Because One Wasn't Enough

I got to see another negative pregnancy test this morning.

You see, AF still hasn't shown. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday; for the last two cycles it only took her a day and a half to show. And I've still been experiencing those mysterious cramps, only to a higher degree. My lower back cramps actually woke me up the night before. Because they were so persistent, and so intense, on top of the fact that I rarely ever have them AND my period was still MIA, gave me the tiniest glimmer of hope. What if I'm one of those weird phenomenons who don't get a positive test at 14dpiui, or what if the test was faulty??? I thought. When I should have known better that her absence was yet another cruel joke.

Last night during my brief spell of hope, I battered myself with the what ifs. I chastised myself for drinking caffeine, and alcohol before AF actually showed as proof that this cycle was a bust. Again. But alas it was all for nothing. AGAIN. I don't have to refer to Drgoogle to find out what happens when if you stop taking your progesterone in early pregnancy. I'll continue to wear a panty liner, and expect her appearance each time I head to the ladies room. Gosh if I'm lucky she'll show up on Friday.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Melissa!

Love,

Your empty uterus.

My New Lucky Number ?

Thirteen. 13. That's right. I know I babbled about the third time being the charm and all that. I still believe that too, but now I hoping that an affiliation with the number thirteen might do it. Now some view 13 as unlucky, but I personally associate it with a bakers dozen. And how could one extra Chocolate Old Fashion possibly be a bad thing??? I know it's silly to heave my faith on to a superstition, but honestly? It's all I've got. I'm hoping the multiple encounters I've had with this number in the last week might actually be fortuitous for us. It all started when Ms. B (my acupuncturist) said she thought the fact that I ovulated on CD13 was a "lucky coincidence". At first I rolled my eyes and blew it off thinking she was just trying to appease me while I was flipping out because I ovulated so early. But then the next day when we pulled up outside the clinic for our second IUI, it occurred to me that the date was Sunday, September 13th. I giggled to myself as we were getting out of the car. Then I saw this:

Fast forward a few days and I'd tell you that for the most part this cycle has really been at the back of my mind. My positive OPK came and went so fast, I barely had time to obsess over it. I only used two OPK tests. Unlike last cycle, where I blew through what seemed like a gross of CBE's. It's really been a blessing. Anyway, I hadn't thought about it again until I was on my way to work this morning and I realized we are on our 26th cycle. And what's half of 26? Yep, 13. ALRIGHT, I know that's a stretch. I know that these numbers will not dictate a pregnancy. But I am hoping against all hope that this is finally it. So if a lucky number is going to help me feel a little more hopeful I am going to stick with it. (Read:Delusional)

Okay, enough of my crazy talk... I'd like to put out a little warning about Orvidrel. A fellow blogger L from There's a Baby At the End, just had an IVF cycle ruined due to a defective vial. Her clinic was not able to retrieve any eggs because the trigger didn't work. L lists the pharmaceutical company and the Lot Number on her vials. If you have Orvidrel in your fridge, please stop by her blog to see if you have the same batch and save yourself some heartache. Or go by when you can to give her some support. Thanks folks.

Stress Case

Alright. No more whining. It's time to get myself ready for this cycle. In preparation Brian and I spent the entire weekend doing a whole lot of nothing - in each others arms. We had a fantastic time being super lazy, it was just what I needed. Brian has been so amazing, I can't imagine waging this battle with anyone else. Part of the reason I had to stay so mellow was because I hurt my back. I had issues with it about two years ago, and it's been really sensitive every since. It tends to cramp up a lot whenever I am stressed or upset. I hadn't had flare up in a long time, but my big fat failure managed to do the trick. Awesome.

I also made the decision to start acupuncture again. I am going to see a different doctor than last time though. I found three practices within a mile of my office that specialize in reproductive care. I called today and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. They really prefer to start earlier in the cycle, but evidently any treatment is better than nothing at all. I did acupuncture for about three months months in 2008. WAY before our MFI diagnosis. I thought that the issues HAD to be on my side. I figured my CM was hostile or that I had a hormonal imbalance. My acupuncturist actually told me that other than my circulation being a little less than perfect, but my chi was okay, and that we should have an SA done. And I was like: Nah I think we'll wait on that, I am the problem.

Making this appointment reminded me of how much pressure I put on myself back then. And having one failed IUI has brought all of that back. Now I wonder how much of my stress may actually be part of the problem. Hopefully the acupuncture will help with all of that.

OMFG.

DID I REALLY JUST SUGGEST THAT RELAXING WILL MAKE ME GET PREGNANT?????!!!!

Jesus. I AM losing it.

In Honor of Distraction

In honor of keeping my mind off of my uterus I give you: 100 things, by Melissa G.


1. I love quoting from movies. Finding myself in a situation where the excerpt of a script fits a real situation perfectly, makes my day.

2. I love other people who are good at quoting from movies.

3. Listening to music heals my soul.

4. We named our dog after a previous San Jose Sharks defensemen. That's hockey folks.

5. I fell in love with Brian within a week of getting to know him.

6. I tend to over indulge in chocolates and homemade desserts.

7. I don't have any tattoo's.

8. I love writing this blog.

9. I hate when people park stupid. Like taking up two spots. It makes me want to intentionally back into their car.

10. I genuinely believe I am going to win my state lottery.

11. When I was a kid I used a "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" sleeping bag as a bedspread.

12. I had to because growing up with just my dad, he didn't see proper bedding as a necessity. Dad's don't get it sometimes.

13. I wear one of my grandmother's rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it, I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

14. I hate meeting new people. And by that I mean in social situations. I am awful at asking people questions, and typically end up saying something ridiculous when I really meant to be funny and charming.

15. I loathe pineapple on pizza.

16. If I could create a commune, I would.

17. Most of my favorite childhood possessions are pictures and stuffed animals. All of which are in storage at my dad's house.

18. I think Macaroni and Cheese is a gift from the heavens.

19. My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad got custody. This will probably explain a lot about some of the following 81 facts.

20. I am mildly obsessed with The Foo Fighters and John Mayer.

21. I hate ham, but I love pork chops, pork tenderloin, prosciutto and bacon.

22. I played Badminton and Ultimate Frisbee in High school.

23. I knew how to rebuild a carburetor when I was 17.

24. I love and was raised on country music, but have a hard time listening to anything made after 2001. With the exception of the Dixie Chicks and George Strait.

25. I think Shania Twain is an abomination to country music.

26. I am a very, VERY slow reader.

27. I donated my wedding dress to a consignment company whose proceeds go to The Breast Cancer Foundation.

28. I heart Tivo.

29. When I was 12 I stepped on a pencil barefoot. There is still a scar and a lead mark on my foot.

30. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

31. I love the show Scrubs. Dr. Cox RULES.

32. I cry pretty easily.

33. My childhood book collections included Garfield comic strips and The Babysitter's Club series.

34. I haven't gotten a speeding ticket. Yet.

35. I've seen Aerosmith in concert six times.

36. The last concert I saw was John Mayer at the Shoreline Amphitheater.

37. I think my passion for writing far exceeds my ability.

38. I grind my teeth when I sleep.

39. I don't like it when the sensor on a remote control is pointing at me.

40. When I was 18, I drove from California to Mississippi with my best friend. In August. In a 1995 Nissan Sentra with NO AIR CONDITIONING. I still can't believe we made it there and back in one piece. BEST. TRIP. EVER.

41. I can say Wienerschnitzel backwards.

42. "There's No Way" by Alabama was Brian's and my first dance song at our wedding.

43. Nicknames for my dog Parker are the following: Mook, Mookie pie, Poo Pie, Poo Bear, Poo, Monkey Butt, Looper Loo, and Fuckhead. He will respond to all of them.

44. Growing up my Aunt always told me that SPAM (you know the canned meat), stood for Squirrels, Pigs, And Monkeys. I believed her.

45. I LOVE breakfast for dinner.

46. Sophomore year in high school I made my Biology teacher cry. He was a putz.

47. I have never owned a vehicle that wasn't four wheel drive.

48. I have 102.54 GB's of music on my iMac. That is 127.5 days or 3,060 hours of music.

49. My second date with Brian was at a shooting range.

50. I wear flip flops just about everyday from the beginning of March to the end of November. If you don't live in California, you are probably a little bit jealous right now.

51. I hate the words longevity, garment, and panties.

52. I have green eyes.

53. An incomplete list of the foods I cannot live with out: Burritos, tacos, cheese (except cottage, blehhhck), peanut butter, pasta, chicken noodle soup, Kix (cereal), brownies, lets be honest: chocolate in general, turkey and avocado sandwich on sliced wheat, and pancakes. I swear I'm not 400 pounds.

54. My favorite childhood book was Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes.

55. I played the flute for 4 years, and the guitar for 3. I now wish I would have learned the drums.

56. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

57. My first concert was The Beach Boys.

59. I'm allergic to penicillin, and to crab and lobster, but not shrimp.

60. I have split my chin open twice. 7 Stitches the first time - I was in 4th grade, it was picture day so I was all dressed up. I slipped in something coming out of the play ground and fell flat on my face. Luckily I had already taken pictures. The second time, I had begged my brother for weeks to let me ride his BMX bike, when he finally agreed I tried to come down the biggest hill in our neighborhood to show him how cool I was. Except I wasn't cool, and I couldn't cut a turn, I hit the curb, flew over the handle bars and landed on my face - AGAIN. Ten stitches, three broken teeth, and bruised ribs. Awesomeness.

61. I really love to cook.

62. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It worked every time. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

63. My brother and I are not as close as I would like to be.

64. I justify putting ovaltine in my coffee by telling myself that I won't need to add actual sugar.

65. I hate Bridal and Baby showers. I think they are boring and obligatory to throw, and to attend. I usually go anyway.

66. My ears are pierced twice on each side, but I haven't used my second holes in 6 years.

67. I'm fairly awful at boardgames. But I like them a lot.

68. I have perfect vision.

69. I usually listen to music in the shower except for the days when I shave my legs, because inevitably a song will come on that gives me the goosebumps, and I think we all learned at an early age why its bad to shave with goosebumps.

70. I was 17 when I had my first kiss.

71. The same guy who gave me my first kiss, also gave me my first broken heart. Shattered is probably a more accurate description though. I'm over it, I swear. Just nostalgic.

72. I don't believe in Sugar or Butter substitutes.

73. I have been sexually harassed in the workplace. But I was too young to realize that it was wrong at the time. It still kind of haunts me, I'd like to track that guy down and punch him in the face.

74. Even though I know it's really bad for you, I love cleaning my ears with Q-tips.

75. When I get a new CD, I listen to it incessantly for weeks at a time.

76. I hate competitions. I usually end up loosing not because the other person is better but because I tend get psyched out by the notion of competition.

77. I am really struggling to come up with the next 22 things to add to this list.

78. I have ginormous feet. I wear a 10 1/2. Which should also implicate that I'm tall.

79. I'd rather cook dinner at my house for a few friends, than go to a fancy restaurant, or a bar.

80. I've never been to Europe. Our vacations typically entail lying on a beach somewhere with an endless supply of cocktails. I think it would be a waste of money to fly all the way out there only to set up camp poolside, and not go see all the amazing things that define Europe.

81. I'm incredibly lazy. I thought I'd throw that in, in case number 80 didn't make it clear enough.

82. The only famous person I have ever met was Heather Armstrong, the Author of DOOCE. Super nice, and tall as well.

83. Scratch that, I met a few Sharks players at Charity thing one time. Vinnie Damphousse, Patrick Marleau, Mark Smith, Nikko Dimitrakos, and Mike Ricci. I got REALLY star struck. They are not very talkative guys.

84. All time favorite songs - Blackbird, The Beatles. In Repair, John Mayer. Amarillo By Morning, George Straight's version. Into the Mystic, Van Morrison. Maybe, Allison Krauss. Groove is in the Heart, Dee Lite. If you want Blood, AC/DC. Dixieland Delight, Alabama. February Stars, Foo Fighters. Exit Music, Radio Head. Possession, Sarah MacLachlan. Selfless, Cold, and Composed, Ben Folds Five. Okay I really should stop now. This list could go on for a while. So lets call this another incomplete list.

85. I beat myself up about stupid things I've said or done YEARS AGO. I just can't let them go. This will be recurrent for a while.

86. When I was like 10, I watched this horror movie called The Creep Show with my brother, there was this scene with a rabid monkey that was stuffed in a chest with bars on the side of it, and it reached out and tore this guys arm off. From that night on I was convinced that it was living under my bed. So whenever I was getting in bed while the lights were out I would jump into my bed so that the rabid monkey couldn't get my feet. I did this until I was 24. That's when I got married and moved in with Brian. I didn't stop because I thought the monkey was gone but because I was too embarrassed to do in front of Brian.

87. I am a bag lady. I keep bags from nice stores like Nordstroms and Willams Sonoma (usually acquired from sales). I also collect and reuse gift bags.

88. People consider it strange that I put Ketchup on things like burritos, mashed potatoes, grilled cheese sandwiches, and eggs. My MIL puts ketchup on the table when we go to her house for dinner- no matter what she is serving.

89. I skipped number 58. Oh. Hey. You're still here. Errrr, thanks for reading.

90. I can belch incredibly loud. Brian thinks it's awesome.

91. I can procrastinate like a Mo' Fo'. Brian doesn't think that's awesome.

92. Listing the last 91 things about myself has done two things: 1. reconfirmed my suspicions that I am a little odd. 2. made me remarkably tired of talking about myself. Good God.

93. I don't use deodorant or antiperspirant, because I rarely sweat. My mom says it's from our Norwegian bloodline. And probably because I live on the West Coast.

94. I love Disneyland more than I should. My favorite ride is Pirates of the Caribbean. The first thing we do when we get to the park is run down Main Street. The Corndog stand at the end of Main Street, sells the MOST DELICIOUS, Corn battered, deep fried, goodness you will ever experience.

95. I played in a billiards league for a year. I spent a lot of time in Pool Halls until I met Brian. I was pretty good.

96. When I asked Brian for help with the last few "things", he started (playfully) listing things about me that annoy him. Thanks for NOTHING dear. =)

97. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

98. Sweet Jesus almost done. Ummm... MOVIES! Movies I love: Sleepless in Seattle, Tombstone, Spanglish, The Godfather, Urban Cowboy, A League of Their Own, Sliding Doors, Princess Bride, Billy Madison, The Family Stone, Con Air (yes, seriously), Meet Joe Black, Spiderman 1, Dirty Dancing, The Shinning, Shawshank Redemption, Stand By Me. Yes, I am a big Stephen King fan. This again will be the incomplete list.

99. I am a pseudo fashionista. I absolutely love fashion magazines, and runway clips. I adored The Rachel Zoe Project, as nuts as she is. I am Carolina Herrera on the inside, but Old Navy on the outside.

100. And last but not least, I am a CHRONIC over packer. I usually pack for trips like I am never come back, and I would miss my navy blue cardigan SO MUCH. Even in my day to day. I have to be prepared for my every whim. I hate being without chapstick, or the proper amount of eyeliner, or dental floss, or stamps, or safety pins, or gum (because I love red onions), you get the idea.



If you're in your tww or waiting for your next cycle to start, this was a tremendous time suck, I highly recommend it. Plus I'd love to read about your 100 things.

Begging and Pleading

CUTE BABY ALERT: If you're not in the place to see a cute baby today, this might not be the post for you.
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Nothing makes my uterus ache like an adorable baby. This is Sawyer. I was fortunate enough to be in the room when Sawyer joined this world. You can read about his introduction here.

His mommy brought him to work today, so here he is hanging out in my lap, at my desk. I was blowing raspberries on his oh-so-edible little feet, when a pang of sheer desperation swept over me. Please God, let this cycle work. I cannot imagine another month knowing that this might not be a part of my near future.

Forget about being hopeful, I am in full blown pleading-with-the-Heaven's mode. Talking to relatives that have passed on, begging them to pull a few strings for me. Anything to just get my foot in the door. I realize that there are a few people ahead of me in line in this blogosphere, but I swear I'll ask a favor for you, if you ask one for me.

Infiltrated

I have the greatest husband in the world. On average, he works 70 hours a week. No kidding. Real work. LABOR. And yet, he still makes the time to listen to me and how crazy I am. He has it all figured out. I worry, because he likes to "shoot from the hip", and I'm way too conservative. He's gonna love this child more than any thing else in the world. It doesn't matter where we get it, it just matters that we do the best we can possibly do to raise him/her and show them the true values of life and what its all about. I should quit worrying about things and put more trust in him. I know he's smart, and has a good sense of direction, but I'm just too controlling to let anyone else guide me. God, I love my hubby. Such a good man. I can't wait to see him play catch with our boy, or teach his girl how to build a doll house, or play catch.  He's gonna be such a good dad. We should just do it already. I cant wait to have a family to call my own.

I love my wife.......I'm glad she let me write this.......Thanx pie!!!

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And then he took me out for ice cream.

When to Play Your Infertility Card: A Lesson For The Appropriate Use In Your Professional Life

Most of us have gone to great lengths to conceal our infertility from our employers. I am fortunate in that the owner of the company I work for, also happens to be like a sister to me. We grew up together and I've worked for her for almost four years now. So needless to say she has been more than accommodating with my situation.

I know that most of you don't have the luxury of confidentiality and flexibility in the work place that I do; so other than confiding in your boss to notify them of your upcoming baseline ultrasound appointment, when is the right time to play your IF card? How about when you mistakenly send an inappropriate email to a client instead of a co-worker? Check out this beauty:

In a message dated 5/27/2009 11:41:38 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time, melissa@xxxxxxxx.com writes:

Hey Teresa,

Can you please follow up with Carol about this? She is complaining about it like its our responsibility...

Thanks!

Melissa

So instead of sending that to Teresa, I sent it to Carol...

If there was a word that described being so mortified that it warranted walking out into oncoming traffic; I would use it. I called Teresa immediately to tell her what happened and ask for much needed advice. I told her that she could send an admonishing email to Carol, CC'ing me. Teresa laughed and said: "Um no, you're going to call her and apologize. You need to tell her that you're having a bad day or something".... Then there was a long pause... And she says: "No wait! This faux pas calls for the big guns. Carol has been trying to adopt for three years. YOU NEED TO PLAY YOUR INFERTILITY CARD."

And so I did. AND IT WORKED LIKE A FUCKING CHARM. I am still to this very moment distraught by my email, but Carol was extremely nice about it. Probably more so than I might have been had the situation been reversed. So lesson learned. Email protocols have been adjusted accordingly. And my punishment for being less than professional in an email to a client? Besides incesantly re-living the moment in my head. Probably a lifetime of having my chops busted about it - by my "sister".

*** By the way I welcome any comments regarding your email or texting mishaps. Thanks Clare***