Movin' On Up

So this cycle I decided to take the easier route in ovulation detection. I bought the Clear Blue Easy Digital Ovulation Kits. They take all of the guess work out of determining what is a positive test and what isn't.

With the tests I was using before, you have to decipher a positive test from a negative test. It shows you two lines, the control line and the test line. The control is always a dark pink line, but the test line varies in shades depending on the amount of the Lutenizing Hormone detected. A positive test is defined by the test line being as dark or darker than the control line. Although occasionally the test line will be difficult to read, part of the test line will be darker than the other so it seems like its not a completely positive test. You also have to pee in a cup and then dip the test strip in. It's a little inconvenient at work.

So with the Clear Blue Easy tests all you have to do is pee on a stick and then it tells you the results with no question. If it is negative it shows a blank circle, and if it's positive it shows a happy little smiley face. Which believe me after trying for so long, a simple little digital smiley can totally make your day. I fully intended to add a picture of that fantastic little smiley guy but I got my smiley at work yesterday morning and couldn't exactly bring my 35mm format digital camera into the bathroom with me. So while these tests are much more user friendly and convenient they are also like a billion times the prices as the other tests. The other tests which I get from EarlyPregnancyTests.com run around $0.62 a piece while the digital ones run about $4.28 each. And in any given cycle you can use anywhere from 3 to 7 tests. When you have a regular cycle.

Anyhoodle, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I got the positive test in the morning and then I had ridiculous cramping and a dull pain on the right side of my abdomen. They call ovulation pain like that Mittelschmerz. And I only seem to get it when I ovulate from my right side. So I'm on to yet another two week wait. Man I'm not sure how many more of these I can take... Commence hail Mary's.

**** Update****

Okay I did take a picture with the camera on my phone. I sent it to Brian to notify him of his pending duties. ;) It just took me a while to figure out how to get it on here.

H.S.G. = D.O.N.E.

Yesterday I had my HSG. It was rather painful from start to finish, Oh but I don't just meant the procedure. Basically the entire visit. I sat around in the waiting room with Teresa, who was sweet enough to take me because they recommend you don't drive home yourself. Finally they called my name and took me into a small room where they gave me a two gowns to put on (one for the front and one for the back) I sat around a little more and a lovely woman named Jill came to walk me to my exam room. She was the assistant technician to the radiologist. Before he came in she asked me a few questions regarding what day of my cycle I was on and the length and flow of my last period. I mentioned something about how my period was like a minute shorter than it normally was and she turned around and looked at me like I told her there could be weapon of mass destruction in my vagina. After shear panic set in for me, she hurried out of the room and came back to tell me that I needed to take a pregnancy test. So I said fine, I was hoping to see another negative pregnancy test this month anyway, just give me something to pee on. Despite the fact that I was IN A HOSPITAL, Jill had no tests and insisted that either I or Teresa go to a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. Let me just reiterate that little scenario in case you didn't catch it all: I was at the HOSPITAL for a test, because after 15 months of trying to get pregnant, I was still unsuccessful, but BEFORE they could give me this test, at THE HOSPITAL, they needed to make sure that 4 days after my last period, I still wasn't pregnant. GOT THAT?!

Good Lord. So Teresa ran to the store and got me the test and OF FUCKING COURSE, it was negative. So they finally took me back to the exam room and began prepping me for the procedure. Jill was very nice and explained everything to me like I was a 5 year old. Which I actually appreciated. The exam room was pretty intimidating it was nice to have my hand held a little. The radiologist came in, Dr. Knapper, as soon as I laid down on the table he said, "Whoa you're tall, how tall are you?" I told him I was 5'10ish, and he said "well you're going to have to scoot down on the table a little more" Then he said "You can never be too thin, too rich, or too far down on the table". He immediately apologized with a giggle and and said that he had to make a joke because I looked a little tense. I laughed. He was pretty nice. It was kind of cool because while they were doing it I was able to watch the monitor and got to see the dye fill up my uterus and spill out of my fallopian tubes. Pretty nutty. So I explained the procedure once before here. But let me just sum it up with: IT HURT. A LOT. I was pretty crampy and tender for the rest of the night, and even into this morning. But I feel fine now, all is well. And the best part is he said my test looked fine. Uterus looked normal, tubes were clear... I'm hoping that I will be amongst the small percentage of women who successfully conceive in the three months after an hsg. No pressure though right?

Ask Me No Questions...

One of the many battles I have waged over the last year or so is whether or not to tell people about our situation. Initally it was the element of surprise that made secrecy so appealing. I couldn't wait to take our families completely by surprise when we told them that we were expecting. But as the months rolled on I began to wonder why I kept it so close. We have only told a handful of people, and I still sort of like it that way. Never mind the fact that I created a blog about all things I couldn't find the courage to say to your lovely faces. It's only been a month or so that I even turned off the privacy settings. Up until that point if you had googled it , nothing would come up. Every now and then Brian will ask me, why. Why can't we just start telling people? Why do you feel the need to keep it bottled up like so many other things. We've had PLENTY of people ask us when we will start a family, and I typically dodge it by saying "someday". It's pretty much my biggest pet peeve. I don't ask people about their plans because I don't think its any of my business. (hint hint)

This is where Brian and I are VERY different. He typically speaks to many, many people about his predicaments and news. He gathers up their bits of information like a chipmunk preparing for the heaviest of winters. And I however, am like a fortress. Carefully selecting information that can be shared, and even filtering previously approved materials. I know that neither way is necessarily right. And I know that my tendency to conceal my dilema's is not exactly the healthiest path. But it's not as though I am concealing anything that could affect another person in a negative way. It just feels normal to me. Sometimes it doesn't even occur to me to share a particular part of my life with other people. But is my need for confidentiality all that abnormal or even worse, harmful?

After talking more about it with Brian I think we've decided to tell our families and maybe more of our friends after we get some information from this first round of tests. Because at that point we will most likely have a few answers for the considerable amount of questions that we will get from everyone. I don't know how comfortable I'm going to be with talking about it but I guess I have to start somewhere to find out...

Withdrawn

I went to the lab this morning to have my blood work done. I had an intriguing conversation with the lab guy:

Me: How are you today?

Tech Guy: Good. Have a seat.

Me: Mmmkay

Tech Guy: Make a fist please.(ties rubber around my arm, inserts needle thingie)

FIVE VIALS OF BLOOD LATER...

Me: Uhh do I get to keep any of that?

Tech Guy: The viles?

Me: No, my blood.

Tech Guy: (looks at paperwork, then me) Yes.

Me: Mmmkay. Thanks

Nope: with 50% more cynicism

The only way you can really be helpful when talking to a friend or family member who is having issues trying to get pregnant is by listening. Here are a few pearls of wisdom that have been passed my way:

"One Year isn't that long."
Shut up, yes it is. Infertility robs you of many things, contentment and sanity being the main ones. On top of that it forces you to live in two week increments: The two weeks before you ovulate and the two week wait to see if your attempt was successful. Again.

"Stop worrying about it."
Not only is that comment not constructive in any way, but you are basically telling me my feelings of frustration and sadness aren't valid. Piss off.

"Your day will come"
Don't patronize me with your optimism. My own didn't get me pregnant, what makes you think yours will?

And while I'm on my soapbox, DON'T ask people when they are going to have kids. If they haven't offered the details on their life altering decisions, they probably don't want to be interrogated by your ignorant ass.

Your Vote Counts

I feel pretty exhausted today. Last night we stayed up watching the election coverage, I cried many tears of joy and this morning my eyes looked like marshmellows. I know it sounds silly but I cry over Saved By The Bell, so a new president would surely make me loose it. I slept well, didn't wake up once infact. But something about crying just takes it out of me. I actually still feel like crying but I think it's just the phyisical hang over from having hyperventalated the night before. So I'm exhausted.

I'm also coming to the sobering realization about beginning this first round of testing. I've been so eager to get this started that I didn't think about the fact that now we will have to be concerned about results. This leads to a repeat of the seesaw I've been on since we got closer to the dreaded one year anniversary of ttc. Do we see a doctor? Do we wait it out? Obviously you know our decision. But now I am trying to control my emotions, and speculation which is proving much more difficult than that one decision. Here are my choices:

A. Hope that I am already pregnant and the $150.00 doctor visit was for nothing. (I'll know this sunday)
B. Hope that I will get pregnant immediately after the HSG, provided that evertyhthing is okay on Brian's side.
C. Expect not great news from all our testing, but hope that it's nothing that can't be fixed with a reasonable amount of time and money.
D. Not think about it, just focus on not crying at work. =)

What say you internet?

Great Expectations

Today we met with an OBGYN that specializes in the early rounds of fertility testing. I was pretty much right on the money as far as my speculation of our first round of tests. I will start with a blood test that requires me to fast, (boo) but it can be taken first thing in the morning (yeay). I'll have to get to the lab at 7:00am in order to be on time for work (boo), but that should still give me enough time to swing by Starbucks for my very limited indulgence of a pumpkin spice latte (yeay).

The blood test will be examined for glucose levels to make sure I'm not diabetic. FSH levels which is the Follicle Stimulating Hormone, this hormone is what stimulates follicles to grow which will trigger ovulation, its pretty important to have good levels. And lastly a screening for Cystic Fibrosis, this test is pretty standard for us white folks. About 3% of Caucasian people carry this gene and when both parents carry it there is a 25% chance that you could conceive a child that will have the disease. Since my grandfather is half Portuguese and Brian's grandfather was 100% Italian our chances of carrying the gene are greatly reduced, but not eliminated. This blood test will be taken on the third day of my cycle, or CD3. The first day of my cycle being the first day of my period.

Then on CD8, or cycle day 8, I will have an appointment with a radiologist for a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG. This is a procedure used to diagnose certain problems with the uterus and or fallopian tubes. Blockage in one or both fallopian tubes is responsible for almost 35% of infertility cases in women. A blocked tube can prevent fertilization of the egg or the passage of a fertilized egg to move to the uterus for implantation. Basically they will inject a dye into my cervix that will pass into my uterus and fallopian tubes. Then using an x-ray machine that will be placed over my abdomen, they will determine any blockages or abnormalities. Evidently its somewhat painful, especially because my uterus will begin expanding from the pressure of the dye, and then later it will contract to expel the dye. So I'll be having contractions. Great.

The good news is that the likeliness of pregnancy after an HSG is slightly increased. It's speculated that the force of the dye can help remove blockages or debris that have previously prevented the egg from moving along to the uterus to implant. Many also believe that the oil-based dyes have a therapeutic property that improves the environment inside the uterus.

The doctor we saw today was very encouraging, and has given me hope that our quest to begin a family isn't far from our grasp. I hope she's right.

Oh and Brian? He gets to do it in a cup.

Anticipation

Brian and I have our first appointment with a specialist tomorrow. I have to say I'm pretty excited. Even having made the appointment made me feel like we are that much closer to finally getting pregnant. Me. Pregnant. Holy crap. I know that realistically if these tests come back with any serious issues, that we are still looking at the very least, a year before any progress is made. There are just so many variables involved with treating infertility. Usually testing leads to more testing, which leads to medication, which requires more testing, which supposedly leads to me getting knocked up. So I hear. But that could take years. And lots of $$$$. On a side note, did you know it costs anywhere between $15,000 - $50,000 to adopt?!!! Jeez. Lets hope it doesn't get to that point.

Well I'll keep you updated with what happens tomorrow. I'm kind of hoping that just having made the appointment will have been enough to scare my uterus into conception but that is highly unlikely. I'm in the middle of my two-week-wait (or 2ww). I will likely know Sunday whether or not my scare tactics were successful. So I'll keep you posted there too.