This is not always the case when it comes to the dynamics of my marriage. I am more likely to ask Brian for help than anyone else in the world. I'm sure he wonders what makes him so "lucky".
But Brian and I are very different. He will always ask for help when and if the occasion arises. Because that's how his family is; how he was raised.
We're probably both at the end of each spectrum, and neither is right, or better for that matter.
Let me get to the point.
Brian is back to work this week. He's a small business owner. He doesn't get FMLA or PTO.
His solution to my needing help this week, is to refer to his mother.
Two things.
1. Taking two weeks off was very difficult for him. And technically, it was more like a week and a half. The second week he had to go in for a few hours each morning to get his two guys prepared for the day/week. So being back full time this week is more than overwhelming for him. He has a lot to catch up on.
2. I love my Mother-In-Law.
BUT.
I feel very strongly about relinquishing any duties related to us and our home. Not in a "My way or the Highway" kind of way. But more of a "THIS. IS. MINE." feeling.
And that feeling multiplies in a way I can't even describe when it comes to my daughter. Again, not when it involves Brian, but anyone else.
Earlier this week I broke down and called my Mother-In-Law to ask if she was free one afternoon. I needed to do some shopping and could use some help. She replied with "Of course! Do you want me to watch Leah while you run some errands?"
UM, NO.
I wanted her to come with me, while I ran some errands. I need to figure out how to do stuff outside of the house with Leah, and it would be nice to have a second set of hands while I do so. But the very suggestion of her taking my daughter, or my leaving her, if even for an hour, ran my hackles up right quick.
So in a classic passive aggressive move to punish
I realize that I am being ridiculous and totally unreasonable. And I don't know how to handle it.
Am I alone?
P.S. She doesn't know I feel this way. Nor does Brian.
P.P.S. I know I sound like a complete petty a-hole.
11 comments:
I think what you're going through makes a ton of sense! I'm not there yet because my daughter is due in 6 weeks time but I've always done things for myself and plan to do so when my daughter is born. That said my husband wants us to get help, a nanny & have his Mom help. I too love my mother-in-law but the thought of leaving my daughter (and she's not even here yet!) makes me go "NO, THANK YOU!" I worked hard for her. May I suggest just opening a conversation with your MIL and say "you know, I could really use your help figuring out how to be out in the world with a baby, would you mind coming along with me and help make this work?" That way she knows that you plan on doing this but her help is appreciated. GOOD LUCK!
I agree with Megan - just TELL her what kind of help you want/need at this point. I let my MiL watch Stella for the first time the other day for 45 min... It was ridiculous how hard that was for me, but it was honestly really nice to run some quick errands, and Gma loved the baby time. I mean, your MiL raised your hubby, so she obviously knows how to do it!
Megan said is perfectly. I know how hard it is to ask for help, and I can't imagine how hard it is to ask for help with someone you fought so hard for! Consider yourself tremendously lucky that you have your MIL to assist during this time. Enjoy having the help but don't be afraid to be very specific with what you need. I promise, even your MIL needed help when she was taking care of your husband and I'm pretty sure she had the same feelings about asking for it :) *big hugs*
You totally don't sound like an a-hole. You sound like me! I had a horrible time letting anyone, even my husband, do things for Cate, and when I did, I was still standing in the same room. It slowly got better, but I told Jeff about it, and that helped some. Don't feel bad, and definitely tell someone!
I don't have much advice but I can tell you that I am with you, but probably much worse. It's so bad I have turned away all kinds of help for my triplets!
The unhealthy part of it for me is that I feel like they are mine, and no one else's. I even feel uncomfortable when my in-laws mention all the things they want to do with them in the future. My thought is, those are things I want to do with them as my family.
I just try to tell myself that the girls are lucky to have people that love them so much. Also, as I get more confident in my role as their mother (they are 5 months) I have noticed that the territorial feeling lessens (a little).
You are not alone or an a-hole...just find little opportunities to accept the help, and I think the feelings will get better too.
Here's my raw advice: take help when you can. Now, you certainly should take the KIND of help you want that makes your comfortable, but when I look back I realized this is where we made a mistake or two. We did not allow ANYONE else to hold, change, feed, rock, or take care of our babies for months. Except for a few hours when my sister came and my mom came but otherwise, nothing. We did not allow anyone to visit or bring food. I thought I could do it all. I tried to do it all. I was so exhausted I couldn't see straight and in hindsight it was kind of silly. The meals part especially--accepting food didn't take me away from my kids. But having two babies at once, trying to bond with them, I look back and it was a sleep deprived blur. I dropped all this weight without trying, I was HAGGARD but I didn't have to be that haggard. Now, you are not me and maybe you are thriving and don't need a lick of help, but I would have killed for soomeone to go to the grocery store with me because loading and unloading two kids in the heat (it was still over a 100 degrees most days when I was doing everything myself), doing all the shopping, keeping them entertained, unloading it all in the car (I didn't even accept the GROCERY STORE employees offer to help for goodness sake!), unloading at home, yadda yadda yadda was exhausting, and kind of needless.
I didn't get any medals for doing it all alone either :)
So, if you can honestly tell her how you want help going on errands vs. leaving her I'd take her up on that. And eventually, you'll want her to watch Leah. Trust me. You and your hubs will want some alone time and having a grandparent close sounds heavenly!
Oh gosh. I struggled SO.MUCH. with this in the first few months of Camden's life (okay, probably the whole first year if I'm being totally honest). I wanted help, but I also wanted Camden by my side 100% of the time. So, like you, I just wanted someone else there to help if I needed to run to the store (they'd go with me, of course!) or take a shower. I guess maybe I was just looking for moral support more than anything else, because I certainly was not looking for a babysitter. I'm a Type A person anyway, but I was shocked at how that multiplied by about 1000% when I became a mom. The one exception was my own mom-- I let her help as much as she was able to. My MIL though-- no way.
I will say that it does get easier as time goes on. When you have a toddler running all over the place at full speed, you will welcome the opportunity for other people to entertain her once in a while. :) Still, Camden has only ever had an overnighter once or twice, and only at my parents' house. I didn't say I was totally over my control freak ways-- but I am way better now, I promise. ;)
Maybe it'll help to be specific in what you need, she probably is assuming you'd want to run around without Leah because it's easier that way. That's how most people think anyway. I'm with you, I don't ask for help either. Neither S nor I are good at that and it led to some breakdowns and fights over the past few months as we figured out how to handle every thing.
Hi Darling - oh i know exactly what you are talking about! Mr. T went back to work only a few days after Bu was born and it was overwhelming. But eventually with a little help along the way and a lot of steep learning curves I feel totally confident with her and i know what i can get done and what i can't. Help from Grandmas is always useful as long as they don't mind following your instructions! xxx
You are not being ridiculous and unreasonable. You are just still figuring things out. It's a hard balance to figure out how to juggle your needs (and hormones), your baby's needs and throwing in relatives into the mix. It will get better. I would just try to be specific in what you would like help with, and hopefully that will keep the opportunities for things to raise your hackles at bay. Hope things have been better between the MIL and you since then.
No no no! You are NOT being ridiculous or unreasonable. YOU are the mom. YOU draw the boundaries, and YOU get to decide what you feel comfortable with and that is that. Do not ever feel obliged to leave your precious daughter with anyone for any reason. Other people's feelings, (and oftentimes unrealistic expectations) take a backseat to everything, mama! Hugs and hugs to you. You stay strong and firm, and don't be afraid to put your foot down. This is your time now. :)
Post a Comment