I read your comments, the more I recall reading how much your breasts change post pregnancy/breast feeding, and your body in general...

While my cycles have been normal since getting my period back in October, my PMS is totally off the grid. I used to get cripplingly sore breasts (for 7-10 days before and during!), lower back pain and a migraine on CD1. In that order. Now, I am sad to say, I turn into a big bag of crazy the day of. Rage being the primary emotion. And it appears that only chocolate can appease the monster. I'm a walking, talking, screaming fricken cliche... But hey, at least I got to keep the migraines! Wait... Oh, and now I get cramps, which blows on top of all that. Why am I telling you this? I decided to write about it instead of screaming it from a roof top with a hostage. So much less work.

Anyhoo, quick thing about the email comments on my last post. I understand the laws for HIPPA regarding medical info. I really just meant that I wish she could have emailed the Mammogram and u/s requisitions. The nurses with my RE used to email my blood test req forms all the time. Would have been nice to have them the day of, instead having to wait a week for them via snail mail.  So I got the req's in the mail yesterday, and my appointment is next Friday.  They told me to allow 2 hours for the whole appointment. I will also be doing routine blood work, so I'm thinking of heading there early and treating myself to a nice breakfast downtown, in between the two appointments. 

Stay Tuned...

Annual Panic

Last week I went in for my annual exam. The midwife I used for Leah's delivery is on sabatical, so I went back to my old OB's office. Yes, the OB I left due to personality conflict. The main reason is because his office works with Dr. 3's office, and when we do our FET (at some point) we'll need to go through them for testing. Annnnd I don't actually have to see my OB, I can work with the Head Nurse Practitioner, whom I adore. She really held our hands through the first few weeks of my pregnancy after Dr. 3 released us. Doppler checks and peace of mind/elective ultrasounds. She kept us sane. And also, she got pregnant after I referred her to my Acupuncturist. (PCOS/MTHFR/MFI) So I feel a kinship of sorts with her... So you can see why I was oddly looking forward to my annual exam and PAP.

I was greeted with a squee and a hug, just as I presumed. We chatted about our babies, motherhood, and how other people are idiots. My three favorite topics. As my exam went on, I mentioned this odd shooting pain I'd noticed recently in my right breast. It's not terribly painful, it's just a little peculiar, and it gets my attention. I have been doing regular self-exams, but my milk ducts are still quite prevalent so I'm having some difficultly discerning... differences. She could feel my ducts as well, but wasn't sure she could find anything of concern. Still since Breast Cancer runs in my family and we've done an IVF cycle, she opted to send me in for a Mammogram and an u/s. 

My first Mammogram.

I have several reasons to believe that it is nothing. One, the timing of this peculiar pain correlates with a new exercise regimen. The shooting sensation may be an area with distressed tissue due to that fact. Two, all of the research I've done regarding "lumps" is not consistent with the textures I have felt. Though I have suspicion they may be cysts or fibroids (pleaseGodplease). Also, Leah uses my girls a lot for leverage and I wonder if there has been a specific trauma that I forgot about. 

But there is a small part of me that is absolutely, positively terrified. I've yet to do any research on what to expect for mammograms, anyone interested in sharing their experiences?

(I haven't got an appointment yet. We got so busy chatting that she forgot to give me the paperwork and instead it's being mailed to my house. #Whythefuckdon'tmoreregulardoctorsuseemail??? )