Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

Been There, Hoped That

Even though ninety-nine percent of me is brimming with excitement over our upcoming cycle and testing, there is still an echo of the fact that we've been here before. And more than that, I can't help but think of how many of you out there are still struggling after having switched clinics in hopes that the next ART cycle would be your last (meaning you got, and stayed pregnant) but then, to no avail...

But I can't keep thinking like that. Every situation is different. And it'll be in my best interest to stick with the positive thoughts instead of the "fuck,what if..." thoughts. No need to unearth the crazy just yet.

So the phone consult went great. Really, really great. He instantly acknowledged that we'd "been at it for a while". Yes, indeed we have. He said based on my previous test results, he was rather surprised that none of our IUI's worked. And if you're keeping count, he is the THIRD RE to make the same comment. He said after, six dIUI's, there would have been at least a 50% chance that I should have had some sort of positive. So he'd like to run a full immunological blood panel, as well as a refresher on the standard tests. And he was happy with the results of my first HSG so I won't need to do another one - yippiekiyay motherfucker, that shit hurt. He did say that he was slightly concerned that I may have an ovarian issue of the Poly Cystic variety - EVEN IF I'm ovulating regularly. (Boo.)

As for Brian, the doctor was very pleased to hear that he'd been on supplements since June. He'd like to get a current SA done, and would also like to bank 2-3 vials of his sperm for our IVF cycle. He said Brian will of course need to provide a fresh sample the day of my retrieval, but this will give us a fall back in case there are any issues with his sample on the big day. I feel really good about that.

After he finished his side of the questions he opened the floor up to us. My first concern unfortunately, was about money. I told him that we had met with an OBGYN earlier in the year who mentioned working with him. When we met with this guy in January I thought he was a total yahoo (still do), and referred to him here as Dr. Do Little. His only saving grace was his affiliation with our Doctor and that he offered to run a blood panel for me under "Infectious Diseases" as opposed to "Infertility" so that it would get covered by our insurance... This is the same exact panel that our new RE would like to order. Since I knew that might be the case I called last week to see if they would still be open to the insurance deception, and much to my delight they agreed.

I'm pretty grateful that my cycle just happened to coincide with the seminar and phone consult, so tomorrow I will go in for a CD3 blood panel, (FSH, Estrodial, etc.), then have three separate vials drawn for the immunological tests which will be shipped off to Chicago. And last but not least our RE would like to see me for a CD3 Antra follicle count (ultrasound). Not really looking forward to that one, but it will be nice to meet him formally. Can you even call it "formal" if I don't have pants on?

Anyway, one more good thing. He said we qualify for both the Shared Risk Program- where we'd get 90% of our money put back on our credit card refunded if a fresh IVF cycle and subsequent FET's did not result in a pregnancy exceeding twelve weeks; and the Two Cycle Program - in which would would be given a substantial discount upon paying for two cycles upfront. The jury's still out on this one, vacillating blog post to come.

In summation my friends, I'm pretty fricken excited. Moderately terrified underneath it all, but so, SO ready to move forward.