The Call.

My doctor called early this evening. The ringer on my phone has been on the loudest setting since I left the clinic yesterday. But the phone was in my hand when it rang. And though she told me the results would likely be in Thursday or Friday, the instant I saw the number I knew it was her. 

Dr. B: Hi, Is this Melissa?
Me: Yes?
Dr. B: Hi Melissa it's Dr. B, I have some terrific news for you. 
Me: Uncontrollable sobbing....

The calcifications were 100% benign. 

I asked her several Questions:

Is this cluster a precursor to developing Breast Cancer? No. Benign Microcalcifications are not dangerous. But they should be monitored.

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF? In her 20+ years of experience, she has not personally seen a link between women who took fertility drugs and Breast Cancer. She is aware of the research being conducted regarding the two, but would not agree conclusively.

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two) This, I forgot to ask. I was kind of a mess, and missed this question.... I will either call her back, or check with someone else.


How soon should I get my next Mammogram? You should be monitored annually for several years.

We had a lengthy conversation, but I only remember that it put me at ease. I thanked her for the comfort and support she and her staff provided. 

The last three weeks, and the last five days in particular have brought a whirlwind of fears. And I'm not afraid to tell you that I let my mind travel to the darkest corners. I assumed the worst. It's almost hard to believe still. 

I am just so incredibly grateful.



*Also, I updated my last post to include more detail about the biopsy.

Biopsy'ed

So as best I can tell, my appointment went pretty well yesterday. But, I will say my anxiety about the whole thing got the best of me. I pretty much ate my feelings all day, and while I was sitting in the waiting room I damn near passed out from the pressure of it all. At one point, as much as I wanted to get it all over with I actually prayed that I wouldn't be the next one called because I was genuinely concerned about having to stand up and walk down the hallway. Deep breathes seemed to be of little help. I finally text and begged Brian and Teresa to play their moves on Words With Friends so I could distract myself. 

That finally helped a little.

The staff there is really nice, the radiology tech put her arm around me and rubbed my back while she walked me down the hallway and explained how it would all go.

This is the table I was on. Basically you lie face down on the table over a big hole that your boob hangs out of. In this case, it was my right side, so I turned and faced the wall (my head on the right side of the table, feet on the left). The tech I mentioned before helped me to get as comfortable as possible. Strategically placing folded towels to cushion my ribs and elbow from un-padded points on the table. Even brushing my hair back from my face.

Once they had me where I needed to be, I closed my eyes and began to meditate. Trying my best to breathe into each chakra.  It was difficult. I was pretty uncomfortable, and just generally uneasy. I can't remember how edit the pictures to add arrows but if you look under the table you can see the wall type thing and metal plate in which they use to compress and contain your breast.  They then raise the table so that your boob is about eye level for the tech and doctor. Which means I was about three feet away from the ceiling. 

I'm not claustrophobic, but that certainly did not help matters. 

Once they have you and your boob and place, they take x-rays to determine where the calcification's are and where they need to angle the needle. In my case, the shortest distance was through the side of my boob. The doctor places a topical numbing agent, then a local to numb your entire boob. The tech explained what the doctor was doing while rubbing my back. She also brought me a warm blanket to help relax me. The procedure itself is very quick, it's the set up that take FOR.EV.ER. *I did not confirm this with the doctor or tech, but they warned me that I was going to hear a noise, then feel a thud. I'm pretty sure the thud was the Biopsy needle being thrust into my breast, all done by a machine.* After the sample is removed, they xray it to make sure there are calcifications in it. Then they get you up and do another mammogram. Apparently the needle that removes the sample also leaves a marker that can be seen on xrays. So they take another shot to show where the sample was taken from.

So here is an xray of my boob. The camera on my iPhone is not really equipped to take photos of xrays, because it appears much brighter than in person. For reference the very white areas are really just dense breast tissue but it's a little blurred. Under magnification you can see the calcifications which show as tiny, brighter dots. The circled area is where the calcification was/is.

They bandaged me up and stuffed a cold pack in my bra. Told me take some Tylenol when I got home. Except I didn't go home. See yesterday was one of the days I work with Brian in the office. So I went to work in the morning, then he took me to the appointment and we went back to work afterwards. I liked that it fell on a work day, so I wouldn't have to explain to my MIL why I needed a sitter, and why I wouldn't be able to physically pick up Leah for 24 hours. It's just not information I want to share with her yet... 

So yes, Brian went with me to the appointment, but the room was a little too small to have him in there for the procedure.  After that he took me out for ice cream. Which was his suggestion and really just very sweet and thoughtful.  (oh, and when I say went back to work, I mean surfed the Internet and iced my boob.)

By the time we got home last night I was EXHAUSTED. I think the anxiety of it all just plain wiped me out. Today I feel fine, but my boob is very tender and the area sore. It feels like someone whacked it with a Tire Iron. No bruising to speak of yet. I can tell that the stress of it all is still getting to me because I noticed hives this morning. And as if hives weren't bad enough, I always get them on my butt first. NO idea why, but you're welcome for that little gem. 

So I'm hoping to hear back by Friday. Also hoping that I can manage to keep my shit together until then.  I also clearly need to distract myself from the whole thing, because I am shaky again just writing about it. Blehhh.

Thanks again for all of your sweet comments and prayers. 

I really truly appreciate them.

*Added by request, per comment!*

Taking It All In and Blocking It Out

My title makes me think of Kevin Nealon in Happy Gilmore: "Harness Good, Block Bad"... Anyway.

Thank you all for your comments/thoughts and prayers and texts, in some cases. They really meant a lot. 

I was pretty down when I wrote that post, and was feeling helpless and terrified. I tend to wallow in things, to breathe them in for processing. But I didn't want to do that this time. Still I jumped on Doctor Google, and for once he put my mind at ease. If there are cancer cells, it will indeed be very early stage and it can be sucessfully treated. Which made me feel a bit better. 

So I have mostly just been trying to keep my mind off of it. My biopsy is Tuesday, and Brian will be going with me. They will give me a local to numb the area, and from start to finish it should be about 90 minutes. I'll need to take it easy for 24 hours, meaning no lifting Leah. I should expect tenderness for a few days and bruising for a few weeks. They will send the Biopsy to Pathology, and I should have the results within 72 hours. Which means, I should have them before next weekend. Nice to know I won't have to wait too long. 

I think the questions that keep running through my head are: 

Is this linked to the hormones I took during IVF?

Does this mean I should avoid another pregnancy? (we still have the one frozen embie we were planning to transfer in the next year or two)

Does the concentration of calcification put me at higher risk to develop Breast Cancer?

If they are pre-cancerous or even cancer cells, does getting them at such a young age (34) mean I am at a higher risk to develop more in the future?

To Be Continued...