Out Of The Frying Pan

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. Don't get excited - it was negative. I really didn't think that I would see more than one line, but AF is two days late, and I wanted to drink coffee and alcohol guilt-free. Also I think I'm coming down with an infection (awesome) and I didn't want to worry about scrambling our egg with meds- if you know what I mean. And of course, I know you always do.

I keep all of my TTC paraphernalia in a small storage box in my bathroom linen cabinet, and since January it has been tucked away on the bottom shelf, all the way at the very back. I had to get down on my hands and knees just to reach it. And when I finally pulled it out, it took me a good minute before I could actually open it. I suddenly felt very aware that I was on my hands and knees. Being in that vulnerable position, with that box, and everything it represented instantly flooded my mind with images of the person I used to be.

First the good memories; what it felt like the first time I took a pregnancy test out of that cabinet. The excitement, the realization that I was a grown woman, married, and ready to start my own family. The positive OPK's, and how fun it was to make love because we thought we were creating our family. Then slowly the bad memories crept in; the countless tests with single lines. The disdain I felt for the Dixie cups I used to collect my first morning's urine. The frustration of deciphering how dark the line was on the Internet cheapie OPK. The tears that flowed as I slammed that box back in to the cabinet after yet another BFN. And let us not forget the thousands of calories that I consumed to try to ease the pain. Followed by the deepest depression I've ever known.

I could feel my breath quicken, and I suddenly wanted nothing to do with that box. I haven't looked at it in eight long months. No hpt's not opk's, for the better half of 2010. I was different person last time I saw that box - if I opened it again what would that make me? Is this the beginning of the end of the peace that I've found from our eight month respite? When we move forward with IVF in January, will I lose sight of the strength and balance I've worked so hard to regain?

I read so many of the ALI community's blogs, and I ache as I see some of you in that place where I spent so much of 2008, and 2009. Knee deep in the trenches, overwhelmed with frustration and desperation. But still without the slightest waiver of determination in the quest to become a mother.

In the same distinctive way that some feel lucky to have been dealt the challenge of infertility, myself included, I feel lucky that we didn't have the money to jump right into IVF. Because I wouldn't have had that time to heal so many of the battle wounds, to free myself from the reigns of depression, to loose the 30lbs I gained from eating my feelings. To see how unhealthy I was, and how toxic my addiction to TTC had become to my marriage.

At the end of this month I will attend a seminar given by the man who will most likely become our new RE. And four days after that we'll have phone meeting to get us started on our path to IVF early next year. I feel nothing but bliss with the thought of me possibly being pregnant this time next year, but I'm terrified of losing myself again in the mix of all of it. It's just too damn easy to get swallowed up in the whole process. Expectations vs Results, Realism vs Negativity; I'm four months away from all of it, and already I feel like my strategy's are bullshit.

How did you cope? Did you have plans in place to help manage stress?

Gifted

Well my countdown continues to 2011, but until then what better way to pass the time than with bloggy sisters? And COCKTAILS! I met up with a few of my girls this past weekend, Nikki from Our Roller Coaster through Infertility, and Sarang (private blog), AND drum roll please: Lost in Space from No Regrets was in town! It was so cool to have met her, and I'm really grateful she was able to squeeze us in with her other plans. Unfortunately Meg from No Oven for the Bun, who's normally a regular wasn't able to be there but we did our best to pretend like she was.

(Lost in Space, Sarang, "Meg on a Stick", Me, Nikki)

COCKTAILS! and a Monkey Sister toast

After another round of cocktails, we all decided the time was right to throw on a little gift from Nikki, and take pictures with "Meg". How cool is that blogger beanie?!

And though we weren't able to have the real Meg with us that night, I was grateful to have gotten my fix a few weeks before hand. Shortly after introducing me to a fabulous local Chinese restaurant, Meg gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts an infertile could ever dream of: A Follistim Pen.

Used by the skillful hands of a veteran IVFer, she handed me the small blue case that contained to be what I now consider my LUCKY Follistim Pen. This pen helped Meg and T create several little frosties that I know will see the light of day in the not so distant future. It's not only the good juju that comes with this pen, but the generosity and thoughtfulness of her knowing it's one less thing I'll have to purchase when 2011 finally rolls around.

And while I know how fortunate I am to have such amazing women so close by to lean on and have a much needed cocktail with (or three), there are several others I wish I could see on a regular basis too. A few weeks ago I came home from a weekend getaway to a small padded envelope with my name on it...

Inside was a necklace and a card from Murgdan, just to let me know she'd been thinking of me and hoping that time was moving along quickly enough while I wait impatiently for January to come around. Because she remembers how crappy it is to have to wait, and to scrimp and save your way for a shot at becoming a family. That kind of acknowledgement and understanding is invaluable to me. Thank you Murgdan.

The necklace has the word hope, with the written definition on it. It's lovely, and to the point, and I'm wearing it today.

( Sorry the picture is so terrible, I can't find the good one I had taken of it!)

What more can I say? I feel so incredibly lucky to have met all of you, maybe not necessarily in person, but the connection I've made through comments and emails is like nothing I've ever experienced. And I hope you all know how grateful I am for every one of you.

Now go tell one of your bloggy sisters how much they mean to you!

No News Is .... Because I'm Boring

So, yeah... I've been a little MIA... Sorry bout that. Iyah... Don't have a whole lot to say I guess - But how are you? What's new?

Okay Seriously. I'm sorry I've been a little out of touch. It's funny because I always wondered about the people who let their blogs go for weeks without an update. How could they not feel compelled to overshare with general public?! I love writing here, I love that years from now I'll be able to look back at April 9th, 2008 and see where I was in my life... I've tried though! I have several unpublished posts that I started and just felt like they weren't really going anywhere, and I didn't want to drag you along with me. Then I happened to look at my calendar and realized that Sunday will be August 1st. (Holy Crap - AUGUST?!) And I can't let the entire month of July go by without a single update, now can I?

So in an effort to keep my future self posted as to where I'm at in my life on this very day, and so you all don't think I've run off to abduct Jason Sudeikis. I give you updates via bullet point, ala: I'm not dead, I swear.

Da Heyouse - I've wrapped myself up in all kinds of household projects. Painting, organizing, purging - all LONG overdue.

Fund Raising - Remember my 34 year old, non-smoking friend with Stage IV Lung Cancer? Well I joined a 5K Fund raiser for the organization he is involved with and I've spent a bit of time emailing and calling folks about it. I've even gone back on to Facebook (gulp) to shamelessly plug it. (Speaking of shameless plugging, if you'd like to donate to a REALLY fantastic and worthy cause, you can email me at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com)

IF Related -I signed us up for a Seminar that a local RE is doing the last week of September. And I set up a phone consultation for a few days after to discuss our future IVF cycle. Exciting! (It's either a phone consultation or a $500 face to face - free shit is better)

The RE's office sent me a package the very next day after my phone call with tons of paperwork, a dvd about them, and pricing. I also found out we might qualify for a 10-25% financial assistance discount that will be based on our income. I'm pretty sure we'll qualify for one of the two - sweetness!

Countdown - We're 35 days away from Pumpkin Spice Latte's.

Which means we're on the downhill side of the countdown to IVF in early 2011. Hoo-fuckin-rah

Weight Loss - I'm down 21.5lbs total, and I've hit a bit of a plateau. In the last two weeks I've bounced up and down about a half a pound. Which is pretty annoying. Guess it's time to mix up my exercise routine again. 14.5 more to go!

So there you have it. Nothing terribly exciting to post about, but I just wanted you all to know I'm still here. Brian has commented on more than one occasion about how nice it is to "have me back". While I feel like I've been in a good place for at least the last four months, I kind of know what he saying. I'm living my life again, and it doesn't have much to do with TTC or our failure to do so. (though I still demand sex when I'm ovulating). And I think the main reason it's been so easy to let go of is only because there is a silent simultaneous countdown ticking away in my head to when we will finally get to move forward again. So while my world is no where near revolving around it, it is still very much present in my everyday life. And now, if you'd like to discuss Politics, I can contradict myself further.

Melissa G - OUT.

Rightside Up

Dude. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for cheering me on and offering your not-so-unsolicited support. It was pretty fun to feel the excitement in some of your comments. And a little overwhelming because it made me realize that I was excited too.

I am excited. And hopeful. And almost even giddy when I think about how we're going to get to move forward soon. I'm so grateful to be in such a good place right now that it makes me wonder where I'd be had we not been forced to take a break. I've almost forgotten what it was like to cry on a daily basis, or feel slighted by a complete stranger at the grocery store just because they're pregnant. And things are going really, REALLY well with Brian and I, and I've truly cherished every second since I've stopped wanting to punch him in the face (Not entirely his fault, of course). I'm not saying by any means that the feelings about infertility ever went away, I'm just saying that they were much more manageable... Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and preach about taking a break, because really - who in their everlovin' right mind would want to extend their stay in this horrendous land of limbo? I initially planned to forge ahead, not stopping for anyone or anything until I saw that second line, so I know how it sounds when someone tells you that you need to take a break. (Maybe that's where the whole wanting to punch Brian in the face thing started) I'll just say that a break isn't anything you should be afraid of. (btw, I've been relaxed for four whole months and I'm still not pregnant - can you believe that advice doesn't work after all?!?)

So I guess my new found Zen is part of what made me hesitant to announce anything official here about us doing IVF next year. I was afraid that admitting it in my bloggy life might fling me back into the world of emphatically monitoring my cycle days and cervical mucus. And the next thing you know I'm drinking cough syrup with a straw and screaming in the bathroom at work at a used OPK to give me a more definitive line. For realsies.

Okay here's part of the plan. We're going to interview with one more RE. He used to be a part of my old clinic but opened a practice of his own a while back. He deals strictly with IVF, and has built a very reputable on site lab. The other great thing about this clinic is that he offers a shared risk program, and if we qualify we could be eligible to receive 90% of the fee's back if our first fresh IVF cycle, and subsequent FET's don't end up with a viable pregnancy. In which case we would most certainly put that 90% towards another cycle. He will be giving a seminar at a local Hotel the last week of September, and my plan is to schedule an appointment with him for the week after while I'm signing up for the Seminar. Which in reality is only a little over three months away!

So I'm down almost 15 pounds - yehaw! It's exciting because there are a bunch of clothes in my closet that fit now, so I get to wear somewhat new clothes without having spent a dime. Ahhh the fat girl's consolation... A varied wardrobe to accommodate any pant size. So according to my original plan I only have about 11 more pounds to go. HOWEVER, the clinic we're going to go to really stresses the research they've done between the correlation of BFP's and BMI's. So I'm probably going to need to loose another 10 pounds on top of my original goal. Equaling another 21 pounds total that I need to loose... Fortunately time is on my side -for once. So I might just be able to get all the weight off by the seminar. I'm not going to kill myself doing it, it's just a goal.

Anyhoo, thank you again for all of your support and encouragement. I'm truly grateful with all of my heart.

Unplugged

Though my husband would emphatically disagree, I have to say how lovely it is to exist in a place without Cell phones or News reports. To spend your day without knowing what time it is, only identifying it in segments related to meals and shut eye. It must be how my dog feels every day.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any pictures for you. I fully intended to spend a significant amount of time capturing the wilderness I spent almost every summer in during my childhood. But I just never got around to it. Productivity had no part in this trip and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I needed that. To shut down. To unplug. To eat. To laugh. To spend time with people I love. It was so nourishing. It was also however, very, very cold. Sweatshirt weather during the daytime, and beanie and parka weather at night. It most certainly dipped well into the low 30's after sunset which is not exactly something I'm used to. I realize I probably sound like a panzy because some of you live in that type of weather, but how often to you sleep outside during it?

I truly enjoy camping. The smell. The quiet. The time we get to spend with my family, it's wonderful. And something about it makes me feel like a kid again. Unfortunately that something is when I have to trek it to the bathroom in the middle of the freezing cold night. There's just something so unsettling about not being able to see further than the beam of my flashlight that I simply cannot contain while I'm up there. Then once I make it safely back to my tent I spend the next twenty minutes or so trying not to think about how easy it would be for someone or something to murder me while I lay helpless, bundled up in my sleeping bag. Some of you will either know exactly what I mean or think I am a complete nut case. But that will never change the fact that when I'm camping, I am afraid of the dark.

Getting away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has reminded me of more than just how liberating it can be to really shut things off for a few days. It's made me realize how this break from ttc has given me a piece of my life back. And I say "a piece", because I still don't feel whole. But at least it's something. A glimmer of who I was, and what I may be again someday in the future. When the noises of infertility don't invade my thoughts and dreams. When I live my day in small segments of time, instead of two week periods that seem to drag on until I realize that actually months, and years have passed.

I admit that in gaining a part of myself back, I've lost the part of me that yearns to spend so much time here. While I miss so many of you that I've come to know so well over the years, it's also a little painful. To see you move on, to see you fail, to see you waiting, like me, for when you've healed enough, saved enough to move on to the next step - whatever that may be. Being slightly removed from all the ups and downs makes me realize how difficult that world is, how consuming and demanding treatments can be. And I'm awe of the strength you each possess. And I'm reminded of the support you've all given me, and how I hope that I've been there for you as much as you've been there for me. I don't mean that to sound like I'm going anywhere, I just feel the need to clarify my absesnce from your comments and lack of posting here. It's an unfortunate struggle between wanting to know every little update in the lives I feel so invested in, and needing a little space from such an all encompassing saga. I hope that makes sense.

Long Time, No ICLW

I've taken the last four months off ICLW because I couldn't honestly commit to getting all the commenting done. But I'm back now, and feeling better. I typically like to sum up my blog in the introductory ICLW posts, but I'm having a hard time describing my current status as anything but a loud, exaggerated fart noise.

So here's some history!

My husband and I started TTC back in the summer of ought seven. I say it all old timey like that because it literally feels like it was that long ago that our TTC journey began. And I now refer to that time as a completely different era. We were a happy-go-lucky couple that was completely clueless of the odyssey that lie ahead. I genuinely believed we would get pregnant on the first try, imagine that.

Fast forward to December 2008, we were diagnosed with severe Male Factor and told IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After much deliberation we chose donor because it was the most financially attainable, and because we were concerned about the implications that the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast forward AGAIN to December 2009 when we had our SIXTH and final dIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of credit card debt. My RE at the time, and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded, and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great.

And that brings us to the present time: Infertile Purgatory. We're currently emotionally and financially tapped out - (Donor sperm is EXPENSIVE!) You can see our protocol for the IUI's in my timeline up above. Although, none of them worked so I wouldn't exactly say they were exemplary. Anyway. Back to the purgatory. We have no idea what the next step is. Possibly IVF using my husbands sperm and donor for back up, or possibly adoption... We just don't have a stinking clue, or any money to move forward anyway, so here we sit. This break is a blessing and a curse - depends on when you ask me.

At the moment I'm working on some loosing some weight. I went a smidge overboard with the comfort foods, and found myself 26.4lbs heavier than I'd like to be. I'm a Pisces. I love hockey, blogging and this IF community. I don't believe in butter or sugar substitutes. I look forward to getting to know all of you.

Not Even Close

I've entered the loneliest place in my head yet again. It's the room where everyone has it better than me, and I wonder what we've done in our past lives to deserve all this heartache.

Friday night we went to one of my husbands client's houses for dinner. They have two ADORABLE kids. The oldest, a little girl who took right to me. She made almost constant eye contact with me hoping I was paying attention to whatever she was doing at the moment, and she wore my size 11 flip flops the entire night. Later in the evening, close to her bedtime, she got upset while playing a game and she began to cry. Her mother came over to comfort her, scoping her up into her arms, and whispering softly to ease her pain and turn her tears into laughter again. After a few minutes of rocking and a reluctant smile, mom convinced her to go get her prettiest nightgown on to show me.

"Sorry about that, they just cry really easily when they get tired".

I realize now that by the look I must have had on my face she thought I was upset by the little girl's crying. But I get that, hell I cry when I'm overtired - it was witnessing such a tender moment that killed me. Watching her rock, and whisper her daughters tears away is something I ache for to the very depths of my soul. And on the way home it crushed me even more to realize I'm not even close to being able to do that. I cried myself to sleep that night, and I haven't been able to shake it since. It really feels like it's never going to happen for us.

I know this break is important for healing, but how long is it really going to be? Is it just till we have enough money to actually do something? But what's 'enough' anyway? We've been talking recently about moving on to adoption, and while I'm very open to that, it feels like the more we deliberate over our options the father away we are from taking a real step. I feel lost again.

Thankful Thursday

On a regular basis I try to stop what I'm doing and think about how lucky am, and how great my life is aside from IF. Ceejay did a post recently that reminded me it's been a while since I said those things out loud. So here it goes:

• Being on a break: As batshit crazy as that sounds, I am so incredibly thankful that we had no money therefore were forced to take this break. Okay, I'm not thankful that we don't have any money for A.R.T., but I really think this break was much needed, and so difficult to see through my BFN haze. It's really been a good thing for me, and my marriage. There is a certain freedom that comes with not knowing what cycle day you're on. Almost like being a normal person. Well "normal" is relative, but you know what I mean.


• My Husband: My husband who works so incredibly hard to keep the dollah billz flowing in even through this horrible recession. Being a small business owner is no piece of cake these days, yet somehow he's still managing to keep his shit together. Even outside of his business, he's been working incredibly hard to make things better in our marriage. The last eight months have been really challenging for us maritally speaking. Not all the time or everyday. And not to the point where either of us started making other plans. On the worst days though it seemed like not wanting a divorce, was the only thing we had in common. While we're not quite finished, I'm overjoyed to tell you that after a fair amount of couples therapy and a lot of hard work, we're doing much better. I don't mean that to sound like he was the only one who had work to do. This blog should be all the evidence you need to prove I've got my own brand of crazy. Marriage is work. And sometimes, it's a lot of work. And not something you as a couple can handle alone. Which leads me to my next bullet point.


• Therapy: Alone, together, WHATEVER. I think everyone should have a therapist. We're all a little crazy and if you think you're not, well let me tell you something: The really crazy people- don't know they're crazy. And even if you might not need it now, you should consider it someday. My final word: All ttc and no therapy makes Melissa want to climb up on to a rooftop with a semi-automatic weapon.


• Humor: If we weren't laughing, we'd be crying right? Truer words were never spoken my friends. By the way, the last two sentences in my previous bullet point WERE A JOKE, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, but come on people, you know you've been there too. I digress. What I was going to say is that I've lost count of the amount of times I've come a cross a blog post put up by some of you out there that has completely disarmed me, and left me with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. And I'm so, so grateful to know it's out there.


• The Internet: I don't even want to think about where I'd be, had I not found this community. Endless resources, and endless support. I love the Internet.
  
• Wei.ght Wat.chers: I'm down another 0.8 lbs. Not what I hoped for, and I'm trying not to beat myself up for such a lame-o drop, but I guess it's better than gaining.


• Friends, fertile or not: Through this hardship I have learned a lot about my friends, and especially what kind of friend I want to be from now on. I've met some amazing people in the IF community. Ones that I hope to know and keep in contact with for the rest of my life. And my IRL friends, fertile as most may be. There are a select few of them that have been absolutely incredible. The awesome ones know of and have access to this blog. The rest of them can suck it. Just kidding. The rest of them just don't get it, and I won't hold that against them because I wonder what kind of friend I would have been had the situation been reversed. I like to think I would have not been a complete asshole, but you never know. Oh, and I'm not completely out of the IF closet, so some of them just don't know about our problem. Though we've been married for almost seven years, so I'm sure they're wondering. P.S. one of my very good IRL friends is going to do a guest post very soon, so stay tuned!
  

Okay, that's not EVERYTHING I'm thankful for, but those are the first few things that floated in to my teeny tiny brain....

What are you thankful for?

Inconsistency

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, my weekend was better than I could have hoped for. We went to dinner Friday night, did a movie marathon Saturday during the day, then finished up by using my spa gift cards (from Christmas) to get both of us massages! Which were fantastic save one thing. My girls. O-M-F-G do my boobs hurt. Laying on my stomach while the masseuse was doing my back was borderline agony. I almost asked her to stop. I've grown accustomed to the typical cast of characters as far as my PMS goes, but it's been all over the place since dealing with meds. Namely the progesterone. Sore boobs have always been a significant symptom, they'd start getting sore the day after I ovulated, and continue that way until I got my period. But once I started the progesterone the soreness was gone... HALLELUJAH!!! I sort of welcomed all the other crappy side effects from the Prometrium because I had been spared from the two weeks of barely being able to sleep on my stomach because my girls hurt so bad... Actually the worst part was taking off my bra at the end of the day.

But now my last two cycles have been fairly strange. The first period I had after my last BFN was nine days early. And I'm fairly certain I didn't ovulate, I'm one of the freaks who can feel it, and I never had any EWCM. And I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate in February either because again both main indicators were MIA. As was my period, which this time was nine days late. And all the while, my girls stayed silent. Until I got my period, she showed up the day after I finally gave in and tested. (No miracle BFP for us, no way, no how!) So since the day my tardy period showed up my girls have been sore. I finally ovulated on Wednesday last week and from that day on they've gotten even MORE sore - GAH! At one point Brian got so tired of hearing me complain that he barked out: "Jesus, you should go get them checked out!" As if they're sprained ankles or something... I was about to sarcastically thank him for his compassion when he quipped that it would probably suck a lot if his boys were sore for weeks at a time. Indeed, Sir.

Anyone else have anything like that? - Odd cycles and strong PMS symptoms after stopping medicated cycles?

Anyway, where was I ? Right - the weekend. So yes, I had a lovely birthday although I insisted that Brian not call it my "birthday weekend" and just call it my "me-time". I didn't really want to acknowledge it much. Thirty one - oy vey. It's not that I feel old or anything, it's just absorbing the fact that I'm not twenty-two anymore. Which in a way - thank gawd for that. But you know what I mean... Back to my "me-time" I think hands down the best part of my weekend was having Brian all to myself. He's been pretty busy with his company as of late, so it was quite the treat to steal him away. Thanks for spoiling me dear.

Radio Silence

I've had plenty to write about lately, but just not the urge to write. Which feels strange to me. There have been many moments over the last two plus years where I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to come here and lay it all out. Every thought. Every feeling. Leaving no detail unwritten. But lately I find that I'm less and less inclined to share. Not because I think the details of my goings on these days are any less important, but because my feelings aren't bubbling over the top anymore. This break from trying - it's starting to become more than a getaway and more like an extended leave. Don't get me wrong it's not like all the baby thoughts have magically disappeared- All the normal stuff that bothers us infertile's still stings, but the voices that echo the pain back and forth have begun to grow still, and I can hear myself think again.

It's kinda nice.

So as much as I hate to admit it our old RE was sort of right about seeing a urologist. He was a really cool Doctor, and aside from being extremely knowledgeable about IF, he was just really funny and warm, and didn't BS us. And in the middle of the appointment he stopped what he was doing and told us he hopes it happens for us soon because we're going to be great parents. It was just so sweet of him to say, he sounded so genuine it kind of caught me off guard. And then he asked Brian to turn his head and cough.

So other than concluding the appointment with information we already knew, we did at least get some reassurance about Brian's Testosterone levels, which our most recent RE told us to look into. Brian's results were on the higher side of being boarder line, but it turns out that his test was done at 1pm, when testosterone levels should be checked at 8am... So this doctor said they would more than likely be normal if we were to test again at the correct time. Which makes sense cause Brian usually has a five o'clock shadow by noon. So next we'll probably do the DNA fragmentation test with our current RE because they give a discount to those who have no IF insurance coverage.

In other news we're going to interview one more RE. He's very well established, and closer to home than our current RE, so if we like him and the cost won't be much different then it'd be nice to be so close to his office. And while I feel it's necessary to finish up some testing and check one more doctor off our list, I also think it's important that I tell you all how far away our next treatment will probably be. We haven't set a date for when we're jumping back on the ttc train, and we're not going to. Partially because of finances and partially because I am REALLY not ready. I still can't believe I feel that way, and I remember shaking my head when reading a statement like that on other blogs. I couldn't identify with not wanting to pursue treatments. But right now, I need to focus on me and Brian. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it feels SO GOOD. The clouds are slowly lifting, and I'm head over heels for my new found freedom from heartache. Yes, I still think about babies, and everything we've gone through. I still haven't gone back on Fac.ebook to avoid a pregnancy related status update. But the wait/weight is gone. I'm not going to let anxiety and frustration rule my life anymore. Until I start cycling again anyway.

Recluse

I've been slightly antisocial lately (in real life). It's actually been a conscience effort on our part to keep social engagements to a minimum, and its been really nice. We have Yoga and Therapy on separate nights during the week, and on the weekends I've been turning most invitations down. I honestly feel like I just don't have much to give in the way of friendships right now. There is a small part of me that feels bad because the people I have been turning away are largely the ones who've been very supportive to us. And I'm grateful for that. But me and my marriage come first. Brian has been working A LOT lately, so the little free time he does have - I want all to myself.

The other part I guess is that I'm starting to feel that I have less and less in common, as most of them are pregnant or have children now. I realize they are still people, still my friends outside of being Mother's and Father's, but right now that's pretty difficult to look past. They have bigger priorities then making it to a Sharks game on time, or making it to Yoga before the good spots are taken. I realize this sort of sounds like a pity party. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, I guess it's just my lame attempt at justifying my absence.

Do any of you find yourselves keeping a low profile from your friends?

(Teresa, Jessica, (my IRL friends) I love you both, please know it's nothing personal - nothing you have done wrong. Thank you for being so understanding, and supportive. It means the world to me, and I hope I can repay your loyalty someday.)

.................................

On a less depressing note, I received the Beautiful Blogger Award from Latebloomer, Jackiemac and Clare. Thank you ladies!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


Seven interesting things... What haven't I already over shared with you people? Seven more things huh? Alright:

1. I am a thoroughly fascinated by the paranormal, and have experienced a few unexplainable incidents myself.
2. I'm turning 31 in less than a month. Ugh. And go Pisces.
3. I have a crush on Paul Rudd.
4. In March I will be heading to Atlanta to meet a few ladies that I found online about a year and a half ago. They belonged to a board for women who'd been trying to conceive for over a year. These ladies were the glue that held me together, they walked me through the first steps in testing, and virtually carried me through enduring the results. I say this not to dismiss the support I've gotten from all of you, it was just before I knew you all existed. I had this blog then, but I had no idea about the IF community or even what ICLW was. Not all of them are able to be there, but I am so, SO excited to meet at least a few of them. More to come on this - I promise.
5.Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I absolutely adore anything that has to do with Fall. And in the last few years I've come to like Halloween more than I care to admit.
6. Though we're starting to lean in favor of it, I am slightly terrified of IVF.
7. I really struggled coming up with seven interesting things to write about myself.

And the lovely ladies I'd like to nominate:

1. Tori at Fertility Wishes and BFP Dreams
2. RJ at Baby OCD
3. Alice at My Elusive Baby
4. Mugsy at Drive Fast. Take Chances.
5. Carli at It's Only Life
6. Jo at MoJo Working
7. Melissa at Melissa's Thoughts and Realizations

Please check out their blogs when you get a second. I promise you won't regret it!

Eventually

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. We did end up making it to our friends house, and we did give them the Sharks stuff. I wish I could say it was because I found a new source of inner strength, but the truth is I really hated the idea of putting it off any longer. I'd been dreading this visit for months now, and the thought of it looming over my head for even longer seemed a worse consequence than suffering for a single hour. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it still sucked ass. Seeing the baby wasn't too bad (I remembered I actually like babies) it was watching the blissful grandparents and great grandparents shine over the newest family member. Just the thought of our grandparents not being around to meet our child(ren) breaks my heart. And in a way I feel like we've failed them. Seeing my friend (the daddy) all oowey gooey over his daughter was rough too. I don't blame him though, I'm sure Brian will be the same way. (SOMEDAY) It's just hard because this should have been us- two years ago.

............................................

We still haven't made any progress with making a decision about our next step. My opinion changes on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, but I'm doing my best not to burden Brian with each of my newest conclusions. God knows he's put up with enough of my crazy already.

The only good news is that I don't feel pressured by time or the pure ache to be cycling/doing SOMETHING. I am somewhat content with taking as much time as we need to figure out what is the best option. Which helps me find peace when I start to get too deep in to contemplation.

......................

Several weeks ago I was reading a post by S at Misconceptions about Conception, when she wrote about a necklace she had purchased from Et.sy. When I saw it I immediately fell in love with idea of what it represented. And at the time was in dire need for a little retail therapy...

I love this necklace. And I wear it often. I feel like everyone still in the battle should have one to wear proudly. To rub between their fingers when they walk past a pregnant woman, or visit new parents in the hospital, or dodge the "when are you having kids?" conversation.

I wish I could give one to all of you. But can't. I can only give out one. When I made this purchase before my last failed cycle I decided that I would buy two. I thought that if I finally got my BFP that month I could share this with you to say: "See? It will happen, Eventually". And if I didn't get my BFP, I knew I could still hold my head up knowing that so many of you have dealt with failures, and that you can still say: "It will happen, Eventually".

I did not get any sponsorship for this. It's just something I really want to do. I tried to come up with some really creative ways to pick a winner, but the truth is I'm just not that creative. So I'm going to do a good old fashioned drawing.

To enter, please email me with your Name and Blog address at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com. If you are the winner I will contact you via email before I post anything here, to make sure that you're okay with me posting about you. My only request is that participants are ones who are still battling IF. Please make sure your entries are in by February 15th. I will pick a winner and post about it shortly thereafter.

Good luck!

Happy Time: O-V-E-R

I've been away from Fac.ebook for several months now, I'm sure you can all figure out why. Only popping in to accept a friend request or return a message. Until last week when I peeked with one eye open at my home page to see what some friends where up to. I was pleasantly surprised to see only the mundane mentionings of the coming weekend, and a picture of a new tattoo.

Then silly me, thinking that the water would be safe, I stuck a toe in this morning only to be greeted by TWO pregnancy announcements!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I swear that place isn't going to be safe for me until I'm in menopause... And who knows if even then I'll be okay with it... Who can say how long IF will really stay with you. As of right now I can honestly say that I feel as though I am forever changed. I don't really think that pregnancy announcements will always sting as much as they do now, but I wonder how they will feel ten years from now, or even five. Will I still feel resentment for those who get pregnant easily?

And I have a confession to make... Lately I've started to feel a sting from announcements within the IF community... But it's not resentment. Those pregnancies, were hard won and I'm proud of the ladies who fought and finally won their battle. It's just that their happy news reminds me of what I'm still missing... And the longer I find myself sitting on the sidelines, the harder it is to keep sincerely cheering everyone else on. Ugh, I really hate admitting that, and I'm truly sorry if it hurts any ones feelings - that is most certainly not my intention. I feel like a complete asshole saying that, but I know if there's anywhere I can be 100% honest, it's here.

I really don't want those two announcements to bring me down, but damn it. I was hoping that being on a break would soften the blow of any news I got, because I wouldn't be knee deep in treatments or a tww. But they still suck just as much...

Okay. ENOUGH whining. Back to having some semblence of a normal life. I liked it a lot better that way. Being sad sucks.

I'm Late

For International Blog Delurking Week.

What did you think was late? My period?! BWAAAHAHAAHA!!!

Sheooooot I don't even know what cycle day I'm on, but I know it's way too early to see that bitch! You've just entered TTC vacation territory friend, and let me tell you the water is warmer than my belly after a lovely glass of Vodka neat.

Follow me, I'll give you the nickel tour... On my left we have a Yoga class where I won't have to worry about squishing or distressing a potential fetus. Followed by books that have nothing to do with infertility or trying to get pregnant. After that there is a glass, and sometimes even a half a bottle of wine. Red or White. Depends on what I'm cooking. Then on my right, we have a modest amount of soft cheeses, (cause I'm trying to watch my girlish figure) but dayum I forgot how good Feta tastes on a salad. And the grand finale of: Idon'thavetaplantherestofmymontharoundpoppingpillsorgettingintostirrups.

So far this break is going SO much better than I had anticipated. Every day I feel better and better. I've really been able to focus in on everything I enjoyed before my life was consumed by Infertility. You might remember the list I created a few weeks ago when I talked about the things I would do to better myself if I had to take a break? Well I'm proud to say that I have made a reasonable dent in that list.

1. Donate Blood: I'm going in on Saturday. I'm O+.

2. Lose some weight: Already going well, I've lost about three pounds to date. I'll be putting up a ticker shortly to help keep myself motivated.

3. Try Yoga. Started on Monday - it's great. Would you believe that Brian is doing the class with me? I really think it's going to be great for him as well.

4. Mend my broken heart. She's getting there. Today is probably the best one so far. Not for any particular reason. I just feel good. But I am completely aware that I still have a very long road ahead of me.

5. Read More. I have three new books, and three that have been at my house for MONTHS that I never got around too. I've started one, so I'm going to do my best to get as far as I can this weekend. I'm a sloooooooow reader, so I know I won't be able to finish it by Monday.

So anyway, back to the topic at hand. Delurking. We're all guilty of it. Please give me a little wave just to let me know you're there. You don't have to leave a monologue, just a simple "present" will do. Or you can recommend another book for me to read.

And I promise to do some delurking as well.

A Reevaluation

It's amazing what a single conversation can do. How is it that being presented with a simple question, can suddenly change your outlook or assessment of something you felt so strongly about before? This morning I was lucky enough to meet up with the lovely and ever genuine Hillary, at Making Me Mom. She was in town for the holiday weekend and was gracious enough to squeeze in a coffee with me. (Umm by the way, Starbucks is no longer serving the Carmel Brulee Latte. - I know! I almost cried.)

There is such a unique feeling when you meet another IF blogger. Here is this person whom you've never met, but share a life altering circumstance with. So particular is this condition, that it seems only the people afflicted by it can understand where you're coming from. Cultures, religion, or diagnosis have no bearing on this bond you've discovered. The conversations are easy, (once you get passed the meeting-a-complete-stranger jitters. Maybe that's just me though) and there is little space between each thought or sentence.

Shortly into our meeting, Hillary asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about 2009, 2010 and the year ahead. (Since she's out of town she hadn't been able to catch my recent disparaging, and profanity laden post about last year. That's probably a not a bad thing though.) It's sounds like a relatively simple question, but the answer honestly stumped me. I'd been spending so much time resenting 2009, that I forgotten to look ahead at what might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pissed about 2009, but having to discuss it in a civilized conversation made me realize that not all of last year sucked. My husband started his own business, which is something we'd been working towards for a very long time. It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to one. I was in the room when my best friend's baby was born, that was pretty incredible. We've seen a few really good concerts (which is very important to me)... Other than that whole not getting pregnant part- life was just life, and truly - not all that terrible. It wasn't as if I had wasted any time; things just didn't work out like we'd hoped they would. Do I wish we had been a leeeettle more aggressive with treatments? Hell to the Y-E-S. But I don't think we did anything really wrong with them...

And as for 2010, well right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Maybe it's because I haven't looked much passed my Yahoo horoscope. Or maybe because it's only January 2nd, and there hasn't been anything to screw it up. But I'm going to break precedence and therefore my first order of business will not be to obsessively plan out the next six months in terms of cycles and finances (Brian is probably jumping up and down right now), but to enjoy the things I used to do before trying to make a baby took over. Cooking, listening to music, and just being my husbands wife. I need to find me again. And I feel lucky that I have the good sense to do so. You see, receiving that gift from our friends has taken a large part of the uncertainty out of how we will approach our next round of treatments. Now we can move forward when we're ready, not when we finally have some money. It's such a HUGE relief to know we won't be held back because of our finances. That check is so much more than a few extra zero's in a bank account. It took the pressure off of when our next round will begin. And I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to say that.

So thank you Hillary, for helping me see what's really important. Here's to 2010, May it not suck like last year. May a little hope go a long way, and help to bring each of us our hearts desire.

The Unexpected

So I think it's fair to say Christmas was definitely a low point for me. I'm a little embarrassed about my post because it was so raw, but I don't under any circumstance, regret it. That's how I felt in that very moment. And as much as I wish I didn't have to hurt so much, it is was it is. I do want to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments. I wish I could properly express just how very much they mean to me.

I've felt a lot better since writing that post. I've been able to really see how beneficial this break is going to be for me and Brian. I'm looking forward to not having any monitoring appointments or popping any pills- orally or otherwise. I'm also looking forward to a consistent flow of wine. And rebelling against everything I've felt as an infertile, I'm finding a sort of peace in knowing that any twinge I feel below means nothing. No wondering how many follicles I'll get, or having a two week wait to endure. I'm learning to let it all go. I don't know where this sense of calm came from. But I could tell it was real because I wasn't worried anymore about how soon we'd be able to cycle again. And I knew that even if we had the money I wouldn't want to cycle this month. Or even the month after that. And yes the fact that we're in between RE's effects whether or not we're doing treatments. But I feel like that is just another reason to support this break. My sense of peace and acceptance of this hiatus is pretty unexpected. I was sort of prepared to be tortured by knowing I wouldn't have any of the things that I just listed. But for some reason I just felt like I was going to be okay.

I can honestly say that a lot things that happened to us this year were unexpected. Choosing to use Donor Insemination to start our family. The support I've found in the IF blogosphere. Six failed IUI cycles. Okay I'll admit that I always knew the failed cycles were a possibility, but definitely not six of them in a row. Another thing I didn't see coming was the incredible generosity we would encounter sometimes from unlikely sources.

I don't often talk about my childhood, but I feel like there are a few things in my past that are relevant to the rest of this post. My parents divorced when I was four, and my dad got custody of my brother and I. My best friend Teresa and her family lived down the street from me for most of my life, and I always thought of myself as part of their family. Teresa's mother is one of the warmest, and most genuine women you could ever hope to meet. And she's always been like a mother to me. Of course her father is wonderful too. He's an amazing man, and love him to pieces. I just have so much respect for them. They live a very honest life, and I think they raised a couple of amazing children. I haven't ever really talked to them directly about our situation, mostly because the times that I see them are in very social situations and just inappropriate for the setting. But I knew that they knew, and in passing her mom told me she was praying for us. Which I was grateful for. There was always a sort of advocacy in her eyes, an unspoken vow of support that was clear as day when ever she kissed me hello. But when she and her husband came to my office yesterday, and pulled me into a private room, I had no idea what they were about to do. They started by telling me how much they love Brian and I, and how badly they want to see us succeed at starting a family. And while they were doing that, "mom" reached into her purse, pulled out an envelope, and slid it across the table to me. While their generosity is no surprise, this gesture was thoroughly unexpected. I won't say how much it was, but I'll tell you it's more than enough to get a good start on our next cycle. We fully intend to pay them back, and while they said they weren't expecting it, we feel it's something we must do. Not because of the monetary value alone, but based on the principal of repaying their generosity. They've already done so much for me, in so many ways. I'm just overwhelmed by their compassion and kindness.

Then today, while still riding the high of yesterdays surprise, I got a call from Brian while I was at work. The type of work he does involves working closely with people in their homes. One of his most recent clients, is a lesbian couple who used donor insemination to start their family. Brian is an incredibly open person, and has had more than one conversation with them about our struggles, which I was well aware of. But imagine my surprise when he called to tell me that they had offered us their remainder vials. Now there is A LOT involved in considering their offer, but again I feel overwhelmed at the gesture of their generosity. Not only is that a gift worth a lot of money, but we could potentially share a genetic link with their children... That is a big gift, and a huge leap of faith.

I just don't know what to say. I'm so very overwhelmed by the recent gifts that we have been offered. I hardly know how to express my love, and gratitude... I feel so, so lucky. This is all just so unexpected. If for some reason I don't sound appropriately grateful it's because I am still in shock. Actually,"in shock" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Over and Out

I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.

Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.

I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.

Terms and Conditions

This holiday season continues to be blah for us. I never got around to decorating the inside of the house, or even getting a tree for that matter. Neither of us really feel like it. We do have the lights up on the outside of the house, which looks magical as always. Brian really does a hell of a job at that.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to have to take a few months off to pay down some debt and save up some money. I really hate the thought of not being able to cycle, but we have to be financially responsible. In order to keep my eyes on the prize I've come up with a few goals that I'd like to accomplish during our down time.

1. Donate Blood: this is something I have wanted to do for years, but ttc has gotten in the way.

2. Loose some weight: I have really abused desserts and spitefully indulged in soft cheeses as way of coping with my anger, frustration, and overall sadness that has come with dealing with IF.

3. Try Yoga: I've always been intrigued by it, but never made much of an effort to explore it. I may have to start with a video of some sort because classes seem to be pretty pricey and I'm going to scrimp and save every single penny I can while we're on this break.

4. Mend my broken heart: I want to shed the heaviness that has held me for so long. I have to.

5. Read more: There are tons of books that I want to read, but for some reason I haven't made enough of an effort to get around to them.

That's all I have so far. I may come up with more, during the copious amounts of spare time I'll have. I also already made an appointment with a new RE for the end of January. It's not that I'm already discounting this cycle, I'm just trying to be proactive. In case our new RE wants to run some tests, I don't want to have to wait until we're ready to cycle or close to it. I really want to be prepared.

My tww is going well so far. I'm 6dpiui today, and feeling the same as always. Definitely hopeful though, and praying that we finally get our BFP.