Christmas

Christmas was a bit of a whirlwind. Though I rarely hear people refer to it as uneventful or low-key. With Leah's party occurring just three days before, and all the preparation that that entailed; on top of all the standard Christmas hoopla: finishing shopping, wrapping gifts, while cramming that all into the regular daily schedule. Plus my last three days of work leading up to all that... It's been nuts, and I am EXHAUSTED. 

But good. 

Really good. 

And grateful.

Christmas Eve, as always was spent with my extended family at my Grandparents house (aunts, uncles, cousins). Everyone contributes an appetizer and we all over indulge in snacks. I think I love Christmas Eve the most. 

It's all laughter, and chaos. It's perfect. 

See that Glass Coffee table near Brian? My Uncle was given a homemade bottle of Kaluha which was sitting on that very table. But my ninja daughter knocked it over in the split second that I turned to acknowledge a thank you, and the bottle shattered into a million tiny pieces. With Kaluha and glass pooling onto the table and carpet, I can tell you I don't think I have ever moved so fast in my entire life. She was fine. The carpet, was not. Fortunately I have a connection to a Cleaning Company, and they took care of it the day after Christmas. And next year it'll be a fun story to re-tell. I hope. 

Not a great picture, but I love that shirt. Which we later changed her out of, because she was covered in Kaluha. It says: "Is It Too Late To Be Good?" 

Christmas morning was quiet. Since Leah had been up late the night before, and had been through the chaos of the previous three days (her birthday). She woke up an hour later than normal; 8am. Barely picked at her oatmeal, then went back to bed at 9 and slept until noon. So Christmas morning, was really Christmas afternoon for us. 

I put her in those striped little jammies, because they were very much like the pair we had her in last year on her first Christmas.

CAH-RAZY to see how tiny she was, just a year ago. 

We helped her open a few packages, and she was entirely interested. She played with the paper, and crawled over to her existing favorite toys across the room. 

Since our families were ridiculously generous, Brian and I Santa went easy. She got a Jack-In-The-Box (actually The Very Hungry Caterpillar) and a few other small gifts.

So overall it was wonderful and I feel so fricken lucky for my husband and daughter, and the rest of my family. I always do. 

But Christmas is just an extra reminder...

Hope yours was lovely too!

And I Lost It

I was stuffing Christmas card envelopes last weekend, when I suddenly and completely fell apart. I just burst in tears. A wave of gratitude and I guess... relief; just bowled me over.

Relief that my darkest days are behind me.  

It's been years since we've sent out cards. In fact it was only three short years ago that I couldn't bring myself to open any of the cards we received, or even get a tree for that matter. 

Throughout our IF journey, Christmas has been particularly painful. (obviously, I know we weren't alone there.) It only reminded me of everything we didn't have. 

But Christmas wasn't really the culprit, the truth is I was a complete and udder train wreck for most of the last four years. It wasn't until the last few months that I have really made the time to reflect on where I was. Part of me thinks I've been too afraid to fully digest how bad things really were. It consumed and effected every part of my life. I let it. I guess you could say I was the poster child for 'leaning into it'. But I don't think I could have done it any differently. That is just how I function. I have to breathe things in, and really feel them in order to process the situation. Boy did I ever. And it was abysmal. 

But now? 

Now, I am obscenely, unabashedly happy. All the time. Sure I've been in a mood from time to time, but truly 98% of the time I am grinning from ear to ear. But I will never forget how lucky I am. And how so many of you, including some very dear friends that I have met through this community, whom are still fighting a very brave fight. Thank Gawd I found this community. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE, FOR BRINGING THESE WONDERFULLY AMAZING BRILLIANT COMPASSIONATE GENEROUS WOMEN INTO MY LIFE. 

**** I wrote this post a few days before the Newton Tragedy. Even the word tragedy feels like an atrocious understatement. I read one of the first reports that came out about it and not a single thing more. I stayed away from facebook. I couldn't watch or listen to the news. What happened... destroyed me. I felt physically ill. I was in tears on and off throughout the weekend, clutching my daughter. Shaking my head as I bit my lower lip trying to keep myself from completely losing my shit, again and again. I don't even know how to process what happened. All I can do is pray for those beautiful little babies, and all of the victims, and their families. This has to stop. IT JUST HAS TO.  

Eleven Months

Dearest Leah,

YOU are Eleven Months now! This past month has been beyond amazing because you have made so many huge accomplishments – your dad and I consider our minds Officially. Blown.

Early in the month you began waving hello and good bye. Which is obscenely adorable because it’s more like a flap, than a wave. But it was so cool to see the first time you really understood what it meant. You were waving bye-bye as Daddy drove away in his truck! And yes, I cried. 

Sitting up in the shopping cart like a big girl!

Halloween was a hoot. We gathered a few of your future BFF's and we partied hardy until 6:30pm! Which was a little passed your bed time, but you did just fine. Until Day Light Savings started and that totally screwed with your sweet little mind. For a week straight you were up at 5am. NOT A HAPPY MOMMA. So we pushed your schedule back an hour and you adapted quite well. Now you stay up till 7pm, right after the Seinfeld reruns are over! (not that either of us get to watch them)

We also celebrated your very first Thanksgiving! The thankfulness took place at your Great Grandma Marjorie's house. Great Grandpa was there of course, too. It was so much fun to watch you with the entire family. You played hard, and then ate dinner with everyone. Not too much of your food ended up on the carpet...

Can't decide if you look more like Silvio Dante or Robert De Niro here...

(not exactly the perfect background but the sentiment is there)

Pulling yourself up onto furniture peeked your curiosity and quickly lead to you being brave enough to move along the furniture, and figure out how to lower yourself down to retrieve the items you’ve flung off of whatever surface you have pulled yourself up to.  And you can crawl faster than the speed of light! I think what cracks us up is how you’ve gotten the concept of “chase”. Except for when we start to chase you. As soon as you realize you are being chased you squeal and roll over on to your back and start giggling uncontrollably. Which makes us giggle uncontrollably. Game Over.

Speaking of giggling. There is one particular phrase that makes you absolutely lose your mind. And we have no idea why. But you literally get this guttural laugh that makes me almost pee my pants. You laugh so hard that you eventually go silent and just shake with hilarity. The phrase is “bless you”. I said it one time after you sneezed, and you got this huge smile on your face. So I kept doing it. And it still works now at any time. It’s almost like instead of 'Bless You' I said “ You are sooooo good looking!" And you totally got it. 

Because you are your mother's daughter. 

You are starting to babble quite a bit more. Making "mehm-mehm-mehm" sounds and "geh-geh-geh" (Giggidy, anyone?) Of course I am praying to hear a MA-MA, but realize it doesn't mean anything until YOU actually know what it means. P.S. Since I started writing this you have now added "Dah-dah-dah" "Buh-buh-buh" to your repertoire.

Every single day with you is more amazing than the last. I love watching you play, and sleep, and crawl. I love the way you look exactly like your daddy when you first wake up in the morning.  Every time you laugh it's almost as magical as hearing your heartbeat for the first time. You are our world. And we love you so very much.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love,

Momma

Happy Holidays! No One Cares What You Think.

TIffany-Amber Thiessen(!) I've been meaning to post something here! But I have been all sorts of busy being an asshole, and ruining peoples lives. Evidently. And also drafting brilliant posts in my head, but never quite making it to my laptop. 

So the asshole thing, let me elaborate...

I have a secret talent.  Well maybe it's only a secret if you've never actually met me. Which is most of you.  So here it is; I have the ability to make my good intentions make me look like an asshole. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with this, but I'll bet you guessed it probably has something to do with my inlaws. And you'd be right!

I basically asked her and the family to only buy one gift for Leah's Birthday and Christmas combined. (Her birthday is three days before Christmas) Because she is tiny and doesn't need much, and we don't have a big house to store tons of crap and I didn't want people going bananas. Oh, and also there are at least thirteen, 13 I SAY, immediate family members buying for her this year. Not including Brian and I.

But apparently that makes me a controlling asshole.

Because of the push-back I got, I ended up consulting a few veteran Mommy friends. They both completely understood my position, had attempted to set similar ground rules themselves at some point, but ultimately realized it wasn't worth the headache of trying to manage other peoples gift giving. 

As one of them put it: "Smile and nod, then Return, Re-gift, or Donate."

So I conceded. Reluctantly.

But you can fully expect an 'I Told You So' Post on December 26th, by the way. Complete with photographic evidence. 

My final thought is this: I can completely understand the excitement from family wanting to buy gifts for the new baby. But was I wrong to presume a little more respect for my request as her parent? I didn't tell anyone what to buy, just requested that it only be one item... 

Maybe I Should Just Pee On Her And Get It Over With...

If you have been reading this blog for any concentrated amount of time, you will know that I am terrible about following up with "catastrophe's" that I post about. So here I am to relieve you from your debilitating state of suspense or otherwise baited breath.

My Mama-Bear issues are still omnipresent. (Unbelievable! Said No One.) I did however, go see my therapist about it. The good news? All of my feelings are "Completely Normal!". She praised me for being able to acknowledge the fact that my feelings, though reasonable, "were not exactly rational or fair". But I FEEL as though the blister on my left nipple would know the difference. Still we talked a lot about what my goals are for achieving harmony, and the fact that my feelings probably won't be going anywhere fast. This is not something that can necessarily be solved, but more like feelings that will fade when I'm dead in time. What's important is taking time to think about how I will approach her regarding any given matter and keeping in mind my mama bear mentality before I react.  Like when she asked me for the extra base for the carseat so she could "Go show her friends". Fortunately this conversation took place over the phone so she could not see the raging hellfire blazing from my corneas. I realize it's not as though she asked to take Leah away for the weekend to go to Disneyland for the first time, and I cordially obliged after privately fuming about it. But I will admit I was a little edgy all day just thinking about it. And last week when my neighbor told me the entire block can hear Leah screaming on the days I am at work, I did not immediately tender my resignation or change our locks. Mostly because I was pretty much already aware that this was happening because my normally very chatty MIL is always sitting on the front porch with a red eyed, pink cheeked from wailing, but ultimately exasperated and just sniffling Leah, ready to hand her over and get the hell out of there the moment my car pulls in the driveway... I know there is absolutely nothing malicious or unsafe going on, I just think my MIL is not great about identifying sleep signals and then Leah gets over tired and turns into a raving lunatic. Understandably so.

I'm also pretty darn proud of myself for keeping my cool when my MIL asked if they could get Leah's first Halloween Costume. Supposedly my FIL's idea. P'sha Right. I calmly smiled and said "I'm sorry, no. That's really sweet, and I think it's adorable that "he's" so excited, but the first Halloween Costume is a biggie". And then I refrained from explaining that she should pretty much forget about asking for any "firsts". Not in a Mamabear way - but in a "that's our long awaited not to mention FIRST and possibly only child, and that pretty much guarantees us any and every firsts. Foreverandeveramen."

Which prompts me to think about the holidays. You may remember my rant about my MIL giving Leah her first Easter Basket. Well, my main concern now is the Christmas stocking my MIL has already made for her. (Another first that she unintentionally hijacked.) Brian and I are on the same page as far as Leah not getting two Stockings. The first reason being BECAUSE SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER. WE are Santa, not grammie and poppop. Number two, and what I'm going to tell people is the first reason most importantly, we don't want Leah to have a lot of stuff. I kept wondering how we could possibly bring that up without making it sound like we were inferring that she would only buy crap. Fortunately she kind of beat me to the punch and inadvertently gave me a great reason. She mentioned something along the lines of wanting to give Leah a gift towards her college fund. BINGO. Another completely valid reason is that they really can't afford it. Well, they shouldn't afford it. Leah will be well taken care of in the present department. Being that she is the only grandchild, niece and baby period on both sides of the family. (We're the oldest.)

So there you have it. While I lack the ability to be a fundamentally good person, I at least have the knowledge and good sense to keep my mouth shut about it to the people it effects. And only over-share my feelings with complete strangers. You're welcome!

A New Holiday Regime?

All of this Easter drama has me thinking about the roles parents play and where holiday traditions with our parents merge with the new ones we hope to start with our little family. And how we're going to handle the holidays to come. 

Going forward, I don't really think Leah needs two Easter Baskets. 

If Brian's parents get her one, does that mean my dad should get her one too? 

She definitely doesn't need three Easter Baskets 
(or four if you count my "Around at her Convenience" mother) 

So now the question goes one step further, what about Christmas Stockings? 

I didn't get an Easter Basket or a Christmas Stocking from either of my Grandparents... 

And as far as I know, Santa only delivers your presents to the house you live in. 

Not Grammy and Pop-pop's. 

There are some tricky parts to this situation. 

Right now, we do stockings for the grownups on both sides of our family. 

Brian's folks do one for us, and my dad does one for us. And we do theirs.

Here's my argument against it from now on.

Number 1 - Neither of our parents need to be spending an extra $20-30 dollars on a Stocking at Christmas. If you count Brian and I and Leah, that's a pretty penny. And we don't need to blow money on scratcher lottery tickets and tiny bottles of booze for them either...

Number 2 - I don't want Leah to have lots of STUFF. A fair amount of toys and books, yes. But not to an excess. It's the principle behind it. She is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. She's already going to clean up for her Birthday and Christmas. I don't want her to get spoiled or think that this type of exorbitance is the norm.


Number 3 - Finally, I feel like this is our time. To be Santa and the Easter Bunny. Just Brian and I. They've had their time... 

 I haven't brought this up to Brian yet, and if he agrees with me, this is going to be a very VERY difficult conversation to have with my my in-laws. Especially because my Mother-in-Law already made a stocking for Leah. And my Grandmother-inlaw made one for Leah for here at the house... But what if I want to do my own little thing for Leah? Why should I be obligated to use these items? I feel like it's my turn to start new traditions. 
I want a set of stockings for the three of us that match, and are our style... 
So what now? 

So I ask all of you. Did you get Easter Baskets and Stockings from your Grandparents?

Tree Hugger

Brian sent me an email Tuesday morning with the Subject reading:

Looks like u two have some things to do tonight.

Teresa my boss/bff was aware of my indecision about getting a tree this year, and last year- but still did her best trying to coerce me into getting a tree; to no avail. I down right refused. So when I got this email from Brian the first thing I did was forward it on to my friend, and a chain of emails quickly ensued.

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:25 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: FW: Looks like u two have have things to do tonight


Check it out. =)

(picture attached)
_______________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:31 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


:) That's so sweet. I want to hug him.
____________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


I know, he totally made me cry.
___________________________________________

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:33 AM
To: Melissa G
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight


Me too. If you want a friend to decorate with you, let me know. :)
______________________________________________

From: Melissa G
Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:39 AM
To: Teresa
Subject: RE: Looks like u two have things to do tonight

Awwwwwwwww. Thanks, but I think I'm going do it naked as a "thank you".

__________________________________________________

Are you happy now???

Good, me too.

The One Where I'm All Over the Place

I spent the last two days in bed. Watching the heinous excuse for entertainment that is daytime television. Not to mention two movies that equal four hours and fifty-two minutes of my life that I'll never get back (Valentine's Day and Sex and the City 2). AWFUL movies, in case you were wondering...

The two days in bed were brought to me by a hellacious cold, courtesy of a co-worker. I can't completely fault her though, I seem to get sick whenever anyone around me has something. (Elevated Natural Killer Cells, MY. ASS.) Please don't correct me if I'm way off base on the NKC thing - it was a joke and I'm still entirely too foggy to reply with much more than a hand gesture, which you'll obviously never see.. So let's save each other both some effort, yes?

So at the very least I was able to cross a few things off my list. I got the 'Clean bill of health" (ironically) from my GP, along with a copy of my last Pap Smear results. And sent them over to my Nurse Coordinator at Dr.3's office. Whom by the way, is not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, I'm sorry to say. But more on her later.

Speaking of Christmas tree's, we still haven't decided whether or not we're going to get one this year. (Nice segue, huh? Well that's how my cloudy little brain works while stifled by an illness- get used to it.) We've put lights up on the house and a few decorations on this inside but I still haven't come to a conclusion about a tree... We've always been hardcore Christmas fans, and if someone told me that one year we'd decide not to get one, I'd have driven off the closest bridge embankment without a second thought. But about this time last year I had begun my descent in to the sixth circle of infertile hell, and could not for the life of me find a single reason to celebrate. This year I'm no where near that state of mind, I'm listening to Christmas music regularly (not crying on the way home from work every night allows time for radio play) But I still don't feel 100% there. Brian says it's up to me, that if I want a tree he'll be on board, but I just don't know. Part of me thinks that it's a good idea just to get one, in the same way that it's important to listen to upbeat music when you're down instead of indulging the sadness by listening to the melancholy stuff. Which I'll totally admit was not my Standard Operating Procedure in the past - I have to thank cgd for finally getting me to stop that)

Will I regret getting a tree? Probably not. I guess the side of me that's holding out is the side that feels like it wants to put certain things on hold until there is a baby G (or two) to celebrate with... All the while I know it's not okay to put your entire life on hold and allow the infertility to swallow up yet another aspect of our lives. Still I'd be kidding myself if I said that we hadn't been 95% devoured by infertility anyway, because just like raising children becomes a main focus in your life: not having them, as well as the journey to get them, requires the same amount of attention. Would you agree?

Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

A Reevaluation

It's amazing what a single conversation can do. How is it that being presented with a simple question, can suddenly change your outlook or assessment of something you felt so strongly about before? This morning I was lucky enough to meet up with the lovely and ever genuine Hillary, at Making Me Mom. She was in town for the holiday weekend and was gracious enough to squeeze in a coffee with me. (Umm by the way, Starbucks is no longer serving the Carmel Brulee Latte. - I know! I almost cried.)

There is such a unique feeling when you meet another IF blogger. Here is this person whom you've never met, but share a life altering circumstance with. So particular is this condition, that it seems only the people afflicted by it can understand where you're coming from. Cultures, religion, or diagnosis have no bearing on this bond you've discovered. The conversations are easy, (once you get passed the meeting-a-complete-stranger jitters. Maybe that's just me though) and there is little space between each thought or sentence.

Shortly into our meeting, Hillary asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about 2009, 2010 and the year ahead. (Since she's out of town she hadn't been able to catch my recent disparaging, and profanity laden post about last year. That's probably a not a bad thing though.) It's sounds like a relatively simple question, but the answer honestly stumped me. I'd been spending so much time resenting 2009, that I forgotten to look ahead at what might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pissed about 2009, but having to discuss it in a civilized conversation made me realize that not all of last year sucked. My husband started his own business, which is something we'd been working towards for a very long time. It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to one. I was in the room when my best friend's baby was born, that was pretty incredible. We've seen a few really good concerts (which is very important to me)... Other than that whole not getting pregnant part- life was just life, and truly - not all that terrible. It wasn't as if I had wasted any time; things just didn't work out like we'd hoped they would. Do I wish we had been a leeeettle more aggressive with treatments? Hell to the Y-E-S. But I don't think we did anything really wrong with them...

And as for 2010, well right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Maybe it's because I haven't looked much passed my Yahoo horoscope. Or maybe because it's only January 2nd, and there hasn't been anything to screw it up. But I'm going to break precedence and therefore my first order of business will not be to obsessively plan out the next six months in terms of cycles and finances (Brian is probably jumping up and down right now), but to enjoy the things I used to do before trying to make a baby took over. Cooking, listening to music, and just being my husbands wife. I need to find me again. And I feel lucky that I have the good sense to do so. You see, receiving that gift from our friends has taken a large part of the uncertainty out of how we will approach our next round of treatments. Now we can move forward when we're ready, not when we finally have some money. It's such a HUGE relief to know we won't be held back because of our finances. That check is so much more than a few extra zero's in a bank account. It took the pressure off of when our next round will begin. And I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to say that.

So thank you Hillary, for helping me see what's really important. Here's to 2010, May it not suck like last year. May a little hope go a long way, and help to bring each of us our hearts desire.

The Longest Day

Well, *deep breath* we made it through Christmas Day, and we're home now. I've been dreading today all month. What was once one of my favorite holidays, is now only a painful reminder that we're still only a family of two. And my heart aches so badly for more. I love both of our families, but I would have been so much happier lying in bed all day instead of having to put on a happy face. Pretending that everything is okay, that there's no gaping hole in my chest, that watching happy movies doesn't make me sad because there's a happy family buried somewhere in the plot, and it only reminds me of what we're missing.

We made it to both of our planned destinations, but not once did I stop thinking about bolting out the front door. I wanted to run away. To bury my face in Brian's chest and open my eyes when it was all over, and safe to be sad again. I don't want smile. I want to grieve the time that we lost this year, and all the failed cycles we had. I'm just so tired. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it's time to cycle again. So I'll have had a break, but not actually have to experience it. And I won't have to remember that yet again, there's no chance for us this month. I'm so tired.