The first big bump in the road. Over the last few weeks I have been quietly marveling over the fact that this cycle was going so well so far, other than the breakthrough bleeding and extraordinarily sore breasts (like not able to sleep on my stomach). I hadn’t had any side effects from the Lupron, Brian and I have been getting along better than ever and bonding over each shot he administered. I’ve been meditating regularly, yes I drank the Circ.le+Blo.om koolaide. And my overall mood was happy,and better yet stable. And while being mindful of the fact that this was still very early in the cycle, and that my dosage was low, so of course the side effects wouldn’t be outrageous, I remembered that any moment now my bubble could burst.
And so it did.
I was pretty bummed yesterday, so after work on my way home I did my best to initialize some Damage Control. I stopped in for groceries, picked myself up some pretty flowers and stayed the hell away from the pies. Brian and I took the dog for a long walk and after that I slowed down for a few minutes to listen to a mediation session. Which helped to bring my blood pressure down to a less than lethal level. Then I poured myself a nice tall glass of apple cider in a Crystal Champagne Flute. Which did a little less for me than I’d hoped – man I could have really used a bottle glass of wine to take the consciousness away edge off.
Today is better. I’m going in for an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. My therapist there (aren’t they though?) said that if it was indeed a cyst she could help with that, but if it turns out to be from the Lupron then I will have just burned up one of my limited allotted sessions (insurance crap). But really I think it will be beneficial for my head, as well, so I can take some time to tune out.
I’ve also had plenty of time to read through your comments. You all are amazing, and I’m incredibly thankful for your knowledge, compassion and support. And while I’m grateful for each comment and that so many of you took the time even just to say, “ I don’t know, but that sucks and I’m sorry”, here are a few that helped me breathe or laugh:
“Dr.3 is THE MAN, and can deal with this” - Meg. (a patient of his.)
You’re so right. I do have plenty of faith in him, and I’m sure this is the last thing he wants to see as well.
“I had set-back after set-back… I never got cancelled and they go 50 eggs yesterday” – Krista.
Thank you, I’ll try to keep in mind that it is early and that a lot more could go wrong, but I shouldn’t let that steal my hope for success.
“Stay the hell off of Google” – Aramelle
You’re right. I know. I’m an emotional cutter.
“the hardest thing to do while in the process is to trust the process” – Baby bump Bound
Word.
Good stuff. So I agree with all of you too, I don't think it's Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I was just panicking and disecting the worst case scenario. I know it seemed like I was over reacting, but I felt like my body was already failing me, and FUCK - is it too much to ask that this ONE THING go smoothly?!?! I also think that maybe the break-through bleeding could have been an indicator to the fact that I wasn't suppressed enough, but I'll have to get that verified by Dr. 3... I didn't actually post about it but the spotting ened up gettin much worse - like regular flow at one point...Yay TMI! So. I'm totally not expecting my number to be below 70 tomorrow, I'm just praying that it doesn't go up and that we get some kind of answer as to what the crap is going on in there. I'll be sure to update when I have news tomorrow. Thanks again!
22 comments:
Awwww sending you some virtual champagne and good vibes for lower e2 tomorrow! Stay strong!
Every time I got my estrogen checked...I would tell the lab tech to think low estrogen thoughts, and so would I. We would chant "low estrogen,low estrogen." It was silly...but it helped. Keep thinking low estrogen thoughts and I will be thinking the same for you! Good luck and let us know!
I am glad to hear that you found some ways to cope with the bump in the road that didn't include an alcohol or sugar induced coma. And I am glad that you had some great comments to get you through it as well.
I will be keeping my fingers crossed and saying a prayer that you have lower numbers tomorrow!
Oh, just so you know - there IS something they can give you for a migraine when preggers. I caved and called the doctor!!!
I like the "low estrogen" chant. also, when you do your circle+bloom thing, imagine a dial in front of you that regulates E2 and mentally turn the knob down.
Wishing you the best. You are in the best hands with Dr. 3 - this will resolve itself. You'll see!
So glad you're going to see Brielle today! <3 She was seriously one of the only people who could talk me down from the ledge during my cycles.
You will get through this. You may need to wait some additional time before you bust out the lucky Follistim Pen, but you WILL bust it out. You WILL get lots and lots of mature, high-quality eggs. And beyond that, you WILL have the opportunity to transfer some damn fine embryos.
:::Envisioning your E2 lowering.....lowering.....lowering.......:::
In regards to staying the hell off Google, I know that it's hard. I only succeed some of the time.
I hope the acupuncture appointment helps you to feel a little better. And I hope that the test tomorrow delivers nothing but good news!
http://the-wheeler-family.net/aramelle_blog/
I can't wait to hear the news tomorrow. And I don't think an acupuncture appointment is ever a waste--they're all going to make your body healthier and your little eggies happier!
hang in there!!! This is why this community to so wonderful, its an entire world of really good advice.
Hang in there and keep us posted.
ahhh I love my acupuncture appts :) The rest of the evening I am so relaxed and 'zen'. haha. Good luck tomorrow and think low E2!!
Better to have a bump at the beginning than smack dab in the middle or end. No acu appointment is a waste- it's like a massage, and can bring you nothing but goodness for your body. :) Thinking of you!
No advice, just support. I am hoping things work out for you.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow...everything is going to work out just fine. No worries!
And who in the heck got 50 eggs...GEEZ! Can we say jealous?? ;)
Good for you to take some time to care for you when you know that you needed it. The flowers, walk and meditation sound great! And I agree with Katie's comment--if you feel the benefits of the acupuncture, go for it.
LOVE that you pampered yourself with flowers, champagne flute and meditation!!
Thinking of you.every.single.day.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
So late to the party again, sorry but I just have to give you my worthless 2c worth of an opinion too. I had breakthru bleeding at one point and I was told it's actually a sign that you *are* suppressed because it means your estrogen level is really low and thats generally when breakthrough bleeding happens (because low estrogen levels don't support the endo lining so cause it to start to come away). And I haven't read the comments from others but it is super common to have the bleeding while on suppression meds. It sucks to experience it and its totally sane to freak out about it.
And I think if you've come this far and only just starting to feel the effects of the hormonal jabs now the you are doing fantastic. These hormones will drive you crazy and you will no doubt drive Brian crazy, but thats just the way us IVF girls roll. We're allowed to be like that because our hormones say so.
Enjoy your acu appt, BLISS!!!x
Ok ignore my estrogen comment above. I failed blogging commenting 101. Sorry, i didnt realise you had your e2 level checked yesterday. Such a fool I am.
But I stand by the rest of the comment, you're allowed to feel hormonal because seriously, its impossible not to feel that way.
Glad to see you've been circle & bloomed too. Anything that helps is all GOOD. xxx
Me again. :) I wanted to let you know that I have an award for you on my blog.
http://the-wheeler-family.net/aramelle_blog/
Please check out my blog
http://iwannabepreggo.blogspot.com/
I left you an award!!
I have passed on an award, stop by my blog and check it out!!
Love the advice you received - it's all great. Glad to know you are feeling a little better. The one thing I've learned about IVF is you can never predict it all... I know, it sucks. Hang in there, and I'm hoping for low estrogen levels!!!
Here's to hoping your E2 levels have lowered!!
Melissa, I can totally, totally relate. Our first IVF cycle was converted into an IUI because I grew only three pathetic follies. What you describe is exactly how it felt, how I felt throughout the process. I was so hopeful, excited, energized, even when Lupron fucked me up completely like nothing has before, and then it came completely from out of the blue to hear the outcome. I was so devastated, I felt like this was an indication of all future IVF cycles. Then a doctor explained to me that each cycle is different, that there are so many factors that go into influencing a cycle and that this was NOT an indication of future cycle outcomes. We go into these procedures feeling so fragile, vulnerable, that it is so easy to be fucked with our minds, and it helps tremendously to have a doctor give us support, encouragemetn (and not all fertility docs seem to know that, unfortuntely). I was at UCSF, btw. In the next IVF they changed the protocol and it worked much better, but again, it was also because that cycle's coordinates were also different, for whatever reason. I know your situation might be different, but it all really resonated with me and reminded me of what I went through and I wanted to give you support and encouragement, becasue I know how it feels to be going into the first IVF cycle and then have a setback. We are not prepared for it. The road of IF already makes life so hard. What really helped me was Nikki's and Sarang's thoughts on not to have expectations that IVF will immediately and always work. Their words were really precious and if you want I can dig up their email and send it to you, with their permission, of course.
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