Three Months

Dearest Leah,

This letter is the last one I'll have written while I'm at home full time with you. I go back to work next week and my stomach turns into a giant knot when I even think about what my first day away from you is going to be like. But I know you'll be fine with your Grandma. Sorry to make that all about me. Where was I? Right. You're awesome and every day is better than the last. 

Except when it comes to sleeping - you sort of suck at that. You break out of your swaddle on an almost hourly basis, but if I don't wrap you up like a little screaming burrito, you flail your arms in your sleep and wake yourself up. You even manage to break out of the so called magic sleepers that are like little fleece baby straight jackets. But at least your break out skills are not a reflection of my swaddling skills, cause dayum I can wrap that shit up TIGHT. Anyway, I recently purchased a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution, and I'm hoping that it will reduce your night time wakings from three to four times a night down to fucking zero. And as soon as I get time to read that book, I'm going to implement the shit out of the author's suggestions - cause Momma's starting to forget more than her name and what day it is.  

You fart when you sneeze and holy crow does it make me cackle like a five year old every. single. time.  I know that sounds dumb, but gurrrrl can you toot loud. Gosh, you are just like your Daddy! Speaking of laughing, you giggled for the first time on March 10th. You looked right in my eyes as I smiled at you and you let out the slightest little laugh. It was amazing, and yes, I cried.

The Weeds. You grow like them. I can't believe how many of your pajama's with feets that I have had to retire already. There are a few of them that you only got to wear once or twice. I am really looking forward to your doctors appointment next month so I can see quantitatively how much you have grown, weight and length wise. (we don't have a *working* scale at the house).

The older you get the more I think about everything I want to give you. And I'm not talking about your first pair of Converse High Tops, or necklace from Tiffany. I want you to give you support and confidence. I want you to know how smart, and wonderful you are. And just how very, ridiculously much you are loved. I want to chaperon your field trips and embarrass you at Back-to School night. And I want to talk about anything and everything with you, so you never feel like you're alone, or stupid, or not good enough. (Unfortunately, I think puberty will sneak that crap in anyway) But I want to be your shoulder to cry on, your ride to the movies, and the person who teaches you how to make Baked Zitti and Apple Pies from scratch. I want to be there for you in every possible way a Mother should, for the rest of my life. Because you deserve that. 

Which makes me all the more excited to see what the next month will bring...

Love,

Momma

Ready Or Not

A little less than a month from now, I will be going back to work. 


And holy crap, I really don't want to.

Unfortunately, since it cost us so much to get pregnant and become parents. We have a fair amount of debt that needs to be paid off. On top of that my husband is a small business owner and we're not in the position to afford to pay for Health Insurance in addition to paying off that debt. So I'm really lucky that the company I work for provides kick ass health benefits. For all three of us. And that I have a job to go back to, period.


Being at home and taking care of our tiny, yet comfortable home makes me so incredibly happy. And being here every day with Leah brings me to a level of spiritual fulfillment that I can't even begin to describe. It feels like this is what I was meant to do. 


So each day that passes makes me dread going back to work more and more. BUT, fortunately that my company will let me start back part time. Three days a week. And I'll be bring Leah in with me on one of those days, every week. The other two days she will be with my mother-in-law. 


I'm grateful to my MIL for being generous enough with her time to offer to take care of our little girl two days a week. Though I know secretly she wishes it was five. Which makes my hackles go up a little bit. Overall I think I'm doing a little better with my territorial feelings, but they are most certainly not gone. I still kind of want to yank Leah away from her each time she holds her and talks baby talk to her. Yet I refrain. And every time she sees Leah, she calls her her little "Snookum Pie", which makes me throw up in my mouth a little. But then I think of the days that she's come to our house to visit with Leah, and I'm in awe to see a grandmother who loves her grandchild so very much that she will skip meals and bathroom breaks in order to avoid setting down the baby who has been sleeping on her shoulder for the last two hours. And I think, how lucky are we? How lucky is Leah, that she'll have a grandmother who will love her as much as mine loves me. (The same grandmother whom I made Leah's middle name sake) And then I feel like a complete asshole for not wanting to share. 


But I will continue to work on it. It might even be a good reason to get back into therapy for a session or two. Because I really can't put my finger on where this stems from. But it's not good, even if it is "normal". 


My other concern is how well I will manage my home life on top of working. I never felt like I could do either 100% well before. So how do I take care of my husband, daughter, home and work???


Any advice from you ladies on how to make it all work?