Losing My Way

Blehhhhhhhh.

I got the writers block, yo.

I think part of it is because I've been a little overwhelmed with having gone zero to sixty in such a short period of time. Which lead to me spending recent days reflecting on the last year or so of my life. And cripes has it been a doozy. Especially when I think about where I was this time last year. (Cuckoo cuckoo cahchoo, man.)

Seriously, my chest feels heavy just thinking about it.

So I'm sorry for not posting much here, or being super great about commenting. I guess reading some blogs here, no matter what stage you're in - has been overwhelming in a different way - and that way, is part of what Brian calls "you'll never win, so don't even try". Those of you in the early stages reminds me of when I was there and the fact that I'm not any further along. Those of you who are parents already - for obvious reasons. Those of you cycling; well this one is tricky because I'm jealous and I want to be at the end of a cycle already, and at the same time aloof, because damn, I'm beginning to worry that I'm not strong enough to do this. And I kind of wish it was September again - before baseline ultrasounds, crappy test results, and specifics on financials for IVF came in.

Gah.

I'm not even there yet and I'm feeling a bit disheartened. Le sigh.

Meh

The title of this post completely sums up the way I'm feeling right now.

I'm 5dpo.

I have nothing to report.

Just wading my way through another two week wait.

I have no inclination as to how this cycle is going to turn out.

I'm at that point where I'm sort of feeling like it's never going to happen. I don't mean ever, but just not anytime soon. I'm terrified that we'll spend the rest of this year and the beginning of next year doing IUI's. And eventually have to stop and save up for IVF. And that, my friends, is going to take a long ass time.

Yesterday while leaving the store, I saw this man in the parking lot taking pictures with his blac.kberry of his two little girls jumping in puddles. The smile on his face was just as wide as his little girls'. I smiled at first too, but my heart quickly sank. Scene's like this me ache with longing. Will that EVER be Brian?

It's seems like it's less and less the Mom's that make me sigh, and more the Dad's. Fathers with their children on their shoulders, strapped to their chests, or even just holding their hands. When do I get to cherish the picture I took of our baby sleeping in Brian's arms?

I'm just getting so tired of waiting. Not impatient, but weary and haggard. Please god, please make it happen soon.

Some Whining for Your Reading Pleasure

Okay. It's starting to get to me. I was so proud of myself the first week. I wasn't bothered by my tww in the least. But this point in my cycle is when the supposed "magic happens". IF a little embryo is able to implant, it will be in the next few days. And the idea that I will know our fate in less than a week is simply maddening. I hesitated even publishing this post, because acknowledging my anticipation is only going to fuel the fire.

Now all those tww's that I spent googling early symptoms is coming back to bite me - I suddenly wish I didn't know any of them. At least I know I can't fall back on the old sore boobs bit. Mine start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Yeah, that's just as much fun as it sounds. UGH.

Your Daily Dose of Infertile Angst

Please! Somebody help me! I think my period is trying to kill me! In the seventeen years that I've had my period, this is most definitely THE. WORST. ONE. EVER. I normally get cramps for an hour or so when my period first starts, but I have had them for two days straight now. Like crippling, surging, agonizing death inspired cramps. I literally had to get up three separate times last night to like walk it off. They even woke me up! I was dreaming that I was being mugged and shot. When it was actually just my uterus conspiring against me. Sorry for the tmi, but it had to be said.

One a more exciting note, I got invited to a baby shower! Actually it's not a shower; its a "sprinkle" because this will be her second child. The new baby's Auntie and almost big sister will be throwing it. HOW PRECIOUS. We ran into the mom-to-be-again at Costco yesterday, with her cuter than cute (seriously she's adorable) almost three year old. She IM'd me this afternoon asking me to keep July 11th open for her special event. I told her I would, knowing that there would be absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I would attend. A few minutes later she sent me another message saying that Brian had told her husband about our struggle, and that she was thinking of us. I started to quip back in my head about how she should put two and two together and realize how insensitive her invitation was, when she stopped herself and said that if the shower would be too hard to be around she would understand. I thanked her, and told her I had already sort of planned to politely decline, and that I appreciated her understanding. I hate it when I get all self centered, and smug about other people's thoughtlessness or insensitivity only to have it thrown back in my face with a compassionate gesture or comment. And it's not the swallowing my pride part, it's the realizing how jaded I've become from all of this.

I'm tired of feeling slighted by a friends good news. Or envious of every young mother at the grocery store. I hate that I'm not more excited about my upcoming cycle. It's not that I don't want it to happen, believe me I do. But I'm not giddy, I'm not counting down the days, or even feeling all that optimistic. For all the strength I've gained from enduring IF, it's taken my innocence two fold and replaced it with experience and the knowledge that things don't always work out.


I am one cycle away from our first real chance of getting pregnant. So why aren't I more excited?

Exodus

I feel listless. I don't want to blog. I don't want to comment on other peoples blogs. I don't want to read updates in the forum I belong to. I don't want to think about babies. I don't want to think about how we're going to get one, or whether or not we ever will. I'm fried. I'm taking a break.

Infertile Haze

It's odd, I usually don't loose my shit until after I ovulate. But looking at my last post it's very clear that I was a tad unstable. I'm not ashamed, nor do I regret what I wrote. My words and feelings were genuine. As was my delirium.

But its nothing new. I think a large portion of our circumstance has made me irrational. I've been thinking night and day about our options for conceiving, but the lines between our choices have only become more blurry, and more complex. Leaving me more uncertain.

You should also know that I had another long conversation with Brian and he confirmed what I mentioned earlier. That I am in fact crazy. And that I worry too much. He assured me that he thinks about it almost as much as I do, and that he really is fine with either option. We agreed that we both would rather have a biological child but aren't sure yet by what means we'll get there. And we're still both very okay with DI... I say we flip a coin.

So there you have it. We're no further today than we we're yesterday or three months ago for that matter. I'm just able to recognize my lunacy. Again.

TWENTY-TEN

I turn thirty this week. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I thought I would have kids at this point in my life I actually would have said "Nofuckinway". Oh um, I spoke like a truck driver in those days. OKAY, so I haven't changed that much... I digress. I met Brian when I was 21, back then I didn't know if I wanted to be a parent at all. It was Brian who changed my mind. Not by badgering or bribery, but because he is a much nicer person than I am. And I'd like to replicate that if possible. The world could use a few more nice people, but we're still working on that.

When ever a birthday or holiday passes I remember last year when I spent time day dreaming about packaging up the happy news that we were pregnant with any given holiday. Ex: "If I got pregnant nooowwwww, I'd be twelve weeks at the beginning of May, annnnnnd my Grandpa's birthday is May 7th, SOOOO I could tell the whole family that he's going to be a great grandfather!!!!" Yet another example of how TTC creeps into EVERY aspect of your life.

So about my birthday. I've kind of been pretending it's not happening, and I'm not sure why. It's not that I feel old, it's just that I don't understand how I could possibly be in my 30's. It's all too bizarre. I have made a few plans to celebrate though, Brian is taking me to a fancy dinner then to see Wicked up in the city. I haven't really decided if I want to do anything with friends, since I might kill myself after the show. But I guess I'll play it by ear. Happy Birthday to me.

History

Given everything that I've shared with you, I think we can safely agree that 2008 was most definitely on par with a raging case of herpes and a severe UTI. And Brian and I couldn't have been happier to celebrate its departure from our very own living room, with a few good friends.

I'm trying to stop thinking about how horrendous the past year was and starting looking ahead again to what might be. In the days following our initial decision to remain an Aunt and Uncle, I couldn't help but feel giddy dreaming of the potential freedoms that lay ahead. I thought about taking a few classes at CSM. I thought about planning some weekend getaways, and even about learning how to play the drums. I want to join a wine club, and finally do something with the spare bedroom. It's been that awful peach color for much longer than it deserves. And maybe, just maybe it will be a nursery one day. But I can't plan for someday anymore. I need to think about tomorrow. And what I'm going to cook Brian for dinner, and more importantly what kick ass bottle of wine I'll be serving with it. Maybe I'll take some cooking classes - improve my knife skills. I'm definitely going to start jogging again. I miss the clarity it gave me.

As pretty as that "plan" sounds it's quite possible that a month from now I'll be posting about how we're trying to sell both of our cars to pay for IVF. But as far as expanding our family goes - I'm not going to think that far ahead yet.

Withdrawn

I went to the lab this morning to have my blood work done. I had an intriguing conversation with the lab guy:

Me: How are you today?

Tech Guy: Good. Have a seat.

Me: Mmmkay

Tech Guy: Make a fist please.(ties rubber around my arm, inserts needle thingie)

FIVE VIALS OF BLOOD LATER...

Me: Uhh do I get to keep any of that?

Tech Guy: The viles?

Me: No, my blood.

Tech Guy: (looks at paperwork, then me) Yes.

Me: Mmmkay. Thanks

Long Time Gone

I'd hate for my absence to appear as though I am no longer invested in this blog... I just don't need it in the same way that I used to. I have currently found an additional outlet at yahoo answers.com . It's a large forum where you can ask any type of question that will likely be answered by a complete stranger from Des Moines. They also have specific categories where ladies like me have a place to ask questions that you may not necessarily get without the obligation of a co-pay. The people on there are not all doctors but women who share a common thread. TTC, Trying To Conceive. It's a great place to ask: "Has anyone else experienced this?" or "what the hell does this mean?". Sometimes it's not a question so much as an opportunity to blurt out good news or frustration. And it is immediately responded to accordingly. Of course you can get the occasional 13 year old meat head, who comes in to make inappropriate remarks, but its rare and they have a "policing" system for reporting such creatures.

Anyhoodle, it's a fantastic place where I have used my powers fueled by pain and frustration for good instead of evil. It feels so good to theoretically raise your hand and say "Holy shit, me too!". And I think I have been helpful...

So I guess makes it the Internet 2, despair 0.

Eveready

I feel slightly uninspired to write, but also somewhat obligated. I want to stop thinking about all the baby stuff, but I am constantly reminded of it.

I was looking around online a few weeks ago and came across this forum that discussed the issues women face while trying to become pregnant. In order to partake in the discussion I had to register with the site. Well some how my account information got messed up and it shows my profile as already being a mom, and they now send me emails on other discussions Mom's have and sales on baby items. For some reason I am unable to change my profile or unsubscribe to their relentless emails. It keeps telling me there is an error of some sort. I even emailed the "tech help" section and they sent me step by step instructions that have no use or meaning to me. So I am subjected to a daily reminder that I have no need for any baby items that are now 30-50% OFF!!!

Its also raining babies among our various social circles. I found out yet another couple is expecting their first. Congratulations Mike and Boo. I mean that. I think. Yeah, I do. I'm not bitter anymore. Oh yeah, that's number 5 by the way- if anyone else is keeping count.

I think on the "bad days" I just feel a little blue. But it is really much better than it has been. I dream about it pretty often, a couple of days ago I had this dream that a woman was telling me I was going to have a boy next month. I couldn't quite remember or interpret if I was already pregnant or what... But it was intriguing at the very least. Most of my dreams have to do with me already having a baby or telling people I'm pregnant but I wouldn't be showing yet. So I can only hope that it's a foreshadow of some sort. Then again talking about it makes me feel like I might be jinxing it. Whatever. So in the meantime - I'll be waiting.

Nope.

I'm not.

Nope.

I actually don't feel as bummed as I thought I would. I feel numb. Indifferent. Relieved to know, either way. And a little bit glad I'll be able to drink wine on my birthday...