Taking It All In and Blocking It Out

My title makes me think of Kevin Nealon in Happy Gilmore: "Harness Good, Block Bad"... Anyway.

Thank you all for your comments/thoughts and prayers and texts, in some cases. They really meant a lot. 

I was pretty down when I wrote that post, and was feeling helpless and terrified. I tend to wallow in things, to breathe them in for processing. But I didn't want to do that this time. Still I jumped on Doctor Google, and for once he put my mind at ease. If there are cancer cells, it will indeed be very early stage and it can be sucessfully treated. Which made me feel a bit better. 

So I have mostly just been trying to keep my mind off of it. My biopsy is Tuesday, and Brian will be going with me. They will give me a local to numb the area, and from start to finish it should be about 90 minutes. I'll need to take it easy for 24 hours, meaning no lifting Leah. I should expect tenderness for a few days and bruising for a few weeks. They will send the Biopsy to Pathology, and I should have the results within 72 hours. Which means, I should have them before next weekend. Nice to know I won't have to wait too long. 

I think the questions that keep running through my head are: 

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF?

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two)

Does the concentration of calcification put me at higher risk to develop Breast Cancer?

If they are pre-cancerous or even cancer cells, does getting them at such a young age (34) mean I am at a higher risk to develop more in the future?

To Be Continued...

Inconclusive

I had a sinking feeling from the very beginning that I wouldn't get the all clear from my Mammogram. They found "A concentration of calcification" and they "want to rule out anything abnormal". I should preface this with exactly what the doctor told me. That 80-85% of the time it turns out to be nothing. But the other 15-20% finds either pre-cancerous cells, or early stage cancer.

My appointment was this morning. They had me scheduled for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound. They told me the appointment would run about an hour and fifteen minutes or so. Within 15 they had me in the room and undergoing the mammogram. I thought it seemed odd when several of the other women I had come in before, had already come and gone. Then the technician came back and told me we needed to take some more pictures. And my heart sank. After they got the extra shots they immediately took me back for the u/s and the technician did her thing (they of course, can't tell you anything) and when she finished she didn't tell me to get dressed. She said to stay put and that the doctor would be right in. The tech noticed me trembling and brought back a warm blanket, while I starred blankly at the ceiling.

When the doctor came in she was smiling and very perky. Which at the very least distracted me for a moment. She said "Okay, you look terrified so let me first say.... I did not see anything in your xrays that screamed CANCER, or anything big bad and scary. What I did see was a concentration of calcification." She went on to tell me that I would need a "Stereo-tactic Core Needle Biopsy". She said that she had had one herself and it turned out to be nothing, she does them on a dailly basis and most of the time they are nothing. I asked her to clarify, if it is SOMETHING, what's next. She said it could be pre-cancerous, which is technically not even cancer. Or it is in the very, very early stages of cancer. 

I know that the odds are descent that all of this will in fact be fine. But I can't help but feel terrified and completely out of control.  My immediate thoughts go to anger and death. The anger part of me says "FUCK YOU CANCER, and immediately makes me want to sign up for a double mastectomy with reconstructive surgery. And the other part says, I cannot leave my daughter and husband.  I cannot fill her early years with me in the hospital, and sickness. What the fuck???? I don't mean to come off dramatic, I am just really really scared. The doctor was the head of the department and she will be doing the biopsy herself. She was really nice and very clear about how scary it feels. How the next few days might be rough ones. She said the worst part is right now, when you have no answers. And I thought, Fuck, I know. I've been there before...

No News Is .... Because I'm Boring

So, yeah... I've been a little MIA... Sorry bout that. Iyah... Don't have a whole lot to say I guess - But how are you? What's new?

Okay Seriously. I'm sorry I've been a little out of touch. It's funny because I always wondered about the people who let their blogs go for weeks without an update. How could they not feel compelled to overshare with general public?! I love writing here, I love that years from now I'll be able to look back at April 9th, 2008 and see where I was in my life... I've tried though! I have several unpublished posts that I started and just felt like they weren't really going anywhere, and I didn't want to drag you along with me. Then I happened to look at my calendar and realized that Sunday will be August 1st. (Holy Crap - AUGUST?!) And I can't let the entire month of July go by without a single update, now can I?

So in an effort to keep my future self posted as to where I'm at in my life on this very day, and so you all don't think I've run off to abduct Jason Sudeikis. I give you updates via bullet point, ala: I'm not dead, I swear.

Da Heyouse - I've wrapped myself up in all kinds of household projects. Painting, organizing, purging - all LONG overdue.

Fund Raising - Remember my 34 year old, non-smoking friend with Stage IV Lung Cancer? Well I joined a 5K Fund raiser for the organization he is involved with and I've spent a bit of time emailing and calling folks about it. I've even gone back on to Facebook (gulp) to shamelessly plug it. (Speaking of shameless plugging, if you'd like to donate to a REALLY fantastic and worthy cause, you can email me at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com)

IF Related -I signed us up for a Seminar that a local RE is doing the last week of September. And I set up a phone consultation for a few days after to discuss our future IVF cycle. Exciting! (It's either a phone consultation or a $500 face to face - free shit is better)

The RE's office sent me a package the very next day after my phone call with tons of paperwork, a dvd about them, and pricing. I also found out we might qualify for a 10-25% financial assistance discount that will be based on our income. I'm pretty sure we'll qualify for one of the two - sweetness!

Countdown - We're 35 days away from Pumpkin Spice Latte's.

Which means we're on the downhill side of the countdown to IVF in early 2011. Hoo-fuckin-rah

Weight Loss - I'm down 21.5lbs total, and I've hit a bit of a plateau. In the last two weeks I've bounced up and down about a half a pound. Which is pretty annoying. Guess it's time to mix up my exercise routine again. 14.5 more to go!

So there you have it. Nothing terribly exciting to post about, but I just wanted you all to know I'm still here. Brian has commented on more than one occasion about how nice it is to "have me back". While I feel like I've been in a good place for at least the last four months, I kind of know what he saying. I'm living my life again, and it doesn't have much to do with TTC or our failure to do so. (though I still demand sex when I'm ovulating). And I think the main reason it's been so easy to let go of is only because there is a silent simultaneous countdown ticking away in my head to when we will finally get to move forward again. So while my world is no where near revolving around it, it is still very much present in my everyday life. And now, if you'd like to discuss Politics, I can contradict myself further.

Melissa G - OUT.

Blogher Anyone?

When you're open with your friends about your infertility, it can sometimes negatively effect/impact those relationships. Especially when they get pregnant. You may remember the friends I mentioned who avoided us for several months, then finally called us when they couldn't hide it anymore were twenty weeks along. Then to add insult to injury I never got an invitation to her shower... It was later determined that her mother had used the address list from her wedding (Brian and I were both in the wedding party) which had our old P.O. Box listed, so I never got it. Even though we have gone to see their baby, and Brian and the husband keep in contact, our friendship has never been the same. And occasionally whilst taking stock of things, I'd feel sad about it. But as of last week I feel worse. The husband I spoke of was recently diagnosed with a pretty advanced form of Lung Cancer. He's 34.

It's shocking, and sad. And I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. Brian is taking it pretty hard. It's scary when you start to think about how short life really is, or can be. And thought of cancer has been haunting me lately. Yes, our situation with infertility sucks. But it's not life threatening. I haven't been able to complain to myself about much lately because I keep thinking - at least we're healthy. We're so lucky to be able to say that.

Then today I came across this post from A Year of Slow Cooking's blog. Her best friend' s sister has Breast Cancer. Her best friend also happens to work for a little company called Blogher, and is holding a raffle for those who donate to her sister's fund for medical bills that aren't covered by insurance. The Prize? A Full Conference Pass to the SOLD OUT 2010 Blogher Convention in New York City. Not too shabby.

I'll be the first to speak up about how much infertility sucks, but I think it's only than fair to say that Cancer sucks more.