Defying Science

Ninety-nine percent of women using Lupron for more than 38 days would have seen a cyst/follicle collapse, and experienced bleeding shortly thereafter.

But not me.

According to Dr.3, my body is "defying science"…

Yesterday was CD30, so with no spotting to speak of I promptly picked up my phone and left a message for one of the nurses at my clinic. She called me back and with sincere sympathy asked if I’d be free for an u/s and blood draw first thing this morning.

I woke up early after being startled by a dream where at my ultrasound they found two more cysts and my lining was at 30mm (can you imagine? That would be the period to end all periods) Oh and the clinic was set up downtown and my room had a big giant picture window on the corner of a busy street. Making my hoohaa part of their window display. Dr.3 kept telling me not to worry about thaaat...

I didn’t go to this u/s expecting great news. I went in praying to receive a glimmer of hope and at the very least some information as to what the crap is going on.

The cyst is still there. And it’s bigger. BUT it’s bigger laterally – as in not round. It’s an oblong shape which implies that it’s in the process of collapsing. And my lining is down from 8mm, to 5mm. Which is good. The Lupron and my body are doing what they are supposed to, just at a profoundly slow rate. Dr. 3 thinks I could see my period within the next week, but to be safe they scheduled me for an u/s and blood draw for a week from today in case I don’t get my period by then.

I have mixed feelings about this information mostly because it appears as though my body is doing everything it's supposed to but at a snails fucking pace.  And then there are the mysterious goings on that have led to nothing: A)Three weeks ago I felt Ovulation pains. It's a very distinct type of pressure, that is to me, unmistakable. But obviously this thing is still around - so what the hell was that then??? 2) The Rage - what the crap was that all about? I literally felt crazy and I have the blog post to prove it. C) The other pms symptoms I usually get have come and gone... Oilier than normal hair and skin, sore/swollen breasts, bloating. Now nothing. I feel great. And what's worse is according to Dr.3 I should be having significant hot flashes as an indication that my estrogen is going down.  But, nope. I'm right as the mail. 

I feel angry and cheated by my body and circumstances. I wanted a January cycle, and with the long lupron protocol scheduling, I ended up in February. Now with this stupid delay I'm looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I STARTED THIS DAMN CYCLE IN DECEMBER- there must be a metal or badge or free fucking toaster for having the longest IVF cycle ever recorded. In the whole wide world. EVER.

But on a better note, I just got the call and my E2 is down to 125. From 346, and 414, and 391. So thank fucking Karl Lagerfeld for that. Except if my levels keep moving down at the same rate I'm looking at another nine days before I'm below 70 to get the go-ahead for stims. So I'll hang on to my white flag, and continue with obsessively check the toilet paper for some sign of menses. ANY SIGN.

Thanks for putting up with my ridiculousness. And mood swings. At least most of you can be thankful you don't know me in real life. Save Brian... Poor monkey.

Melissa G. - OUT.

Of Voracity and Rage

My period is still MIA.

Today is CD23, precisely 15 days after I'm sure that thing ruptured. And I'm feeling, how shall I say it... A little punchy-stabby.

But if I'm being honest, I'd gauge it more along the lines of homicidal. It feels almost out of body. Like I can picture my rage in a box, and then I can see myself throwing my body over the top of it to protect those around me, lest it detonate and wipe out the greater Bay Area.

I'm hoping this is my body's way of saying "You're period will be here any second so you can get on with the debt-riddling-baby-making gig you've been planning on for the last 14 months, already..." Because I certainly don't think this has anything to do with Lupron. I've been on it for exactly 30 days now, without the slightest symptom (I'm lucky, I know). So this wrath is puzzling to me, because while I'm certainly capable of a little circumstantial rage, the volatility of my fury is very uncommon and just the slightest bit alarming.  

I'm also binging on sugar and grease like a suicidal junkie. I gave up all sources of caffeine including chocolate weeks ago, but the snarling voice in my head forced me to inhale half a bag of Valenti.nes Day Dov.e Chocolates that I got from the 50% off bin at the drug store. I am literally shaking from the excessive sugar and caffeine intake, but oddly enough I feel a little less like impaling the UPS guy with my letter opener, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.

I still don't understand what the hell is going on with my body. And there is literally nothing I can do until my period shows. Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments, now please send some menstrual thoughts my way because if things continue like this I fear for the safety of the people around me.

GOD SPEED AF, GOD SPEED.

When Will I Learn My Lesson?

It appears as though I've already followed through on my promise of setting a new standard for what would be considered "mentally unstable"... As I've just reread my last few posts and - Oy. 

While I understand there's no need for me to justify my reaction to the likes of you, I feel it necessary to document just how exactly the wheels fell off. 

Expectations. 

Expectations screw me every time. And the worst part is, I spent like a year in therapy examining my own situations to substantiate just how damaging expectations can be. 

And on top of that, as we were getting ready to start injections I lectured Brian about 'how shit goes wrong' with IVF cycles. 

They get delayed. They get cancelled.

Shit goes wrong, and it happens when you least expect it.

(earth-shattering news to all of you, I'm sure)

I know better. I listened intently to your advice. And to the counsel of a few close IF friends, who reminded me gently to take it one day, one shot at a time.  

And yet we hit the first rough patch and I lost every ounce of lucidity and balance. 

When will I learn my lesson?  

Probably never. 

But thankfully I have all of you to keep me in check. 

And thankful is an understatement. You've all been so incredibly supportive especially during this last week. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. Your support has been invaluable.

Oh, hey, while I was seesawing in batshit crazy nation I got a few awards. But I was entirely to daft at the time to respond properly or thank the people who presented the awards.

A big thank you to the following ladies who thoughtfully bestowed these awards upon me. Many thanks, sorry it took me a millenia to get them posted.

Aramelle

Christa

Let There Be Sims

Krista

Sarah S

A Miracle 4 Us

So I'm supposed to thank the person(s) who gave me the award. Check! List seven things about myself, and pass the award on to 15 (aye carumba) other bloggers. Well gawd bless those of you who had the time to do all that. To be honest I haven't come across too many other blogs who haven't already received an award. That's because you're all awesome. But you knew that. 

So. Will you still love me if I just post the wacky fun facts about me? 

Oh well, here they are anyway.

1. I love the smell of Carbon Copy paper.

2. I just bought my first Cast Iron skillet. After I seasoned it properly, bacon was the first thing I cooked in it. It was Fantastic.

3. I won't leave the house without makeup on. Ever.

4.The last concert I attended was jack Johnson at the Berkeley Greek Theatre.

5. I hate the sound of pooring liquid.

6. I'm going to be 32 next month. Gah.

7. I hit 200 posts in December and my 3rd Blogiversary was last week. I was not entirely motivated to post about either of them because acknowledging them is bittersweet.

And a quick update. I saw my Acupuncturist Saturday and she believes that I did indeed ovulate . Apparently the pulse on your left side is stronger after ovulation. So good news there, and now I just wait for AF. AGAIN. 

Waiting It Out

I’m pretty sure I must have been a complete asshole in my past life. I’ve come to that conclusion because there is no other possible explanation as to why this cycle is going the way it is.

It’s taken me three days to write this post because I’m having a hard time breaking down the information enough so that my tiny brain can even process the basic facts, but here's what I've got.

On 1/25: My E2 was 346 (no u/s) which was CD2 for reference

On 1/27: Went back for an u/s which showed a cyst/follicle at 23mm, E2 was 414, Progesterone 2.0

Dr. 3’s Notes: Surprised that you were able to have a period while your E2 was so high.

Melissa’s notes: Fucking figures.

On 2/1: Morning u/s #2 shows an increase in size of cyst/follicle at 24.5 mm

Dr. 3’s Notes: We have to wait this out. Stay on 10 Units of Lupron. Call me when you get your period. Good luck with that.

Melissa’s Notes: Dr. 3 = Cyborg. All hope of having bio children fades. Break down -Open bottle of wine. Shortly after glass of Sauvignon Blanc I get pains similar to Ovulation. Of course.

On 2/2: Find out 2/1’s blood test results: E2 was 391, Progesterone 1.4 DOWN FROM 1/27. Email Dr.3 because the multitude of questions over what the crap is going on with this cycle is keeping me up at night.

The gist of that email went a little something like this:

Me: Am I being stimulated instead of suppressed by the Lupron? Could my lower E2 suggest that the follicle was getting ready to rupture? Is staying on the same dosage of Lupron possibly delaying the ultimate goal of getting this thing to mature and collapse? Will the Lupron shorten my luteal phase? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???? SOMEBODY HOLD ME.

Dr. 3: You had one rogue follicle that was not suppressed by the Lupron. It will either mature and rupture on its own or the Lupron will suppress it and it will shrink. There is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing I can do about it. We have to let the meds and the follicle take its course. CALL  ME WHEN YOU GET YOUR PERIOD.

So that's it. I'm done. I'm exhausted and so is my Zen. I'm trying not to give myself a hard time for losing my shit over all of this, but I wish I could have processed everything with a little more grace. But graceful, I am not. And that's what makes me, me. So I'll call Dr. 3 when I get my period, and I'll do my best to catch my breath from here.  And I promise if more shit goes wrong with this cycle, I will set new standards for what it is to be considered "mentally unstable".

Namaste.

Still A No-Go.

The whore-bag cyst is not only still entirely present, but has grown another 1.5 mm. Putting her at a vast 24.5mm total. And my lining is growing like it would in a normal cycle. Fuck.

I am so incredibly disappointed.

Dr.3 wants to wait it out, so I’ll be staying on the ten units of Lupron. Which by the way, makes no fucking sense to me at all. Why would we do anything to prohibit or suppress this thing from maturing/rupturing??? And if the Lupron isn't suprressing me enough, than staying on it is really just slowing the down the inevitable right??? I wish I could say I thought to ask him all this, but I was concentrating on not bursting into tears and looking like a complete douche. 

Yeah, he’s the RE and I’m not, and I do trust him entirely – but dammat I really wanted to be given a plan of attack if it got to this point. It’s been five days since my last u/s and I’ve had follicles get at least as big as 27mm, so at the rate I’m going it could be another ten days before this thing ruptures. And on top of that he wants me to have another period before we move forward. He checked my lining during the u/s and it’s thickening up like it normally would because of the high levels of estrogen and progesterone.  He did explain that we’re not looking at another 30 day wait for my period, it’s more likely to be 6-10 days before I bleed again (if that thing collapses soon). But that is very little consolation considering that today should have been my first monitoring appointment, and my retrieval could have been this weekend.

I can’t even explain the level of disappointment I’m feeling right now.

This fucking blows.