My Google Reader is getting heavy. She is packed to the brim with updates that measure Weeks and days. My blog roll is beginning to get a little lopsided as well. This revelation makes me both happy and sad. Happy because so many of my IF sisters dreams have finally come true. Then sad, because I'm still sitting on the sidelines. Please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for the many, and MUCH deserved pregnancies. I'm just feeling a little left behind, which is really another way to say I'm feeling sorry for myself...
It's getting harder to imagine a BFP. It just feels really far away. I used to picture myself in the early morning hours rubbing the sleep and groggy blur out of my eyes, only to fill them again suddenly with tears of joy at the mere sight of my second line. I don't do that anymore. I've stopped imagining how the day will be. And how I'll tell Brian. It seems so foreign now. I realize I must sound unreasonably glum considering I'm only on my third cycle. But it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.
Anyway, today is CD11. I'll start doing my OPK's on Saturday. As long as my cycle behaves this month, I should go in for my next series of IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.
Hey, while I'm on a whining spree, can I just say how fucking tired I am of peeing in Dixie cups?! I never though it would be possible to despise a paper cup, but every time I lay my eyes on the enormous stack in my bathroom cabinet I literally groan out loud, like they're the equivalent of an impending root canal...
9 comments:
I feel the same way!! I wish I could organize all of blogs into two groups..pregnant and NOT, so if I wasn't in the mood to read about someone's pregnancy I didn't have to.
You're absolutely right- you can whine any time you want to! It's justified whining anyway because IF sucks big time and is so cruel and unfair. I know what you mean about being happy for other people but feeling left behind at the same time- I had that feeling many times in the past. It's a very strange mixture of emotions. Even though it may seem very far away right now, your day WILL come. I know it's hard to feel optimistic about yet another impending cycle, but I'll just be optimistic enough for both of us, ok? :) Love you!
M - thinking of you.
Oooo. Can I join your pity party? =)
Giiiiiiirl, I feel the same way. I feel like such a schizo. I oscillate from feeling extreme joy for the newly pregnant gals...to feeling extreme depression and jealousy, due to my current situation. It sucks.
Actually, I think that's why my blog has been a bit silent lately. I'll find my voice again, eventually.
I'll keep the faith if you will. =)
I've been feeling the same way too. So many people on my Reader either already have their kids, are in the late stages of pregnancy or recently got their BFP. Then, there's another bunch of people who are only just getting their IF badge. I've been feeling sort of alone as this soldier who's been out there for a long time with no reward.
Can I also join your pity party! I am a new reader to your site but not new to IF. You just wrote exactly how I feel! You are not alone!
OMG! Our cycles are bang on again! Im CD 12 today and starting the bedroom gymnastics. I hope it works out for both us this month - i cant take another month of AF blues! Though like you I am also starting to believe it's just never gonna happen. It feels exactly like you say - no point imagining the happy scenario, if it ain't gonna happen, sigh. But I promise to give you loads of support during the 2ww as our hopes inevitably grow....I will start IUI next cycle though if this one doesn't work out. EEk.
*hugs* I feel the same way, but thankfully us IFers understand and are more sensitive than people IRL. Keep hanging on, I know it's hard but one day, one way or another you will be a mama. Now if only I could drill those words into my brain. :-)
I'm so sorry Melissa. I can only imagine how crappy this is and emotional. You have every right to feel the way you do. As every month I hope this one is the one. I don't want you to have to go through this anymore!!
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