Birth Story, Part I

The first thing I want to tell you is how grateful I am that my labor and delivery went so well. I really did try to be aware that things could go the exact opposite of what I planned. And things sort of started off that way. I guess one of the things I hadn't planned for was being one of those women who had no idea they were in labor...


But before I jump into the whole me being oblivious part, I need to tell you about my 38 week appointment. I almost posted about it at the time, but decided that I might have been being a little hormonal. And the fact that I would even refrain from ripping a particular Medical Assistant a new asshole on my semi-private blog, should tell you that I was probably a bit irrational as well. 


So. My 38 week appointment. Sitting in the waiting room. Medical Assistant calls me back. Weighs me (gulp). And takes me in to the room. She starts with chit-chat then dives right into talk of induction. For me. At 38 weeks. I start to explain that I wasn't interested in discussing induction at that point and she asks why. I tell her that A. it was more than NINE days before my due date and I hadn't had any complications that would necessitate an induction or even talk of one. And 2. We were planning a natural childbirth and were hoping to avoid medical intervention. I would see my acupuncturist and try all the home remedies after my due date to get things going when the time came. You ignorant meddlesome whore. I'm giving you the toned down version, but she was REALLY pushy. And it pissed me off pretty good. I made it very clear to her that I wasn't interested in scheduling anything on the induction front, and that I wouldn't be held responsible for my actions if she continued to press the issue. 


Fast forward to my 41 week appointment (I was 40 weeks, 5 days). That same damn medical assistant opens the door and calls my name. I wasn't sure she remembered me, so I rolled my eyes and did my best not to punish her for our last interaction. But the same thing happened. Weigh in. Takes me to room. Chit-chat. Blatant agenda pushing. I smile tightly and tell her that I'd be sure to discuss it with Susie (my midwife) when the time came. But she continued. Brian could see the vein in my forehead start to bulge so he jumped in to the conversation in an attempt to extinguish the blaze and save her. STILL she persisted. At this point she started to take my blood pressure. Which, thanks to her, was SKY HIGH now. 140/93. She remarked and I told her I was a little frustrated and that I wanted it taken again at the end of the appointment. 


Susie came in shortly after that and sat down to chat. We talked about where I was, and I mentioned how frustrated I was with her medical assistant. I told her I was certain that's why my BP was off the charts. She said that can be the case sometimes, told me to take some deep breathes and that they'd check it again in a bit. I mentioned that I thought I'd had a few contractions but nothing that seemed consistent or substantial. 


The night before I noticed there were points where my back would hurt a little more than normal, and I felt a few twinges near my cervix-ish that would hurt when I walked - but really sporadically. I blew it off, because I'd been having significant back pain for a while and had been fairly uncomfortable and feeling lots of pressure down there for about a week, which the OB at my 40 week appointment said was normal. 


Susie said she wanted to check me just to see if there had been any progress from the week before when I was 1 cm. I totally agreed, even though Holy CRAP do internals blow. She got to work and while I practiced my breathing techniques to cope with the proding at my cervix. Shortly thereafter she announced that I was four centimeters. WHAAAAAAA??? 


But there was problem. My bag of forewaters was bulging and the baby's head still hadn't dropped. She was concerned about my water breaking and the cord coming out, and the baby's head coming down on top of the cord. If that were to happen it would be very bad for the baby and would mean an emergency c-section for me. She said we needed to go straight to L&D and that she wanted to start me on Pitocin to get things moving and hopefully avoid any danger. I suddenly felt very aware that things could quickly spin completely out of my control. And this is sort of what I had been most afraid of - That they would be over cautious and dangle the whole "make a decision NOW, your baby is in danger" thing. Let me clarify that my baby's safety was always first and foremost the priority in my heart and mind. But I didn't want to be pushed into a decision based on fear. They took my BP again and unfortunately, it had not gone down much at all. Susie checked my urine and there weren't any proteins that suggested Pre Eclampsia, but she was still concerned. 


After discussing whether or not we could go home, get our bags and have a little more time to decide, she made it clear that she was concerned and thought we should go straight to L&D.  We left the office and sat down in the lobby of the medical building to talk about things. We were partially scared and partially feeling concerned about being pushed into using medications. We decided to call my bff Teresa, who then called her midwife to see what she thought. Teresa delivered her youngest son at home with this midwife. She has 30 years of experience and only a handful of patients under her care who required c-sections. She said they could do an ultrasound to check to see where to cord was, so they'd have a better idea of how serious things were. Based on all of that information,  Brian and I talked about it a little more and decided that we would go straight to L&D, but try to stall on the Pitocin.  


While sitting in the lobby talking about all this, and on our walk out to the car I realized that I'd had several contractions. They were manageable but definitely got my attention. On the ride across the street to the hospital we saw a slew of nurses standing on the corner picketing for a strike over benefits. Fantastic... 

One Month

Dearest Leah,


Okay, so I'm like a week late posting this. In my defense I had written most of it on time, but needed to wrap it up. I was however, quite busy taking care of you. Alright no more excuses! Hey, this is my first letter to you since you've been on the outside of me!  Thanks for joining us by the way. (I wrote several that I didn't post) The last few weeks have been a complete whirlwind. I'm happy to say there have only been a handful of times where I've lost my shit because of your crying. And only because I couldn't fix whatever the hell it was that made you screech like a pterodactyl. And I hate that. It makes my heart hurt. I can't do anything else when you're crying, all I want is to fix it. Literally, I was in the loo while your Dad was holding you and I couldn't pee because you were crying. He was doing his best to calm you down, and he did eventually, but until you were quiet, I just sat there paralyzed.


I am loving every day with you. As exhausted as I am when your daddy hands you to me first thing in the morning before he leaves for the day, I can't help but smile. You're typically either half asleep or screaming for breakfast. Either way, I'm so grateful to finally have you in my arms again. I miss you even when I'm sleeping, and as much as I love the longer stretches of sleep for all of us, it some how seems too long since the last time I saw your squishy little face.


We started you on a pacifier about a week ago. And even though you take a little time to remember how to use it, it's nice to have that cork little piece of plastic to please you. We also started you on a bottle. I'm working on pumping regularly so that your dad can feed you more often. I think it's nice for you to have that time together. And for me to have my hands free for a few minutes.


One of my favorite things to do with you is let you sleep on my chest. And the only thing I like more than that, is watching you sleep on your Dad's chest. I try to get at least four or five naps with you each week like that. I can't explain how wonderful that makes me feel.


Sometimes when you're napping next to me or in my arms, you smile and laugh in your sleep. It's SO UNBELIEVABLY ADORABLE, I can't stand it. You've smiled a few times while you're awake, but it doesn't appear to be a reaction to anything, more like a reflex. So I can't wait until I'm able to make you smile regularly. It makes me exctied about all the laughs we have ahead.


Speaking of sleep. You wake up to feed about every three to four hours. There have been a few times that you sleep a WHOLE six hours straight. Which in theory seems awesome, but I wake up in anticipation of you waking up and then lay there while I think to myself, "she'll wake up any second now..." And then I lose sleep checking your bassinet every four and a half minutes for an hour. Super.


At your last pediatrician appointment you measured 22 inches, and weighed 8lbs, 15oz. And no matter how long my list is of things that I'm terrified are "wrong" with you, the Doctor says you are just perfect. 


And I couldn't agree more.


Can't wait to see what the next month brings...


Love, 
momma

Follow Up

I want to thank you all for your comments and support on my last post. To clarify, I did actually explain to my MIL at the time that I wanted her to come with me. I just wasn't honest about the nasty visceral reaction that made me want to scream: MINE. I didn't say anything to her or Brian at the time because to be honest, it really caught me off guard and I felt a little ashamed. I just forgot to add that to my post cause all my brain cells go out with my breast milk.


But Brian had me all figured out anyway. A few days later we stopped by my In Laws on our way to get some groceries. My MIL offered to watch her while we went, and before I could politely decline Brian howled and said "There's no way. Melissa won't leave her for much more than a shower or nap. Thanks though!" It was all said with love, as was my MIL's offer to watch Leah while we went to the store. I know that. I'm just not ready to leave her yet. Hell I miss her while she's in her car seat, behind me...


It's not that I think others aren't capable of watching her, it's just that I don't want to be away from her. It makes my heart hurt to even think about it.


So speaking of our little monkey. She'll be One Month on Sunday! In some ways it seems riDONKulous that she's been in our lives for a month already, but half of the time I constantly stare at her and wonder how she got SO big, SO quickly! She seems gigantic compared to when we first brought her home. 


I'm working on a post for her that I'll get up very soon. And I finished part one of the Birth Story, so you can look forward to those very soon!


P.S. Go Niners! 


P.P.S. I never watch football, and know very little about it. But I grew up in the 80's when the niners were a Dynasty. Also very close to the place where they used to practice. So, it's like a requirement...

Territorial Me

I'm the independent type. Unlikely to ask for help. Not out of pride, but just out of holding the solid belief that for the most part, I can do "it" myself. 


This is not always the case when it comes to the dynamics of my marriage.  I am more likely to ask Brian for help than anyone else in the world.  I'm sure he wonders what makes him so "lucky".


But Brian and I are very different. He will always ask for help when and if the occasion arises. Because that's how his family is; how he was raised.


We're probably both at the end of each spectrum, and neither is right, or better for that matter.


Let me get to the point.


Brian is back to work this week. He's a small business owner. He doesn't get FMLA or PTO.


His solution to my needing help this week, is to refer to his mother. 


Two things.


1. Taking two weeks off was very difficult for him. And technically, it was more like a week and a half. The second week he had to go in for a few hours each morning to get his two guys prepared for the day/week. So being back full time this week is more than overwhelming for him. He has a lot to catch up on. 


2. I love my Mother-In-Law.


BUT. 


I feel very strongly about relinquishing any duties related to us and our home. Not in a "My way or the Highway" kind of way. But more of a "THIS. IS. MINE." feeling. 


And that feeling multiplies in a way I can't even describe when it comes to my daughter. Again, not when it involves Brian, but anyone else. 


Earlier this week I broke down and called my Mother-In-Law to ask if she was free one afternoon. I needed to do some shopping and could use some help.  She replied with "Of course! Do you want me to watch Leah while you run some errands?" 


UM, NO.


I wanted her to come with me, while I ran some errands. I need to figure out how to do stuff outside of the house with Leah, and it would be nice to have a second set of hands while I do so. But the very suggestion of her taking my daughter, or my leaving her, if even for an hour, ran my hackles up right quick. 


So in a classic passive aggressive move to punish myself her, I cancelled our date the next day.


I realize that I am being ridiculous and totally unreasonable. And I don't know how to handle it. 


Am I alone?


P.S. She doesn't know I feel this way. Nor does Brian. 


P.P.S. I know I sound like a complete petty a-hole. 

My Body, My Boobies

So yeah, I'll be the first to admit it; post pregnancy - my body is NOT a wonderland. It's more like something Tim Burton created. 


But it's okay. 

My stomach is flattening out slowly, I only look about four and a half months pregnant. I'm still not entirely sure how much weight I gained because I switched doctors half way through my pregnancy. Plus my doctor's office always had a completely different number than my scale at home. Probably because A. their scale is in proper working order. and B. I usually weigh myself naked at home. First thing in the morning. Before I've eaten anything. But I'm thinking it's between 35-40 pounds total. Based on their numbers I've lost about 15 pounds since delivery. I kind of thought it would have been more, but whatever. I most certainly plan to get back to my pre-baby weight, but I'm going to allow myself the first six weeks to continue focusing on how not to be an unfit mother... 

I ended up with a minor first degree tear after delivery. My midwife doesn't grade tears by the number of stitches, but by the severity of tissue separation. She said mine wasn't bad at all. (Do your Kegels, ladies!!!) But things are tender. They have me doing a Sitz-Bath and using a squeezey bottle of warm water to rinse each time I use the bathroom. Both help take the edge off the discomfort. As do the 600mg Motrin. 

My boobies. Oi. Breast feeding is going well, now... The first few days were rough, as Leah and I were both learning how to do everything. She had a narrow palate, and we were both learning how to latch on correctly so I developed blisters on my nipples right away. That was super. But things got much easier once my milk came in. I think it helped that she didn't have to work as hard to get something out. 


There's a lot I'd like to share about breast feeding but since my time is limited, I'm going to throw it out there in bullet points. So for those of you planning to breast feed I hope this might be helpful. 

Commence Unsolicited Breast Feeding Advice:

• Even under the best circumstances, breast feeding is difficult for new mothers. And your nipples are going to be sore. Period. Because it's more than likely that you've never had someone attached to them 8-12 times a day before now.
• Buy Lanolin. Have it with you in your hospital bag, and in your diaper bag.
• Take a Breast Feeding Workshop if you can. My hospital had classes for them, it cost me $45 dollars but it was WELL worth it. If you can't take a class, I recommend picking up The Womanly Art of Breast Feeding or meeting with a Licensed Lactation Consultant. It will be worth every penny, I promise. 
• List of things to have before the baby comes: Lanolin, Nursing Pads, Softcup Breast Shells, Nursing Bra's, Nursing Tank Tops, My Brest Friend feeding pillow.  I bought the MBF and was given a hand-me-down Boppy that had barely been used, hands down the Brest Friend is worth the extra dollah billz. 
• Don't worry if your milk doesn't come in right away. I had been leaking milk and colostrum since about 28 weeks and mine still didn't come in until FIVE days postpartum. But boy did it come in quick after that.  I literally went to bed feeling like myself, then woke up looking like a Tara Reid wannabe. My boobs were ROCK. HARD. and super lumpy from all of the swollen ducts. I was in tears it was so painful. Brian sent Teresa (my bff) to go pick me up a Breast Pump, I wasn't planning to get one for a while, but good gawd, was it a life saver. I only used it to withdraw enough to be comfortable, and I haven't had to use it since.
• Shoulders Down! Be sure to relax your body when feeding. Also make sure there is a pillow under the arm of the side you're feeding on.
• Don't give up. I promise it will go from feeling like razor blades on your nipples to a gentle tugging. It's definitely not an easy thing to master but the benefits for both you and baby are monumental. 

I have to say in some ways, it's nice to sort of have my body back. To be able to bend at the waist, sleep on my back, to not have to pee every 43 seconds, and not have a consistent back ache. But that stuff aside, I actually miss being pregnant. A lot. I miss my belly and having her with me all the time. Feeling kicks, and movement. It was so wonderful. Not that it trumps having her in my arms, but I really, REALLY enjoyed my pregnancy, and I think of it often. 


I want to take a second to thank all of you for your love and support throughout my journey to get pregnant, and finally coming home with an actual baby... I cannot imagine where my life would be without having known you and the advocacy of the IF community. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...

Living On Love

Holy Crap you guys. Our little girl is amazing. I am so unbelievably in love, and not only with Leah but there is a whole new depth of respect, admiration and plain ol' squishy love that I feel for Brian and our relationship.


Not every day is easy, we're definitely elbow deep in "On the Job Training". Getting sleep when and where we can is always the number two priority over feeding, changing and comforting the baby, but all in all I feel lucky - she seems like a fairly mellow baby. We've found that working in shifts seems to ensure that each of us gets a few solid hours of sleep. Brian goes to bed early and gets up early, while I stay up late and get up a little later. For the overnight feedings, Bran gets up with Leah, changes her and wakes her up just enough so that I can get a good feeding in. While he is changing her I get myself a glass of water and arrange my pillows accordingly. Grab blankets and anything I'll need to keep us both comfortable. Once I'm set and feeding her, he goes back to sleep. Start to finish feedings take anywhere from fifty minutes to an hour and a half.


I've started several posts, but I struggle with wanting to spend every waking second with my husband and our daughter, over writing things down here so I can remember it all.


I've been working on our labor and delivery story, but I'll at least tell you now that things went pretty well and we were able to deliver naturally. Brian and I feel really lucky that my body didn't do anything too crazy and that my labor went as smoothly as it did.


I can't believe Leah's going to be two weeks old tomorrow. It's been a total blur. Knowing how close our due date was to the holidays, Brian and I had repeatedly discussed how we don't want Leah's birthday to ever be trumped by Christmas festivities. Funny thing is this year Leah's birth completely blew Christmas out of the water on both sides of our family. We haven't even opened any of our presents yet... They're all just sitting in a pile until we can figure out different nights for Brian's family and mine to come over for a Christmas redux.


Well, I need to go sneak in a shower while the sleeping baby window is still open (Brian had to go in to work for a bit).  So I'll leave you with a few pictures until I can update again. 


Happy New Year Everyone! I really hope this year brings us all prosperity in life, love, family building and finances! I say finances because we all know how much building a family really costs...

Brian, Leah and Parker

Little Leah on the changing table!

(p.s. we keep a heating pad on there to prevent ear piercing diaper changes)