The Call.

My doctor called early this evening. The ringer on my phone has been on the loudest setting since I left the clinic yesterday. But the phone was in my hand when it rang. And though she told me the results would likely be in Thursday or Friday, the instant I saw the number I knew it was her. 

Dr. B: Hi, Is this Melissa?
Me: Yes?
Dr. B: Hi Melissa it's Dr. B, I have some terrific news for you. 
Me: Uncontrollable sobbing....

The calcifications were 100% benign. 

I asked her several Questions:

Is this cluster a precursor to developing Breast Cancer? No. Benign Microcalcifications are not dangerous. But they should be monitored.

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF? In her 20+ years of experience, she has not personally seen a link between women who took fertility drugs and Breast Cancer. She is aware of the research being conducted regarding the two, but would not agree conclusively.

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two) This, I forgot to ask. I was kind of a mess, and missed this question.... I will either call her back, or check with someone else.


How soon should I get my next Mammogram? You should be monitored annually for several years.

We had a lengthy conversation, but I only remember that it put me at ease. I thanked her for the comfort and support she and her staff provided. 

The last three weeks, and the last five days in particular have brought a whirlwind of fears. And I'm not afraid to tell you that I let my mind travel to the darkest corners. I assumed the worst. It's almost hard to believe still. 

I am just so incredibly grateful.



*Also, I updated my last post to include more detail about the biopsy.

Alright, Maybe I Can Swing It.

Thank you, ladies for walking me through the logistics of it. And providing your own experiences. It has really taken the edge off of my anxiety about leaving her. I don't feel guilty about the time- never have. It's more about my being away from her. I know she'll kind of forget we're gone to an extent. Between naps and nighttime, she sleeps around fifteen hours a day. And she is VERY comfortable with my MIL. So I feel good about that. With the exception of the gloating and blustering I'll have to hear about her spending the WHOLE WEEKEND with her snookum-pie. (cue gag reflex) (and mama-bear reflex, for that matter...)

I genuinely believe in making time for Brian and I a priority. Leah goes to bed at 7pm every night, which gives us a good three hours each night. I do my best to have most of the stuff around the house finished by then. We also try to do a date night every month. The last one was in October, but it's been nuts. So the next one will be this week! Thanks to Christmas we have gift certificates to dinner and the movies!  

Anyhoo, I have decided to aim for staying there both nights, but allowing myself a little time to get used to the idea. And come game day, if I just can't handle it, I'll do one. Though I am preparing myself for how tough the days leading up to it can be. Thank you for pointing that out... And thank you again for the reassurances. I'm so grateful for the input. 

Supplied!

And you folks are exactly what I love about this community. I’m having a tough time with online boards, it seems like most of the people who reply are either crazy bitches or know-it-all schmucks. Neither of which I half an ounce of tolerance for.

So I’m happy to report that trying a combination of your suggestions has not only helped me increase my supply, but I was able to get caught up on my frozen supply while maintaining a fresh supply for the two days she is with my MIL. WOO HOO!

I was asked if Leah was sleeping through the night. She is not, she goes to bed at 8 and is up to feed between 11-2, then feeds again between 4-6. If she only feeds on one side I will stay up and pump the other. Also I try to feed her again right before I leave around 8:30am, but sometimes she’s just not interested.

So per your suggestions, I have switched to the preemie nipples, and asked my MIL to distract her if she starts crying right after it’s finished. If she still seems fussy after 10 minutes, she goes ahead with another bottle. (This usually only applies to 2-3 ounce bags)

On the days I am away from Leah, I pump every three hours religiously. Then I pump every night about an hour after she has gone to bed. (I nurse her to sleep at bed time) I have not tried double pumping, but will give it a shot. I usually massage my breasts while pumping to help encourage the flow. I also ALWAYS have a picture of Leah in front of me.

The Tea. Shit actually works. I stopped drinking it for two days and saw a noticeable decrease in the amount I was able to pump while maintaining my regular pumping/feeding habits. I hate the licorice taste, and hot tea is not exactly appetizing on the hot days, so I decided to chill it and it’s much easier to get through 32 ounces a day. That way it’s refreshing, a change of pace from water, and not nearly as licoriceishy tasting. (They recommend 24 – 40 ounce per day.)

I’m also working on eating the suggested foods!

One more question! I seem to be getting a blister in the same spot on the same nipple, which always leads to a clogged duct, because the milk can't get past the inflammed skin. I realize this is likely a latching issue, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to prevent it? I noticed that I got it one time after falling asleep while nursing - she just kept pacifying it. Then I woke up super raw. UGH. But I don't always realize there is an issue until later on.

Thanks again ladies!!!

Follow Up

I want to thank you all for your comments and support on my last post. To clarify, I did actually explain to my MIL at the time that I wanted her to come with me. I just wasn't honest about the nasty visceral reaction that made me want to scream: MINE. I didn't say anything to her or Brian at the time because to be honest, it really caught me off guard and I felt a little ashamed. I just forgot to add that to my post cause all my brain cells go out with my breast milk.


But Brian had me all figured out anyway. A few days later we stopped by my In Laws on our way to get some groceries. My MIL offered to watch her while we went, and before I could politely decline Brian howled and said "There's no way. Melissa won't leave her for much more than a shower or nap. Thanks though!" It was all said with love, as was my MIL's offer to watch Leah while we went to the store. I know that. I'm just not ready to leave her yet. Hell I miss her while she's in her car seat, behind me...


It's not that I think others aren't capable of watching her, it's just that I don't want to be away from her. It makes my heart hurt to even think about it.


So speaking of our little monkey. She'll be One Month on Sunday! In some ways it seems riDONKulous that she's been in our lives for a month already, but half of the time I constantly stare at her and wonder how she got SO big, SO quickly! She seems gigantic compared to when we first brought her home. 


I'm working on a post for her that I'll get up very soon. And I finished part one of the Birth Story, so you can look forward to those very soon!


P.S. Go Niners! 


P.P.S. I never watch football, and know very little about it. But I grew up in the 80's when the niners were a Dynasty. Also very close to the place where they used to practice. So, it's like a requirement...

The Sum of All Parts

Alright, I’m starting to feel a little bratty about my last post. Especially because not more than two posts ago I was bitching and begging for boring...  


I want to thank those of who validated my difficulty in transitioning, it’s really nice to hear that I’m not alone there and please know really and truly am grateful to have had an extraordinarily boring appointment. I look forward to many more of them. Really. I think the reasons for my reaction yesterday are twofold. One – I really was used to the super intense, and very goal oriented appointments that were part of seeing an RE. Two – I like the fundamentals of how this Doctor runs his practice, but I just don’t mesh with his personality. Or maybe I’m being too uptight. Expecting too much. Maybe being with someone who is so low-key is the best thing for me. Knock me out of my tightly closed shell. Or maybe I’ll start shopping for a new OB. Stay Tuned. 


So yeah, this last appointment was fairly uneventful. At the end of the appointment the nurse gave me a flyer with the name of a specialist that they wanted me to see for my 20 week scan. Twenty-flippin’-weeks. I am almost halfway through this pregnancy and still in denial. Sometimes when I say it to myself, it feels as new and as foreign as the day I saw a positive test. It’s just bananas. Anyhoo, lots of people have been asking about this scan and when we’ll find out what we’re having, and for a surprisingly large amount of people their heads are blown clean off when we tell them: December. We’ll find out in December, when I give birth. 


I’ve never really given much thought to gender prediction when it came to pregnant women. If you think about it, it’s as arbitrary as trying to guess hair or eye color. There’s only a limited number of things it could be, so why speculate based on how someone is carrying, what they’re cravings are, or whether or not their asses got fat. My best friend has three boys and each of her pregnancies were entirely unique. I know, I’m no fun right? True story, my friends. I’m kind of a curmudgeon when it comes to stuff like that. I guess I can see the harmless fun it throwing out guesses, and I’ll admit I’ve participated in more than one baby pool. But hell, I play the in the office Superbowl pools, even though I despise football. I just have a soft spot for illegal sources of gambling. 

When people hear that we’re not going to find out what sex of the baby is, some think it’s great, but some act like we’ve deliberately chosen to disappoint them. Like it’s a plot against them or something. That usually segues into their next question of whether or not we have a preference. I usually respond with a smile and laugh about not really caring. Brian is diplomatic as always and says he sees the joy in both genders. But when prodded I usually end up cutting them off with a sentence like “ It took us four years to get pregnant, we just want A. BABY. So do I hope it’s a boy? Do I hope it’s a girl? No. I hope IT gets here safe and healthy and that Brian and I have a significant role in making sure it turns out to be a caring, sensitive, productive member of society. So go ahead and buy IT something yellow already and leave me the hell alone.” 

Okay, I don’t really say any of that.  But I think it while I smile and nod, and try not to head-butt them. The truth is I've never wanted to find out what we were having. Even back in the day when I thought sex made babies, and it would be easy for us; I always figured we'd find out when they were born. I'm more intrigued by the element of surprise than having the knowledge to plan bedding choices based on gender. That said if we ended up with twins, I probably would have caved and found out. Just seems like good common sense, no? 

So I’m looking forward to the big 20 week scan, but only because I’ll always want to have a peak at the baby before it gets here, it's seriously ridonkulous when I repeat that to myself. Twenty week scan... Also, since I have three more weeks before said ultrasound, I put up a belly pic in the Photo Gallery Tab. (Cringe) It's not a great one, but I took like 30 and posted the least awful one. Please don't laugh. 

Here

If I had a nickel for all the draft posts I’ve written over the last two weeks, I could probably help pay for an IUI cycle. But I’m in such a weird place, I’m having a hard time finding the words. And I’m feeling really strange about posting pregnancy related stuff here for a few reasons. 1. In all my day dreams about actually being pregnant, I imagined starting a new blog for just pregnancy stuff, while keeping this an IF place. 2. This whole pregnancy thing? Still not very real to me. I have accepted it on an intellectual level, but it’s still kind of difficult to wrap my head around. I had another u/s last Friday and part of me wondered if they were just playing a tape on the monitor. No joke. And even as we drove home I stared at the little gummy bear like figure in the shaded photo, and could hardly grasp the concept that it was a picture from my insides. It’s just so bizarre.

I’ve had several breakdowns feeling like things were over – triggered by fluctuating or lack of symptoms and just plain fear. We told Brian’s parents two weeks ago, because his Mom is going through Chemo and we felt like she could use a boost. They are over the moon, and it most certainly did lift my MIL’s spirits. It was fun to tell them, but pretty surreal, and it prompted an influx of irrational thoughts. Superstitious thoughts. And I’m not really a superstitious person. Telling them is sort of what prompted me to wait to tell my family. And I still can’t put my finger on why. It’s like I’m afraid there is a quota for happiness and we’re getting close to the end our allotment. Which I know makes no fucking sense at all.

So the whole 'start a new blog' thing… Part of me felt like starting up someplace new would be my show of respect to those still fighting the fight. They could still “know me” and count me as a sister without being bombarded by the evidence that I was lucky enough to get to the other side of all this after just one IVF cycle (not that I’m completely on the other side). Please know that I realize how fortunate I am to have fallen on the right side of the 60% success rate. Truly, I do. But another part of me thought about how much I’ve come to love this place, and how much history it holds. Albeit a mostly painful history, but in a strange way I’m proud of all the crap we’ve been through. I also thought about the many blogs I continued to read even though they had crossed over to pregnancy and even parenthood. I still loved them as sisters. They still know the hurt, they’re just in a different phase of life.  So the jury is still out on whether I’ll start up some place new, but for now I’ll keep posting here. If you’re not up for reading anything pregnancy related I’ll suggest you stop reading now. For the immediate future I will be using this place to document my transition from infertility to pregnancy. Weird.

So today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. When I look back to the day we first saw our positive test it seems like so long ago, though each individual week passes like molasses. Symptom wise, the fatigue has finally kicked in full gear. Yes, I was a bit tired before, but not to the extreme so many other women talked about. I was tired by the end of the day but by no means exhausted. As of about four days ago I am officially wiped by about 1pm every day. Boobs are still tender but much more manageable, I am now able to forgo the sports bra at night. I’m using the bell.aban.d with every pair of pants I own, and last week after my second u/s I allowed myself to order some maternity jeans online. I have to get them online for two reasons. 1 I am entirely too paranoid to go into an actual store because A) I’m just not ready for that. B) I’m terrified to be seen by someone I know. C) In the very back of my mind there is the irrational superstition that buying something could mean the worst for our little one. Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane. And 2. I’m 5’10 with a 34 inch inseam. I usually have to buy most of my jeans/pants online anyway, so it’s no biggie. I still doubt that I’m showing but I’m a little doughy and bloaty and it’s really uncomfortable to suck it in or have any kind of pressure on my abdomen. So maternity pants it is, however premature that may be. Food wise, the nausea has let up a bit, though I am prone to a sour stomach. The only aversion I have right now is to anything sweet, which seems moderately blasphemous because I’ve had a pretty big sweet tooth my entire life. Part of me wonders if this is really my kid. (KIDDING). Dairy, I heart dairy. I’ve been plowing through 1 gallon jugs of 2% milk since about 5 weeks. I drink it as a snack on a pretty regular basis, it’s also very good at helping to settle my stomach. I’m looking forward our next u/s which will be next Thursday (the 26th). I’ll do my best to get the pic up from my most recent u/s before the next appointment. 

I guess the last thing is just to thank you all again for your amazing support, and the sincerity behind your congratulations to me. It’s been overwhelming, in such a very good way.

I Love You, Man.

Holy Crow, where do I even begin? You guys. Well, you Just. Fucking. Rock. I can’t tell you how amazing it’s been to read all of your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments. And hearing the personal experiences has been a big, BIG relief. Thank you, thank you for the bottom of my progesterone saturated heart.

I’ve been doing my best not to freak out about the Beta results. I realize that the number was by no means a harbinger of the worst possible case scenario, but for a minute, that’s what it felt like. I think the hardest part about this is the fact that I’ve seen too much. I know what possibly can go wrong, and I’ve seen it happen to way too many really great people – so why should I be any different? Please, please understand how grateful I am to be here. And I’m happy. And excited.  But this part of being pregnant is really scary. And I did not see it coming.

I felt a little better Wednesday because I had read, and reread all of your fabulous comments three or four times. Also I was consistently mildly crampy the entire day. Then yesterday I felt SO bloated and tired – exactly the same way I felt during the worst day of stims, which I am praying meant that my Hcg, E2 and P4 were all blowing up. But today – I feel nothing. No different. I know, I’ve heard symptoms come and go. But well, that just sounds like a cop out. I’m so hopped up on PIO shots, and Progesterone and Estrogen Suppositories; I should at the very least being seeing spots by now… I don’t get it.  This is hard. Not harder than being infertile – but hell, at least I know how to do that…

So here’s where I am treatment wise. I had my Intralipid infusion Wednesday. Even though my follow up NK Assay came back a 0 out of 5 (normal), Dr. 3 prefers to follow up with at least one infusion right after a positive pregnancy test.  All of the nurses who were there for our retrieval and transfer were in the area where they do the Infusion. It was nice to see them all again, but weird because they kept giving me hugs and offering congratulations… Which was cool, but very surreal. Our first ultrasound (gulp) is scheduled for April 30^th, I’ll be 6w6d. Seriously – so weird to say that.

I just want you all to know how insanely grateful I am for all of your support through this – and especially from those of you who’ve delurked.

I'm really just so, so thankful for each and every one of you.

Counting the minutes till Tuesday.

When Will I Learn My Lesson?

It appears as though I've already followed through on my promise of setting a new standard for what would be considered "mentally unstable"... As I've just reread my last few posts and - Oy. 

While I understand there's no need for me to justify my reaction to the likes of you, I feel it necessary to document just how exactly the wheels fell off. 

Expectations. 

Expectations screw me every time. And the worst part is, I spent like a year in therapy examining my own situations to substantiate just how damaging expectations can be. 

And on top of that, as we were getting ready to start injections I lectured Brian about 'how shit goes wrong' with IVF cycles. 

They get delayed. They get cancelled.

Shit goes wrong, and it happens when you least expect it.

(earth-shattering news to all of you, I'm sure)

I know better. I listened intently to your advice. And to the counsel of a few close IF friends, who reminded me gently to take it one day, one shot at a time.  

And yet we hit the first rough patch and I lost every ounce of lucidity and balance. 

When will I learn my lesson?  

Probably never. 

But thankfully I have all of you to keep me in check. 

And thankful is an understatement. You've all been so incredibly supportive especially during this last week. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. Your support has been invaluable.

Oh, hey, while I was seesawing in batshit crazy nation I got a few awards. But I was entirely to daft at the time to respond properly or thank the people who presented the awards.

A big thank you to the following ladies who thoughtfully bestowed these awards upon me. Many thanks, sorry it took me a millenia to get them posted.

Aramelle

Christa

Let There Be Sims

Krista

Sarah S

A Miracle 4 Us

So I'm supposed to thank the person(s) who gave me the award. Check! List seven things about myself, and pass the award on to 15 (aye carumba) other bloggers. Well gawd bless those of you who had the time to do all that. To be honest I haven't come across too many other blogs who haven't already received an award. That's because you're all awesome. But you knew that. 

So. Will you still love me if I just post the wacky fun facts about me? 

Oh well, here they are anyway.

1. I love the smell of Carbon Copy paper.

2. I just bought my first Cast Iron skillet. After I seasoned it properly, bacon was the first thing I cooked in it. It was Fantastic.

3. I won't leave the house without makeup on. Ever.

4.The last concert I attended was jack Johnson at the Berkeley Greek Theatre.

5. I hate the sound of pooring liquid.

6. I'm going to be 32 next month. Gah.

7. I hit 200 posts in December and my 3rd Blogiversary was last week. I was not entirely motivated to post about either of them because acknowledging them is bittersweet.

And a quick update. I saw my Acupuncturist Saturday and she believes that I did indeed ovulate . Apparently the pulse on your left side is stronger after ovulation. So good news there, and now I just wait for AF. AGAIN. 

Benched

I really like my new clinic and Dr.3 for that matter, but if there is one complaint I have that runs true with all doctors I seem to have, it's tardiness. I always try to get the first appointment of the day so that there is less likelihood I will be stuck waiting because they're backed up by workload or because of some asshole that was late before me. And stuff happens, I totally get that. But let me at least keep my pants on until you're ready, mmmkay?

End Rant.

So we know that my appointment ran late, as per my diatribe. And we also now know why my E2 is all ridonkulous. It's a big, giant whore-bag cyst. A GIANT. WHORE-BAG. CYST. On my right side, where I mentioned having a slight pinchy twinge. It's a little over 23mm. He says it was a follicle that turned into a cyst, and it's just full of fluid and it will rupture in it's own sweet-ass time. (I don't really know the origins of cysts in general, but that's what mine is) He says he thinks it could happen relatively soon - hopefully this weekend. So for now, I continue with the 10 units of Lupron per day, curse the whore-bag cyst that lies within my lady parts, and wait for this shit to pass. They did do a blood draw, though Dr.3 thinks my E2 will likely be higher than it was two days ago, and will continue to rise until that bitch pops.

My acu lady will see me again on Saturday. I'm hoping she has a needle long enough to aspirate the little bastard, but that probably isn't the case...

I know this is not the end of the world, or my IVF cycle for that matter, but I'm pretty bummed. I go back in on Tuesday for another E2 check and an u/s. Hopefully then I will get the green light to start stims. Thank you so much for all of your support and information, please send some cyst rupturing juju my way when you get a chance.

I Had Been Waiting For This

The first big bump in the road. Over the last few weeks I have been quietly marveling over the fact that this cycle was going so well so far, other than the breakthrough bleeding and extraordinarily sore breasts (like not able to sleep on my stomach). I hadn’t had any side effects from the Lupron, Brian and I have been getting along better than ever and bonding over each shot he administered. I’ve been meditating regularly, yes I  drank the Circ.le+Blo.om koolaide. And my overall mood was happy,and better yet stable. And while being mindful of the fact that this was still very early in the cycle, and that my dosage was low, so of course the side effects wouldn’t be outrageous, I remembered that any moment now my bubble could burst.

And so it did.

I was pretty bummed yesterday, so after work on my way home I did my best to initialize some Damage Control. I stopped in for groceries, picked myself up some pretty flowers and stayed the hell away from the pies. Brian and I took the dog for a long walk and after that I slowed down for a few minutes to listen to a mediation session. Which helped to bring my blood pressure down to a less than lethal level. Then I poured myself a nice tall glass of apple cider in a Crystal Champagne Flute. Which did a little less for me than I’d hoped – man I could have really used a bottle glass of wine to take the consciousness away edge off.

Today is better. I’m going in for an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. My therapist there (aren’t they though?)  said that if it was indeed a cyst she could help with that, but if it turns out to be from the Lupron then I will have just burned up one of my limited allotted sessions (insurance crap). But really I think it will be beneficial for my head, as well, so I can take some time to tune out.

 I’ve also had plenty of time to read through your comments. You all are amazing, and I’m incredibly thankful for your knowledge, compassion and support. And while I’m grateful for each comment and that so many of you took the time even just to say, “ I don’t know, but that sucks and I’m sorry”, here are a few that helped me breathe or laugh:

“Dr.3 is THE MAN, and can deal with this”  - Meg. (a patient of his.)

You’re so right. I do have plenty of faith in him, and I’m sure this is the last thing he wants to see as well.

“I had set-back after set-back… I never got cancelled and they go 50 eggs yesterday” – Krista.

Thank you, I’ll try to keep in mind that it is early and that a lot more could go wrong, but I shouldn’t let that steal my hope for success.

“Stay the hell off of Google” – Aramelle

You’re right. I know. I’m an emotional cutter.

“the hardest thing to do while in the process is to trust the process” – Baby bump Bound

Word.

Good stuff. So I agree with all of you too, I don't think it's Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I was just panicking and disecting the worst case scenario. I know it seemed like I was over reacting, but I felt like my body was already failing me, and FUCK - is it too much to ask that this ONE THING go smoothly?!?!  I also think that maybe the break-through bleeding could have been an indicator to the fact that I wasn't suppressed enough, but I'll have to get that verified by Dr. 3... I didn't actually post about it but the spotting ened up gettin much worse - like regular flow at one point...Yay TMI!  So.  I'm totally not expecting my number to be below 70 tomorrow, I'm just praying that it doesn't go up and that we get some kind of answer as to what the crap is going on in there. I'll be sure to update when I have news tomorrow. Thanks again!

Ten Units Please!

Lupron shot number one is DOWN! Annnnnd my husband is a total rock star for two reasons: 1) I am still alive and 2) I didn’t feel a thing! I panicked only a little in an excited-giggly-school-girl kind of way, but got over it pretty quickly when I realized he was doing the shot but it didn’t hurt a bit! I am by no means a needle-phob, I’ve just never had anyone who wasn’t professionally trained, jab a needle in my arm. Good times. So as recommended by my in-cycle nurse we are doing the Lupron in the fatty part of the back of my upper arm. (Ironically the place I like to torture the people I love with a surprise pinch when they don’t know I’m behind them.) Because at one point we will be doing three shots per day, she recommended not using all of the “real-estate” on my stomach since it can get sore. Sounds fair to me.

So call me Spotty-Mc–TMI-Spotterson, I’m still spotting but it’s starting to clear up RIGHT IN TIME for me to finish up BCP’s on Thursday and wait for AF to show. Nothing like having your period for two weeks... So the spotting actually got worse starting Friday night, and stayed that way through Sunday. (Like bright red, and requiring more than a liner) I did call in and actually spoke with Dr. 3 since he is on call after hours. My nurse told me to call if it got worse, so I did. I felt a little sheepish bugging him for something that seemed so trivial, but A) I don’t know enough about IVF to gauge if my spotting should even be considered trivial, mostly due to fact that Dr.Google, and all of you seemed to have been treated differently per your respective clinics. And B) I remembered how much we’re paying this chump, he can take a three minute phone call from me don't think he minded that much. Anyhoo, he diplomatically, and promptly explained that it was fine. That they prefer not to ask patients to double up on BCP’s because most people just end up complaining of nausea and go back to taking one per day anyway.

So HOLY CRAP we’re really doing this! I’m feeling really good, and taking a lot of time for myself by thinning out our schedule. It’s been really nice to have the extra alone time with Brian, and not having too much going on socially is a bigger relief than I realized it would be. By the way, thanks so much for all of your thoughtful comments. Even though it’s still early in the cycle you’ve been extremely supportive and super cheerleader-y and I really, truly appreciate it.

GO INJECTABLES!

42nd Time Wasn't the Charm

This month represents our 42nd cycle of trying to get pregnant.

Normally AF's appearance would be greeted with a glass of wine and a good cry, but today it means something else.

It's CD1 of our first IVF cycle.
(and hopefully only)

I'll start BCP's the day after Christmas. My nurse gave me our tentative schedule, and I haven't been this excited about anything in a very, very long time. I want a BFP so fucking badly I can taste the after vomit from morning sickness... (too far? oh well.)

12/26 Start Birth Control Pills

12/29 & 1/12 Humira Injections (for Immunology Issues/ Neutralize Cytokines)

1/16 Start Lupron Injections

1/20 Last BCP

1/25 Estradiol & CBC, Blood Tests

1/27 Start Follistim

2/2 Estradiol, Prolactin, NK & TH1/2, Ultrasound & back up Semen Sample

2/6 - 9 Estimated Retrieval

2/9 - 16 Estimated Transfer (they prefer a day 5 transfer)

Beta at 13 days past transfer

Fall 2011 - We become parents

Presumptuous? Yes. But monkeys? I can't afford to be anything BUT hopeful....

Anyhoo, this might be my last post for 2010 (and good riddance to this year, I'm so OVER it). So I'd like to take this take this opportunity to thank all of you who offered unwavering support through my year of "recovery", then wish everyone a Merry Christmas; if that's your bag, but more than anything I wish you all a very, very Happy 2011.

Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

Gifted

Well my countdown continues to 2011, but until then what better way to pass the time than with bloggy sisters? And COCKTAILS! I met up with a few of my girls this past weekend, Nikki from Our Roller Coaster through Infertility, and Sarang (private blog), AND drum roll please: Lost in Space from No Regrets was in town! It was so cool to have met her, and I'm really grateful she was able to squeeze us in with her other plans. Unfortunately Meg from No Oven for the Bun, who's normally a regular wasn't able to be there but we did our best to pretend like she was.

(Lost in Space, Sarang, "Meg on a Stick", Me, Nikki)

COCKTAILS! and a Monkey Sister toast

After another round of cocktails, we all decided the time was right to throw on a little gift from Nikki, and take pictures with "Meg". How cool is that blogger beanie?!

And though we weren't able to have the real Meg with us that night, I was grateful to have gotten my fix a few weeks before hand. Shortly after introducing me to a fabulous local Chinese restaurant, Meg gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts an infertile could ever dream of: A Follistim Pen.

Used by the skillful hands of a veteran IVFer, she handed me the small blue case that contained to be what I now consider my LUCKY Follistim Pen. This pen helped Meg and T create several little frosties that I know will see the light of day in the not so distant future. It's not only the good juju that comes with this pen, but the generosity and thoughtfulness of her knowing it's one less thing I'll have to purchase when 2011 finally rolls around.

And while I know how fortunate I am to have such amazing women so close by to lean on and have a much needed cocktail with (or three), there are several others I wish I could see on a regular basis too. A few weeks ago I came home from a weekend getaway to a small padded envelope with my name on it...

Inside was a necklace and a card from Murgdan, just to let me know she'd been thinking of me and hoping that time was moving along quickly enough while I wait impatiently for January to come around. Because she remembers how crappy it is to have to wait, and to scrimp and save your way for a shot at becoming a family. That kind of acknowledgement and understanding is invaluable to me. Thank you Murgdan.

The necklace has the word hope, with the written definition on it. It's lovely, and to the point, and I'm wearing it today.

( Sorry the picture is so terrible, I can't find the good one I had taken of it!)

What more can I say? I feel so incredibly lucky to have met all of you, maybe not necessarily in person, but the connection I've made through comments and emails is like nothing I've ever experienced. And I hope you all know how grateful I am for every one of you.

Now go tell one of your bloggy sisters how much they mean to you!

Rightside Up

Dude. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for cheering me on and offering your not-so-unsolicited support. It was pretty fun to feel the excitement in some of your comments. And a little overwhelming because it made me realize that I was excited too.

I am excited. And hopeful. And almost even giddy when I think about how we're going to get to move forward soon. I'm so grateful to be in such a good place right now that it makes me wonder where I'd be had we not been forced to take a break. I've almost forgotten what it was like to cry on a daily basis, or feel slighted by a complete stranger at the grocery store just because they're pregnant. And things are going really, REALLY well with Brian and I, and I've truly cherished every second since I've stopped wanting to punch him in the face (Not entirely his fault, of course). I'm not saying by any means that the feelings about infertility ever went away, I'm just saying that they were much more manageable... Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and preach about taking a break, because really - who in their everlovin' right mind would want to extend their stay in this horrendous land of limbo? I initially planned to forge ahead, not stopping for anyone or anything until I saw that second line, so I know how it sounds when someone tells you that you need to take a break. (Maybe that's where the whole wanting to punch Brian in the face thing started) I'll just say that a break isn't anything you should be afraid of. (btw, I've been relaxed for four whole months and I'm still not pregnant - can you believe that advice doesn't work after all?!?)

So I guess my new found Zen is part of what made me hesitant to announce anything official here about us doing IVF next year. I was afraid that admitting it in my bloggy life might fling me back into the world of emphatically monitoring my cycle days and cervical mucus. And the next thing you know I'm drinking cough syrup with a straw and screaming in the bathroom at work at a used OPK to give me a more definitive line. For realsies.

Okay here's part of the plan. We're going to interview with one more RE. He used to be a part of my old clinic but opened a practice of his own a while back. He deals strictly with IVF, and has built a very reputable on site lab. The other great thing about this clinic is that he offers a shared risk program, and if we qualify we could be eligible to receive 90% of the fee's back if our first fresh IVF cycle, and subsequent FET's don't end up with a viable pregnancy. In which case we would most certainly put that 90% towards another cycle. He will be giving a seminar at a local Hotel the last week of September, and my plan is to schedule an appointment with him for the week after while I'm signing up for the Seminar. Which in reality is only a little over three months away!

So I'm down almost 15 pounds - yehaw! It's exciting because there are a bunch of clothes in my closet that fit now, so I get to wear somewhat new clothes without having spent a dime. Ahhh the fat girl's consolation... A varied wardrobe to accommodate any pant size. So according to my original plan I only have about 11 more pounds to go. HOWEVER, the clinic we're going to go to really stresses the research they've done between the correlation of BFP's and BMI's. So I'm probably going to need to loose another 10 pounds on top of my original goal. Equaling another 21 pounds total that I need to loose... Fortunately time is on my side -for once. So I might just be able to get all the weight off by the seminar. I'm not going to kill myself doing it, it's just a goal.

Anyhoo, thank you again for all of your support and encouragement. I'm truly grateful with all of my heart.

Unplugged

Though my husband would emphatically disagree, I have to say how lovely it is to exist in a place without Cell phones or News reports. To spend your day without knowing what time it is, only identifying it in segments related to meals and shut eye. It must be how my dog feels every day.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any pictures for you. I fully intended to spend a significant amount of time capturing the wilderness I spent almost every summer in during my childhood. But I just never got around to it. Productivity had no part in this trip and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I needed that. To shut down. To unplug. To eat. To laugh. To spend time with people I love. It was so nourishing. It was also however, very, very cold. Sweatshirt weather during the daytime, and beanie and parka weather at night. It most certainly dipped well into the low 30's after sunset which is not exactly something I'm used to. I realize I probably sound like a panzy because some of you live in that type of weather, but how often to you sleep outside during it?

I truly enjoy camping. The smell. The quiet. The time we get to spend with my family, it's wonderful. And something about it makes me feel like a kid again. Unfortunately that something is when I have to trek it to the bathroom in the middle of the freezing cold night. There's just something so unsettling about not being able to see further than the beam of my flashlight that I simply cannot contain while I'm up there. Then once I make it safely back to my tent I spend the next twenty minutes or so trying not to think about how easy it would be for someone or something to murder me while I lay helpless, bundled up in my sleeping bag. Some of you will either know exactly what I mean or think I am a complete nut case. But that will never change the fact that when I'm camping, I am afraid of the dark.

Getting away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has reminded me of more than just how liberating it can be to really shut things off for a few days. It's made me realize how this break from ttc has given me a piece of my life back. And I say "a piece", because I still don't feel whole. But at least it's something. A glimmer of who I was, and what I may be again someday in the future. When the noises of infertility don't invade my thoughts and dreams. When I live my day in small segments of time, instead of two week periods that seem to drag on until I realize that actually months, and years have passed.

I admit that in gaining a part of myself back, I've lost the part of me that yearns to spend so much time here. While I miss so many of you that I've come to know so well over the years, it's also a little painful. To see you move on, to see you fail, to see you waiting, like me, for when you've healed enough, saved enough to move on to the next step - whatever that may be. Being slightly removed from all the ups and downs makes me realize how difficult that world is, how consuming and demanding treatments can be. And I'm awe of the strength you each possess. And I'm reminded of the support you've all given me, and how I hope that I've been there for you as much as you've been there for me. I don't mean that to sound like I'm going anywhere, I just feel the need to clarify my absesnce from your comments and lack of posting here. It's an unfortunate struggle between wanting to know every little update in the lives I feel so invested in, and needing a little space from such an all encompassing saga. I hope that makes sense.

Thankful Thursday

On a regular basis I try to stop what I'm doing and think about how lucky am, and how great my life is aside from IF. Ceejay did a post recently that reminded me it's been a while since I said those things out loud. So here it goes:

• Being on a break: As batshit crazy as that sounds, I am so incredibly thankful that we had no money therefore were forced to take this break. Okay, I'm not thankful that we don't have any money for A.R.T., but I really think this break was much needed, and so difficult to see through my BFN haze. It's really been a good thing for me, and my marriage. There is a certain freedom that comes with not knowing what cycle day you're on. Almost like being a normal person. Well "normal" is relative, but you know what I mean.


• My Husband: My husband who works so incredibly hard to keep the dollah billz flowing in even through this horrible recession. Being a small business owner is no piece of cake these days, yet somehow he's still managing to keep his shit together. Even outside of his business, he's been working incredibly hard to make things better in our marriage. The last eight months have been really challenging for us maritally speaking. Not all the time or everyday. And not to the point where either of us started making other plans. On the worst days though it seemed like not wanting a divorce, was the only thing we had in common. While we're not quite finished, I'm overjoyed to tell you that after a fair amount of couples therapy and a lot of hard work, we're doing much better. I don't mean that to sound like he was the only one who had work to do. This blog should be all the evidence you need to prove I've got my own brand of crazy. Marriage is work. And sometimes, it's a lot of work. And not something you as a couple can handle alone. Which leads me to my next bullet point.


• Therapy: Alone, together, WHATEVER. I think everyone should have a therapist. We're all a little crazy and if you think you're not, well let me tell you something: The really crazy people- don't know they're crazy. And even if you might not need it now, you should consider it someday. My final word: All ttc and no therapy makes Melissa want to climb up on to a rooftop with a semi-automatic weapon.


• Humor: If we weren't laughing, we'd be crying right? Truer words were never spoken my friends. By the way, the last two sentences in my previous bullet point WERE A JOKE, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, but come on people, you know you've been there too. I digress. What I was going to say is that I've lost count of the amount of times I've come a cross a blog post put up by some of you out there that has completely disarmed me, and left me with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. And I'm so, so grateful to know it's out there.


• The Internet: I don't even want to think about where I'd be, had I not found this community. Endless resources, and endless support. I love the Internet.
  
• Wei.ght Wat.chers: I'm down another 0.8 lbs. Not what I hoped for, and I'm trying not to beat myself up for such a lame-o drop, but I guess it's better than gaining.


• Friends, fertile or not: Through this hardship I have learned a lot about my friends, and especially what kind of friend I want to be from now on. I've met some amazing people in the IF community. Ones that I hope to know and keep in contact with for the rest of my life. And my IRL friends, fertile as most may be. There are a select few of them that have been absolutely incredible. The awesome ones know of and have access to this blog. The rest of them can suck it. Just kidding. The rest of them just don't get it, and I won't hold that against them because I wonder what kind of friend I would have been had the situation been reversed. I like to think I would have not been a complete asshole, but you never know. Oh, and I'm not completely out of the IF closet, so some of them just don't know about our problem. Though we've been married for almost seven years, so I'm sure they're wondering. P.S. one of my very good IRL friends is going to do a guest post very soon, so stay tuned!
  

Okay, that's not EVERYTHING I'm thankful for, but those are the first few things that floated in to my teeny tiny brain....

What are you thankful for?

This one time, in Georgia...

I'm going to go ahead and spoil the end of my post for you right now.

My trip was fucking awesome ya'll.

Better than I had any right to expect. Finally meeting four women in person that I have admired and have been given an immeasurable amont of support from was truly amazing. But I find myself regretful for the short amount of time I had with them. To say my trip was a whirlwind would be a gross understatement, but it was absolutely wonderful. And yes of course, I over packed for it.

Last Friday began with me rolling out of bed at 3:30am. I say "rolling out of bed", because using any other phrase would imply that I actually slept that night. I threw myself together and my wonderful husband got me to the airport by 4:30am for my 6:00am flight. Though the travel time was only about four and a half hours I could hardly sit still. Could that have been from the coffee I drank at home and mocha I guzzled at the airport lounge? Possibly, but I like to think it was out of shear anticpation of finally meeting my friends. By the way, that coffee did me no favors. Just ask the two people sitting next to me about the three separate times I had to ask them to get up out of their seats so I could scoot across the row only to wait in line again for the cramped Lavatory. (I had the window seat. DOH!)

After a fair amount of turbulence during our decent into ATL, we landed safely, and once we were given the go ahead I quickly turned on my phone and a flurry of text messages ensued. "Just landed!! WOOO HOOO". Carli and Melissa greeted me near baggage holding a cute little sign with my name on it. Gawd was I glad to see them... Jamie's flight was delayed a bit, but the time flew by as our cheery conversations rambled on. And once her flight landed we were on our way to dinner and then finally on to the house.

Carli was an exemplary hostess, she made us all feel like we really were at home. Her smile and laughter is merely an extension of her colossal heart. Carli thank you again for taking us all in. You have such a beautiful home, and it's obvious how much love and hard work you and Derek have put into it.

Another great thing about their house? THEY HAVE DOGS!!!!

How could you not LOVE these faces?! I came THISCLOSE to packing them up in my carry on.

I give you Dakota and Murphy, respectively.

Saturday morning began with fresh brewed coffee and a loaf of Cinnamon Streusel bread. Then we were off to site see at the Georgia Aquarium. Which is not just any Aquarium, but the worlds largest I'll have you know. On our way, we spotted this office:

A joke only an infertile would get.

Evidently "Cervical" is another word for your back or spine.

At 550,000 square feet (including the tanks) the aquarium did not disappoint.

This is a Wolf Eel. Fierce, huh?

And what's a tourist trap without a tacky souvenir?

We concluded our Down Town Atlanta viewing with a group photo in Centennial Olympic Park.

(Me, Jamie, Melissa, Carli)

Followed by some more adult like behavoir...

Then we went back to the house and drank.

Okay, it was actually more like this:

After a long day of walking and laughing and talking we headed to the house to make homemade pizza's. (Which by the way, came out PHENOMENAL.) That evening was probably my most favorite part of the trip. This was were we sat around and talked and learned more about each other than just the common affliction that initially brought us all together. Jamie (pictured above) is funny and clever and incredibly sincere. Melissa is kind and thoughtful and the perfect amount of silly. I really could go on and on about the intricate details that make me feel like I've known these women my entire life, but I sort of want to keep that between us. In short, they are more remarkable than I could ever describe and I feel so grateful to call them my friends.

A couple bottles of wine, a box of chocolates, a chick flick and an array of nutty Yo.utube Video's later we all settled in for bed. And before I knew it, it was Sunday morning and time for me to pack up. My ride to the airport would be arriving shortly after 10am. But this ride wasn't just some old airport shuttle, it was a friendly face. Yet another I had only ever seen online. While I have loyaly read her countless brilliant posts, and shared a few emails; meeting her in person was quite an honor. Murgdan arrived at the house promptly at 10:30. After I said my goodbye's and hugged my friends, we headed south to grab a little brunch before I had to be at the airport, and she to a shower. As we headed down Highway 85, we breezily chatted about all the fascinating infertile topics you might suspect while I lost count of the number of Waffle House signs I saw hovering above nearly every exit. And yes, she is just as funny and smart in person as you'd imagine.

Murgdan on the left, me on the right.

(this was not at a Waffle House, btw)

I know this post was extremely long and if you made this far, I owe you one. I really could write a thousand more words about this trip, and it still would not do these ladies justice. Which is the main reason it has taken me almost A WEEK to post it - I swear I've rewritten it a gajillion times. (And this is what she came up with?!) I also struggled with what the title of this post should be, my other option was "The Blogger Went Down to Georgia", but I decided on this one, which I have to give Carli credit for. She said it in one of our many emails regarding this trip.

I want to take a moment to thank all of you for your support over the last few months and even years. I wish I could spend at least a weekend with each one of you. I continue to be awestruck by the countless number of outstanding women I've met here.

And now it's time for me to apologize for my lack of commenting... Things have been REALLY crazy lately so my commenting has been uber lousy - and I'm sorry for that. I've been checking up on most of you, but not had the time to leave a note. Please know I plan to get back on track VERY soon!!!

A Reevaluation

It's amazing what a single conversation can do. How is it that being presented with a simple question, can suddenly change your outlook or assessment of something you felt so strongly about before? This morning I was lucky enough to meet up with the lovely and ever genuine Hillary, at Making Me Mom. She was in town for the holiday weekend and was gracious enough to squeeze in a coffee with me. (Umm by the way, Starbucks is no longer serving the Carmel Brulee Latte. - I know! I almost cried.)

There is such a unique feeling when you meet another IF blogger. Here is this person whom you've never met, but share a life altering circumstance with. So particular is this condition, that it seems only the people afflicted by it can understand where you're coming from. Cultures, religion, or diagnosis have no bearing on this bond you've discovered. The conversations are easy, (once you get passed the meeting-a-complete-stranger jitters. Maybe that's just me though) and there is little space between each thought or sentence.

Shortly into our meeting, Hillary asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about 2009, 2010 and the year ahead. (Since she's out of town she hadn't been able to catch my recent disparaging, and profanity laden post about last year. That's probably a not a bad thing though.) It's sounds like a relatively simple question, but the answer honestly stumped me. I'd been spending so much time resenting 2009, that I forgotten to look ahead at what might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pissed about 2009, but having to discuss it in a civilized conversation made me realize that not all of last year sucked. My husband started his own business, which is something we'd been working towards for a very long time. It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to one. I was in the room when my best friend's baby was born, that was pretty incredible. We've seen a few really good concerts (which is very important to me)... Other than that whole not getting pregnant part- life was just life, and truly - not all that terrible. It wasn't as if I had wasted any time; things just didn't work out like we'd hoped they would. Do I wish we had been a leeeettle more aggressive with treatments? Hell to the Y-E-S. But I don't think we did anything really wrong with them...

And as for 2010, well right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Maybe it's because I haven't looked much passed my Yahoo horoscope. Or maybe because it's only January 2nd, and there hasn't been anything to screw it up. But I'm going to break precedence and therefore my first order of business will not be to obsessively plan out the next six months in terms of cycles and finances (Brian is probably jumping up and down right now), but to enjoy the things I used to do before trying to make a baby took over. Cooking, listening to music, and just being my husbands wife. I need to find me again. And I feel lucky that I have the good sense to do so. You see, receiving that gift from our friends has taken a large part of the uncertainty out of how we will approach our next round of treatments. Now we can move forward when we're ready, not when we finally have some money. It's such a HUGE relief to know we won't be held back because of our finances. That check is so much more than a few extra zero's in a bank account. It took the pressure off of when our next round will begin. And I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to say that.

So thank you Hillary, for helping me see what's really important. Here's to 2010, May it not suck like last year. May a little hope go a long way, and help to bring each of us our hearts desire.

Over and Out

I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.

Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.

I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.