42nd Time Wasn't the Charm

This month represents our 42nd cycle of trying to get pregnant.

Normally AF's appearance would be greeted with a glass of wine and a good cry, but today it means something else.

It's CD1 of our first IVF cycle.
(and hopefully only)

I'll start BCP's the day after Christmas. My nurse gave me our tentative schedule, and I haven't been this excited about anything in a very, very long time. I want a BFP so fucking badly I can taste the after vomit from morning sickness... (too far? oh well.)

12/26 Start Birth Control Pills

12/29 & 1/12 Humira Injections (for Immunology Issues/ Neutralize Cytokines)

1/16 Start Lupron Injections

1/20 Last BCP

1/25 Estradiol & CBC, Blood Tests

1/27 Start Follistim

2/2 Estradiol, Prolactin, NK & TH1/2, Ultrasound & back up Semen Sample

2/6 - 9 Estimated Retrieval

2/9 - 16 Estimated Transfer (they prefer a day 5 transfer)

Beta at 13 days past transfer

Fall 2011 - We become parents

Presumptuous? Yes. But monkeys? I can't afford to be anything BUT hopeful....

Anyhoo, this might be my last post for 2010 (and good riddance to this year, I'm so OVER it). So I'd like to take this take this opportunity to thank all of you who offered unwavering support through my year of "recovery", then wish everyone a Merry Christmas; if that's your bag, but more than anything I wish you all a very, very Happy 2011.

December ICLW

Oh ICLW, you sneaky monkey - how could it possibly be the 21st ALREADY?! Sorry I was a bit un prepared, I'm days away from CD1 of our first IVF cycle and entirely absorbed/terrified/excited about it. This fall we started with a new RE, dubbed Dr.3, whom diagnosed me Ovulatory PCOS (different than Classic PCOS), Elevated TH1 & TH2, and Natural Killer Cells, and MTHFR (2 mutations of A1298C). I've been on Metformin, Folgard, Low Dose Aspirin, and prescription Prenatals since October. BCP's should be coming up right quick!

So here's a little (actually alotta) history:

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only options. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option (our insurance covers NOTHING for infertility, not even diagnostic testing) and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm. In the mean time, we've been doing our best to appear somewhat normal to the rest of our friends and family.

So there you have it. I look forward to reading all of your blogs, and hope you enjoy the last ICLW of 2010!

Tree Hugger

Brian sent me an email Tuesday morning with the Subject reading:

Looks like u two have some things to do tonight.

Teresa my boss/bff was aware of my indecision about getting a tree this year, and last year- but still did her best trying to coerce me into getting a tree; to no avail. I down right refused. So when I got this email from Brian the first thing I did was forward it on to my friend, and a chain of emails quickly ensued.

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:25 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: FW: Looks like u two have have things to do tonight


Check it out. =)

(picture attached)
_______________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:31 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


:) That's so sweet. I want to hug him.
____________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


I know, he totally made me cry.
___________________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


Me too. If you want a friend to decorate with you, let me know. :)
______________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:39 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight

Awwwwwwwww. Thanks, but I think I'm going do it naked as a "thank you".

__________________________________________________

Are you happy now???

Good, me too.

The One Where I'm All Over the Place

I spent the last two days in bed. Watching the heinous excuse for entertainment that is daytime television. Not to mention two movies that equal four hours and fifty-two minutes of my life that I'll never get back (Valentine's Day and Sex and the City 2). AWFUL movies, in case you were wondering...

The two days in bed were brought to me by a hellacious cold, courtesy of a co-worker. I can't completely fault her though, I seem to get sick whenever anyone around me has something. (Elevated Natural Killer Cells, MY. ASS.) Please don't correct me if I'm way off base on the NKC thing - it was a joke and I'm still entirely too foggy to reply with much more than a hand gesture, which you'll obviously never see.. So let's save each other both some effort, yes?

So at the very least I was able to cross a few things off my list. I got the 'Clean bill of health" (ironically) from my GP, along with a copy of my last Pap Smear results. And sent them over to my Nurse Coordinator at Dr.3's office. Whom by the way, is not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, I'm sorry to say. But more on her later.

Speaking of Christmas tree's, we still haven't decided whether or not we're going to get one this year. (Nice segue, huh? Well that's how my cloudy little brain works while stifled by an illness- get used to it.) We've put lights up on the house and a few decorations on this inside but I still haven't come to a conclusion about a tree... We've always been hardcore Christmas fans, and if someone told me that one year we'd decide not to get one, I'd have driven off the closest bridge embankment without a second thought. But about this time last year I had begun my descent in to the sixth circle of infertile hell, and could not for the life of me find a single reason to celebrate. This year I'm no where near that state of mind, I'm listening to Christmas music regularly (not crying on the way home from work every night allows time for radio play) But I still don't feel 100% there. Brian says it's up to me, that if I want a tree he'll be on board, but I just don't know. Part of me thinks that it's a good idea just to get one, in the same way that it's important to listen to upbeat music when you're down instead of indulging the sadness by listening to the melancholy stuff. Which I'll totally admit was not my Standard Operating Procedure in the past - I have to thank cgd for finally getting me to stop that)

Will I regret getting a tree? Probably not. I guess the side of me that's holding out is the side that feels like it wants to put certain things on hold until there is a baby G (or two) to celebrate with... All the while I know it's not okay to put your entire life on hold and allow the infertility to swallow up yet another aspect of our lives. Still I'd be kidding myself if I said that we hadn't been 95% devoured by infertility anyway, because just like raising children becomes a main focus in your life: not having them, as well as the journey to get them, requires the same amount of attention. Would you agree?

Procrastination Nation

Between the lines of inclination and procrastination exists a dimension of balance and symmetry. I know nothing of this realm, simply because I can only function on one side of the spectrum or the other. I excel to the nth degree of practice in each field. Thin or flush, all or nothing.

For I am my own driving force, and adversely, my own filibuster.

Where am I going with this you ask? Well, right after the seminar I was all gung-ho to get this IVF partay started, but the crappy test results and impending financial burdens really knocked me down, and I immediately started to run the other direction. Cause I'm mature like that. Running away is always the answer - something I am totally going to teach my kids. When I have them - oh wait...

So you know those tests I have to go back for? The ones I complained about like two weeks ago? Well I sort of knew about them two weeks before that. And I've sort of been avoiding them. I know, my ninja like dawdling skills are mind-boggling, yes? Fortunately the grown up in me started to remember how crappy it is to have to scramble to get my shit in order, following a procrastination bender such as this. And also how much I'd like to avoid being committed to a county facility, cause Ima' 'bout to loose my shit if I don't get on the road to parenthood right quick. Plus I would be incredibly disappointed if my cycle got pushed back just cause I was being a douchebag.

So here's my list of shit to do:

• Get Brian's blood work requests over to his GP so that he can order them under something other than infertility in the hopes that the miserable bastards at our insurance company will cover them.
• Get my bill of clean health from my GP, and letter stating that my last Pap was clear.
• Get the Tuberculosis test.
• Get the other blood tests for the gene mutations I can't pronounce let alone spell.
• Call to process my application for free IVF meds.

While we're on the subject, an update on the miserable bastards at the insurance company front. The initial statement I received for the denial of claims on my blood panel was evidently only a portion of the blood tests. The immunology stuff was sent to a lab in Chicago and submitted at a later date. So I received a separate letter from the miserable bastards stating THE ALLOWED CLAIMS. Out of the $1,400+ dollars worth of testing for the immunology, I am responsible for $89.00. HOLEE-CRAP-THEY-BOUGHT-IT. Annnnnnnnnd, I called about the other work (the $3,800 in denied claims), it turns out it was sent to the wrong branch and has since been resubmitted and is currently in review for coverage- YARHOO. I know that isn't a guarantee that everything will be covered, but it's a step in the fucking right direction.

So do I feel bad now about calling them miserable bastards?
No. Fuck, no. Not one bit, because they deny shit that should be covered for people in much worse situations than me on a regular basis and for that I hope their descent to hell is a slow and painful one.

Just to clarify.

So who's ready for the weekend?!