Inconsistency

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, my weekend was better than I could have hoped for. We went to dinner Friday night, did a movie marathon Saturday during the day, then finished up by using my spa gift cards (from Christmas) to get both of us massages! Which were fantastic save one thing. My girls. O-M-F-G do my boobs hurt. Laying on my stomach while the masseuse was doing my back was borderline agony. I almost asked her to stop. I've grown accustomed to the typical cast of characters as far as my PMS goes, but it's been all over the place since dealing with meds. Namely the progesterone. Sore boobs have always been a significant symptom, they'd start getting sore the day after I ovulated, and continue that way until I got my period. But once I started the progesterone the soreness was gone... HALLELUJAH!!! I sort of welcomed all the other crappy side effects from the Prometrium because I had been spared from the two weeks of barely being able to sleep on my stomach because my girls hurt so bad... Actually the worst part was taking off my bra at the end of the day.

But now my last two cycles have been fairly strange. The first period I had after my last BFN was nine days early. And I'm fairly certain I didn't ovulate, I'm one of the freaks who can feel it, and I never had any EWCM. And I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate in February either because again both main indicators were MIA. As was my period, which this time was nine days late. And all the while, my girls stayed silent. Until I got my period, she showed up the day after I finally gave in and tested. (No miracle BFP for us, no way, no how!) So since the day my tardy period showed up my girls have been sore. I finally ovulated on Wednesday last week and from that day on they've gotten even MORE sore - GAH! At one point Brian got so tired of hearing me complain that he barked out: "Jesus, you should go get them checked out!" As if they're sprained ankles or something... I was about to sarcastically thank him for his compassion when he quipped that it would probably suck a lot if his boys were sore for weeks at a time. Indeed, Sir.

Anyone else have anything like that? - Odd cycles and strong PMS symptoms after stopping medicated cycles?

Anyway, where was I ? Right - the weekend. So yes, I had a lovely birthday although I insisted that Brian not call it my "birthday weekend" and just call it my "me-time". I didn't really want to acknowledge it much. Thirty one - oy vey. It's not that I feel old or anything, it's just absorbing the fact that I'm not twenty-two anymore. Which in a way - thank gawd for that. But you know what I mean... Back to my "me-time" I think hands down the best part of my weekend was having Brian all to myself. He's been pretty busy with his company as of late, so it was quite the treat to steal him away. Thanks for spoiling me dear.

In Which I Remember I Have No Control Over Anything. Ever.

Friday night we were getting ready to go to my best friend's father's 60th birthday party, when I took my obligatory CD10 OPK. Imagine my surprise when the test came back positive. My follie check was scheduled for today, so I was not prepared to see a positive at all. Then things went from bad to worse, about an hour into the party I felt the unmistakable twinges of ovulation. It became more and more intense as the evening went on and I knew that our chance to cycle this month was slipping away. All I could think was that our last chance to get pregnant in 2009 was going to be over. Brian and I sat back at our table watching numerous young families enjoying the music, and crowding the dance floor. Amidst the dancing and happiness we also got a pregnancy announcement. And we slowly began to feel more and more out of place. Watching father's dance with their daughters and mother's tending tantrums just got to be too much. And we reluctantly decided to leave the party before I lost it in front of everyone.

First thing Saturday morning I called my clinic and explained to the nurse what had happened the night before. She told me she hoped I was wrong about ovulating and that they would get me in right away. Dr. C walked in while I sat in the chair in my paper skirt, I told him about my positive OPK, and then about the ovulation pains. He smiled and shrugged and said, "you know you really can't be too sure about those mysterious pains, they could just be the follicle growing" just then he started the u/s and quickly noted that I had indeed ovulated. He pointed out a collapsed follicle and what appeared to be fluid from the collapsed follicle. I managed to be diplomatic while I glared at him with my "I told you so" smirk. I have to say it's mildly insulting that he assumes I don't know anything about my own body... Anyway, he continued on to say that it appeared I had ovulated within the last 12 hours and that I was still within the window if I wanted to continue with an insemination. He told me that my chances were descent enough, and that I should really consider going ahead. So I did. We had a motile count of 12 million, not bad.

I find it incredibly ironic that I had been plotting and scheming exactly when I was going to trigger so that I could do my IUI just after I ovulated, and my body went ahead and did it anyway - four days early no less. So as of right now I am officially 1dpiui. I honestly think our chances are pretty descent. My concern this whole time has been that the sperm weren't living long enough to meet the egg. Well now the egg was already there waiting so hopefully this will make all the difference for us. Crossing our fingers for a Christmas miracle...

Christmas Cardless

I have been dreading the idea of Christmas cards for about 3 months now. Giving and receiving...

After each failed cycle, it became more evident that we would not have happy news to share with with family and friends this holiday season. I'd dreamt of making a Christmas card that included an ultrasound photo. Instead I'm a little terrified about the cards that are heading our way.

I used to love sending out cards. But now I feel pathetic because after 6 years of marriage, it's still just the two of us - and the dog. I imagine the people who know about us shaking their heads with pity when they see just the three of us on another card. And the others who don't know wondering aloud whether or not we're ever going to have children. I do realize that's pretty unrealistic, so thanks to the tools I've learned in therapy, when I get too deep into that thought I'm able to stop myself now and think instead about how I'm actually am very proud of the three of us. I love my husband, and I'm proud to be his wife. I'm proud of the life and home we built together. But still, sending out a card with just the three of us?... I don't know.

As for my cycle, today is CD3. I was able to get my Letrozole dosage increased - woo hoo! I'd like to thank you all for your input on my last post about your IUI protocol. I'm planning to send an email to Dr. C regarding the crappy timing on my previous failed cycles, and inform him of my new strategy for the timing of my IUI this month. I'm curious to see what he'll have to say... I don't know when I'll see him next, I'll go in on Dec 6th for my follie check, which is a Sunday so I'm not sure who will be on call that day. Whatever.

For the most part I am feeling very hopeful about this next cycle. Now that I know our timing will be more accurate and that I might even have three follies to catch a spermie or two. (We're totally down with twins.) We've had a pretty nice weekend so far, just busy decorating the house now. It's been hard getting into the spirit of the season this year, so maybe cramming it down my throat at home will do the trick. Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

Guess Who Thinks She Knows More Than Her RE?

I DO! I DO! I DO! Alright, hear me out. I got a comment on my last post that got me thinking. A lot. "The one thing my RE has stressed throughout this long process... is that each cycle helps them learn more about how your body works. As hard as it is to realize, each failure helps them fine-tune things the next time. " (Thanks Jo!) Not once has Dr. RAWKS questioned me about the intricacies of my cycle, (LIKE HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO OVULATE AFTER AN HCG TRIGGER!!!!) other than what he has seen from my test results. The more I think about it the more I think that the timing of my IUI's has been way off. And I feel like I've been treated by statistical standards. Furthermore I decree that Dr. "RAWKS" is hereby demoted to Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix.

Lemme break it down:

• Frozen sperm lasts about 12-24 hours after it is defrosted. I know, it's astoundingly less than fresh sperm. (I was able to find this info from several sources online, not once have I heard this from my clinic. I thought it would have been closer to a couple of days)
• I ovulate 36+ hours after my Hcg trigger shot. I get the mittleschmertz, so I feel a lot of pressure before I ovulate.
• My last two IUI's have been exactly 24 hours after my trigger.
• Which means by the time I actually ovulate a good portion of the sperm is probably already DEAD.
• I happened to see on TWO other local IF Clinic's websites that the clinics do IUI's closer to 36-40 hours after the trigger. WTF?!

Okay, I know I must seem like I'm grasping at straws to find some possible explanation as to why I still haven't gotten pregnant, but the things I listed above are completely factual. So now I'm left with more frustration over the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. I should have put two and two together a lot sooner, but wouldn't it have been Dr. Rawks' responsibility to follow up with me regarding each mundane detail so that we could "fine-tune" the protocol on our next cycle?! I'm not as mad at him as I am myself. I should have done more research about the longevity of the sperm and sooner. I should have spoken up about the tiny details of my cycle and wanting to be more aggressive with treatments. I could have saved Brian and I a lot of time, heartache, and money.

We have one vial left, and I plan to use it in about two weeks, so there won't be enough time to find a new RE by then. But if things don't work out again next month I can safely say that we will spend the month of January shopping for a new RE. It kinda makes me sad to say that. I do actually like him, he has a fantastic bedside manner, and is incredibly gentle, ahem, down there. But I hate that I haven't gotten the slightest inquiry from him during my FIVE failed cycles. For so long I kept chalking it up to my odds just being low each cycle... But now I think I've kinda been screwed by the lack of attention on my RE's part.

So here's the new plan:

I called this weekend to request an increase in my dosage of Letrozole. The nurse I spoke to said they rarely do that, and Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix is on vacation this week. Which means it's pretty unlikely that another Dr. will trump his orders. So I might have to fight for it. When I go in for my follie check, probably Dec 6th. I'm going to insist that I trigger that night at home and come in 36 hours later. Instead of triggering after my u/s and coming in the next morning. Who the fuck knows if it'll work, but at least I'll feel better knowing that I've done what I can.

P.S. I'd love to hear about your IUI protocol.

Not What I Planned

Where, oh where, do I begin?

When I made my initial appointment for today's IUI, they told me that Dr. Rawks was not going to be in. Which was fine, I've had six total IUI's during my last three cycles and Dr. Rawks has only done two of them. Not a big deal. I was able to make an appointment with a Doctor that I've had before and really liked. But when we got there today, my IUI nurse told me that this doctor was no longer available. No problem, just give me anyone with a degree in Reproductive Endocrinology, and I'll be on my way... So the doctor walks in, and I suddenly realize I've had her before. And she was not good. Not good at all. Not only does she lack a personality/bedside manner, but after my last visit with her I abhorrently nicknamed her Dr. Cantfindmycervix. I literally felt bruised after the last IUI she gave me.

After reintroducing herself, she tells me that the counts of the vial they thawed only had 9.6 million. The bank we purchased from guarantee's a minimum of 10 million. I realize that this is a very small difference, but I am not happy. Since my first IUI the total thawed counts have only gone down. My first vial had 26 million - a FANTASTIC number. But the vial before this had 15 million. Still not terrible, but not as good as 26. The minimum amount that my clinic prefers for an IUI is 10 million. Dr. Cantfindmycervix, seemed to think this sample was adequate. But I just didnt feel good about it. This my FOURTH FUCKING SHOT. I NEED this to WORK. I can't do this anymore. It's really starting to wear on me... So I ask her if it's possible to thaw another vial. She tells me again, that the vial does meet their minimum requirement, but that if I wanted, they could thaw another one. She warned me that doing so, may not necessarily increase my odds. But I just didn't feel good about the single vial. I can't settle for their "minimum requirement" - I won't. Not when we've got three failed cycles under our belts. My peace of mind is worth more than the expense of an extra vial. If I had settled for the single vial and this cycle didn't work, I could not live with myself for not following my instinct and insisting on a second vial.

So it's done. The Dr, once again, had a difficult time locating my cervix for some ridiculous reason. And once again she fumbled around while giving me the play by play -"You're going to feel some pressure now", blah blah blah.... HEY LADY, THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO. I know what a fucking speculum feels like. How's about you work a little harder on being delicate with my girlly parts, and little less on your dialog, huh?!?! So like I was saying, it's done, and I've been resting somewhat comfortably since this afternoon. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my left side while I was typing this, and now I can feel my right side starting to ache. So I'm happy with the timing I guess. But man, was this a crappy ending to what I have so far, felt pretty confident about. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I need feel good about the rest of this cycle, I'm tired of feeling sad...

Please commence crossed fingers.

Trigger Happy

I just got back from my second u/s monitoring. There are definitely two GIANT follicles. WOO HOO! On the left is the dominant 24.18mm, and on the right we have 23.54mm. Dr. Rawks is thrilled with both. And my lining is just under 9mm. So that's good too. At my last appointment they asked me to make sure I brought my Ovidrel, which I did. So the nurse kindly showed me how to administer the shot right there at the clinic. I have an appointment for my IUI tomorrow afternoon. The only thing that sucks about that is that it's Fle.et Week in San Francisco, so traffic is going to be a cluster fuck. But I'll get over it. I really have a lot of respect for people who commute all the time. I live 5 miles away from my office, so the most I can complain about is a slow pedestrian. I do not know how people put up with that crap 5 days a week... What was I talking about? oh yeah- I TRIGGERED!!! Please keep your fingers that this is the first, and last time I will have to trigger for at least a few years. Wish me luck!

U/S Update

I always thought I'd be using that title in affiliation with a pregnancy, but oh well. I had my ultrasound this morning. Everything went well. Dr. Rawks found 2.5 follicles. One on my left that was 19mm, and two on my right side. One was 18mm, and the other was 15mm. He said the 15mm may or may not catch up, but for now he's happy with the two larger ones. Whew. I feel so much better. I was really freaking out that my body was not going to respond to the meds at all.

I made another appointment for an u/s Thursday morning, Dr. Rawks wants me to continue doing OPK's, and if I get a positive between now and my next appointment we will just reschedule it as an IUI, and I will do the ovidrel trigger as a back up. He prefers that I try go as long as possible to let the follicles mature. But it's possible that I may trigger after my u/s on Thursday. So surprise, surprise- it's more wait and see. The nice thing is, is that I was able to get Thursday and Friday off (Thanks T!), so I won't have to worry about missing a peculiar amount of work, and coming up with an excuse for my co-workers again. My main plan is to be a complete waste of space, and catch up on my reading and various blogs. It's been a hectic few months and I could really use this time to reboot. Unfortunately I have to do a few grown up things like getting my much needed a hair cut, and going to meet with our financial planner. Boy is she going to love hearing how much we've spent on IF in the last 4 months!

Now I'd like to take a moment to thank the lovely and talented Dee for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Thank you so much for your support and thoughtfulness Dee, I really appreciate it.

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here we go:

1. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

2. I was a locksmith for 3 years, before I got laid off after Silicon Valley tanked. I can pick open and re-key locks, I can get in to most cars, and I know more about safes than a lot of people ever will. Everything you see in the movies about breaking into safes or front doors, is bullshit.

3. I wear one of my Grandmothers rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

4. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

5. I have like 70+ VHS tapes that I will not get rid of. Much to Brian's dismay.

6. I heart Jason Bateman.

7. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Once Upon a Time, Musings of a Wannabe Mommy, Melissa's thoughts and Realizations, It's only Life, Our Journey, and Family of two.

Letrozole, You Sneaky Little Bitch

I know what your thinking.

Isn't she on CD8?

Those OPK test lines seem awfully dark for this point in her cycle.

Jeez, she'll probably get a positive in the morning.

Tomorrow Afternoon at the latest...

But what about the Ovidrel sitting in her fridge? I thought she is supposed to trigger with that later next week...

I KNOW!!!!!!

Dr. RAWKS told me to start testing on Sunday, which would be CD10. But I started to get that pinchy pressure in my abdomen that is oh-so-recognizable at this point in my IF career. So I decided I would test this evening. Just to see where I'm at. And a disturbingly dark line showed up right away. I realize this is not a positive test. And the picture may not do those lines justice, but they are pretty dark, and I seriously expect to go in this weekend for my IUI.

Have any of you who've taken Letrozole/Femara had a similar experience?

This is typically where a slur of gratuitous expletives would be spewing out on to the page with little regard for common decency. But since my last two cycles have been so wonky, I'm actually not as bothered by this as I think I normally would be... The main reason is because my incredibly amazing husband went to pick up and deliver our precious cargo to the clinic today. I initially thought I could do it next week, and then something inside made me press to get it done today. And my Mr. being his AMAZING self, obliged. I know it screwed up his schedule and he was frustrated with the short notice, but he didn't give me a hard time about it, even though I know it really threw a wrench in his day.

Thanks Dear.

I really hope this was your last trip over there.

As always, I'll keep you all posted.

A Reprieve

Sorry it's taken so long to update. We were at the clinic long enough to have lunch and for me to read up to the part where Clare and Henry go to the Violent Femmes concert in, The Time Travelers Wife. Everybody can take a big deep breath. The ultrasound revealed one ginormous 23mm follicle. On my left side, thank you very much. WHEW! Hey, if you've never considered the actual size of a mature follicle, 25.4 mm is an inch. AN INCH. No fucking wonder I'm so uncomfortable before I ovulate. Man does that give me a new found respect for all you IVF ladies. Not that I didn't have any before, I just have a better frame of reference now. How do you all do it with multiple mature follies on each side?! I have ONE and I can feel it when I walk. Gah!

So, crisis averted. The doctor said my lining was beautiful, at a little over 9mm. He recommended going forward with the back to backs. So I'll go back in tomorrow morning for number IUI two. We had a count of 24 million motile swimmers today. Not too shabby. I called my acu lady Ms. B. She is going to make a special exception tomorrow, and open her office just for moi. That's a relief too!

Thank you all so very much for your comments and support. Sorry I was so dramatic, and that my grammar was so horrendous (with the: I'm like, and you're like, and we're all and I'm all), and that my cursing was so... profuse. But if you've read my blog before, you'd know I'm sort of a truck driver anyway.

Okay. I feel better. Holy moly, I'm exhausted. I had myself pretty wound up there. Oh crap, poor Brian. That must have been a hoot for him. Yay infertility.

Are You F'ing kidding me?!!!!!!!!!!

I got a positive OPK this morning..... THREEFUCKINGDAYSEARLY!!!!!!!!WHAT THE FUCK????!!!

I thought about testing yesterday, which was CD12 for me, but I was all NAH, should be fine- I'll just start tomorrow. So Last night around 10pm I started to feel the heaviness in my abdomen than I normally feel before I ovulate, but it was on my left side. Normally I only feel it on my right. But I brushed it off. I was like NAH it must be gas or something... So this morning I still had that heaviness and I though you know - I better test just in case. And BOOM a fucking positive Internet cheapie. And I was like NO FUCKING WAY!!!! So I managed to pee just a tiny bit more and used a CBE. Sure as shit, that little smiley is staring right back at me. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY???!!! I was four days late last month, now this?????

So you might be wondering why I'm freaking out so much. It's just a positive OPK,you say. Your clinic is open on the weekends at your service, you say. Well normally this heaviness that I'm feeling? I get the day AFTER my positive OPK. Say I get a positive in the afternoon on say Wednesday. Thursday morning I would go in for mu IUI, then THURSDAY night I would feel the Ovulation pains, and Friday morning go back in for another IUI. SO I'm thinking I'm a day behind!!!! Dr. RAWKS told me that the pain normally preceeds the actual ovulation. So seriously. I'm thinking I'm a day behind. FUCK!!!!

I just heard back from my IUI nurse, I told her the whole situation and she agrees with me that our timing may be off. FUCK. She said they will need to do an ultrasound and if they don't find a follicle then it might be too late, and we might have to skip this cycle. FUCK!!!!

A Little Bellyaching

My Google Reader is getting heavy. She is packed to the brim with updates that measure Weeks and days. My blog roll is beginning to get a little lopsided as well. This revelation makes me both happy and sad. Happy because so many of my IF sisters dreams have finally come true. Then sad, because I'm still sitting on the sidelines. Please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for the many, and MUCH deserved pregnancies. I'm just feeling a little left behind, which is really another way to say I'm feeling sorry for myself...

It's getting harder to imagine a BFP. It just feels really far away. I used to picture myself in the early morning hours rubbing the sleep and groggy blur out of my eyes, only to fill them again suddenly with tears of joy at the mere sight of my second line. I don't do that anymore. I've stopped imagining how the day will be. And how I'll tell Brian. It seems so foreign now. I realize I must sound unreasonably glum considering I'm only on my third cycle. But it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Anyway, today is CD11. I'll start doing my OPK's on Saturday. As long as my cycle behaves this month, I should go in for my next series of IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.

Hey, while I'm on a whining spree, can I just say how fucking tired I am of peeing in Dixie cups?! I never though it would be possible to despise a paper cup, but every time I lay my eyes on the enormous stack in my bathroom cabinet I literally groan out loud, like they're the equivalent of an impending root canal...

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Eureka

I'll call my clinic at 9am, and go in for the first of two IUI's.

It's about fucking time.

Still Nothing....

I sent an email to my RE because I am officially four days past due. He said to call him Monday if I still haven't gotten positive by then... Very helpful. My clinic is open on the weekends, so I'm not worried. Just tired of peeing in and on things...

I've gone through like $70.00 dollars in tests. Almost two boxes of CBE digital OPK's, and the rest of my Internet cheapies. (I can normally get by with 3 CBE's and 3 Internet Cheapies)... I'll be back at target tomorrow morning to buy more tests.

I'm not mad or frustrated anymore. This is really weird for me. Come rain, sleet, or snow, my ovaries have always performed. What are the possibilities that through the last two years we've had MFI, and now that we've come up with a solution my girlie parts go on strike????

Postive OPK - MIA

Okay, sorry I've been slacking. I've been busy...and stuff, I guess. I don't really have a good excuse. Can you forgive me?

So here's my latest update via bullet point.

• I should have gotten a positive OPK yesterday. My cycle for the most part is extraordinarily regular. (I realize that I am lucky)
• Today is CD16 of 31.
• I ran out of the unreasonably expensive Cle.ar.Blu.e.Easy digital OPK's this morning. I can normally get by with 3 or 4 per cycle, because I am SUPPOSEDLY that regular. (My RE prefers that I use that brand)
• I normally buy them from Amazon.com because they are cheaper and I like the privacy and convenience of having them shipped to my house. I went to THREE different stores trying to find more. I went to two this morning before work finally ending up at Targ.et on my lunch, where I found out they cost TEN dollars LESS than the other two stores I went to. And it turns out the Target price is about the same as amazon.
• I looked back at my outlook calendar over the last TWO years where I efficiently marked the day that I ovulated and the day when AF showed. I got positive OPK's on CD18 three times within that time frame. My period then was effectively pushed back three days.
• Fortunately my clinic is open on the weekends so I'm not worried about the fact that I may have to do it then. And actually it's more convenient that way because I won't have to take time off work. (currently doing unmedicated dIUI's)
• I am SUPER annoyed with this delay.

Sorry for the ranting and unwarranted bitchiness. I just want to get this show on the road, ya know???

*********************

Update 8/12/2009 at 11:54am PST

The only second line I have ever seen is failing me. Still NO positive.

I should also say that I was not in anyway stressed or concerned about this cycle before yesterday. I was feeling pretty indifferent actually.

I have been testing 3-4 times per day since Sunday (CD13), so there is NO way that I missed my peak. Also I get cramps and pressure before I ovulate, and I've had none. CM has disappeared as well. Not that there was much of it in the last few days anyway.

Could this be my first annovulatory cycle???

Maybe I should just stick with Clare's comment...

Positivity

Last cycle I decided that I would use the cheapie OPK's (where you have to pee in a cup) as a fail safe to the CBE digital OPK's that my RE preferred. I have used the cheapies for a long time and felt pretty comfortable with them especially because the test line got progressively darker each test, so I was able to decipher when I would get a positive a day ahead of time. I started with the cheapies on Saturday, and began using the digital in addition, yesterday. This morning both tests were negative, although distinctively darker than yesterday. So as per my regular cycle, I'm thinking that I should get a positive this evening, or tomorrow morning. I really hesitated to use the digital OPK yesterday, they are so darn expensive, and I knew I wouldn't get a positive but I wanted to be a good little infertile and follow the RE's directions. Then I began to realize how silly I was being, beating myself up about wasting money by using the digital tests so early, despite the fact we are spending just under 2k on this cycle and I am pinching my pennies at 24 dollars in digital OPK's which are the deciding factor in scheduling my IUI... Looks like the irrational has showed up in record time. Oh but it gets worse...

So because my tests were dark this morning but still negative, I decide to take a cheapie to work and test again around 10am. So I did. And it's darker than this morning but not quite a positive. So I'm like what if that test was funky and didn't quite fill in? So I go home for lunch. Whip out the CBE digital. POAS. Leave it on the sink, and go heat up some leftovers. Come back a few minutes later to this:

Those little signs indicate an error with the digital portion of the tester. The instructions say that if you get this error you should go buy a new pack and use the unopened applicators with the new tester. Fucker. So I leave the bathroom cursing because I need to go buy more tests when I was already unhappy about using up these ones, only to enter the kitchen to find that my dog has eaten the rest of my lunch and is now halfway through a cube of butter. Fucker! So I put the dog out, curse at him, grab a Club Soda, and head to the store.

I get to the drug store and make my way to the pharmacy where they have the HPT's, lube, and OPK's on a prominent display. Grab the CBE digitals. Head to the pharmacy counter so that I can pay for them there instead waiting in line at the main register area, with all the other yahoo's. The girl at the counter seems mildly put out that I am not in fact picking up a prescription but just need to purchase an overpriced item. So she swipes the box of the counter and tells me that it will be $43.28 please. WHAT?! These fucking tests are DOUBLE what I pay for them on Amazon.com. FUCKER. The girl ringing me up actually speaks pleasantly to me while in my head, I argue with her over the price. I get back to work and wait until I have to pee again. 3:45 ish I head to the ladies room. And there it is. Clear as day, the smiley I 've been waiting for. So I put in a call to my clinic and wait for the IUI nurse to call me back.

At this point a new line of panic sets in, as I wonder if my positive test in the afternoon is going to mess with my timing. My RE's directions were very clear. Test in the morning. Call when you get a positive. I remember distinctly telling my IUI coordinator that I usually get a positive in the afternoon, and she didn't seem to concerned about it. But she IS NOT my RE. So I continue down the path of self sabotage and wonder if my timing is going to be way off. While in the back of my head I tell myself to be positive, and let the doctor determine whether the timing is off or not. UGH.

Anyway, my appointment is at 9:15am tomorrow morning. I will make sure to discuss this scenario with him, just in case there might me a next time, so we can change protocol. So wish me luck kids!!! I can use lots of good thoughts, prayers, juju, crossing of fingers, anything you've got!

If you have an IUI experience you'd like to share, I'd appreciate it!

My Forbidden Addiction

I think we've all been guilty of this from time to time. I'm sure I may have even admonished a few of you for what could be considered abuse. It's impossibly inviting, always available, and tremendously informative. It's Google. I am addicted to Google. Dear God, someone please remove it from my web browser, my iPhone, my home page, IF I SEE IT I'LL USE IT!!!

Today was exciting. And then sad. And then empty, because Brian forbid me to use google for the next few weeks. It was exciting because our "cargo" has been transferred to the clinic, without incident. They gave the count of about 60 Million per vial. But supposedly the thawed count will be lower. I spoke to my IUI coordinator today and she said that they will do a complete analysis before the IUI so that I have numbers to obsess over during my tww. That's where google comes in. It looks like our odds are significantly decreased with unmedicated cycles. We are looking at a 6 - 16% chance this cycle, depending on the final thawed counts. Seeing those numbers makes me want to call the clinic and order more vials, because they say it's four to eight cycles to get pregnant. Right now we have enough for three. Annnnd here comes the sad. It probably won't happen this cycle. I know it's early to seem like I'm losing hope. But I just need to be realistic about it.

I'm still happy that we are moving forward. I guess I just need to keep saying that. WE ARE MOVING FORWARD. Even if it doesn't work this time. We're doing something about it.

Gearing Up

Let the impatience begin. I am seriously counting down the minutes until Friday. Brian will be picking up our vials from the Cryo Bank that morning and delivering them via Nitrogen tank, to our clinic. We are super lucky that we are so close to a facility because shipping can cost anywhere from $200 - $500. We are only about 40 minutes away from the CB and the clinic is another 30 from there. He has an appointment with the CB at 9:30am and a scheduled delivery at 10:30 with our Clinic. I just want to know that our "cargo" is safely in the hands of our clinic, and ready to transfer to me next week.

We don't have a whole lot planned for this weekend, which by the way is my favorite kind of weekend, but I still feel like there is so much do to. Fortunately the bulk of that is pampering myself. Yeay. Late Saturday morning I will be meeting up with a very good childhood friend (Hey Weez!) She is one of the very few people I know IRL that are aware of this blog. We're going to do some serious window shopping and grab some lunch. Then later that afternoon I'm gonna get my hair did. Gotta get those highlights in before my tww. And SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, Brian and I are getting massages! Yahhooooo! I have a few Gift Certificates I was given for my birthday, so I'll be putting those towards 80 minutes of Toxin Releasing, Deep Tissue Massaging goodness. Brian is getting one because he works so very hard, and because he was so very jealous about my appointment. But he'll be getting 65 minutes. Ha.

OH MY GOD I forgot the most important part! I start OPKing Saturday morning! I should see a positive on Monday or Tuesday. So I'll go in for my back to back's as soon as I see that lovely smiley face! Sorry for all the exclamation points! But if you've read more than two of my posts, you'd know that I chronically over punctuate!!!! AND I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I AM SO VERY EXCITED TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!!

The Revival

It's been seven months since the last time I used an ovulation prediction test. It was just a few short weeks before we would hear our fate. I can clearly remember the even amounts of anxiety and excitement that came with a positive OPK. It represented hope. Here is a new cycle. A new chance. Maybe this will be the month. The month that we get it right, that the stars are aligned, that we'll beat the odds that were quickly stacking against us as the months wore on.

I made sure to drink enough water to stay hydrated so that my CM would be supplimented, but not too much so that it would dilute the amount of LH that could be detected in my dixie cup, ironically covered in a childlike patterns of circus animals or teddy bears. I used the cheapy ones, not the POAS ones. I am a pro at aiming into a dixie cup by the way. I know exactly how much I need to complete a test, and I'm disturbingly comfortable with handling my own urine.

Earlier this year, at a point when I was really down, I gave away all of my OPK's and all but three HPT's. I gave them to a good friend who would could get more use from them than I could at the time. I just couldn't bear to look at them. They reminded me too much of what I thought I couldn't have. I can see now why it was important that I did. I needed distance from the reminders of everything they represented. The rigorous monitoring that was inducing frustration rather than hope. And the thought of upcoming cycles that only seemed futile after hearing our test results.

I purchased a whole new arsenal of OPK's today. My RE requires that I use them for my IUI next month. I bought them early for this cycle, in hopes that I could I get a grasp on what the time lapse is between my positive OPK and when I start to get significant abdominal pain from ovulating. Yes, I am part of the small percentage of women that have Mittelschmerz.

I was surprised at how overwhelming it felt to make this relatively mundane purchase. The instant charge I felt when I typed my request into the search engine was almost breathtaking. It felt good. Here is a new cycle. A new chance. Maybe July will be the month for us. When things will go right, when the stars will be aligned, and we'll beat the odds.

Movin' On Up

So this cycle I decided to take the easier route in ovulation detection. I bought the Clear Blue Easy Digital Ovulation Kits. They take all of the guess work out of determining what is a positive test and what isn't.

With the tests I was using before, you have to decipher a positive test from a negative test. It shows you two lines, the control line and the test line. The control is always a dark pink line, but the test line varies in shades depending on the amount of the Lutenizing Hormone detected. A positive test is defined by the test line being as dark or darker than the control line. Although occasionally the test line will be difficult to read, part of the test line will be darker than the other so it seems like its not a completely positive test. You also have to pee in a cup and then dip the test strip in. It's a little inconvenient at work.

So with the Clear Blue Easy tests all you have to do is pee on a stick and then it tells you the results with no question. If it is negative it shows a blank circle, and if it's positive it shows a happy little smiley face. Which believe me after trying for so long, a simple little digital smiley can totally make your day. I fully intended to add a picture of that fantastic little smiley guy but I got my smiley at work yesterday morning and couldn't exactly bring my 35mm format digital camera into the bathroom with me. So while these tests are much more user friendly and convenient they are also like a billion times the prices as the other tests. The other tests which I get from EarlyPregnancyTests.com run around $0.62 a piece while the digital ones run about $4.28 each. And in any given cycle you can use anywhere from 3 to 7 tests. When you have a regular cycle.

Anyhoodle, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I got the positive test in the morning and then I had ridiculous cramping and a dull pain on the right side of my abdomen. They call ovulation pain like that Mittelschmerz. And I only seem to get it when I ovulate from my right side. So I'm on to yet another two week wait. Man I'm not sure how many more of these I can take... Commence hail Mary's.

**** Update****

Okay I did take a picture with the camera on my phone. I sent it to Brian to notify him of his pending duties. ;) It just took me a while to figure out how to get it on here.