Reminiscing

I've been thinking about the days when I spent hours pondering and analyzing potential pregnancy symptoms. 

My how things come full circle. 

Because I've spent the last 48 hours pondering and analyzing potential labor signs... And I just remembered that before I found out I was pregnant, I'd had ZERO symptoms. I was fairly certain our IVF cycle hadn't worked. And the entire week before that I had gone back and forth in my head, "it TOTALLY worked!" - "We're NEVER going to be parents." and so on...

Once again I find myself hanging in the balance of "Could this be it?!"... Is today the day?

Only in the past two or three days have I started to feel any anxiety about the due date. It's gets crazy when you can say with certainty that sometime within the next 15 days, you will have a baby. And I think I'm starting to get a little freaked out. Though I can't exactly pinpoint why. Part of me feels unprepared for labor, even though just a week ago I felt disturbingly confident. My emotions are all over the place. I'm cranky, whiny, bitchy, paranoid, anxiety-ridden, and then fine. I did not see any of that coming...

Physically this pregnancy is getting a lot harder. It's not just hard to bend down, but it actually hurts now - it feels very crampy. My hands and feet are very swollen and I've developed pretty substantial Carpal Tunnel. I can barely make a fist. I feel a lot of pressure in my nether regions, but not all day everyday. It's worse in the morning and at night. Or if I've been sitting or laying down for a long time. And sometimes when I turn my right foot out to the side, I get this awful dull pain that runs down my groin. P.S. the baby's head is on that side. Sleeping is still poo. My back hurts a lot. But I'm still loving every minute of this pregnancy, and despite all the physical discomfort; feeling a little sad that it's almost over. 

The baby seems to be doing well. Although last night I'd swear he/she had like four frappachino's or something. It felt like he/she was trying to swim to the bottom of the tank, if that makes any sense. Crazy constant movement. And even as it got really uncomfortable and disruptive (kept me awake!) I couldn't help but laugh as I watched my belly moving up and down and side to side. It was truly rambunctious. 

I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow at 4:15pm. At my last appointment she told me she'll want to do an internal just to have a look at things.  And for the first time I feel okay with that. I felt so much indifference before because I know that whatever dilation/effacement measurement she gives me, it won't necessarily indicate when labor might start, so why bother? I wasn't planning to anything to evict my little one anyway. At least not within the first ten days after my due date anyway. But within the last couple of days I've begun to challenge my original non-plan plans. My acupuncturist assured me that doing a session with her wouldn't necessarily be like hitting an eject button, it would only work if my body was ready to allow it to work. I made an appointment for this Friday, but I'm probably going to cancel it...

I'm 39 Weeks, 4 days and currently feeling like I just don't know what to do with myself. 

Maybe it's just the pressure of "any day now"...

Checking In!

Hello! I'm here, and still pregnant!

Monday was my first official day of maternity leave and I could not feel more relieved... Honestly, I wish that my leave had started the week of Thanksgiving instead. Initially I planned to work up until my due date, then changed it to a week before, and once sleep started becoming ridonkulous I bumped it back another week.  For those of you still early on in your pregnancy, and especially if this is your first one, I would highly recommend planning to be out a minimum of two weeks before your due date. Just because you really don't know what your body is going to do. And it's been nice to have some down time to get all of the little things wrapped up.

So the sleeping thing has gotten a little easier to manage, but only because I stopped fighting it. About the middle of last week I stopped worrying about needing to be functional at a certain time and I just got up instead of laying in bed torturing myself over how much more sleep I should be getting. I'm staying up a lot later, instead of going to bed at the usual time and my sleep has been SO much less fitful. And if I wake up and can't go back to sleep for more than 30 minutes, I get up and do something useful. And even though the timing is a little stupid, the quality of sleep I'm getting is better so I'm not as exhausted all the time.

I can't believe it's Thursday already. I've been so busy this week, that I've hardly had time to sit down and catch up on blogs.  Wow, NINE days until our due date - BANANA'S! 

More later!

Zero To One Thousand Sixty

So like I was saying in my last post, it's reeeealy truly hit me that this is it. We have like 17 more days until our due date. SEVENTEEN DAYS!!! What the mother fuck??? 

I'm currently operating on three speeds: 

1. Drop dead exhausted

2. Wired like a meth head

3. Cranky bitch who wants to, but can't seem to get enough done. And no you can't help cause you won't do it right. (I believe the books poetically refer to this as "nesting", but I also currently believe the authors are morons.)

I'm going to blame that last speed on my current state of consistent sleep deprivation. Cause oh my hell does trying to sleep suck my ass. Being in bed is barely tolerable and then I have to get up to pee. And turning over in bed is harder than trying to like the Twilight movies. (I want so badly to love them as much as I did the books, but sweet Jesus does Kristen Stewart suck {ha ha} what little talent is in the cast to begin with out of those movies. Taylor Lautner is almost as bad but at least he serves as a little piece of eye candy.) What was I talking about? Sleep. Right. It sucketh mightily. But I fully understand that this is my body's way of preparing me to be up every two hours feeding and taking care of my sweet baby. In that case? I'M READY, YO.

Belly Wise all sorts of things are a happenin' in/on there. More stretch marks, yay. And cheese and crackers has Round Ligament pain come back with a vengeance. I guess that's because my uterus is the size of Nebraska, and it's getting harder for those little ligaments to haul all that weight around. 

 I'm fairly certain the kiddo is getting pretty cramped in there too. The last few days it feels like he/she has been doing squat-thrusts and lunges in an attempt to make more room in there. Which sounds adorable, and believe me I'm pretty sure I'll miss it some day, but right now it's getting to the point where it just plain hurts.

More than once I've mistaken my fingers for Vienna Sausages. My poor hands are getting so swollen that I have resorted to wearing this ghetto fabulous little number that I got from a Bachelorette party like a million years ago: 

I know it seems nuts, but the stones in the ring are so absurdly large that it makes my fingers seem not-so-corndog-like. Seriously by the afternoon, the lines around my knuckles are disturbingly smooth.

The girls. TMI warning - they haven't gotten any larger but something in them is a brewin'. I've been noticing little droplets of liquid from them since around 28 weeks, but it's getting more consistent now. And if I massage my breasts a little I can actually sort of make stuff come out. It looks like both colostrum and milk. Kinda crazy, kinda cool. 

In the five days we have made an obscene amount of progress in getting ready for baby. 

The furniture is finally in

Curtains are up

The baby's laundry is completely done, folded and put away 

Car seat is installed - though we still need to run it by a fire station to have it okay'd (for peace of mind)

Here is Brian being all ridiculously cute and daddy-like installing said car seat:

Bassinet is put together

Hospital Bag is 70% ready to go

- I know I should have had that done weeks ago, but read my last post if you're still not following. Ten percent of the missing items I need to shop for and the other twenty percent are last minute things we can't pack until it's actually time to go. 

And helping to make it all Super DUPER real: Friday is my last day of work!

So it's umm, well after midnight here and I am WIDE awake-asaurus- rex. 

Think I'll go mow the lawn or something! 

PEACE. 

Oh! I added two new pics to the Photo Gallery. One is a belly pic and the other is  a last minute u/s they ordered for a growth check on account of my MTHFR. Baby is measuring in the 43rd percentile. 

Enjoy!

Oh Right, We're Having A Baby

Despite the fact that we’ve had two showers and completed all of our birth classes (totaling 18 hours). And spent the last 255 days convincing myself that I really am pregnant. Sometimes I forget we’re going to have a baby. Like being pregnant and having a baby are two totally separate things. I guess in some ways, and in some tragic scenario’s, they are. But I’m not planning on any tragedies. I’d say we deserve a few years of mind numbing commonalities, no? (As do all of you, as well.)

Seriously, it’s just starting to hit me that we are going to have a child. Like, the next time I need an oil change, there will be a car seat in the back of my car with a little person in it.  Bananas... This whole time all everyone has ever talked about is “when the baby comes”, but the only thing I could ever focus on was the fact that I was actually pregnant.  And apparently staying that way. Yes, part of me acknowledges that there is the child we’ve wanted so badly growing right here and my womb, and I am so overjoyed and anxious to finally meet him or her. But somehow my mind never let me fully acknowledge that we might end up being parents in December. 

Now here we are... I’m 37 weeks along, which is technically full term. I can feel our little monkey’s movements so clearly that I can also tell that he or she is swiftly running out of room in there. Still head down, back and bottom is on/against my right side. (The placenta is on the left). But it’s hitting me now. REALLY hitting me. And I am SO fucking excited. 

It's In The Air

Brian and I were driving to our birth class last week when we noticed a house with Christmas lights up. 

Christmas lights. 

Since we started talking about the impending birth of this baby, we've loosely used the term "this Christmas" in reference to when the baby will potentially be here. Well now "this Christmas" is right around the corner and HOLY CRAP am I having a hard time wrapping my head around that. And you know what else? Today is exactly one month from our due date...

I find it funny however that at I am quite accepting of  and have no trouble counting down the days, minutes, and seconds until my maternity leave starts. Holy schnikies if we could afford it I would have taken the four weeks off before hand. I have a lot to do at work, and am eager to do it. But every morning when I literally roll out of bed, I shake my head and think  _ _  more days of this crap... 

How about some pictures?!

They're from my second shower, thrown by my friend Teresa and another Childhood friend. It was lovely and everything I wanted. Just a great group of ladies whom I'm grateful to call my friends. Eating, laughing, and as they all do so well, supporting me. The favors were homemade Biscotti cookies. The reasons I'm grateful for these are three fold: 

1. I fucking hate leaving a shower with some tchotchke crap that will only end up loose and rolling around under the seats in my car while the contents ultimately melt and the container inexplicably opens up only to stain my floor mats or goop up some crevasse I only notice when something important falls in to it. 

2. They were made from scratch with love on my behalf.

3. Mmmmmmmmmm COOOKIEEEES. 

Pumpkin Pecan Biscotti

She also did an Orange and Dark Chocolate Chip one - RI-donkulously good!

Next we have two other ladies whom I have shared this pregnancy with . The one on the far left is the wife of one of Brian's childhood friends. The one in the middle is one of my good friends whom I've known since middle school. It just so happens that we're all due within two weeks of each other. Good times.

November 30,   December 28,   December 17




On pregnancy note, my bellybutton is becoming ever so scarce. The stretchmarks I was hoping to avoid however, are not. They are small, and dark pink and on the underside of my belly. I can only see them in the mirror. But I guess they are still pretty minimal based on some other maternity pics I have seen. Plus I already have a ridiculous amount of stretchmarks on my hips and breasts from crazy growth spurts during puberty. And these new ones were very hard earned  and I think I might just come to love them. 

November Already

Brian spent all of last weekend finishing the nursery. Primer, paint, install new crown molding, paint new molding and existing trim, repaint closet door. He was a very busy guy, but he got it all done and it looks fabulous. By that Sunday night we were able to move the crib, and all of the items we had received from the family shower into the room. When I picked up the first bag of consolidated goodies a little sting of a tear hit my eye. And by the third bag, it had turned into uncontrollable weeping. I cried because I couldn’t believe we were moving things in to the room that had caused me so much pain for so long, just by simply existing. I cried because we have a reason to move things into that room. I cried because I thought of all the deserving people who are still waiting to have a reason to fill their spare room. And I cried because I feel so fucking lucky that our time has almost come. Brian didn’t say a word, he just hugged me. He knew exactly why I was crying. 

The room is slowly coming together. I have been progressively taking pictures of each step, and am working on a slide show to post for when we have it mostly ready/done. I wanted to wait for this last shower before I started putting things together. We need to do an inventory of clothes and necessities to find out what else we still need, which I’m incredibly humbled to say, probably won’t be much. Everyone has been very generous. The other shower was this weekend, and holy crow do we feel spoiled. This was mostly just girlfriends, and it was really lovely, and easy and fun. 98% of the ladies had met or known each other before so, it just felt like a gathering and not a production. No games (again), just food, chatting, and gifts. All I could have wanted and more.

Pregnancy wise, things are going well. I have to say I think the third trimester is WAY harder than the first. I’m so much more tired and slow, and it seems like regular errands take me twice as long as they should. The Friday before Halloween I was picking up groceries and a few pumpkins, I was so tired that I actually asked a store bagging clerk for help out to my car... that was a reality check.  I always have big plans for the weekend to kick ass around the house, but I inevitably get a late start, (due to being in bed) and end up taking a nap or at least have to sit down for a bit more than a few times. And also lately we’ve just had so much going on. Showers for me (and to other friends) And just various other activities. But I’ve blocked out two weekends this month so we won’t have ANY plans. I just can’t do it all anymore! 

How far along? 34 Weeks, 3 days

How big is the baby? Enormous. Okay probably about only 5 - 5.5 pounds.

Weight gain? 34 lbs. and still six weeks to go. Part of me doesn’t really care how much I gain, the other part of me says my Post-partum self won't feel quite as unerstanding.

Maternity Clothes? Maternity clothes are fine, but if I had my way I would forgo wearing pants or a bra for the next 40+/- days.

Sleep? Sleep sort of blows. My hips and back are getting pretty sore. If I’m not up peeing, or walking off a hip cramp, I’m rearranging the eleven pillows that help keep me comfortable for 7-9 minutes at a time. The good news is that because one night I’ll sleep ridiculously awful, the next night I’m usually so exhausted that I’ll sleep semi decent.

Gender? Let you know next month {next. month. (!)}

Movement? Lots. Break dancing, Yoga and handstands are my guesses, because holy crap there is a ruckus going on in there, almost to the point of it being a little painful. It pinches. But it’s still super fun watching my belly move.

Food? Food is GREAT. I LOVE FOOD. I eat it. A LOT. I have a snack between breakfast and lunch and one between lunch and dinner. And occasionally a small bowl of cereal before bed. I’m trying to keep my snacks relatively healthy (fruit or yogurt), but I will say my sweet tooth is very much in full effect the rest of the day.

What I miss? Not a damn thing.

What I’m looking forward too? HAVING A BABY.

Milestones? Being 34 weeks, 3 days. Having been thrown two beautiful showers.

Symptoms? Heartburn, fatigue, muscle cramps, little bit of swelling in the hands (I can’t wear my wedding rings anymore). Oh and I think I’m starting to get the cliché “pregnancy brain”, though I hate that saying and would rather attribute it to my lack of sleep.  But yeah, I’m pretty foggy and forgetful. Not fun. Still wouldn't trade it for the world though. 

How Bizarre

We have baby stuff. 

In OUR house. 

And not just tucked away in one room, it’s like, spread out all over. The nursery is being painted, so everything was pulled out. The crib is in the office, along with the haul of gifts we received at my family shower this past weekend. Stuffed animals are on our dresser, because Parker thinks they are his, and would love nothing more than to massacre them in 6.4 seconds flat. Items to be returned to BRU are in the living room. Handmade gifts that will be returned so that a name can be embroidered on them are sitting on the kitchen table. Larger items like the car seat and bouncy chair and swing, are in the garage. So everywhere I look there is something for this baby growing inside of me. And it’s bizarre. 

The shower went remarkably well, I’d say. As much as I imagined that day to basically be my worst nightmare, my MIL’s friends did a very good job of orchestrating every detail so that the guests weren’t held hostage all day.


 Appetizers, Chatting, Lunch, Gifts, Cake, DONE. 


While it felt like several hours due to how much attention I was receiving, in actuality it ran about three. Pretty good for 37 women in one room.  We got a lot of wonderful gifts, and I am overwhelmed by everyone’s thoughtfulness and generosity. We had quite the car load to take home. And now we actually have enough clothing to do a full load of laundry! Up until Sunday I’d only had four onesies put aside. 

CAKE!

Me.

Our first Christmas outfit!

A super snuggly little one piece suit, perfect for winter.

A super soft blanket to remind me that we are having a baby. 




I hit the 32 week mark last weekend, and emotionally it gave me a little breathing room. I do realize that if our little one came today they would probably be in the NICU for several weeks, but just the knowledge that the survival rate is SO much higher at this point, brings me a bit of peace. And it's really truly finally starting to set in with me that we are actually going to have a baby. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.


Pregnancy wise, things continue to go well. The bladder infection seems to have cleared up, and while I'm still up at least twice a night to pee, it's better than four times a night. Although the other downside to the antibiotics is that they gave me a yeast infection. I guess part of what they did is killed some of the other necessary bacteria in there, resulting in a YI. Boo. 


My belly is definitely getting A LOT bigger. I've started to bump into more things with it, as well as spilling on it. The baby is getting more and more active and stronger each day. Last night Brian and I were laying in bed watching TV when all of a sudden the baby started going ape. And because I was laying on my side, my belly was really soft so the kicks looked and felt even stonger. The look on Brian's face made me fall in love with him and the baby even more. It was just priceless. Then we watched my belly moving for a little while. It's indescribable each time I re-comprehend (I make up words) that there is a little person in there. 


I definitely feel like I'm slowing down. Which at 8 months, I suppose, should be the case... While I miss being able to kick ass, I am still loving every second of what makes me so tired and lazy. And I'm just so very grateful. 

You're Fired.

Well the appointment I had yesterday sealed the deal. I’m done with my OB. Nothing explosive happened, but the in-depth conversation I had with him regarding childbirth plans pretty much gave me all of the ammunition information I needed. 

O.V.E.R. 

He’s a lovely doctor, and I’m sure that our baby would be delivered safely in his care, but I evidently wouldn’t have much of a say in it. So here’s the first part of what you should know and where things went wrong. 

I’m hoping to deliver this child naturally. With no epidural, and minimal medical intervention. 

What my dinosaur doctor heard was: I hate Doctors and hospitals and I plan to be as uncooperative and insubordinate as possible during my delivery, so good luck with that. 

He started off by suggesting I stay away from reading materials. Explaining that they can be quite dogmatic and contradictory to other sources, and that my body will really know what to do because it’s programmed into our DNA. Okay, I get that school of thinking. I can appreciate the theory of the power of suggestion, and I just so happen to agree 100% that delivering a baby is probably built into my DNA. But I also believe that you can prepare yourself for something like this. I will be experiencing a level of pain to which I have never known. Not even after sitting through the entire showing of Sex and the City II. I think I should know what’s coming. And the more I sat there listening to him, the more it sounded like he was saying “This is what can happen if you let women learn how to read…” 

When I say I want to deliver with no epidural and minimal medical intervention, I do not mean: in a barn. I am not Anti- Doctor, or medicine. Obviously, we did IV-fucking F. I’ll do whatever means necessary to get my desired result, savvy? And I am also not stupid. I realize that I can make all the birth “plans” I want, and things could end up 180 degrees differently. (Hi Murgdan!) So aside from preferring a completely natural delivery, our other plan is to know our options. So in Scenario A, B, C, or Q, Brian and I will have some kind of idea of what my preferences are so I won’t have to deliberate a life changing decision in the midst of a contraction. Or if I’ve checked out completely, (not dead, but incapacitated) Brian and I will be on the same page. 

When I mentioned this to him a few months ago, I’m guessing he yes’d me on the au natural part. But today when I talked to him about studying The Bradley Method, the mood all changed. He told me that the Bradley Method was somewhat “Anti-Doctor”. Which is interesting because so far what I’ve gotten out of the book, is that it’s really about husband/partner coached labor. When I explained that my main idea’s behind using this method is that it took so much medical intervention to get me pregnant, I really like the idea of giving my body back the control. Not to mention taking some of the work load off of my poor kidneys. On top of that I think this could be a really amazing experience for Brian and I as a couple. I don’t believe that labor has to be scary and dramatic. I know it will be painful and hard work, and potentially very long. (that’s why they call it labor, no?) But I also believe that I am capable of doing it without much involvement from medical technologies. 

I asked him how many of his patients delivered naturally, he said 20-30%. And then he said the percentages were lower with his Bradley patients, and that I might want to consider getting a doula to assist us. (Which I’m totally not opposed to, I’m actually trying to find one that will take my insurance) And continued on that ‘no one really wants medical intervention, but sometimes it’s just necessary’. I interjected with: I actually know women who would sign up for an epidural now, if the release form came with their hpt kit. True Story. And then what I should have said but wasn’t quick enough to think of is: Odd though that if no one really wants medical intervention, how come 70-80% of your patients end up with

 it???? 

Please know, I am not against Medical Intervention. Epidurals. Hospitals. Doctors. Nurses. Vaccines. America’s Got Talent being renewed for yet another season, even though I truly believe it is a crime against humanity. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. To each, his own. All god’s children, yada yada... I’m just saying this is my preference and I’m going to find a licensed medical practitioner who will do their damnedest to help us prepare for it, and hopefully see us through a delivery the way we’d prefer, while in a safe and legal nature, resulting in an insanely healthy live baby being born. If there are one hundred and forty two things I've learned from Infertility, number two on the list is being your own advocate. Good day to you, Sir.

My Horizon's

Warning: This is a super TMI pg post, so if you’re not in a good place, yamight wanna skip this one and I promise I’ll still love you anyway.

Lots of new developments in the last week or so. None of them extraordinary, but a few of them have taken me by surprise. I’m not going to sugar coat this first one folks, but holy crap my jugs are getting HUGE. You might remember that I usually refer to them as “the girls”, but dude, that reference is no longer applicable. They. Are. Jugs. Gozanga’s even.  A few weeks ago I noticed that I was starting to outgrow my regular bra’s so I was like, “Okay, cool, this is normal…” and I switched over to my “fat bras”. Read: Bras I had kept from before I lost 36+ lbs last year. Saved myself a little quiche right there, I did. However, not three weeks later, I am already muffin-topping out of them! Gah. My jugs are so full and heavy, and my veins read like a Metro Map. I could create an app based on my chest that would probably rival g.oogle maps. It’s out of control, really. 

THEN, the other day, I was walking through the house scratching my stomach when my finger found its way into my belly button, and cheese and crackers folks, it’s… it’s getting shallow. I used to be able to fit an entire fingertip in there, now it only goes about halfway. FREAKY. But cool. 

Oh, good news! I got my last NK Assay and TH1/TH2 follow up test. They came back: NORMAL. My favorite nurse called to tell me personally that everything looked great and I am officially released to my OB. RELEASED TO MY OB. She told me how happy she was for us, and asked that we keep them posted. I told her how very much we enjoyed working with her, and how grateful we were for all of her help. I was actually in the middle of shopping at Trad.er.Jo.es for my lunch when she called. I had a hard time staying composed in the frozen section while taking in exactly what our conversation actually meant… This is all really happening. And it’s going by so, so fast.

We’ve started looking at baby stuff. CRAZY. Brian is going to build the crib and changing table, so we went to a couple of fancy-shmancy boutiques to pilfer designs.  I know you might be picturing Brian with a glue gun surrounded by a pile of kindling, but this isn’t like a DIY project that I would get great “I told you so” satisfaction from. He is quite capable I assure you, and I can’t wait to show you how amazing his woodworking skills are…  And we’re going to choose a design that will convert to a head and foot board, so it’s something we can keep for a long time. Which makes me smile. It’s nice to feel excited and not quite as scared. I’m slowly letting my guard down, and this new world is just amazing. If you haven’t seen it yet, I hope you join me very, VERY soon. 

Holy Crap, She's A Lazy Whore

Oh wait, I’m talking about me.  Sorry it’s been like, a millennia since I updated. While rereading through my last couple of posts I realized I’ve left quite a few things open ended. So here are a few bullet points to ease your back into your seats.

• Progesterone – I was finally able to stop my suppositories. 13w6d as my last round. I had my P4 checked four days later and my level was 19, up from 17. So no more weekly blood tests!
• Immunology – I had another NK Assay follow up, they checked my TH1 and TH2 as well. Bad news on this front, all of my levels spiked even higher after my last infusion, so I had to go back for two more weekly infusions. This kid is definitely going to Junior College. And wearing mine or Brian’s hand me downs.
• NT Scan -  I decided not to go in for the test after all. I just really didn’t like the idea of a Ratio Diagnosis. Or that fact that a false diagnosis would lead to (potentially unnecessary) invasive testing. No judgment for those who go, it just wasn’t for me.
• Commenting – I signed up for Goog.le Ch.rome, and for the most part it’s working. Although randomly now Safari is giving me trouble. WTF blogger?

As for my overall well being I am, despite the crappy NK news, feeling much more confident and comfortable with myself and this pregnancy. I think making myself talk more about the pregnancy and acknowledging here just how much I was really struggling with it all has helped me feel less like I was an impostor. Or that talking about it will make something bad happen to the baby – having had the Doppler handy hasn’t hurt things either. One other really cool thing? I’ve started feeling movement – so bananas. Last Sunday afternoon (15w1d) I was waking up from a nap *(see post title above) when I felt what I can only describe as a cross between a tapping and bubbles popping, distinctly on my right side… It happened again a few minutes later. It was a very unique feeling, but it still took me about a day before I acknowledged it, or even mentioned it to anyone. I did some reading on it, checked in with some ladies on forum (cause that’s what IF bloggers do) and sure enough, they confirmed what I’d thought (knew) I’d felt. It’s not terribly consistent, which is kind of a bummer. And it's so subtle that half the time I don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s over. 


Food is still a bit of a battle. Still can’t do the spicy stuff, though I am able to do desserts again. Not sure that’s really a good thing. Meat. A little over a week ago, meat all of a sudden became an issue. Particularly when I had to prepare it. It didn’t make me yak or anything, I just suddenly found it profoundly vile. But then last night I was shopping at Costco and picked up a Rotisserie Chicken on a whim. Thirty minutes later I found myself talking dirty to it and eating it out of the pan on my kitchen counter… That said, I’ve eaten nothing but fruits, veggies, and carbs today. 


I’m getting closer to not being able to wear any of my regular clothes. Shopping at Maternity stores has certainly made me branch out with my style choices. More patterns and colors than I used to wear, as well as having bought a few skirts. I’m a fan of black, and earth tones, but evidently maternity stores think jewel tones and floral patterns are more appropriate. I suppose that has to do with it being summer and what not as well. 


So that’s it for now, I should try to at least make it look like I don’t agree with my title and get some house work done. I’ll check back in soon, folks!

Just Easin' the Tension, Baby.

Telling people that I’m pregnant has been a strange experience. Not only because it feels like I’m lying, but also because I concurrently battle a voice in my head that says telling people means certain doom for our baby. Totally irrational, I know.

We’ve gotten a lot of love and support from family, mixed reactions from friends – some more than thrilled, some congratulated us like we told them we bought a house then followed their respects with how much work we were in for (and yes, they knew what we’d been through)… That was a little disheartening. But none of that matters when I think about my second home here. Even with all the praise we’ve received from our families, none of it compares to the support we’ve gotten from all of you. It’s just breathtaking to think about.

Telling people at work has also been interesting. I was so filled with anxiety about how and when I should say something that I more less ended up blurting it out. (My bosses already knew)

Nice lady from Bookkeeping: Well Good Morning Melissa, how are you today?

Me: Pregnant, and you?

(Squeals from two other ladies ensue)

There were only a few of us in the office at the time, I figured I’d let them gab about it and everyone else would catch on rather than me making one giant announcement during an Operations Meeting and risk being the center of attention. I’ve also gotten a few “It’s about time!” comments from older male coworkers. Which makes me wish I could live out this clip:

In addition I’ve started coming out about our Infertility. It’s scary to be honest about it, but it makes me feel proud at the same time, because we've come so far. Scary also since I’m the sort of “leave your home-life at home” type of employee. But coming out about in now also makes me glad that I was so secretive about our IVF cycle while we were going through it. I don’t think I could have responded quite as tactfully to the ignorant responses I’ve gotten regarding fertility treatments. None were made with ill intent, they just came about by being severely misinformed. I’m doing my best to diplomatically educate people without sounding too technical/condescending/know-it-all-ish. No easy feat for me.

I’ve made some progress in my head without the help of my therapist – yay me! I stopped therapy temporarily because I was too damn tired in the evenings to even try to complete a coherent sentence, so I’d rather not waste my deductible or my therapists time. Plus I’d prefer to spend that time eating and falling asleep sitting up in bed. Where was I going with this. Progress, right. I’ve decided to use my blog as aversion therapy. You may remember me telling you all that I had been feeling unsettled about talking about my pregnancy here specifically because I wasn’t sure I wanted this place to be about pregnancy as opposed to just IF. The other side of that is just feeling plain unsettled about this pregnancy in general. It’s not just hard to talk about it here, it’s hard to talk about it period. I feel… Guilty. Unworthy. Self-conscious. Conceited. Phony. Terrified. Which has no doubt made me a pleasure to be around, I probably sounded like I was telling people I had Cholera, instead of just being pregnant.

So. I’'m going to power through it.

I’ve decided that documenting this pregnancy is more important to me than my baggage. I worked really fucking hard to get here and I don’t know if I’ll ever be here again. Plus I have the memorization capacity of a gnat, so somebody needs to chronicle all this crap.  And I’m going to do it right here. In the place and with the people I feel most comfortable spilling my guts too: Complete strangers living in different states most likely under assumed names.

I love you’s guy’s. More to come.

12 Weeks, But Don't Get Too Comfy

I’m twelve weeks and four days, deep breath now, yes? Well, “BWAHAHA!!!” says the universe. Not so fast Melissa, here’s a little curve ball just in case you were getting a little too comfortable shopping for maternity clothes and thinking about colors for the potential nursery. Oh and don’t pick out any names just yet either!


I got a phone call today. My Natural Killer Cells are elevated again. Not to an exceedingly dangerous level mind you, but elevated nonetheless. And yes, aside from them being normal last time I had a blood draw, I was very aware that this could be an issue. But my friend Denial and I had made up our minds that this problem would just go away, and we were quite content with that. Let me just say, that I’ve planned to do, and will do everything within my power to keep this baby safe, but sweet Jesus am I so overwhelmed with the constant stream of having things to fear in regards to this pregnancy. Please know that I’m so grateful to have gotten this far, and for the fact that I have access to such specialized care. But oh my gawd I am just exhausted from all of this –  all the ups and downs, and feeling pushed and pulled by being so aware that having gone through four years of infertility has changed me, mostly for the good. And I’ll never be the same, I’m not a regular pregnant person - and for so many reasons,  I am proud of that. But now, in this regard, I want so badly to be a regular pregnant person.  I’ve read so many blog posts about the women who hate graduating from the their clinics (save the fact that it usually means they are pregnant)  because they are sad to leave the safety net of their RE’s monitoring and guidance. Which makes plenty of sense. But for me, I am just so fucking over the constant monitoring. I can’t wait to wrap things up over there. Don’t get me wrong. I love Dr.3 and the fact that he made our biggest dream come true (so far). But DAMMAT am I ready to be done with them. I don’t want to see another alcohol pad, or syringe of any type, or a fucking cotton ball covered by paper tape on my arm... I’m tired of weekly blood draws and hoping I get my favorite phlebotomist – I DON’T WANT TO HAVE  A FAVORITE FUCKING PHLEMBOTOMIST! It’s been six months now of regular monitoring and I’m starting to feel more like an inmate that a fucking patient. 


But back to the NK issue. All I have to do is have another Intralipid infusion. Piece of cake, right? Sure, except that my clinic and the satellite office for the Beers Center totally screw you on the cost. My clinic charges $700.00 per infusion, it takes about 90 minutes and they are 7 miles away from my office. The Beers Office charges $550.00, takes about 3.5 hours (including travel time) and is 30 miles away from my office. The kicker? A bag of the Intralipid mixture, cost roughly $50.00 US dollars. Which basically means I'm taking it in the tuckus to pay for their overhead, because they basically have me and everyone else, over a barrel. They might as well say “Take this, or your baby will die. Cash, Check or Charge? ” 


I just want to scream ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 


After I caught my breath a bit I sent an email to Dr. 3 with a few questions. 


Hello Dr.3, 


I was wondering if you would be able to explain a little bit about what the recent increase in my NK cells could mean. I understand that the level is fairly low, does that still mean the Intralipid infusion absolutely necessary? Also, how likely is this to be an ongoing issue during the rest of my pregnancy? 
Thank you in advance for your time 


Sincerely, ProbablynotgoingtobeabletorelaxuntilI’mwritingacheckforthiskidswedding


His response:


Hi Melissa, 


90% of the patients who require immunology treatment are done by twelve weeks. You fall into the 10% where your NK is still a little elevated and the reason to treat is because of the possibility that the Natural Killer Cells could attack the developing placenta. 


As the placenta gets bigger it is better able to defend itself and that is why most people are usually done by twelve weeks. In patients with severe elevations, it is sometimes necessary to treat them up to 20 weeks, but not beyond. I think it is very likely that your levels will be normal after one more treatment, but the body is not a machine, so one cannot say with certainty until we test again. 


Warm regards, 
Dr. 3 


And my progesterone levels are still stupid – in my opinion. This week came in at 15. I have another 11 days of the suppositories that melt and drip out shortly after I go to bed, mostly because I’m up peeing every two hours. So I have to wonder if I am even getting the benefit of them. Sorry for the rant. And sorry if this sounded like my complaining is unreasonable. Deep down I am grateful to have problems like these, because I am all too aware of the alternative. Thanks for listening. 


Reading. 


Whatever.

The Inbetween

So I haven’t been a total slacker since last week. Blogger has been doing some wacky shit, and I am still not able to comment at all. It just keeps asking me to “Select A Profile” and no matter how many times I enter my username and password it won’t let me get anywhere… So if you haven’t heard from me, it’s not because I stopped loving you!

Things are still going well with me, as far as I know. I’m 11 weeks, 4 days today. My progesterone level is only at 17 even after starting the suppositories back up, so they want me to stay on them until 14 weeks as opposed to 12. Which blows, but I am more than happy to do it. Supposedly my last Heparin shot is this weekend, I say that with trepidation because of how things went with my P4. But holy crow will it be nice not to take any more shots. I’ve been giving myself shots in my stomach daily since JANUARY. I’ve racked up over 290 injections in that time, from Humira, to Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Novarell, to Progesterone in Oil, and finally Heparin. And I’m on my sixth Sharps container. Good times.

As for the pregnancy, I’m starting to feel a leetle more at ease. Especially thanks to the Doppler that was loaned to me by the too fabulous for words Shelby, over at The Great Big IF. I know a few of you had suggested getting one after my last post. I had it then but was too chicken-shit to use it. I was just afraid to try it too early and not find anything,  thereby inducing an aneurysm. Though I did finally get brave enough to give it a whirl a few days ago. I found the heartbeat within about five minutes. I could seriously listen to that All. Day. Long.

I’m starting to have a day here and there where I’m not exhausted and can eat semi normally. Still can’t really do any desserts or spicy foods. I bought a few pairs of Maternity bottoms, I LOVE THEM, except for one pair which I stupidly did not try on before I left the store. They just happened to be my size and I figured great – they’ll be fine. For some reason they are really snug in the legs, but seem to sag and slide in the butt region. So I’m constantly having to hike up the waist. They are the same style as the other pair I bought, which fit fantastically, just a different color… Go Figure. So, I have a small bump, which is more predominant at night time. Right now, my regular shirts are starting to get pretty snug, but I just look like I’ve let myself go a little. And any of the maternity shirts that I’ve tried on look like I’m trying too hard to seem pregnant. Which is still not a label I’m entirely comfortable with. It’s been unseasonably cool here in Northern California, enabling me to wear lots of layers and cardigans, so I’m pretty sure my co-workers are still in the dark. But as soon as the summer actually hits, I know I’m screwed.  What else… I have my Nuchal Translucency Test scheduled but I’m starting to question whether or not it’s something I want to do. Whatever the test results show isn’t going to change our minds about keeping this pregnancy.  And I’m a little concerned about the percentage of accuracy in the test results. But then part of me is like “A two hour ultrasound??? Sign me up, bitches!” … I have another OB appointment before the NT test so I guess I’ll chat with the NP a little more about it – unless you folks care to share your experiences/input. That is, if you can comment. Hopefully blogger will clear things up SOON.

Tom Cruise May Have Been On To Something...

That is probably the first and only time you will ever hear me say such kind things about Tom Cruise, but when reports leaked that he was considering getting an ultrasound machine to monitor Ka.tie Hol.mes' pregnancy, (which may or may not have been BS) I kinda get where he was going with that. Oh, the sweet relief of seeing that flicker of a heartbeat on a monitor. I'm thinking about selling my Honda to buy one of those bad boys, if only to keep the men in the white coats away for just a little longer. (I'm pretty sure Brian is considering having me committed.)

Thanks for your thoughtful, and helpful comments on my last irrational post. I felt like the only reason my P4 would plummet like that was because there was something wrong with the pregnancy. I was really genuinely, terrified. It blew.

So my appointment went well this morning. (she recounts sheepishly.) I told the NP (nurse practitioner), about my P4 drop, and she said as long as I'm on the supps, she has no concerns. Levels bounce a little after stopping supplementation... Which sounded familiar. For my last two u/s' the baby was measuring a day behind, which they told me was no big deal, but today the baby was measuring a day ahead! That made me feel a whole lot better. We got to see and hear the heartbeat again. I told her that I had been worrying, and that this part is so much scarier than I had imagined. She smiled and told me there was no reason that I should torture myself with panic and that they are more than happy to do a "Peace of Mind" ultrasound between appointments. Then on that note, she told me to schedule my next appointment in two weeks. God Bless her.

I have a few more posts a'brewin'. I'll try to make them somewhat coherent in the near future, as well as get the latest pic up.

Thanks again folks.

Here

If I had a nickel for all the draft posts I’ve written over the last two weeks, I could probably help pay for an IUI cycle. But I’m in such a weird place, I’m having a hard time finding the words. And I’m feeling really strange about posting pregnancy related stuff here for a few reasons. 1. In all my day dreams about actually being pregnant, I imagined starting a new blog for just pregnancy stuff, while keeping this an IF place. 2. This whole pregnancy thing? Still not very real to me. I have accepted it on an intellectual level, but it’s still kind of difficult to wrap my head around. I had another u/s last Friday and part of me wondered if they were just playing a tape on the monitor. No joke. And even as we drove home I stared at the little gummy bear like figure in the shaded photo, and could hardly grasp the concept that it was a picture from my insides. It’s just so bizarre.

I’ve had several breakdowns feeling like things were over – triggered by fluctuating or lack of symptoms and just plain fear. We told Brian’s parents two weeks ago, because his Mom is going through Chemo and we felt like she could use a boost. They are over the moon, and it most certainly did lift my MIL’s spirits. It was fun to tell them, but pretty surreal, and it prompted an influx of irrational thoughts. Superstitious thoughts. And I’m not really a superstitious person. Telling them is sort of what prompted me to wait to tell my family. And I still can’t put my finger on why. It’s like I’m afraid there is a quota for happiness and we’re getting close to the end our allotment. Which I know makes no fucking sense at all.

So the whole 'start a new blog' thing… Part of me felt like starting up someplace new would be my show of respect to those still fighting the fight. They could still “know me” and count me as a sister without being bombarded by the evidence that I was lucky enough to get to the other side of all this after just one IVF cycle (not that I’m completely on the other side). Please know that I realize how fortunate I am to have fallen on the right side of the 60% success rate. Truly, I do. But another part of me thought about how much I’ve come to love this place, and how much history it holds. Albeit a mostly painful history, but in a strange way I’m proud of all the crap we’ve been through. I also thought about the many blogs I continued to read even though they had crossed over to pregnancy and even parenthood. I still loved them as sisters. They still know the hurt, they’re just in a different phase of life.  So the jury is still out on whether I’ll start up some place new, but for now I’ll keep posting here. If you’re not up for reading anything pregnancy related I’ll suggest you stop reading now. For the immediate future I will be using this place to document my transition from infertility to pregnancy. Weird.

So today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. When I look back to the day we first saw our positive test it seems like so long ago, though each individual week passes like molasses. Symptom wise, the fatigue has finally kicked in full gear. Yes, I was a bit tired before, but not to the extreme so many other women talked about. I was tired by the end of the day but by no means exhausted. As of about four days ago I am officially wiped by about 1pm every day. Boobs are still tender but much more manageable, I am now able to forgo the sports bra at night. I’m using the bell.aban.d with every pair of pants I own, and last week after my second u/s I allowed myself to order some maternity jeans online. I have to get them online for two reasons. 1 I am entirely too paranoid to go into an actual store because A) I’m just not ready for that. B) I’m terrified to be seen by someone I know. C) In the very back of my mind there is the irrational superstition that buying something could mean the worst for our little one. Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane. And 2. I’m 5’10 with a 34 inch inseam. I usually have to buy most of my jeans/pants online anyway, so it’s no biggie. I still doubt that I’m showing but I’m a little doughy and bloaty and it’s really uncomfortable to suck it in or have any kind of pressure on my abdomen. So maternity pants it is, however premature that may be. Food wise, the nausea has let up a bit, though I am prone to a sour stomach. The only aversion I have right now is to anything sweet, which seems moderately blasphemous because I’ve had a pretty big sweet tooth my entire life. Part of me wonders if this is really my kid. (KIDDING). Dairy, I heart dairy. I’ve been plowing through 1 gallon jugs of 2% milk since about 5 weeks. I drink it as a snack on a pretty regular basis, it’s also very good at helping to settle my stomach. I’m looking forward our next u/s which will be next Thursday (the 26th). I’ll do my best to get the pic up from my most recent u/s before the next appointment. 

I guess the last thing is just to thank you all again for your amazing support, and the sincerity behind your congratulations to me. It’s been overwhelming, in such a very good way.