Previous to falling face first in to what is certainly the most challenging period of my life, I had imagined growing old with the small group of close friends we kept.
Old and gray, with grandkids in our laps.
But things change. I’ve changed. And as our years in the realm of infertility have gone on, I have slowly removed myself from the bulk of what once was a close group of friends. They have kids now. And seeing them makes my heart ache in the worst possible way.
Infertility has greatly impacted every single one of my friendships. And more often than not, I’m sorry to say, it has been negative.
I’ll fully admit that 95% of the friendships that have waned are a direct result of my actions. I have chosen self-preservation over sucking it up and throwing on a smile at yet another friends baby shower, or baby’s birthday. Hell, I can barely even manage to keep my shit together during a simple dinner when children are present.
So I suppose it’s only natural that at some point, after so many declined invitations, said friends would stop inviting us to parties and or casual gatherings. And while I'm sure that their decision was not easy one to make, I can’t help but grieve the place where we used to be. And I struggle with whether it was wrong that they didn’t even bother to invite us, or if they actually did us a favor by letting us off the hook? But basically my choices are feeling bad about not going or feeling bad about not being invited. Nobody wins.
I have made a lot of truly incredible friends within the ALI community. Seriously, some exceptionally amazing people. And I wouldn’t trade those friendships for the old ones I had. But I hope to hell that if I ever get out of here, I might someday get them back.
19 comments:
This sucks - one of the worst parts of infertility is the impact on our friendships. I hope that you will be able to get those friends back too...
I am so sorry for this loss. Losing that particular dream of the future & the friends is hard to take. **huge hugs** infertility takes so much.
Here from ICLW. It's definitely hard when friendships change due to infertility. I feel myself pulling away from certain people as well.
I hear ya on this on. IF is able to reach its dirty hands into so many places of our life, and it sucks.
I hope you are able to get those friendships back, too.
Friendships do bounce back. I am hopeful too that some of the distance, well huge blocks of concrete, I put between me and some of my very fertile friends will start to come down at some point in the future. Protecting ourselves is just some times the only way forward.
I am learning that friendships may change, but ultimately--if they were solid at some point--you will probably find your way back. If they love you then they understand your need to back away.HUGS.
My friendships still feel like they're in flux for the most part. We'll see what happens.
ICLW
I was just thinking about writing a post on this subject. I was telling my DH yesterday that I can't wait to have a baby for obvious reasons but also because hopefully I will rejoin my old freindships if they will have me. Infertility robs us of many things!!
It is hard, but I've found that the shared experience of IF has forged stronger bonds than the ones I've lost.
We all understand when a friend who just had a m/c can't come to visit a friend who just got a bfp. There's no hard feelings just love and support. We also have a group to help honor the memories of lost pregnancies on their anniversaries. None of my non-IF friends understand that I'm sad in June because I would have had a baby then.
I hope you get your bfp soon!
ICLW #192
ugh, I hate this part of IF. It invades every part of lives and changes every relationship. I agree with two lines, that the really strong friendships will be able to make it through this.
thinking of you....
I've also distanced myself from lots of friends, it's just too hard right now. Good luck on your IVF cycle!
I think we all go through this and can relate. All of our friendships have been altered as well and it is hard. It is also amazing though to see who sticks by your side month after month, year after year of tests, drugs and trials. I avoid baby showers and find going to be with the friend and new baby one on one is easier and they actually appreciate it more. The hardest thing for me, is being excluded from the events that are for 'mom and child' or families. That hurts-we are left out because what we want so bad, we haven't been able to have. Its like a double slap...
I hope we both get our babies so these 'issues' go away! xo
I'm struggling with exactly this as well, so you're certainly not alone in this! It's so hard! But I honestly believe that if they're worth it, they'll be there in the end.
Not that that makes it easy. Ugh. It just sucks.
I feel the same way. The collateral damage of IF. It sucks.
What you said in bold--about the choices being between feeling bad about not going or about not being invited--I completely relate. It is so hard to discover that because you have made choices to avoid certain people at certain times, they now no-longer invite you to anything.
I feel your pain.
(ICLW #168)
I know how you feel. While I don't have a lot of friends with babies, I did manage to spend the whole weekend avoiding everyone because the one thing on my mind was getting pregnant and I knew I couldn't talk to any of them about it. Bummer.
I'm sure your friends will welcome you back with open arms.
If you and I get through this with a baby (each), we're both getting together for play dates. Right?
A few years ago I wrote something very similar about a good friend (who had IF) invited most of the neighborhood to her child's 1st or 2nd birthday party. I was the only one not invited and was so hurt. I actually brought it up to her and she said she remembered how hard it was for her to attend events and figured she would just spare me. I was actually more hurt about not being invited because I wanted to be able to make that choice.
Word to the word! Ugh, it's heartbreaking. And stressful. And ladened with guilt and self-pity....and all that is unpleasant.
I can't make it better for you, but I can tell you "I get it."
But, like you, I wouldn't trade the IF friendships I've made for the world. *hugs*
I've been thinking about you a lot this past week! And OMG, someone's a gonna be stimmin' in 48 hours! =D
I've been wanting to comment on this post since the day that you posted it. Way before my days of IF or even the thoughts of marriage, for that matter, I remember a conversation that I had with my mom when I was in college. She said that friendships can ebb and flow, sometimes a friend may drift apart. It can be for a number of reasons and sometimes it is because you are just in different stages of life (school, single, married, children). But those who are your true friends will come back to you. And the love and the closeness you have will still be there, even if it may need a little nurturing.
Hopefully, when you are ready to return to those friendships, your friends will be understanding and welcome you with open arms. But it is also not to say that you can't reach out now in some small way and just let them know how you feel--that you are going through some difficulties, you miss their friendship, or thank them for thier patience.
Send them a note or a card. The guesture will go a long way and may surprise you with the results. Giving has a way of making people feel better. I know I have taken the time to sometimes randomly send friendship cards to my gal pals, just because. You could even send the cheesy Valentines that we used to pass out in school. I like sending that kind of stuff when I am feeling down, but want to show a friend my appreciation. (I also send cards when I think they might need a pick me up or just for fun, too!)
I'm sorry you feel that distance from some of your friends. It doesn't sound easy. And clearly from the responses, you are not alone.
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