We're Having A...Foot. And a Car Accident!

Yesterday was our Level II ultrasound. It was...expeditious. We arrived for our afternoon appointment just before 3 o'clock, which apparently was also the last one of the day. They called us back quickly and we were placed in a small room, with a small Russian technician, with a big accent. She asked me to lay down on my back on the table and the moment I sat on it I knew I was in trouble. It had the cushy looking vinyl wrap on in, but there was NO padding. It pretty much felt like laying on a slab of granite. History here would tell you that I have a bad back, which had actually been fine, until I got pregnant and then sciatica kicked in. I'm not that big, I really didn't anticipate issues this early, but it is what it is right? So I asked our little babushka for an extra pillow to support my back, and she kindly did so. She squirted the jelly on my stomach and studiously got to work without saying a word to either of us. Brian was able to see the screen but I saw very little. At this point Brian thankfully pointed out that we didn't want to know the sex and would prefer that it didn't go in our chart. Her reply was:"Ahhh biiig seekeret". She continued taking measurements, and only offered up the fact that things were measuring well. I tilted my head to one side almost to the point where I was reading the screen upside-down and began guessing what we were looking at.


"Is that the head?"


"Yhhis."


"Is that the heart?"


"Yhhis. "


I heard the printer go off at various points and assumed we were going to have a new whole book of photo's to oogle over when we left. But when she wrapped things up a whole twenty-five minutes later I noticed that Brian only had two small slips in his hand. Oh well, I'm sure they're great, I thought to myself. Then when she left the room he showed me two pictures of a foot, a shot of a femur, and the other picture is undecipherable. That's all we got. I had Brian help me up, but the pain from being on the steel bench for so long left me almost in tears. At that point another technician came into the room, and asked me to lay back down for a few more shots, then a doctor came in. They went over all of the measurements with each other, barely telling us anything. My placenta is a little on the low side but it's not covering my cervix, and they didn't seem too concerned. All the other measurements look great. When we were cleared to leave, the lights in the rest of the office were dimmed and the receptionist was gone. We walked out of there staring at the picture of our child's foot, bewildered by how disheartening the appointment was. We were expecting someone who would give us a chance to ooh and ahh over our growing child that we worked so hard for, but instead all we have to show for my back pain is a picture of their foot.


From the day I had booked this appointment we had planned to take the rest of the afternoon off and head down to a giant baby store about 40 minutes south to do some recon on baby gear. Then we'd grab a little dinner. We started to joke on the way down there about how we'd apparently only have to register for shoes, since we're only having a foot. And that's when the stop-and-go traffic started. We only got maybe five miles down the freeway when we heard some ones breaks lock up and then BAM they hit our car. The impact itself wasn't terrible, but the sound and the feeling of the belt locking up on my belly scared the crap out me. The damage to our car looks minimal, though his was considerably worse. I actually doubt his car was even drivable afterwards but we didn't stick around to find out.


While Brian was getting all of his info, I was on the phone to my OB's office. Yes, the one I had just unofficially fired. Interestingly enough there is a little something I should tell you about him. He called me. To apologize. Well technically he called to see if I was even offended first. He said his nurse told him he was a little subversive, and that I seemed a bit offended. I told him I was glad that he called, because he did come off a little harsh. He apologized and said that no matter what his job is to help me bring this baby into the world safely, and that he would be happy to do it with the method I had in mind. I have to say I was pretty impressed. Even though it sounded like he was being poked in the back by his wife in order to get the apology out, it took some balls on his behalf to call me and follow up. But the points he earned were too little, and too late. I'm still going to look for someone else. However, I needed them at the moment. When I called they told me to go straight to the ER. When we got to the ER, they said because I was over 20 weeks, they wanted me to go straight to Labor & Delivery. Gulp. They checked me in and and put us in a room. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a machine to measure contractions. Double Gulp. But as it turned out everything was fine. They asked me to take today off, which I did, gladly. And to get an appointment for another u/s with my OB. All of the u/s techs on L&D had gone for the day.


I called first thing this morning and got an appointment with my favorite nurse practitioner. She's very warm and friendly, just what I needed to put my mind at ease. When she sat down I told her about our horrible Level II and she agreed that the appointment sounded unacceptable, especially since we only ended up with a picture of a foot. She gladly set up the u/s machine and snapped a few pics for us, though there machines are no where near as high tech as the other one so the pictures aren't great. She wrapped up and asked me to stay put. When she came back she just wanted to let me know that I should expect a DVD copy of our u/s in the mail within the next week. She said they wouldn't be able to get the pictures back, but at the very least we could have a movie. Man, I'm going to miss her...


So. Other than that, things are good. I'm good, baby's good. Brian was wonderfully supportive and sweet. I know it was scary dear, but you were great. New pics in the photo gallery!

The Sum of All Parts

Alright, I’m starting to feel a little bratty about my last post. Especially because not more than two posts ago I was bitching and begging for boring...  


I want to thank those of who validated my difficulty in transitioning, it’s really nice to hear that I’m not alone there and please know really and truly am grateful to have had an extraordinarily boring appointment. I look forward to many more of them. Really. I think the reasons for my reaction yesterday are twofold. One – I really was used to the super intense, and very goal oriented appointments that were part of seeing an RE. Two – I like the fundamentals of how this Doctor runs his practice, but I just don’t mesh with his personality. Or maybe I’m being too uptight. Expecting too much. Maybe being with someone who is so low-key is the best thing for me. Knock me out of my tightly closed shell. Or maybe I’ll start shopping for a new OB. Stay Tuned. 


So yeah, this last appointment was fairly uneventful. At the end of the appointment the nurse gave me a flyer with the name of a specialist that they wanted me to see for my 20 week scan. Twenty-flippin’-weeks. I am almost halfway through this pregnancy and still in denial. Sometimes when I say it to myself, it feels as new and as foreign as the day I saw a positive test. It’s just bananas. Anyhoo, lots of people have been asking about this scan and when we’ll find out what we’re having, and for a surprisingly large amount of people their heads are blown clean off when we tell them: December. We’ll find out in December, when I give birth. 


I’ve never really given much thought to gender prediction when it came to pregnant women. If you think about it, it’s as arbitrary as trying to guess hair or eye color. There’s only a limited number of things it could be, so why speculate based on how someone is carrying, what they’re cravings are, or whether or not their asses got fat. My best friend has three boys and each of her pregnancies were entirely unique. I know, I’m no fun right? True story, my friends. I’m kind of a curmudgeon when it comes to stuff like that. I guess I can see the harmless fun it throwing out guesses, and I’ll admit I’ve participated in more than one baby pool. But hell, I play the in the office Superbowl pools, even though I despise football. I just have a soft spot for illegal sources of gambling. 

When people hear that we’re not going to find out what sex of the baby is, some think it’s great, but some act like we’ve deliberately chosen to disappoint them. Like it’s a plot against them or something. That usually segues into their next question of whether or not we have a preference. I usually respond with a smile and laugh about not really caring. Brian is diplomatic as always and says he sees the joy in both genders. But when prodded I usually end up cutting them off with a sentence like “ It took us four years to get pregnant, we just want A. BABY. So do I hope it’s a boy? Do I hope it’s a girl? No. I hope IT gets here safe and healthy and that Brian and I have a significant role in making sure it turns out to be a caring, sensitive, productive member of society. So go ahead and buy IT something yellow already and leave me the hell alone.” 

Okay, I don’t really say any of that.  But I think it while I smile and nod, and try not to head-butt them. The truth is I've never wanted to find out what we were having. Even back in the day when I thought sex made babies, and it would be easy for us; I always figured we'd find out when they were born. I'm more intrigued by the element of surprise than having the knowledge to plan bedding choices based on gender. That said if we ended up with twins, I probably would have caved and found out. Just seems like good common sense, no? 

So I’m looking forward to the big 20 week scan, but only because I’ll always want to have a peak at the baby before it gets here, it's seriously ridonkulous when I repeat that to myself. Twenty week scan... Also, since I have three more weeks before said ultrasound, I put up a belly pic in the Photo Gallery Tab. (Cringe) It's not a great one, but I took like 30 and posted the least awful one. Please don't laugh. 

The Inbetween

So I haven’t been a total slacker since last week. Blogger has been doing some wacky shit, and I am still not able to comment at all. It just keeps asking me to “Select A Profile” and no matter how many times I enter my username and password it won’t let me get anywhere… So if you haven’t heard from me, it’s not because I stopped loving you!

Things are still going well with me, as far as I know. I’m 11 weeks, 4 days today. My progesterone level is only at 17 even after starting the suppositories back up, so they want me to stay on them until 14 weeks as opposed to 12. Which blows, but I am more than happy to do it. Supposedly my last Heparin shot is this weekend, I say that with trepidation because of how things went with my P4. But holy crow will it be nice not to take any more shots. I’ve been giving myself shots in my stomach daily since JANUARY. I’ve racked up over 290 injections in that time, from Humira, to Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Novarell, to Progesterone in Oil, and finally Heparin. And I’m on my sixth Sharps container. Good times.

As for the pregnancy, I’m starting to feel a leetle more at ease. Especially thanks to the Doppler that was loaned to me by the too fabulous for words Shelby, over at The Great Big IF. I know a few of you had suggested getting one after my last post. I had it then but was too chicken-shit to use it. I was just afraid to try it too early and not find anything,  thereby inducing an aneurysm. Though I did finally get brave enough to give it a whirl a few days ago. I found the heartbeat within about five minutes. I could seriously listen to that All. Day. Long.

I’m starting to have a day here and there where I’m not exhausted and can eat semi normally. Still can’t really do any desserts or spicy foods. I bought a few pairs of Maternity bottoms, I LOVE THEM, except for one pair which I stupidly did not try on before I left the store. They just happened to be my size and I figured great – they’ll be fine. For some reason they are really snug in the legs, but seem to sag and slide in the butt region. So I’m constantly having to hike up the waist. They are the same style as the other pair I bought, which fit fantastically, just a different color… Go Figure. So, I have a small bump, which is more predominant at night time. Right now, my regular shirts are starting to get pretty snug, but I just look like I’ve let myself go a little. And any of the maternity shirts that I’ve tried on look like I’m trying too hard to seem pregnant. Which is still not a label I’m entirely comfortable with. It’s been unseasonably cool here in Northern California, enabling me to wear lots of layers and cardigans, so I’m pretty sure my co-workers are still in the dark. But as soon as the summer actually hits, I know I’m screwed.  What else… I have my Nuchal Translucency Test scheduled but I’m starting to question whether or not it’s something I want to do. Whatever the test results show isn’t going to change our minds about keeping this pregnancy.  And I’m a little concerned about the percentage of accuracy in the test results. But then part of me is like “A two hour ultrasound??? Sign me up, bitches!” … I have another OB appointment before the NT test so I guess I’ll chat with the NP a little more about it – unless you folks care to share your experiences/input. That is, if you can comment. Hopefully blogger will clear things up SOON.

Tom Cruise May Have Been On To Something...

That is probably the first and only time you will ever hear me say such kind things about Tom Cruise, but when reports leaked that he was considering getting an ultrasound machine to monitor Ka.tie Hol.mes' pregnancy, (which may or may not have been BS) I kinda get where he was going with that. Oh, the sweet relief of seeing that flicker of a heartbeat on a monitor. I'm thinking about selling my Honda to buy one of those bad boys, if only to keep the men in the white coats away for just a little longer. (I'm pretty sure Brian is considering having me committed.)

Thanks for your thoughtful, and helpful comments on my last irrational post. I felt like the only reason my P4 would plummet like that was because there was something wrong with the pregnancy. I was really genuinely, terrified. It blew.

So my appointment went well this morning. (she recounts sheepishly.) I told the NP (nurse practitioner), about my P4 drop, and she said as long as I'm on the supps, she has no concerns. Levels bounce a little after stopping supplementation... Which sounded familiar. For my last two u/s' the baby was measuring a day behind, which they told me was no big deal, but today the baby was measuring a day ahead! That made me feel a whole lot better. We got to see and hear the heartbeat again. I told her that I had been worrying, and that this part is so much scarier than I had imagined. She smiled and told me there was no reason that I should torture myself with panic and that they are more than happy to do a "Peace of Mind" ultrasound between appointments. Then on that note, she told me to schedule my next appointment in two weeks. God Bless her.

I have a few more posts a'brewin'. I'll try to make them somewhat coherent in the near future, as well as get the latest pic up.

Thanks again folks.

Progesterone Dip - Freaking Out

I was pretty thrilled to take my last PIO shot last week, but I'm panicking now, because my weekly blood draw showed a substantial drop from 31 to 16. Umm, yikes. My Nurse from Dr.3's office told me they weren't super concerned and that they typically see significant drops after progesterone supplementation stops. But she also said they would prefer to see my number more in the 20's.  They are going to have me restart the suppositories. I had originally stopped them because I was having a bad reaction to them. She said if I have another bad reaction that they'll want me to get back on the PIO shots until 12 weeks. Which is 11 days from now. I know that 12 weeks always sounds like a decent safety net, and 11 days isn't that far away. But right now it feels like an eternity.

I have to be honest, I'm pretty much completely terrified right now. I've been really struggling over the last few days, and have had some not so great dreams about Dr.s Appointments.

I have a previously scheduled u/s with my OB for first thing tomorrow morning, but I just don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

I'm really scared.

Here

If I had a nickel for all the draft posts I’ve written over the last two weeks, I could probably help pay for an IUI cycle. But I’m in such a weird place, I’m having a hard time finding the words. And I’m feeling really strange about posting pregnancy related stuff here for a few reasons. 1. In all my day dreams about actually being pregnant, I imagined starting a new blog for just pregnancy stuff, while keeping this an IF place. 2. This whole pregnancy thing? Still not very real to me. I have accepted it on an intellectual level, but it’s still kind of difficult to wrap my head around. I had another u/s last Friday and part of me wondered if they were just playing a tape on the monitor. No joke. And even as we drove home I stared at the little gummy bear like figure in the shaded photo, and could hardly grasp the concept that it was a picture from my insides. It’s just so bizarre.

I’ve had several breakdowns feeling like things were over – triggered by fluctuating or lack of symptoms and just plain fear. We told Brian’s parents two weeks ago, because his Mom is going through Chemo and we felt like she could use a boost. They are over the moon, and it most certainly did lift my MIL’s spirits. It was fun to tell them, but pretty surreal, and it prompted an influx of irrational thoughts. Superstitious thoughts. And I’m not really a superstitious person. Telling them is sort of what prompted me to wait to tell my family. And I still can’t put my finger on why. It’s like I’m afraid there is a quota for happiness and we’re getting close to the end our allotment. Which I know makes no fucking sense at all.

So the whole 'start a new blog' thing… Part of me felt like starting up someplace new would be my show of respect to those still fighting the fight. They could still “know me” and count me as a sister without being bombarded by the evidence that I was lucky enough to get to the other side of all this after just one IVF cycle (not that I’m completely on the other side). Please know that I realize how fortunate I am to have fallen on the right side of the 60% success rate. Truly, I do. But another part of me thought about how much I’ve come to love this place, and how much history it holds. Albeit a mostly painful history, but in a strange way I’m proud of all the crap we’ve been through. I also thought about the many blogs I continued to read even though they had crossed over to pregnancy and even parenthood. I still loved them as sisters. They still know the hurt, they’re just in a different phase of life.  So the jury is still out on whether I’ll start up some place new, but for now I’ll keep posting here. If you’re not up for reading anything pregnancy related I’ll suggest you stop reading now. For the immediate future I will be using this place to document my transition from infertility to pregnancy. Weird.

So today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. When I look back to the day we first saw our positive test it seems like so long ago, though each individual week passes like molasses. Symptom wise, the fatigue has finally kicked in full gear. Yes, I was a bit tired before, but not to the extreme so many other women talked about. I was tired by the end of the day but by no means exhausted. As of about four days ago I am officially wiped by about 1pm every day. Boobs are still tender but much more manageable, I am now able to forgo the sports bra at night. I’m using the bell.aban.d with every pair of pants I own, and last week after my second u/s I allowed myself to order some maternity jeans online. I have to get them online for two reasons. 1 I am entirely too paranoid to go into an actual store because A) I’m just not ready for that. B) I’m terrified to be seen by someone I know. C) In the very back of my mind there is the irrational superstition that buying something could mean the worst for our little one. Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane. And 2. I’m 5’10 with a 34 inch inseam. I usually have to buy most of my jeans/pants online anyway, so it’s no biggie. I still doubt that I’m showing but I’m a little doughy and bloaty and it’s really uncomfortable to suck it in or have any kind of pressure on my abdomen. So maternity pants it is, however premature that may be. Food wise, the nausea has let up a bit, though I am prone to a sour stomach. The only aversion I have right now is to anything sweet, which seems moderately blasphemous because I’ve had a pretty big sweet tooth my entire life. Part of me wonders if this is really my kid. (KIDDING). Dairy, I heart dairy. I’ve been plowing through 1 gallon jugs of 2% milk since about 5 weeks. I drink it as a snack on a pretty regular basis, it’s also very good at helping to settle my stomach. I’m looking forward our next u/s which will be next Thursday (the 26th). I’ll do my best to get the pic up from my most recent u/s before the next appointment. 

I guess the last thing is just to thank you all again for your amazing support, and the sincerity behind your congratulations to me. It’s been overwhelming, in such a very good way.

Try

Now that I’ve had a little time to compose myself and really take in all of what we saw Sunday, I can fill you in on all the details. And of that, there are a’plenty.

The appointment itself went really well. Dr.3 was running behind, but it’s not like we had better things to do. Actually we did give up Sharks playoff tickets to keep the appointment.  Obviously worth it, just saying. As Dr. 3 got to work with the probe and the nurse dimmed the lights, I closed my eyes until I heard him settle. “Okay, there’s the sac and a tiny heart beat – can you see it?” I opened my eyes to see him pointing at the monitor and underlining the spot where the flickering shadow could be easily seen.  Brian squeezed my hand tightly, and my tears began to fall. I have never been so in awe of something so tiny. Dr. 3 continued the exam, taking measurements and giving notes for the nurse to write down. As he moved the probe over a little further to one side he noted it a tiny dark circle about an eighth of the size of the sac our little one floated in. The other embryo had implanted, but didn’t take. To be honest I wasn’t entirely surprised, and I’m not sure I can explain why. I feel a connection to the little one who wasn’t, but I also hold a great understanding that it wasn’t their time. And I’m at peace with that. The rest of the measurements went fine, my ovaries were nice and quiet - just what he hoped to see.  He closed things up and went over the rest of my protocol, asked if we had any questions then congratulated us with very sincere handshakes. As he walked out of the room, he let out a comically dramatic “Whew!”.  We laughed pretty hard about it then, but I realize now that it was kind of cool to see how much doing the first u/s weighed on him. If he doesn’t do that out loud every time, I’m sure he does it internally.

They asked us to go back to the waiting room so that we could wait to speak with one of the nurses about some other formalities. There were two other couples there and we did our best to keep our composure so as not to flaunt our amazing news in front of them. They seemed like newbies. The nurse, one of our favorites, let us know that we’d need to set up our next u/s with our OB, and she gave us a copy of our records to provide to them. We haven’t been released by Dr. 3 but we’ve chosen not to do any more Out of Pocket appointments with him. She also gave me another prescription for the last round of meds. I have 20 more days of PIO shots. 34 more days of Heparin and Metformin.

In addition to the u/s milestone we had yesterday, I experienced one more. My last Resolve meeting, for now.  In the group that I attend, they invite you back for one last meeting after a confirmed pregnancy. I didn’t realize it was going to be so difficult. Each member sits in the circle and tells you their name and as much about their situation as they are feeling up to.  I began to explain my situation; Trying for four years - as of next month, six failed donor IUI’s,  a yearlong break before IVF. As I wrapped up the details of our cycle, I heard the words “it worked” come out of my mouth and I promptly fell apart. I apologized to everyone and explained how grateful we were, but that acknowledging it – especially there, was overwhelming. The ladies in attendance were nothing short of gracious and congratulatory. But I had a hard time chiming in with information or personal experiences after outing myself.  I always thought that asking the pregnant people/couples to come back for one last meeting was mostly in consideration for those still in the battle, but I can see now that it’s inappropriate for both sides. Listening to heartbreaking story, after heartbreaking story wouldn’t be beneficial. They weren’t comforting anymore. And I’ve heard too many as it is. It’s time for me to accept that, and move on.

Taking the time to step back and analyze my reaction to everything, and just how I’ve processed the existence of this pregnancy so far has truly cemented the fact that I am damaged goods. I’ve had every reason to believe that things were going fine, decent symptoms, decent numbers, no history (thankyougod) of loss. But yet, I couldn’t even acknowledge the simple fact to myself without throwing some caveat up in front of anything that would resemble a statement about our immediate future. It was too scary. 

It still is.

But I'm going to try.

One.

One Heartbeat.

No words...

Baby is measuring right on track. Heart rate is 129.

So, so many grateful tears.

Pictures on the new tab above.

I'm really pregnant.

Insecure

Our ultrasound is in two days, and I'm feeling insecure.

My first substantial bout of morning sickness hit yesterday, and though I consciously followed a remedy to combat it, offered by a trusted souce, I'm feeling decidedly alarmed that it worked. And I feel better.

Despite the fact that my best friend assured me that I looked like death for the better part of my day, I have to wonder if it was all in my head.

What if we see nothing on Sunday?

Adjusting...

There is a lot more to absorb emotionally with all this pregnancy business than I was prepared for. I’ve followed dozens of bloggers throughout their pregnancies, and I definitely recall your emotional battle, particularly in the early weeks. But I have to say, I kind of assumed you were just trying to be nice.  Like a peace offering to those of us still in the trenches – “DON’T LEAVE ME, I’m still infertile at heart!!!”… But the truth is you suddenly feel like you don’t belong to the one place you hold dearest, and though you finally fall into the category you wanted the most, it’s not what you thought it would be... I’m 6 weeks 3 days today, but really all that means is two weeks ago some blood work suggested that I’m pregnant. It’s like I know it on an intellectual level, but my heart is still trying to catch up. I suppose our first u/s this weekend will make everything more real. Then again, maybe it's just the fog of fatigue that's muffling my giddiness.

Physically, I’m feeling less and less like my old self. Which is comforting. The fatigue is definitely there. The cramping has subsided, just a few pangs here and there, mostly at night. Bloating, oy the bloating. I had to cave and buy one of those Be.lla band things. Not because I’m by any means showing, but the OHSS bloat comes back with a vengeance in the afternoons and it’s really uncomfortable to have any kind of pressure or constriction on my abdomen.  Am I lame? Did anyone else need “assistance” this early??? And to tell you the truth, I’ve always been a big fan of elastic waistbands, now I have a really great excuse to wear one every day. Here’s to not sucking it in for the next eight months! The girls – they are still extraordinarily sore. A big thank you to Carli who text me about opting for a sports bra at night – holy hell that saved me… But I have to say the most difficult symptom is the slowed bowels. I am popping Colace like tic tacs over here…. Ugh. But I’m not complaining. I’m incredibly grateful for the reason(s) I have each one of those symptoms. Seriously, I smile through every trip to tinkle at 12, 2, 4, and 6am.

So our ultrasound is this weekend. It was initially set for Saturday, but we had some family stuff come up and I had to move it back one day. Even though it sucks to push it back, it’ll be better for everyone this way.  Brian and I are obviously pretty excited. As of right now, I’m thinking it’s just one. Actually I’ve always felt that way, but I suppose we’ll see soon enough. You’ve all been exceptionally amazing with your thoughtful and helpful comments. And I continue to be truly grateful.

Livin' Large

It's official. I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I can't button my pants, my lower back is killing me. I have to pee ever thirty-eight minutes and I think I can feel my ovaries in the back of my throat. I started feeling my (other) girls the day after I started stims, which was both exciting and remarkably comforting at first. And actually even up to Monday evening. But starting Tuesday night they woke me up whenever I rolled over. You know how if you tap one balloon in a bouquet of ballons that they all ripple in turn. That's what my ovaries feel like every time I move. Bending over, sitting down, getting up, coughing. All of that makes them ripple, and it's not cute anymore.

But I can see the light. We're almost there. Even after having four shots and blood draw on Monday. Five shots on Tuesday. (Oh, I added Heparin twice a day beginning Monday night.) I calculated everything and I'm 88 shots in with a whole fucking lot more to go... I'm not a needle phob by any means, but I'm starting to get some serious bruising from all of the shots. And the Heparin is only going to make things worse according to my nurse. I want you all to understand how grateful I am to be here, period, but the physical toll of IVF just hit me like a Mack Truck, and I can feel the effects head to toe. This shit is hard.

But I know I can do it.

My appointment went well this morning despite running AN HOUR late. Follies on the left measuring  15 -16mm, Follies on the right measuring 16 - 17mm. I was instructed to "coast" tonight. No Follistim, No Menopur. Just Heparin and Lupron. I'll trigger tomorrow night (WOO HOO!!!) And my retrieval will be Saturday morning! If I don't sound more enthusiastic it's only because my rising levels of Estrogen are making me feel EXHAUSTED. And a bit weepy. I cried last night when Bethany asked Julie to be Bryn's Godmother. Okay, I might have cried over that anyway, but I'm playing my IVF meds card and there's nothing you can do about it.

While explaining my current experiences to Dr. 3 and the nurse, they both agreed that I'm at the very early stages of OHSS and have placed me on a liquid restricted diet. I can have no more than one liter of Gatorade per day. No soup, no milk - which means no cereal (balls!), and no smoothies. Like the one I had been dreaming of getting on my way back to my office, but oh well. I know there is more stuff I wanted to say, but I'm kind of out of it right now. Any questions, ask away!

Proceed Follies, Proceed.

First things first, I'm happy to report:  No crazy dreams leading up to the first monitoring appointment. My hoo-hoo wasn't displayed on a Megatron, picture window, or skype for that matter. All good things. As I type this I can only wonder if the whore-bag cyst had anything to do with that. The official report is that she's gone for good! I was super nervous going in that I'd have one giant follie the size of Rachel Zoe, and end up getting cancelled fo' shiz. But Dr. 3 was quite happy with my progress and didn't see that hooker anywhere.

So with all this excitement I have no choice but to whip out my bullet points. (oh my)

• Left Side: 8 follies, all measuring 12 - 13mm
• Right Side: 9-10 follies, all measuring 12 - 13mm
• Lining: 8.3mm
• Estrodial: 587
• Prolactin: 18

Dr. 3 was all smiles this morning, and said that my progress was on the higher side of the median he likes to see. I feel good about that. I think. I go back on Wednesday for another monitoring check, but he thinks I could trigger as early as Wednesday night, possibly Thursday. Which meeeeeans, my ER could be Friday or Saturday!!!

I really, really can't believe our time is finally here. I'm so ridiculously happy right now.  My pants are unbuttoned, and I'm smiling like an idiot - I just can't believe we'll have our very own embryo's this weekend. I love them already - is that weird?

So next up: Meds are the same tonight and tomorrow, except that I'll add in Heparin which brings me to four shots per night, oy. I know that it'll soon be two, once I'm off the stims and start the Progesterone in Oil. Which I've heard is heavenly (she says sarcastically). So again, I ask for your wisdom and experience - what are the best ways to minimize the ouchiness of the POI shots? I've heard horror stories of welts, and sore spots that last for MONTHS. I'd like to avoid that, please and thank you. So, spill it.

Hey Progesterone: You Suck.

Sorry for the delay, yesterday was super chaotic at work and by the time I got home I just didn’t have it in me to post. My morning began with another peculiar dream. Dr.3 was running late, so a nurse came in to instruct me on how to complete my own u/s. I checked my lining, it looked like… my uterus, I guess so that was good. But before I could move on to check for my whore-bag of a constant companion I was interrupted by another nurse who wanted to administer a rather unorthodox remedy for my situation. This part however, is truly too humiliating to describe. Even to you. But while I lay there on the table waiting for their remedy to cure my cyst, I noticed that Dr.3 was in the room working with another patient. This is where it got weirder. He was hunched over talking to the patient and his scrubs were just low enough on his backside that I could see he was wearing… a thong. The nurse cackled loudly while bringing it to his attention and they both ended up having a good chuckle about it. But I was, and am profoundly mortified by it even as we speak.. I was seriously still so disturbed by the image, that I could barely look him in the eye at my appointment. Oh, but there were no picture windows this time. Bonus.

In reality Dr. 3 was right on time and started the u/s without me having to lift a finger. But not before he complimented my polka-dot socks. Which he’s done more than once and I have to say I’m a little weirded out by it. Not because his mentioning my socks is in anyway inappropriate. I actually think it’s his way of breaking the ice – by being nice and offering a compliment. But I only recently started keeping my socks on during my stints in the stirrups, so I’m a little self-conscience about it. Honestly, up until last month I always removed my socks before an exam but one day before one of my other monitoring appointments while waiting for Dr. 3 to show, I had in internal debate over whether or not to take them off. But before I could make up my mind, Dr. 3 came in and effectively made the decision for me. Do you leave ‘em on, or take ‘em off? I digress.   So. My lining.  Down to 4mm, from 5mm last week. A very good sign. Left ovary – still politely behaving as expected. Righty, whom I’ve named Satan’s whore, still showed a large cyst. But it’s smaller it’s at 27.5 x 27.5, from 25.5 x 35.5. This is when I made my move. But instead of spewing my infertile rage at him I sheepishly confessed that I was extraordinarily frustrated with the now six week delay, and was hoping he’d be open to taking a more aggressive approach.  He then of course made me sorry for the desperately written rant filled with misguided anger that I published yesterday. He told me he had been baffled by this delay and truly felt that the cyst should have resolved itself considering the amount of Lupron I was on. He said in any other situation a person on my dosage of Lupron would have seen menopausal E2 levels a few weeks ago…

He explained further: Because my E2 levels dropped so significantly at my last appointment and based on the fact that my cyst measured smaller today, he had a feeling that my levels would show another substantial drop. The Estrogen was what was feeding the cyst – so that number going down would be a great indicator. He genuinely believes that my period will come in the next week. (I know, check’s in the mail, right?) But if it doesn’t he wants me to come back in so that he can aspirate it. He booked me for the appointment for next weekend to do so, still believing that AF will finally show before then.

Later in the afternoon the nurse called me with my E2 number. It’s 45. A very, very good thing- and exactly what Dr. 3 said would happen. However my Progesterone is at 1.7 (should be under 1.0), so at this point it’s the only thing that is holding up my period. The nurse explained that once my body realizes my Estrogen is so low, it will recognize get this: I’m not pregnant; my progesterone will drop and I’ll get my period… And at that point, I will be able to start stims right away. Or we aspirate the little fucker, my estrogen and progesterone drops – I get my period – then start stims.

None of those things are happening as quickly as I'd like but Dr. 3 prefers not to interfere if possible, and I was grateful for the time he spent with me yesterday to explain all that. A big thank you to all of you, who've been so supportive and put up with my schizo posting. You're thoughful comments have meant the world to me, I'm sorry I haven't been giving back as much as I'd like to in that department.

Defying Science

Ninety-nine percent of women using Lupron for more than 38 days would have seen a cyst/follicle collapse, and experienced bleeding shortly thereafter.

But not me.

According to Dr.3, my body is "defying science"…

Yesterday was CD30, so with no spotting to speak of I promptly picked up my phone and left a message for one of the nurses at my clinic. She called me back and with sincere sympathy asked if I’d be free for an u/s and blood draw first thing this morning.

I woke up early after being startled by a dream where at my ultrasound they found two more cysts and my lining was at 30mm (can you imagine? That would be the period to end all periods) Oh and the clinic was set up downtown and my room had a big giant picture window on the corner of a busy street. Making my hoohaa part of their window display. Dr.3 kept telling me not to worry about thaaat...

I didn’t go to this u/s expecting great news. I went in praying to receive a glimmer of hope and at the very least some information as to what the crap is going on.

The cyst is still there. And it’s bigger. BUT it’s bigger laterally – as in not round. It’s an oblong shape which implies that it’s in the process of collapsing. And my lining is down from 8mm, to 5mm. Which is good. The Lupron and my body are doing what they are supposed to, just at a profoundly slow rate. Dr. 3 thinks I could see my period within the next week, but to be safe they scheduled me for an u/s and blood draw for a week from today in case I don’t get my period by then.

I have mixed feelings about this information mostly because it appears as though my body is doing everything it's supposed to but at a snails fucking pace.  And then there are the mysterious goings on that have led to nothing: A)Three weeks ago I felt Ovulation pains. It's a very distinct type of pressure, that is to me, unmistakable. But obviously this thing is still around - so what the hell was that then??? 2) The Rage - what the crap was that all about? I literally felt crazy and I have the blog post to prove it. C) The other pms symptoms I usually get have come and gone... Oilier than normal hair and skin, sore/swollen breasts, bloating. Now nothing. I feel great. And what's worse is according to Dr.3 I should be having significant hot flashes as an indication that my estrogen is going down.  But, nope. I'm right as the mail. 

I feel angry and cheated by my body and circumstances. I wanted a January cycle, and with the long lupron protocol scheduling, I ended up in February. Now with this stupid delay I'm looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I STARTED THIS DAMN CYCLE IN DECEMBER- there must be a metal or badge or free fucking toaster for having the longest IVF cycle ever recorded. In the whole wide world. EVER.

But on a better note, I just got the call and my E2 is down to 125. From 346, and 414, and 391. So thank fucking Karl Lagerfeld for that. Except if my levels keep moving down at the same rate I'm looking at another nine days before I'm below 70 to get the go-ahead for stims. So I'll hang on to my white flag, and continue with obsessively check the toilet paper for some sign of menses. ANY SIGN.

Thanks for putting up with my ridiculousness. And mood swings. At least most of you can be thankful you don't know me in real life. Save Brian... Poor monkey.

Melissa G. - OUT.

In Which I Remember I Have No Control Over Anything. Ever.

Friday night we were getting ready to go to my best friend's father's 60th birthday party, when I took my obligatory CD10 OPK. Imagine my surprise when the test came back positive. My follie check was scheduled for today, so I was not prepared to see a positive at all. Then things went from bad to worse, about an hour into the party I felt the unmistakable twinges of ovulation. It became more and more intense as the evening went on and I knew that our chance to cycle this month was slipping away. All I could think was that our last chance to get pregnant in 2009 was going to be over. Brian and I sat back at our table watching numerous young families enjoying the music, and crowding the dance floor. Amidst the dancing and happiness we also got a pregnancy announcement. And we slowly began to feel more and more out of place. Watching father's dance with their daughters and mother's tending tantrums just got to be too much. And we reluctantly decided to leave the party before I lost it in front of everyone.

First thing Saturday morning I called my clinic and explained to the nurse what had happened the night before. She told me she hoped I was wrong about ovulating and that they would get me in right away. Dr. C walked in while I sat in the chair in my paper skirt, I told him about my positive OPK, and then about the ovulation pains. He smiled and shrugged and said, "you know you really can't be too sure about those mysterious pains, they could just be the follicle growing" just then he started the u/s and quickly noted that I had indeed ovulated. He pointed out a collapsed follicle and what appeared to be fluid from the collapsed follicle. I managed to be diplomatic while I glared at him with my "I told you so" smirk. I have to say it's mildly insulting that he assumes I don't know anything about my own body... Anyway, he continued on to say that it appeared I had ovulated within the last 12 hours and that I was still within the window if I wanted to continue with an insemination. He told me that my chances were descent enough, and that I should really consider going ahead. So I did. We had a motile count of 12 million, not bad.

I find it incredibly ironic that I had been plotting and scheming exactly when I was going to trigger so that I could do my IUI just after I ovulated, and my body went ahead and did it anyway - four days early no less. So as of right now I am officially 1dpiui. I honestly think our chances are pretty descent. My concern this whole time has been that the sperm weren't living long enough to meet the egg. Well now the egg was already there waiting so hopefully this will make all the difference for us. Crossing our fingers for a Christmas miracle...

Day By Day

Where the hell has she been?!
You might be asking yourself. Okay probably not. It's more likely that I am overestimating the blogosphere's level of investment in my journey... I digress. Anyhoo, I have been hibernating in a little place I like to call a Crazymessbasketcaseland, and doing a marvelous job at it, by the way. Seriously folks, I have not been in a good place AT ALL. I know my last post was all fluffy and I jabbered on about being thankful and crap, but that was a mask. I was well on my way to CMBC Land and grasping at straws to keep my shit together.

I feel nuts.
Especially when I think about how little I've done as far as IF treatments go. Just the four IUI's. When I have a clear day, I'm able to see the poor condition my mental health is in, and I wonder how I got there. I don't think of myself as a weak and weepy person. But then again, most crazy people don't know they're crazy... Hmm. Food for thought there, huh?

PLEH.
That's HELP backwards. If you're a 'Friends' fanatic, you'll totally get that. Great episode. What was I talking about? Right. Help. I'm getting some.

• My acupuncturist, Ms. B, has been working on my Chakra, and helping me with some visualization tools to help me got out of this place.
• Yesterday I hung out with a few local bloggers. That is always a fantastic way to process garbage and get an outside, yet educated opinion/advice. Even them listening and nodding along to my blathering is helpful, because like all of you - they get it. Thank you so much Nikki and Sarang -private blog).
• My Therapist. As of tonight I will have a therapist. We saw one before, but it was through our clinic and solely to help us process the DI part of this journey. I think my troubles now stem from the long term effects of IF, and my failed IUI's. But god knows what else she'll find wrong with me. I'll let you know how that goes.

As far as my cycle, I am 2dpo today. I had an u/s on Friday to monitor and they found two large follicles on my right side. Evidently they prefer one on each side, but Dr Rawks wasn't surprised because my right side is dominant anyway. He said two follicles is still a good thing. So I triggered on Friday after my u/s and I went back for my IUI on Saturday. There was a total motile count of 10.6 million. Not great. I decided not to thaw another vial. It obviously didn't help last month, so fuck it. I've been feeling a little better the last few days, I think the acupuncture and the bloggy get together were very helpful. Let's hope my therapist will be the silver bullet.

Trigger Happy

I just got back from my second u/s monitoring. There are definitely two GIANT follicles. WOO HOO! On the left is the dominant 24.18mm, and on the right we have 23.54mm. Dr. Rawks is thrilled with both. And my lining is just under 9mm. So that's good too. At my last appointment they asked me to make sure I brought my Ovidrel, which I did. So the nurse kindly showed me how to administer the shot right there at the clinic. I have an appointment for my IUI tomorrow afternoon. The only thing that sucks about that is that it's Fle.et Week in San Francisco, so traffic is going to be a cluster fuck. But I'll get over it. I really have a lot of respect for people who commute all the time. I live 5 miles away from my office, so the most I can complain about is a slow pedestrian. I do not know how people put up with that crap 5 days a week... What was I talking about? oh yeah- I TRIGGERED!!! Please keep your fingers that this is the first, and last time I will have to trigger for at least a few years. Wish me luck!

U/S Update

I always thought I'd be using that title in affiliation with a pregnancy, but oh well. I had my ultrasound this morning. Everything went well. Dr. Rawks found 2.5 follicles. One on my left that was 19mm, and two on my right side. One was 18mm, and the other was 15mm. He said the 15mm may or may not catch up, but for now he's happy with the two larger ones. Whew. I feel so much better. I was really freaking out that my body was not going to respond to the meds at all.

I made another appointment for an u/s Thursday morning, Dr. Rawks wants me to continue doing OPK's, and if I get a positive between now and my next appointment we will just reschedule it as an IUI, and I will do the ovidrel trigger as a back up. He prefers that I try go as long as possible to let the follicles mature. But it's possible that I may trigger after my u/s on Thursday. So surprise, surprise- it's more wait and see. The nice thing is, is that I was able to get Thursday and Friday off (Thanks T!), so I won't have to worry about missing a peculiar amount of work, and coming up with an excuse for my co-workers again. My main plan is to be a complete waste of space, and catch up on my reading and various blogs. It's been a hectic few months and I could really use this time to reboot. Unfortunately I have to do a few grown up things like getting my much needed a hair cut, and going to meet with our financial planner. Boy is she going to love hearing how much we've spent on IF in the last 4 months!

Now I'd like to take a moment to thank the lovely and talented Dee for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Thank you so much for your support and thoughtfulness Dee, I really appreciate it.

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here we go:

1. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

2. I was a locksmith for 3 years, before I got laid off after Silicon Valley tanked. I can pick open and re-key locks, I can get in to most cars, and I know more about safes than a lot of people ever will. Everything you see in the movies about breaking into safes or front doors, is bullshit.

3. I wear one of my Grandmothers rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

4. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

5. I have like 70+ VHS tapes that I will not get rid of. Much to Brian's dismay.

6. I heart Jason Bateman.

7. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Once Upon a Time, Musings of a Wannabe Mommy, Melissa's thoughts and Realizations, It's only Life, Our Journey, and Family of two.