CD1

After having a somewhat rough weekend I was greeted this morning with AF, and I have never been so happy to see her. I am now about two weeks away from my IUI. I am trying to get myself in a good place emotionally. So I've been working really hard at staying positive. But Friday's news sort of took the wind out of my sails. Thank you so much for all of your hugs and warm thoughts by the way. They really, really helped. I am just so thankful for this community.

I'm stuck in a weird place. I have this nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me to sluff off the heavy skin that keeps my optimism at a minimum. But it's hard not to be negative after all this. And I've always been a "Don't count your chickens till they hatch" kinda girl. So when I hear this voice, I all of a sudden feel like painting my spare bedroom because I may not be able to be around paint fumes in a short while. But then the other side of me, says PUT THAT PAINTBRUSH DOWN, there's nobody to paint for yet!

So here's my problem... I have a three-day weekend coming up... What should I do? Paint while I can take the VOC's? Or tan and read the stack of books that is piling up on my nightstand???

A little to the left...There. Stab me right there please....

Son of biiiiiiitch. I got the dreaded email every infertile hates to get, this morning. A good friend of mine and his wife are pregnant. They are aware of our situation. And even though I figured I'd hear this news any day now it still knocked the breath out of me. I'm trying to pull my shit together and not cry in my office. I am completely deflated.

I have to give them some major Infertile points though they handled it really well. My friend told me, before his own sisters, or any of our friends that way we wouldn't be the last to know. I'm really grateful for that. Here is a small blurb:

"So, I have some killer news that I wanted to share, but have been struggling on just how to share it.
And with that, here we go...
#$%^&* and I are preggers. Today is "officially" (I think) the 12-week mark. I wanted you guys to be some of the first people we told, but I also knew that it might be the hardest situation to handle. So, hopefully you understand why I went this route. I wanted to let you know as personally as I could without putting you in a position for a forced response.
I know you and Brian are having a tough time, and #$%%^&* and I really, really want you to know how much we are there for you."

This letter still makes me want to jump off a bridge, but I really respect the fact that they came to us first. We recently had some friends whom, we thought we were close with; wait until they were 20 weeks to tell us. They had avoided us and lied to us about it during the 8 weeks when everyone else likely knew. Probably just to spare themselves some awkwardness.

Fuck. I am shaking right now. I think I will have to wait until tomorrow to respond to them. So as to avoid crying at work and all. It sucks because my first reaction was like: "How could he send me that first thing this morning?! Doesn't he have a clue that sending it to me over the weekend would be better???!!!" But the truth is, it would never be a good time. Even when I knew it was coming.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

If you have a second, I could use an Internet hug or FIVE MILLION. Thanks.

Panic, Anyone?

Hello ICLWer's, you can check out my original welcome here. Or just scroll down =).
So my first DIUI is tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. Brian and I finally chose a donor - yeay! What's next? How about excitement? Yes, that's a given. Hope? Yes, ever so cautiously. So what is this knot I feel in the bottom of my stomach? Oh right. It's SHEAR PANIC because I need my vials in three weeks and the bank just told me they need a month to process new recipients! WTF?!

I called yesterday to make THE purchase, and they gave me a lengthy list of hoops to jump through and told me that they usually need a month to process everything!!! The bank we decided on is a small non profit organization and the person who deals with registration only comes in TWICE A WEEK. So I have all these ridiculous consent forms that have to be filled out, two of which need to be approved and signed by my RE. That will be followed by incessant begging and groveling to the registration manager to process my application. I've sent email's and VM's to my clinic asking them to expedite the forms because of the time crunch and NO ONE HAS CALLED ME BACK!
The only exception is from my RE who graciously indulged my insanity by answering a silly question or two in an email. Now that I am a little more calm, I realize it was probably somewhat of an insult to question his plan of execution and timing of my cycle. Well done Melissa!
Here is the email:

Hello Dr. RAWKS,

I have my first DIUI tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. I noticed that once I get a positive LH test, I tend to get ovulation pains about 12 hours later. I know we have back to back IUI's planned, I just wonder if the window will be right...
So here are my questions:
1.Is the ovulation pain that I feel a legitimate/accurate way to judge/affirm ovulation?
2. If so, say I get a positive test in the morning and then come in for my 1st IUI, then ovulate that night- Is coming the next morning going to be too late? I've read that the egg can only last 12-24 hours...
I look forward to your response.

Here is his reply:

The pain around the time of ovulation usually precedes the actual event and I suspect it is due to the rapid follicle enlargement before, not the ovulation itself. Eggs live for about 24 hrs post ovulation so the 2 insemination's should cover things just fine. Timing has been confirmed by multiple studies over the years. See you soon.
Sincerely,
Dr. RAWKS

So anyway. I'm trying to hold my shit together, and praying that the registration manager will be a reasonable human being. Cross your fingers for me!


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Update:

I just had a "Well I don't know WHO you talked to..." conversation with another person at the bank. Everything is going to be fine. She said I have plenty of time, and that she guarantee's my registration will be completed by Thursday, or Monday at the VERY latest. Which is AWEOME. Right after that my clinic sent me an email with the pdf's of the signed and approved consent forms that I needed. So I sent everything over to the bank and even called to confirm. THEY HAVE IT. We're set.

Howdy!

Welcome ICLW readers! I totally meant to post this earlier but we were out in the f'ing Boondocks for the weekend, and I had no Internet connection. NO INTERNET?!!!! Why not just cut off my thumbs while you're at it?! I really shouldn't complain, we spent the weekend with the owners of a small Winery about 3 hours Northeast of San Francisco. They spoiled us with an obscene amount of food and wine, but the lack technology almost took my will to live. ALMOST. At least I had wine to distract me from taking my own life. Anyway, I'm cautiously hoping that by the end of July I'll have a good reason not to drink anymore. I'll be doing my first dIUI next month. Woo Hoo!


This is only my second time participating in ICLW, but I just want to say how very grateful I am that it exists. It's been amazing to read and follow these incredibly profound tales from the world of infertility.


My husband and I had been ttc for 16 months when we were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor infertility. We were told we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, and that IVF with ICSI or Donor Sperm would be or only options for a biological(ish) child. You can check out our story in a nutshell if you look at my timeline and or profile. Or you can take some time to read the posts that carry the most significance. Like after we were diagnosed and sort of decided not to have kids at all, because it felt so good to just take control of the situation. Then when our RE first told us about the option of DI. And when we couldn't make up our minds between DI or IVF. Then I had a mental breakdown and we went to see a counselor. So once we finally moved on, and were able to look at a sperm bank website with out a martini and box of kleenex, this post talks about how we narrowed down our choice of donors.


I'm glad you were able to stop by. I look forward to reading a lot of your stories!

Scrapalicious

Today I was given the Honest Scrap award by the worldly, and talented Clare at The Pitter Patter. I was completely shocked and extremely grateful to be given this honor. I have a huge geeky smile plastered across my face right now...

So here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here are the blogs I would like to award for their honest and courageous posts:

1. No Swimmers In the tubes, No Bun in the Oven
2. Preheated Oven, Where is my Bun?
3. What IF?
4. Inconceivable?!
5. Bottoms Off and On the Table
6. Once Upon a Time
7. There's a Baby at the End of this Right?

Ten Honest Things:
1. I sing like a rock star in the shower and in my car, but I sound like Scuttle from The Little Mermaid.
2. I could live on Peanut Butter and/or Cheese for the rest of my life.
3. I'm 5'10, and I wish I was taller.
4. I am obsessed with music. I have playlists on my iPod to suit just about every mood.
5. Sometimes when I'm sitting at my desk at work I unbutton the top button on my pants and fold them in so I can be more comfortable. Try it - you'll see!
6. I own the entire Series of Friends on DVD, and I can quote from EVERY.SINGLE. EPISODE.
7. I have nightmares about Ghosts, and the girl from the Exorcist when I am avoiding something in my personal life.
8. The list of Celebrities I would sleep with it if I wasn't married to my wonderful husband is: John Kransinki, Ewan McGregor, Clive Owen, Jason Bateman and Jeffrey Dean Morgan
9. My first job was a Barista at a drive through coffee shop. I got fired for not being very good at it.
10. I believe I have guardian angels. I usually talk to them in the car.

I also want to say how grateful I am to have found and become a part of this community. I can't imagine what I would do without the support I get from all of you! There are just so many amazing people here. BIG Internet hugs to you all!

Pick and Choose

Okay, okay. I know I'm way over due for a post, but I've been hard at work on this one. I've had to walk away from it a few times just to make sure I covered all my bases. So buckle up, because it's gonna be a long one. I've wanted to write about how I've been dealing with DI for along time but I just didn't know where to start. And honestly I don't think I was ready.

My experience so far has been pretty tumultuous. There are just so many questions that come with DI, and the more I understand, the more I realize that it will be a lifelong process. Which seriously scared the crap out of me. I realize that choosing to have children is a lifelong commitment, and its well known to present demands and unexpected challenges. But this isn't something I was prepared for at all. Nor did I have much knowledge of, or experience with. I was so naive going into TTC, that I really didn't realize that DI was something that heterosexual couples had to deal with. I'm cringing as I re-read that sentence, but it's true. It just never occurred to me, that MFI was A. So prevalent, and B. So definitive in terms of conception limitations.

I used to be one of the dumbass fertiles, that I now curse for being so damn callow, and uniformed....

The first time we sat down and looked at donors wasn't too bad because it felt so far away. It wasn't real yet. We were pretty light hearted about it, looking for a genius with Brian's heritage and height. The next time we looked, a month or so later, made me want to jump off a bridge. It was terrifying because now - this was going to be our reality. And in my eyes, none of these donors would ever be as good as Brian, and I wasn't able to look past that. Because I hadn't fully accepted all of the complications that came with our choice to do DI. I felt overwhelmed by the unknown. And I was so caught up in my crap, that I didn't think Brian was being honest about his acceptance of all this.

Until that is, we got a little help. I have to say that seeing a counselor should be on the top of anyone's list who is considering DI, it's just too complex to deal with alone. Talking to a professional who is experienced in dealing with DI, and IF in general, played a pivotal role in helping me gain acceptance. She validated so many of my feelings, thoughts, and concerns. Seriously when you are dealing with something so paramount and you begin to struggle- don't wait until you find yourself staying in bed all day watching tivo'ed episodes of Scrubs, crying for no reason, and wearing the same pajama's Monday morning that you changed into Friday night. It's not healthy. GET HELP.

Okay the public service announcement portion of this post is over. On to the good news. We've narrowed it down to two donors. Initially we were very explicit about our requirements. We essentially were searching for Brian's clone. I'm not going to list all of our requirements out of respect to our future child(ren) and to Brian's privacy, but basically we were REALLY specific about not only physical characteristics and nationality, but interests, hobbies, education, religion, medical history, and family dynamics. And I think it was just too much information. We began to wonder how much of those details would really shape this human being that we are going to raise together. The more we discussed it, the less details we felt we needed as far as education, hobbies, etc. We believe that you are a product of your environment. So while genetics are a factor of our identities in obvious ways, our surroundings seem to shape much more of who we become. Basically we think we're quite capable of screwing up this kid no matter who's DNA it has. It's the concept of Nature vs Nurture, and it seems to be a common discussion in the DI world. Brian and I both have brother's who are VERY different from ourselves, so it kind of proves to us that where you come from genetically doesn't necessarily dictate who you will become. Nor will it make you the same as your parents, or brothers and sisters. People are going to be, who they're going to be... Simple as that.

Another aspect that became important is whether we choose an open or anonymous donor. Choosing an open donor will give our child the option to contact the donor when they turn 18. When we sat down with the counselor, she asked us if we planned to use an open or anonymous donor. We told her that we had planned to use an anonymous, because we would be the parents, and they'll have medical history and what not to refer too, so the donor's presence wouldn't really be necessary. She nodded and said that our reasoning sounded fair, but that she would like us to consider choosing an open donor. She gently explained that picking an open donor would at least give our child the choice to find their bio father. She said according to recent studies and surveys, most donor conceived children would prefer to have the option to contact their bio parent. EVEN WHEN they had happy childhoods and maintain a loving and healthy relationship with their parents. We sat on it for a bit and decided that we would want the option if we were in our childs position.

Please understand that I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing an anonymous donor. That was our preference for at first too, and everyone has their own valid reasons. There are other circumstances that could prevent always using an open donor as well. Because open donors are saught after, they are therefore more expensive and less available. So you typically end up having to give up certain phyiscal traits to stick with the open option. Which is exactly what happened to us. We have decided that choosing an open donor, with our heritage, and one particular physical trait will be the most important requirements we look for. After that the donors medical background and personal essay will be the deciding factors. So there it is. A big congratualtions if you made it through all that with out a nap and/or a bathroom break.

The Revival

It's been seven months since the last time I used an ovulation prediction test. It was just a few short weeks before we would hear our fate. I can clearly remember the even amounts of anxiety and excitement that came with a positive OPK. It represented hope. Here is a new cycle. A new chance. Maybe this will be the month. The month that we get it right, that the stars are aligned, that we'll beat the odds that were quickly stacking against us as the months wore on.

I made sure to drink enough water to stay hydrated so that my CM would be supplimented, but not too much so that it would dilute the amount of LH that could be detected in my dixie cup, ironically covered in a childlike patterns of circus animals or teddy bears. I used the cheapy ones, not the POAS ones. I am a pro at aiming into a dixie cup by the way. I know exactly how much I need to complete a test, and I'm disturbingly comfortable with handling my own urine.

Earlier this year, at a point when I was really down, I gave away all of my OPK's and all but three HPT's. I gave them to a good friend who would could get more use from them than I could at the time. I just couldn't bear to look at them. They reminded me too much of what I thought I couldn't have. I can see now why it was important that I did. I needed distance from the reminders of everything they represented. The rigorous monitoring that was inducing frustration rather than hope. And the thought of upcoming cycles that only seemed futile after hearing our test results.

I purchased a whole new arsenal of OPK's today. My RE requires that I use them for my IUI next month. I bought them early for this cycle, in hopes that I could I get a grasp on what the time lapse is between my positive OPK and when I start to get significant abdominal pain from ovulating. Yes, I am part of the small percentage of women that have Mittelschmerz.

I was surprised at how overwhelming it felt to make this relatively mundane purchase. The instant charge I felt when I typed my request into the search engine was almost breathtaking. It felt good. Here is a new cycle. A new chance. Maybe July will be the month for us. When things will go right, when the stars will be aligned, and we'll beat the odds.

Infiltrated

I have the greatest husband in the world. On average, he works 70 hours a week. No kidding. Real work. LABOR. And yet, he still makes the time to listen to me and how crazy I am. He has it all figured out. I worry, because he likes to "shoot from the hip", and I'm way too conservative. He's gonna love this child more than any thing else in the world. It doesn't matter where we get it, it just matters that we do the best we can possibly do to raise him/her and show them the true values of life and what its all about. I should quit worrying about things and put more trust in him. I know he's smart, and has a good sense of direction, but I'm just too controlling to let anyone else guide me. God, I love my hubby. Such a good man. I can't wait to see him play catch with our boy, or teach his girl how to build a doll house, or play catch.  He's gonna be such a good dad. We should just do it already. I cant wait to have a family to call my own.

I love my wife.......I'm glad she let me write this.......Thanx pie!!!

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And then he took me out for ice cream.

Your Daily Dose of Infertile Angst

Please! Somebody help me! I think my period is trying to kill me! In the seventeen years that I've had my period, this is most definitely THE. WORST. ONE. EVER. I normally get cramps for an hour or so when my period first starts, but I have had them for two days straight now. Like crippling, surging, agonizing death inspired cramps. I literally had to get up three separate times last night to like walk it off. They even woke me up! I was dreaming that I was being mugged and shot. When it was actually just my uterus conspiring against me. Sorry for the tmi, but it had to be said.

One a more exciting note, I got invited to a baby shower! Actually it's not a shower; its a "sprinkle" because this will be her second child. The new baby's Auntie and almost big sister will be throwing it. HOW PRECIOUS. We ran into the mom-to-be-again at Costco yesterday, with her cuter than cute (seriously she's adorable) almost three year old. She IM'd me this afternoon asking me to keep July 11th open for her special event. I told her I would, knowing that there would be absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I would attend. A few minutes later she sent me another message saying that Brian had told her husband about our struggle, and that she was thinking of us. I started to quip back in my head about how she should put two and two together and realize how insensitive her invitation was, when she stopped herself and said that if the shower would be too hard to be around she would understand. I thanked her, and told her I had already sort of planned to politely decline, and that I appreciated her understanding. I hate it when I get all self centered, and smug about other people's thoughtlessness or insensitivity only to have it thrown back in my face with a compassionate gesture or comment. And it's not the swallowing my pride part, it's the realizing how jaded I've become from all of this.

I'm tired of feeling slighted by a friends good news. Or envious of every young mother at the grocery store. I hate that I'm not more excited about my upcoming cycle. It's not that I don't want it to happen, believe me I do. But I'm not giddy, I'm not counting down the days, or even feeling all that optimistic. For all the strength I've gained from enduring IF, it's taken my innocence two fold and replaced it with experience and the knowledge that things don't always work out.


I am one cycle away from our first real chance of getting pregnant. So why aren't I more excited?