Benched

I really like my new clinic and Dr.3 for that matter, but if there is one complaint I have that runs true with all doctors I seem to have, it's tardiness. I always try to get the first appointment of the day so that there is less likelihood I will be stuck waiting because they're backed up by workload or because of some asshole that was late before me. And stuff happens, I totally get that. But let me at least keep my pants on until you're ready, mmmkay?

End Rant.

So we know that my appointment ran late, as per my diatribe. And we also now know why my E2 is all ridonkulous. It's a big, giant whore-bag cyst. A GIANT. WHORE-BAG. CYST. On my right side, where I mentioned having a slight pinchy twinge. It's a little over 23mm. He says it was a follicle that turned into a cyst, and it's just full of fluid and it will rupture in it's own sweet-ass time. (I don't really know the origins of cysts in general, but that's what mine is) He says he thinks it could happen relatively soon - hopefully this weekend. So for now, I continue with the 10 units of Lupron per day, curse the whore-bag cyst that lies within my lady parts, and wait for this shit to pass. They did do a blood draw, though Dr.3 thinks my E2 will likely be higher than it was two days ago, and will continue to rise until that bitch pops.

My acu lady will see me again on Saturday. I'm hoping she has a needle long enough to aspirate the little bastard, but that probably isn't the case...

I know this is not the end of the world, or my IVF cycle for that matter, but I'm pretty bummed. I go back in on Tuesday for another E2 check and an u/s. Hopefully then I will get the green light to start stims. Thank you so much for all of your support and information, please send some cyst rupturing juju my way when you get a chance.

I Had Been Waiting For This

The first big bump in the road. Over the last few weeks I have been quietly marveling over the fact that this cycle was going so well so far, other than the breakthrough bleeding and extraordinarily sore breasts (like not able to sleep on my stomach). I hadn’t had any side effects from the Lupron, Brian and I have been getting along better than ever and bonding over each shot he administered. I’ve been meditating regularly, yes I  drank the Circ.le+Blo.om koolaide. And my overall mood was happy,and better yet stable. And while being mindful of the fact that this was still very early in the cycle, and that my dosage was low, so of course the side effects wouldn’t be outrageous, I remembered that any moment now my bubble could burst.

And so it did.

I was pretty bummed yesterday, so after work on my way home I did my best to initialize some Damage Control. I stopped in for groceries, picked myself up some pretty flowers and stayed the hell away from the pies. Brian and I took the dog for a long walk and after that I slowed down for a few minutes to listen to a mediation session. Which helped to bring my blood pressure down to a less than lethal level. Then I poured myself a nice tall glass of apple cider in a Crystal Champagne Flute. Which did a little less for me than I’d hoped – man I could have really used a bottle glass of wine to take the consciousness away edge off.

Today is better. I’m going in for an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. My therapist there (aren’t they though?)  said that if it was indeed a cyst she could help with that, but if it turns out to be from the Lupron then I will have just burned up one of my limited allotted sessions (insurance crap). But really I think it will be beneficial for my head, as well, so I can take some time to tune out.

 I’ve also had plenty of time to read through your comments. You all are amazing, and I’m incredibly thankful for your knowledge, compassion and support. And while I’m grateful for each comment and that so many of you took the time even just to say, “ I don’t know, but that sucks and I’m sorry”, here are a few that helped me breathe or laugh:

“Dr.3 is THE MAN, and can deal with this”  - Meg. (a patient of his.)

You’re so right. I do have plenty of faith in him, and I’m sure this is the last thing he wants to see as well.

“I had set-back after set-back… I never got cancelled and they go 50 eggs yesterday” – Krista.

Thank you, I’ll try to keep in mind that it is early and that a lot more could go wrong, but I shouldn’t let that steal my hope for success.

“Stay the hell off of Google” – Aramelle

You’re right. I know. I’m an emotional cutter.

“the hardest thing to do while in the process is to trust the process” – Baby bump Bound

Word.

Good stuff. So I agree with all of you too, I don't think it's Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I was just panicking and disecting the worst case scenario. I know it seemed like I was over reacting, but I felt like my body was already failing me, and FUCK - is it too much to ask that this ONE THING go smoothly?!?!  I also think that maybe the break-through bleeding could have been an indicator to the fact that I wasn't suppressed enough, but I'll have to get that verified by Dr. 3... I didn't actually post about it but the spotting ened up gettin much worse - like regular flow at one point...Yay TMI!  So.  I'm totally not expecting my number to be below 70 tomorrow, I'm just praying that it doesn't go up and that we get some kind of answer as to what the crap is going on in there. I'll be sure to update when I have news tomorrow. Thanks again!

E2=MG Stalled (Help Needed)

I went in this morning for my E2 (Estrodial) and CBC (platelet count). In order to get the clearance to start FSH and hMG (Follistim & Menopur), your E2 level needs to be lower than 70. When I went in last week to get instructions for administering Lupron, the nurse reviewed our calendar and explained how things would proceed step by step from here on out.

On January 20th, I would take my last active BCP and wait for my period to show. My next appointment would be January 25th, today, for the E2 & CBC. She then explained that if my period hadn’t shown by today, my E2 levels would likely not be low enough to get cleared to start stims. I tried not to panic this weekend as my spotting noticeably cleared up (just in time right?), and then fortunately yesterday morning she made her appearance. And let me just say her presence is much more substantial than normal. So naturally I was pretty pumped. I knew that her presence by yesterday would mean that my levels would be dropping considerably. This morning Brian and I happily showed up at 8:30 for my blood draw and for the rest of the instructions on how to work the Follistim Pen and how to mix Menopur. The nurse was sweet and told me she’d call herself when she got the results back. And so she did. And as soon as the phone rang I had a funny feeling the news would not be good…


My E2 level? 346.


Fuck.


So. I was told as of now, not to start stims Thursday night. But I will need to go in Thursday morning for another E2 check, and an ultrasound to rule out any cysts. Fuck.


I have of course consulted Dr. Google only to find horrible information that makes me think IVF will never work for us. Basically one site indicated that elevated levels can point to a problem with ovarian reserve. Which can significantly lower IVF success rates. The only thing that kept me from hurtling myself on to the train tracks, was that I pulled up my records from my Full Blood panel on CD3 in October, and my E2 was 34. So the other possible scenarios, which I discussed with my nurse are:


A) It could be due to a Cyst. I have never had or been diagnosed with a cyst before, but I am technically poly cystic – so maybe now is just the time. Fanfuckingtastic.

B) My nurse said she has seen cases where Lupron actually causes stimulation instead of suppression, which in that case would cause a higher E2.


Now comes the part where I get to stew and over analyze things without having factual information to back it up. In the last few weeks I have, off and on, felt a strange pinching twinge on my right side near where my ovary would be. My right side is my dominant side, if that means anything at all. No pain, just a weird pinch while sitting up in bed, sporadically. It could have been gas, who knows.


Here are my concerns: I’m only on 10 units of Lupron per day. Which seems low compared to other bloggers – I know, I know, you’re not supposed to compare cycles since everyone is different. But really it seems low.


I could really use some more information about this, whether from experience or a reputable website.


HALP!

Because I Made My Own Bed

Previous to falling face first in to what is certainly the most challenging period of my life, I had imagined growing old with the small group of close friends we kept.

Old and gray, with grandkids in our laps.

But things change. I’ve changed. And as our years in the realm of infertility have gone on, I have slowly removed myself from the bulk of what once was a close group of friends. They have kids now. And seeing them makes my heart ache in the worst possible way.

Infertility has greatly impacted every single one of my friendships. And more often than not, I’m sorry to say, it has been negative.

I’ll fully admit that 95% of the friendships that have waned are a direct result of my actions. I have chosen self-preservation over sucking it up and throwing on a smile at yet another friends baby shower, or baby’s birthday. Hell, I can barely even manage to keep my shit together during a simple dinner when children are present.

So I suppose it’s only natural that at some point, after so many declined invitations, said friends would stop inviting us to parties and or casual gatherings. And while I'm sure that their decision was not easy one to make, I can’t help but grieve the place where we used to be. And I struggle with whether it was wrong that they didn’t even bother to invite us, or if they actually did us a favor by letting us off the hook? But basically my choices are feeling bad about not going or feeling bad about not being invited. Nobody wins.

I have made a lot of truly incredible friends within the ALI community. Seriously, some exceptionally amazing people. And I wouldn’t trade those friendships for the old ones I had. But I hope to hell that if I ever get out of here, I might someday get them back.

2011 ICLW

Greetings ICLWer’s, and Happy 2011! Whether 2010 was your year or it sucked more than Sex and the City II, I’m sure you’re likely glad to see a new year come around.

As for me, I fall in the latter category but I have a sneaking suspicion 2011 is going to make up for that and the heinousness that was the last three and a half years. My husband and I have been ttc since the summer of 2007, and it’s been a whirlwind of heartbreak, desperation, and general ickiness. All of which I feel lucky enough to say has brought us infinitely closer. (Though 10 months of marriage counseling didn’t hurt either). We took most of 2010 off to recuperate emotionally and financially, you can read about our long drawn out history here, or check out the bullet point version in the timeline tab up above for time's sake.

On this very fine day, you should know that I am on day 6 of Lupron and took my last active BCP yesterday. All this for our very first (and very much hopefully LAST) IVF w/ ICSI cycle. Next Thursday I’ll start Follistim, Menopur and Dexamethasone. We’re looking at a potential retrieval date around February 6th -9th , and hoping for a day five transfer. Does anyone else feel like I should be telling you what altitude we’re flying at? Sorry if this intro was a little lackluster, I’m currently, and equally overwhelmed with excitement for our cycle and my job workload.

At any rate, Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by!

Ten Units Please!

Lupron shot number one is DOWN! Annnnnd my husband is a total rock star for two reasons: 1) I am still alive and 2) I didn’t feel a thing! I panicked only a little in an excited-giggly-school-girl kind of way, but got over it pretty quickly when I realized he was doing the shot but it didn’t hurt a bit! I am by no means a needle-phob, I’ve just never had anyone who wasn’t professionally trained, jab a needle in my arm. Good times. So as recommended by my in-cycle nurse we are doing the Lupron in the fatty part of the back of my upper arm. (Ironically the place I like to torture the people I love with a surprise pinch when they don’t know I’m behind them.) Because at one point we will be doing three shots per day, she recommended not using all of the “real-estate” on my stomach since it can get sore. Sounds fair to me.

So call me Spotty-Mc–TMI-Spotterson, I’m still spotting but it’s starting to clear up RIGHT IN TIME for me to finish up BCP’s on Thursday and wait for AF to show. Nothing like having your period for two weeks... So the spotting actually got worse starting Friday night, and stayed that way through Sunday. (Like bright red, and requiring more than a liner) I did call in and actually spoke with Dr. 3 since he is on call after hours. My nurse told me to call if it got worse, so I did. I felt a little sheepish bugging him for something that seemed so trivial, but A) I don’t know enough about IVF to gauge if my spotting should even be considered trivial, mostly due to fact that Dr.Google, and all of you seemed to have been treated differently per your respective clinics. And B) I remembered how much we’re paying this chump, he can take a three minute phone call from me don't think he minded that much. Anyhoo, he diplomatically, and promptly explained that it was fine. That they prefer not to ask patients to double up on BCP’s because most people just end up complaining of nausea and go back to taking one per day anyway.

So HOLY CRAP we’re really doing this! I’m feeling really good, and taking a lot of time for myself by thinning out our schedule. It’s been really nice to have the extra alone time with Brian, and not having too much going on socially is a bigger relief than I realized it would be. By the way, thanks so much for all of your thoughtful comments. Even though it’s still early in the cycle you’ve been extremely supportive and super cheerleader-y and I really, truly appreciate it.

GO INJECTABLES!

Break On Through - Updated

Let the "Oh crap, what does this mean" moments begin.

I started spotting pretty heavily this morning, dark red. It's only CD 21. I haven't missed a bcp and I've been taking them around the same time every night.

I left a message on the non-emergency line with my In-cycle nurses, because it doesn't seem like an emergency. What say you veterans? Should I be concerned with a little break-through bleeding, or just annoyed at the inconvenience?

Thanks in advance!

____________________________________________________________________

Thanks to all of you who shared your experiences or even just left an encouraging comment. I did hear back from my nurse. She said it's totally normal, and yes annoying, but not to worry. She warned that if it turns into more than spotting, I need to call them and they may have me double up or even come in for an u/s. So far it's lightened up a bit. The other side effect I've had from bcp's has been really sore boobs (which is a common pms issue for me) for about the first two weeks, but they're fine now.

Thanks again ladies!

Meds

This afternoon the Mr. and I will head down to our clinic for injection training. I'm quite certain he's been waiting for a legitimate reason to stab me since about September of 2007.

Saturday I cruised over to the pharmacy to pick up my stash. As the technician handed me the neatly packed bag, I felt surprisingly underwhelmed by the size and weight of it all. The bag containing my burger and fries from In-N-Out that I picked up on the way there weighed more than the $3,800 dollar's worth of medications I now held at my side. Not that I anticipated needing a hand truck to get to my car or anything, but it sure didn't feel like much. It wasn't even all that real until I started taking the pictures of my loot, that it really hit me.

This is for us

For our IVF cycle

It's here. FINALLY.

Hers.

His.

My list of meds to date:

Folgard

Metformin

Pre-natal

Low Dose Asprin

Birth Control

Calcium

Humira

Lupron

Dexamethasone

Cipro - antibiotic

Menopur

Follistim

(Complete with lucky pen)

Novarel - trigger

Brian's meds:

Cipro.

(nice, huh?)

Although to be fair he's been taking a hefty load of supplements since June. Six pills twice a day. Remember the tic tacs? They worked - sort of. Not enough to get us there the old fashioned way. But enough to have made it worth it.

I start Lupron Sunday.

Holy crap.

New Year, New Way for Life To Point And Laugh At Me

Holy Hell people, the last few weeks have been such a whirlwind, I hardly know where to begin. Oh wait! Happy fricken' 2011! Sweet Jesus was I glad to see 2010 go. I learned a lot, I grew a lot. I'm OVER IT, and ready to kick some mayjah infertile ASS, à la a viable pregnancy. Savvy?

Good.

There have been lot of changes in the last few weeks, lots of ups and downs - none of which I have blogged about. Mostly because I've been trying to process everything internally, and with Brian. I don't mean to make that sound scary, and no I'm still not running for Governor. We've recently had an epiphany of sorts regarding finances and really just how far we're willing to go into debt to make this whole parenthood thing happen. And well, it made me feel pretty blue at first. The reality of how much your financial parameters impacts your ability to pursue treatments really sucks balls, and I threw myself a little pity party in lieu of.

Realistically we are able to do this IVF cycle. And I know there are plenty of others who can't afford to get that far. But my eyes were a little bigger than our pocket book and the long term actuality is such that the two package deal we wanted to do is a little out of our grasp. We can afford the cost of the package itself, but if we have to do additional cycles we'd have a hard time coming up with the gravy to cover additional meds. Meds for a fresh cycle will run us about 6k, and FET's will be at least 3k. Not something I could have know until we got all of our prescriptions from Dr.3. So. Since we're about two shakes from knocking of a liquor store to pay for this cycle as it is, we decided to draw the line at one fresh IVF (and of course any FET's, if we're lucky enough to end up with frosties). And if after all that we wind up with empty arms, we can move on to Foster Adoption knowing we gave it the old college try, without putting ourselves in financial ruins. It's really the most sound decision we've made since the determination to take last year off, and it feels so right.

So last week we signed our lives away and I wrote the biggest check I've ever written (my hand was actually shaking as I wrote it, and for a split second I forgot how to spell "thousand"). And yesterday afternoon I ordered and paid for all the meds we'll need for this cycle. Pickin' em up tomorrow! Wooo!

And about an hour after the confirmation from my pharmacy for the meds, I got a call from the University where we got our second opinion. Can you guess where this is going? Cause I sure as hell couldn't. Like three weeks ago I finally got the bill for the consultation we had LAST January, so I thought this was a "where's my money, fool" call. But, no. This was from the Research Department. For Clinical Trials. She wanted to know if I would be interested in adding my file for review of eligibility for an ALL EXPENSES PAID Cycle of IVF, under an FSH study. Seriously. And SERIOUSLY?!?!

The review for candidates wouldn't be for a few more weeks, so asked to keep my name on the list. After we hung up, I pulled my jaw off the floor, and started to process all of the information she gave me. Here is what I realized 1. I am being reviewed for eligibility, so this isn't even a sure thing. And 2. Even with that phone call, as much as it took my head clean off, I don't regret having signed and paid for our current IVF cycle with Dr.3 - mostly because I genuinely believe it's going to work the first time. But also because it gives me the tiniest bit of hope that if it doesn't, we might, maybe-a-little-bit, have the possibility of qualifying for a clinical trial at some point and that all hope of someday being pregnant won't ride on this single cycle.

Up until this phone call I had forgotten that a few months ago in a brokeass and hopelessness induced fit, I had called their research department regarding clinical trials only to find out we didn't qualify for anything - at that time.

So in summation: Life goes on. The plan is this, A) Obviously go on with our current cycle, it's fucking paid for now. B) Wait for her call. If she calls next month I'll see what the time lines are like and ask for an extension until the end of February, when I'll know where we stand. C) Hope for the best on all accounts. If there is one thing I learned during my 2010 recon mission, it's patience, and that I truly believe things work out the way they are supposed to, which I know from experience means: never the way you planned, so get over it. Quick. So as for the new year, I have no fricken idea what 2011 might bring me, but at this very moment I have a buttload of hope and aspiration for greatness.