I spent the last two days in bed. Watching the heinous excuse for entertainment that is daytime television. Not to mention two movies that equal four hours and fifty-two minutes of my life that I'll never get back (Valentine's Day and Sex and the City 2). AWFUL movies, in case you were wondering...
The two days in bed were brought to me by a hellacious cold, courtesy of a co-worker. I can't completely fault her though, I seem to get sick whenever anyone around me has something. (Elevated Natural Killer Cells, MY. ASS.) Please don't correct me if I'm way off base on the NKC thing - it was a joke and I'm still entirely too foggy to reply with much more than a hand gesture, which you'll obviously never see.. So let's save each other both some effort, yes?
So at the very least I was able to cross a few things off my list. I got the 'Clean bill of health" (ironically) from my GP, along with a copy of my last Pap Smear results. And sent them over to my Nurse Coordinator at Dr.3's office. Whom by the way, is not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, I'm sorry to say. But more on her later.
Speaking of Christmas tree's, we still haven't decided whether or not we're going to get one this year. (Nice segue, huh? Well that's how my cloudy little brain works while stifled by an illness- get used to it.) We've put lights up on the house and a few decorations on this inside but I still haven't come to a conclusion about a tree... We've always been hardcore Christmas fans, and if someone told me that one year we'd decide not to get one, I'd have driven off the closest bridge embankment without a second thought. But about this time last year I had begun my descent in to the sixth circle of infertile hell, and could not for the life of me find a single reason to celebrate. This year I'm no where near that state of mind, I'm listening to Christmas music regularly (not crying on the way home from work every night allows time for radio play) But I still don't feel 100% there. Brian says it's up to me, that if I want a tree he'll be on board, but I just don't know. Part of me thinks that it's a good idea just to get one, in the same way that it's important to listen to upbeat music when you're down instead of indulging the sadness by listening to the melancholy stuff. Which I'll totally admit was not my Standard Operating Procedure in the past - I have to thank cgd for finally getting me to stop that)
Will I regret getting a tree? Probably not. I guess the side of me that's holding out is the side that feels like it wants to put certain things on hold until there is a baby G (or two) to celebrate with... All the while I know it's not okay to put your entire life on hold and allow the infertility to swallow up yet another aspect of our lives. Still I'd be kidding myself if I said that we hadn't been 95% devoured by infertility anyway, because just like raising children becomes a main focus in your life: not having them, as well as the journey to get them, requires the same amount of attention. Would you agree?
16 comments:
I think you should get a tree. Twinkling lights are a mood booster. Why not partake in that?
Hmm. I will say that I believe dealing with infertility CAN be as time-and-energy-consuming as parenting and that it CAN become to main focus of your life. Not sure it has to, though, but it's hard not to let it, especially if you are in the thick of treatment.
I know there have been times in the past two years when treating my IF has felt like a part-time job. . . one that is not-at-all fun and which pays me nothing (and costs me a lot!).
I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, I say live your life and find your joy where you can. On the other hand, I think if you aren't feeling festive, it's OK to recognize and accept that this is where you are at the moment.
Good to "hear" from you!
Yes, not having them and the journey to get them requires so much attention - it's hard to fit anything else in!
I vote to get a tree. Even if it gives you a small amount of happiness, it's worth it. You deserve this reminder of good things!
Tree! Tree! tree!
I do agree with Once upon a time. It´s a mood booster. It´s the little things that help us get through the days.
I wish there was a lobotomy or some kind of procedure that could take infertility out of our heads, so we could move on and have a life. I HATE it.
Well, I hope you get better soon!! Also, If you need ideas for good movies don´t hesitate to ask!
Having been both places, consumed by the pursuit of a child and now parenting one, I completely agree. My brain spent just as much time thinking about 'kid' before he came as it does thinking about him now. Christmas of 2008 after 7 iuis and our miscarriage that summer, I forced myself to get a tree in attempts to be 'jolly' and get in the spirit, but at the end of the day, it felt contrived. So, do it if it feels right, otherwise do something that you love instead with that time you might have spent on the tree.
And maybe this is completely bah humbug but I think decorating is a pain in the arse!
I totally agree.
I'm torn about getting a tree. If you think it will help, do it. My hubby always votes to get a tree and do the decorations as it lifts his mood. Seeing him happy does make me feel a little better too.
You are totally right on about how infertility requires the same amount of attention as having kids. You couldn't have worded it any better.
I understand your reasoning behind not feeling in the mood to do a tree. Ultimately, do what will make you "happiest" which I know that word is not totally applicable here with all the crap you've been handed over the last few years, but you know what i mean. I don't think you'd regret not having a tree, but I also don't think you'd regret having one either. KWIM?
I an a huge Christmas fan....I love everything about it except the 'only two' stockings. I vote for getting a tree---this year we did a crazy silver tinsel one because our house is somewhat 60s mod and I love love love it---it just makes me happy!
And your last few sentences---spot on. I think I'll be using that because it really does explain it well.
Feel better!!!!!
In total agreement over here, Sista. It's amazing how all-consuming the thoughts are while waiting for our little one to get here. Finally. Get. Here. My one friend voiced the opinion early on that if she was w/o kids she would "just" enjoy that time! I had to carefully explain...my life w/o kids BEFORE wanting them was wonderful. Wanting them and not getting them puts you in whole different universe mindframe.
I understand the putting things on hold feeling. We have not had a tree in almost 7+ years of apartment living. (My "hold" is waiting for a house...). We did have a live "mini tree" one year that a friend bought us, that I loved. While I wouldn't have bought it myself, having that mini tree (and mini lights and mini ornaments) was a happy time that year. I know whichever way you decide with the tree, will be the right decision for you.
I hope your hellacious cold is on its way to being long gone. (Ha, I thought your NKC joke was funny. :) And I had been wondering about the SITC 2 movie...glad to hear I haven't been missing out by not seeing it!
Totally thought of you and our other Monkey Sis, Meg, last night -- I gathered up a ton of those branded M&M's!!
First off - I couldn't agree more about SITC 2 - I watched it a few days ago and it was HORRIBLE!!
I agree with you that the amount of energy put into infertility can be all consuming - spilling over into every aspect of life. Last year's holiday season was a tough one for me .. xmas music made me cry and I just couldn't get my "spirit" on. So, I can relate to your ambivalence about getting a tree. But, in the end, I say get one - at a minimum they smell good and are pretty :)
Lots of hugs to you.
Get the tree :-) Maybe having those sparkling twinkling lights will make you smile, even if only for a little bit.
The all consuming nature of IF sucks: It's still clutches my windpipe and cuts off my breath sometimes.
"Still I'd be kidding myself if I said that we hadn't been 95% devoured by infertility anyway, because just like raising children becomes a main focus in your life: not having them, as well as the journey to get them, requires the same amount of attention."- I've said this same exact thing to my infertile friends.
I think you and I are in a similar spot right now. Glad to hear you are not crying every night on the way home. And I feel you on the tree situation. We put ours up but I have zero desire to put ornaments on it. So very weird. It's like I want to crumple up our current traditions and toss them out and build new ones when a baby is here, but not before.
Best decison we've made- going away for Christmas.
I'm sorry about the sickness :(. Illness never helps anyone's emotional state. I do think you should get a Christmas tree. It's like taking a tangible step to be grateful for what you have when everything in your brain can't help but focus on the one thing you don't have and really want.
Love the ending to your post - I totally agree. I hope you are feeling better.
I think you should get a tree. The twinkling lights are pretty and the smell of fresh pine is delightful.
If you are not totally up for getting all of your stuff out, why not just plain do something different. Maybe just put on the lights and then decorate your tree with candy canes and tinsel or string some popcorn. Or cover it in paper snowflakes dusted in glitter--or maybe those should be felt so your tree does not burst into flames. Do something different with this tree.
I'm sorry to hear infertility feels so big and angry and sad in your world right now. The holidays are a tough time of year. Seek comfort from your hubby and loved ones who get it.
Hi there, just visiting from ICLW, I completely agree infertility does take over your life-it's a whole other 24/7 job to think about!And I have been feeling the same about Christmas this year, I did end up decorating one of our huge houseplants though, I see you have a tree now though and a very cute 'helper', what a lovely looking dog!
Best of luck in your jouney and hope you do have a nice Christmas!
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