Tom Cruise May Have Been On To Something...

That is probably the first and only time you will ever hear me say such kind things about Tom Cruise, but when reports leaked that he was considering getting an ultrasound machine to monitor Ka.tie Hol.mes' pregnancy, (which may or may not have been BS) I kinda get where he was going with that. Oh, the sweet relief of seeing that flicker of a heartbeat on a monitor. I'm thinking about selling my Honda to buy one of those bad boys, if only to keep the men in the white coats away for just a little longer. (I'm pretty sure Brian is considering having me committed.)

Thanks for your thoughtful, and helpful comments on my last irrational post. I felt like the only reason my P4 would plummet like that was because there was something wrong with the pregnancy. I was really genuinely, terrified. It blew.

So my appointment went well this morning. (she recounts sheepishly.) I told the NP (nurse practitioner), about my P4 drop, and she said as long as I'm on the supps, she has no concerns. Levels bounce a little after stopping supplementation... Which sounded familiar. For my last two u/s' the baby was measuring a day behind, which they told me was no big deal, but today the baby was measuring a day ahead! That made me feel a whole lot better. We got to see and hear the heartbeat again. I told her that I had been worrying, and that this part is so much scarier than I had imagined. She smiled and told me there was no reason that I should torture myself with panic and that they are more than happy to do a "Peace of Mind" ultrasound between appointments. Then on that note, she told me to schedule my next appointment in two weeks. God Bless her.

I have a few more posts a'brewin'. I'll try to make them somewhat coherent in the near future, as well as get the latest pic up.

Thanks again folks.

Progesterone Dip - Freaking Out

I was pretty thrilled to take my last PIO shot last week, but I'm panicking now, because my weekly blood draw showed a substantial drop from 31 to 16. Umm, yikes. My Nurse from Dr.3's office told me they weren't super concerned and that they typically see significant drops after progesterone supplementation stops. But she also said they would prefer to see my number more in the 20's.  They are going to have me restart the suppositories. I had originally stopped them because I was having a bad reaction to them. She said if I have another bad reaction that they'll want me to get back on the PIO shots until 12 weeks. Which is 11 days from now. I know that 12 weeks always sounds like a decent safety net, and 11 days isn't that far away. But right now it feels like an eternity.

I have to be honest, I'm pretty much completely terrified right now. I've been really struggling over the last few days, and have had some not so great dreams about Dr.s Appointments.

I have a previously scheduled u/s with my OB for first thing tomorrow morning, but I just don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

I'm really scared.

Here

If I had a nickel for all the draft posts I’ve written over the last two weeks, I could probably help pay for an IUI cycle. But I’m in such a weird place, I’m having a hard time finding the words. And I’m feeling really strange about posting pregnancy related stuff here for a few reasons. 1. In all my day dreams about actually being pregnant, I imagined starting a new blog for just pregnancy stuff, while keeping this an IF place. 2. This whole pregnancy thing? Still not very real to me. I have accepted it on an intellectual level, but it’s still kind of difficult to wrap my head around. I had another u/s last Friday and part of me wondered if they were just playing a tape on the monitor. No joke. And even as we drove home I stared at the little gummy bear like figure in the shaded photo, and could hardly grasp the concept that it was a picture from my insides. It’s just so bizarre.

I’ve had several breakdowns feeling like things were over – triggered by fluctuating or lack of symptoms and just plain fear. We told Brian’s parents two weeks ago, because his Mom is going through Chemo and we felt like she could use a boost. They are over the moon, and it most certainly did lift my MIL’s spirits. It was fun to tell them, but pretty surreal, and it prompted an influx of irrational thoughts. Superstitious thoughts. And I’m not really a superstitious person. Telling them is sort of what prompted me to wait to tell my family. And I still can’t put my finger on why. It’s like I’m afraid there is a quota for happiness and we’re getting close to the end our allotment. Which I know makes no fucking sense at all.

So the whole 'start a new blog' thing… Part of me felt like starting up someplace new would be my show of respect to those still fighting the fight. They could still “know me” and count me as a sister without being bombarded by the evidence that I was lucky enough to get to the other side of all this after just one IVF cycle (not that I’m completely on the other side). Please know that I realize how fortunate I am to have fallen on the right side of the 60% success rate. Truly, I do. But another part of me thought about how much I’ve come to love this place, and how much history it holds. Albeit a mostly painful history, but in a strange way I’m proud of all the crap we’ve been through. I also thought about the many blogs I continued to read even though they had crossed over to pregnancy and even parenthood. I still loved them as sisters. They still know the hurt, they’re just in a different phase of life.  So the jury is still out on whether I’ll start up some place new, but for now I’ll keep posting here. If you’re not up for reading anything pregnancy related I’ll suggest you stop reading now. For the immediate future I will be using this place to document my transition from infertility to pregnancy. Weird.

So today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. When I look back to the day we first saw our positive test it seems like so long ago, though each individual week passes like molasses. Symptom wise, the fatigue has finally kicked in full gear. Yes, I was a bit tired before, but not to the extreme so many other women talked about. I was tired by the end of the day but by no means exhausted. As of about four days ago I am officially wiped by about 1pm every day. Boobs are still tender but much more manageable, I am now able to forgo the sports bra at night. I’m using the bell.aban.d with every pair of pants I own, and last week after my second u/s I allowed myself to order some maternity jeans online. I have to get them online for two reasons. 1 I am entirely too paranoid to go into an actual store because A) I’m just not ready for that. B) I’m terrified to be seen by someone I know. C) In the very back of my mind there is the irrational superstition that buying something could mean the worst for our little one. Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane. And 2. I’m 5’10 with a 34 inch inseam. I usually have to buy most of my jeans/pants online anyway, so it’s no biggie. I still doubt that I’m showing but I’m a little doughy and bloaty and it’s really uncomfortable to suck it in or have any kind of pressure on my abdomen. So maternity pants it is, however premature that may be. Food wise, the nausea has let up a bit, though I am prone to a sour stomach. The only aversion I have right now is to anything sweet, which seems moderately blasphemous because I’ve had a pretty big sweet tooth my entire life. Part of me wonders if this is really my kid. (KIDDING). Dairy, I heart dairy. I’ve been plowing through 1 gallon jugs of 2% milk since about 5 weeks. I drink it as a snack on a pretty regular basis, it’s also very good at helping to settle my stomach. I’m looking forward our next u/s which will be next Thursday (the 26th). I’ll do my best to get the pic up from my most recent u/s before the next appointment. 

I guess the last thing is just to thank you all again for your amazing support, and the sincerity behind your congratulations to me. It’s been overwhelming, in such a very good way.

Try

Now that I’ve had a little time to compose myself and really take in all of what we saw Sunday, I can fill you in on all the details. And of that, there are a’plenty.

The appointment itself went really well. Dr.3 was running behind, but it’s not like we had better things to do. Actually we did give up Sharks playoff tickets to keep the appointment.  Obviously worth it, just saying. As Dr. 3 got to work with the probe and the nurse dimmed the lights, I closed my eyes until I heard him settle. “Okay, there’s the sac and a tiny heart beat – can you see it?” I opened my eyes to see him pointing at the monitor and underlining the spot where the flickering shadow could be easily seen.  Brian squeezed my hand tightly, and my tears began to fall. I have never been so in awe of something so tiny. Dr. 3 continued the exam, taking measurements and giving notes for the nurse to write down. As he moved the probe over a little further to one side he noted it a tiny dark circle about an eighth of the size of the sac our little one floated in. The other embryo had implanted, but didn’t take. To be honest I wasn’t entirely surprised, and I’m not sure I can explain why. I feel a connection to the little one who wasn’t, but I also hold a great understanding that it wasn’t their time. And I’m at peace with that. The rest of the measurements went fine, my ovaries were nice and quiet - just what he hoped to see.  He closed things up and went over the rest of my protocol, asked if we had any questions then congratulated us with very sincere handshakes. As he walked out of the room, he let out a comically dramatic “Whew!”.  We laughed pretty hard about it then, but I realize now that it was kind of cool to see how much doing the first u/s weighed on him. If he doesn’t do that out loud every time, I’m sure he does it internally.

They asked us to go back to the waiting room so that we could wait to speak with one of the nurses about some other formalities. There were two other couples there and we did our best to keep our composure so as not to flaunt our amazing news in front of them. They seemed like newbies. The nurse, one of our favorites, let us know that we’d need to set up our next u/s with our OB, and she gave us a copy of our records to provide to them. We haven’t been released by Dr. 3 but we’ve chosen not to do any more Out of Pocket appointments with him. She also gave me another prescription for the last round of meds. I have 20 more days of PIO shots. 34 more days of Heparin and Metformin.

In addition to the u/s milestone we had yesterday, I experienced one more. My last Resolve meeting, for now.  In the group that I attend, they invite you back for one last meeting after a confirmed pregnancy. I didn’t realize it was going to be so difficult. Each member sits in the circle and tells you their name and as much about their situation as they are feeling up to.  I began to explain my situation; Trying for four years - as of next month, six failed donor IUI’s,  a yearlong break before IVF. As I wrapped up the details of our cycle, I heard the words “it worked” come out of my mouth and I promptly fell apart. I apologized to everyone and explained how grateful we were, but that acknowledging it – especially there, was overwhelming. The ladies in attendance were nothing short of gracious and congratulatory. But I had a hard time chiming in with information or personal experiences after outing myself.  I always thought that asking the pregnant people/couples to come back for one last meeting was mostly in consideration for those still in the battle, but I can see now that it’s inappropriate for both sides. Listening to heartbreaking story, after heartbreaking story wouldn’t be beneficial. They weren’t comforting anymore. And I’ve heard too many as it is. It’s time for me to accept that, and move on.

Taking the time to step back and analyze my reaction to everything, and just how I’ve processed the existence of this pregnancy so far has truly cemented the fact that I am damaged goods. I’ve had every reason to believe that things were going fine, decent symptoms, decent numbers, no history (thankyougod) of loss. But yet, I couldn’t even acknowledge the simple fact to myself without throwing some caveat up in front of anything that would resemble a statement about our immediate future. It was too scary. 

It still is.

But I'm going to try.

One.

One Heartbeat.

No words...

Baby is measuring right on track. Heart rate is 129.

So, so many grateful tears.

Pictures on the new tab above.

I'm really pregnant.