Aspiration Cancelled

Cause the bitch is GONE.

I thought long and hard about how to write this post in a way that would melodiously lay out the details of the entire ordeal without revealing the conclusion until the very end. But when have I ever been that tactful?

So yes, the cyst is gone. HOT. DOG.

We rushed to our 1pm appointment yesterday (we got bumped) because despite the fact that I had reminded everyone and their mother that yesterday was daylight savings, I neglected to heed my own caution and forgot to set my clocks forward. And being the torrid pile of lethargy that I am, had only gotten out of the shower about ten minutes before we were actually supposed to leave. (12: 30pm) The reason that's a big deal is because it takes a beastly load of effort and dedication for me to not look like a slovenly hobo before I leave the house.

So we get there on time, only to sit in the waiting room for twenty minutes while some jackass ignores is obnoxiously loud seven year old son, who is jumping up and down in place trying to hit the top of the 6 foot high magazine rack. And as much as I wanted to poke both him and his father in the eye, if the dad had left the room for just half a second I would stuffed my sock in that kids mouth to muffle his screams while I grabbed him and took him home to be our new son. A nurse I had never seen before walked in to the waiting room and called my name. She took us back to a room that had already been prepped for my impending detonation. It was fairly terrifying to see all of the paraphernalia laid out. I don't know even know what half of the instruments were, but it made me think of a scene from Fire In The Sky where Travis Walton was... Anyway. It was scary though, believe me. 

Dr. 3 entered the room just briefly after I threw a tantrum because Brian couldn't think of anything to talk about while we waited, (Yay for Lupron doing enough to make me a raving bitch!) He shook both of our hands and didn't waste a second before grabbing the wand to "have a look at things first". 

Left side = Good. 
Lining = Good. (still at 4mm)
Femoral Artery = Working. (YEAH, I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE, MOVE ON.) 
Right side with cyst = ..... No cyst located. Ovary quiet. Antra follicle count = As expected. 

Yippe kai yay, mutha f-.

Dr. 3 said everything looked great and pending another E2 check, I'd be able to start stims asap.




Soooooooooo, I just got the call back from my nurse and my E2 was 26!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I START STIMS TOMORROW!!!

Hey Progesterone: You Suck.

Sorry for the delay, yesterday was super chaotic at work and by the time I got home I just didn’t have it in me to post. My morning began with another peculiar dream. Dr.3 was running late, so a nurse came in to instruct me on how to complete my own u/s. I checked my lining, it looked like… my uterus, I guess so that was good. But before I could move on to check for my whore-bag of a constant companion I was interrupted by another nurse who wanted to administer a rather unorthodox remedy for my situation. This part however, is truly too humiliating to describe. Even to you. But while I lay there on the table waiting for their remedy to cure my cyst, I noticed that Dr.3 was in the room working with another patient. This is where it got weirder. He was hunched over talking to the patient and his scrubs were just low enough on his backside that I could see he was wearing… a thong. The nurse cackled loudly while bringing it to his attention and they both ended up having a good chuckle about it. But I was, and am profoundly mortified by it even as we speak.. I was seriously still so disturbed by the image, that I could barely look him in the eye at my appointment. Oh, but there were no picture windows this time. Bonus.

In reality Dr. 3 was right on time and started the u/s without me having to lift a finger. But not before he complimented my polka-dot socks. Which he’s done more than once and I have to say I’m a little weirded out by it. Not because his mentioning my socks is in anyway inappropriate. I actually think it’s his way of breaking the ice – by being nice and offering a compliment. But I only recently started keeping my socks on during my stints in the stirrups, so I’m a little self-conscience about it. Honestly, up until last month I always removed my socks before an exam but one day before one of my other monitoring appointments while waiting for Dr. 3 to show, I had in internal debate over whether or not to take them off. But before I could make up my mind, Dr. 3 came in and effectively made the decision for me. Do you leave ‘em on, or take ‘em off? I digress.   So. My lining.  Down to 4mm, from 5mm last week. A very good sign. Left ovary – still politely behaving as expected. Righty, whom I’ve named Satan’s whore, still showed a large cyst. But it’s smaller it’s at 27.5 x 27.5, from 25.5 x 35.5. This is when I made my move. But instead of spewing my infertile rage at him I sheepishly confessed that I was extraordinarily frustrated with the now six week delay, and was hoping he’d be open to taking a more aggressive approach.  He then of course made me sorry for the desperately written rant filled with misguided anger that I published yesterday. He told me he had been baffled by this delay and truly felt that the cyst should have resolved itself considering the amount of Lupron I was on. He said in any other situation a person on my dosage of Lupron would have seen menopausal E2 levels a few weeks ago…

He explained further: Because my E2 levels dropped so significantly at my last appointment and based on the fact that my cyst measured smaller today, he had a feeling that my levels would show another substantial drop. The Estrogen was what was feeding the cyst – so that number going down would be a great indicator. He genuinely believes that my period will come in the next week. (I know, check’s in the mail, right?) But if it doesn’t he wants me to come back in so that he can aspirate it. He booked me for the appointment for next weekend to do so, still believing that AF will finally show before then.

Later in the afternoon the nurse called me with my E2 number. It’s 45. A very, very good thing- and exactly what Dr. 3 said would happen. However my Progesterone is at 1.7 (should be under 1.0), so at this point it’s the only thing that is holding up my period. The nurse explained that once my body realizes my Estrogen is so low, it will recognize get this: I’m not pregnant; my progesterone will drop and I’ll get my period… And at that point, I will be able to start stims right away. Or we aspirate the little fucker, my estrogen and progesterone drops – I get my period – then start stims.

None of those things are happening as quickly as I'd like but Dr. 3 prefers not to interfere if possible, and I was grateful for the time he spent with me yesterday to explain all that. A big thank you to all of you, who've been so supportive and put up with my schizo posting. You're thoughful comments have meant the world to me, I'm sorry I haven't been giving back as much as I'd like to in that department.

Coming Undone

I’m losing faith in this cycle.  And more than that, I’m losing faith in the concept of IVF ever making us a family to begin with… Nothing with Infertility ever seems to work out to be cut and dry. Nothing Textbook. Nothing as planned. At least for me, anyway.

I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that my journey here isn’t remotely close to coming to a conclusion. Intellectually I can comprehend the fact that three and a half years compared to a lifetime is relatively small stretch of time. But it is so fucking hard to keep any conviction in the fact that this awful period will be someday be a distant memory when you’re chest deep in the shittiest parts of it.

I'm just exhausted from all of this. Exhausted from not fitting in with my friends. From shots and pills, that aren’t making the slightest fucking difference. I’m forty five shots in and have nothing to show for it. Still. No. Period. I’m exhausted from pining and aching for this person I’ve never met. From dreaming about babies that will never be mine…

Since my period STILL hasn’t shown, I’ll be going in for another u/s and E2 check tomorrow as planned . I want to scream at Dr.3, and tell him whatever fucking method he was going by clearly isn’t working and he needs to figure this shit out. Quick. That I didn’t just hand him my life savings, but every ounce of faith, every dream and every part of me that aches to become a mother. And he needs to start treating me and this cycle as such. Like every bit of my happiness is resting on his shoulders. Because it is.  I’m tired of watching our future hanging in the balance. And wondering when or if it might fall.

But I won’t because I’m chicken shit, and as soon as my pants come off and that paper dress goes on my mind goes blank and all I can manage are simple phrases and sentence fragments. I sincerely hope this is the Lupron talking and not really my entire belief system crumbling before me. Because it sure fucking feels like it.

Defying Science

Ninety-nine percent of women using Lupron for more than 38 days would have seen a cyst/follicle collapse, and experienced bleeding shortly thereafter.

But not me.

According to Dr.3, my body is "defying science"…

Yesterday was CD30, so with no spotting to speak of I promptly picked up my phone and left a message for one of the nurses at my clinic. She called me back and with sincere sympathy asked if I’d be free for an u/s and blood draw first thing this morning.

I woke up early after being startled by a dream where at my ultrasound they found two more cysts and my lining was at 30mm (can you imagine? That would be the period to end all periods) Oh and the clinic was set up downtown and my room had a big giant picture window on the corner of a busy street. Making my hoohaa part of their window display. Dr.3 kept telling me not to worry about thaaat...

I didn’t go to this u/s expecting great news. I went in praying to receive a glimmer of hope and at the very least some information as to what the crap is going on.

The cyst is still there. And it’s bigger. BUT it’s bigger laterally – as in not round. It’s an oblong shape which implies that it’s in the process of collapsing. And my lining is down from 8mm, to 5mm. Which is good. The Lupron and my body are doing what they are supposed to, just at a profoundly slow rate. Dr. 3 thinks I could see my period within the next week, but to be safe they scheduled me for an u/s and blood draw for a week from today in case I don’t get my period by then.

I have mixed feelings about this information mostly because it appears as though my body is doing everything it's supposed to but at a snails fucking pace.  And then there are the mysterious goings on that have led to nothing: A)Three weeks ago I felt Ovulation pains. It's a very distinct type of pressure, that is to me, unmistakable. But obviously this thing is still around - so what the hell was that then??? 2) The Rage - what the crap was that all about? I literally felt crazy and I have the blog post to prove it. C) The other pms symptoms I usually get have come and gone... Oilier than normal hair and skin, sore/swollen breasts, bloating. Now nothing. I feel great. And what's worse is according to Dr.3 I should be having significant hot flashes as an indication that my estrogen is going down.  But, nope. I'm right as the mail. 

I feel angry and cheated by my body and circumstances. I wanted a January cycle, and with the long lupron protocol scheduling, I ended up in February. Now with this stupid delay I'm looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I STARTED THIS DAMN CYCLE IN DECEMBER- there must be a metal or badge or free fucking toaster for having the longest IVF cycle ever recorded. In the whole wide world. EVER.

But on a better note, I just got the call and my E2 is down to 125. From 346, and 414, and 391. So thank fucking Karl Lagerfeld for that. Except if my levels keep moving down at the same rate I'm looking at another nine days before I'm below 70 to get the go-ahead for stims. So I'll hang on to my white flag, and continue with obsessively check the toilet paper for some sign of menses. ANY SIGN.

Thanks for putting up with my ridiculousness. And mood swings. At least most of you can be thankful you don't know me in real life. Save Brian... Poor monkey.

Melissa G. - OUT.

Of Voracity and Rage

My period is still MIA.

Today is CD23, precisely 15 days after I'm sure that thing ruptured. And I'm feeling, how shall I say it... A little punchy-stabby.

But if I'm being honest, I'd gauge it more along the lines of homicidal. It feels almost out of body. Like I can picture my rage in a box, and then I can see myself throwing my body over the top of it to protect those around me, lest it detonate and wipe out the greater Bay Area.

I'm hoping this is my body's way of saying "You're period will be here any second so you can get on with the debt-riddling-baby-making gig you've been planning on for the last 14 months, already..." Because I certainly don't think this has anything to do with Lupron. I've been on it for exactly 30 days now, without the slightest symptom (I'm lucky, I know). So this wrath is puzzling to me, because while I'm certainly capable of a little circumstantial rage, the volatility of my fury is very uncommon and just the slightest bit alarming.  

I'm also binging on sugar and grease like a suicidal junkie. I gave up all sources of caffeine including chocolate weeks ago, but the snarling voice in my head forced me to inhale half a bag of Valenti.nes Day Dov.e Chocolates that I got from the 50% off bin at the drug store. I am literally shaking from the excessive sugar and caffeine intake, but oddly enough I feel a little less like impaling the UPS guy with my letter opener, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.

I still don't understand what the hell is going on with my body. And there is literally nothing I can do until my period shows. Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments, now please send some menstrual thoughts my way because if things continue like this I fear for the safety of the people around me.

GOD SPEED AF, GOD SPEED.

Waiting It Out

I’m pretty sure I must have been a complete asshole in my past life. I’ve come to that conclusion because there is no other possible explanation as to why this cycle is going the way it is.

It’s taken me three days to write this post because I’m having a hard time breaking down the information enough so that my tiny brain can even process the basic facts, but here's what I've got.

On 1/25: My E2 was 346 (no u/s) which was CD2 for reference

On 1/27: Went back for an u/s which showed a cyst/follicle at 23mm, E2 was 414, Progesterone 2.0

Dr. 3’s Notes: Surprised that you were able to have a period while your E2 was so high.

Melissa’s notes: Fucking figures.

On 2/1: Morning u/s #2 shows an increase in size of cyst/follicle at 24.5 mm

Dr. 3’s Notes: We have to wait this out. Stay on 10 Units of Lupron. Call me when you get your period. Good luck with that.

Melissa’s Notes: Dr. 3 = Cyborg. All hope of having bio children fades. Break down -Open bottle of wine. Shortly after glass of Sauvignon Blanc I get pains similar to Ovulation. Of course.

On 2/2: Find out 2/1’s blood test results: E2 was 391, Progesterone 1.4 DOWN FROM 1/27. Email Dr.3 because the multitude of questions over what the crap is going on with this cycle is keeping me up at night.

The gist of that email went a little something like this:

Me: Am I being stimulated instead of suppressed by the Lupron? Could my lower E2 suggest that the follicle was getting ready to rupture? Is staying on the same dosage of Lupron possibly delaying the ultimate goal of getting this thing to mature and collapse? Will the Lupron shorten my luteal phase? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???? SOMEBODY HOLD ME.

Dr. 3: You had one rogue follicle that was not suppressed by the Lupron. It will either mature and rupture on its own or the Lupron will suppress it and it will shrink. There is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing I can do about it. We have to let the meds and the follicle take its course. CALL  ME WHEN YOU GET YOUR PERIOD.

So that's it. I'm done. I'm exhausted and so is my Zen. I'm trying not to give myself a hard time for losing my shit over all of this, but I wish I could have processed everything with a little more grace. But graceful, I am not. And that's what makes me, me. So I'll call Dr. 3 when I get my period, and I'll do my best to catch my breath from here.  And I promise if more shit goes wrong with this cycle, I will set new standards for what it is to be considered "mentally unstable".

Namaste.

Still A No-Go.

The whore-bag cyst is not only still entirely present, but has grown another 1.5 mm. Putting her at a vast 24.5mm total. And my lining is growing like it would in a normal cycle. Fuck.

I am so incredibly disappointed.

Dr.3 wants to wait it out, so I’ll be staying on the ten units of Lupron. Which by the way, makes no fucking sense to me at all. Why would we do anything to prohibit or suppress this thing from maturing/rupturing??? And if the Lupron isn't suprressing me enough, than staying on it is really just slowing the down the inevitable right??? I wish I could say I thought to ask him all this, but I was concentrating on not bursting into tears and looking like a complete douche. 

Yeah, he’s the RE and I’m not, and I do trust him entirely – but dammat I really wanted to be given a plan of attack if it got to this point. It’s been five days since my last u/s and I’ve had follicles get at least as big as 27mm, so at the rate I’m going it could be another ten days before this thing ruptures. And on top of that he wants me to have another period before we move forward. He checked my lining during the u/s and it’s thickening up like it normally would because of the high levels of estrogen and progesterone.  He did explain that we’re not looking at another 30 day wait for my period, it’s more likely to be 6-10 days before I bleed again (if that thing collapses soon). But that is very little consolation considering that today should have been my first monitoring appointment, and my retrieval could have been this weekend.

I can’t even explain the level of disappointment I’m feeling right now.

This fucking blows.

Benched

I really like my new clinic and Dr.3 for that matter, but if there is one complaint I have that runs true with all doctors I seem to have, it's tardiness. I always try to get the first appointment of the day so that there is less likelihood I will be stuck waiting because they're backed up by workload or because of some asshole that was late before me. And stuff happens, I totally get that. But let me at least keep my pants on until you're ready, mmmkay?

End Rant.

So we know that my appointment ran late, as per my diatribe. And we also now know why my E2 is all ridonkulous. It's a big, giant whore-bag cyst. A GIANT. WHORE-BAG. CYST. On my right side, where I mentioned having a slight pinchy twinge. It's a little over 23mm. He says it was a follicle that turned into a cyst, and it's just full of fluid and it will rupture in it's own sweet-ass time. (I don't really know the origins of cysts in general, but that's what mine is) He says he thinks it could happen relatively soon - hopefully this weekend. So for now, I continue with the 10 units of Lupron per day, curse the whore-bag cyst that lies within my lady parts, and wait for this shit to pass. They did do a blood draw, though Dr.3 thinks my E2 will likely be higher than it was two days ago, and will continue to rise until that bitch pops.

My acu lady will see me again on Saturday. I'm hoping she has a needle long enough to aspirate the little bastard, but that probably isn't the case...

I know this is not the end of the world, or my IVF cycle for that matter, but I'm pretty bummed. I go back in on Tuesday for another E2 check and an u/s. Hopefully then I will get the green light to start stims. Thank you so much for all of your support and information, please send some cyst rupturing juju my way when you get a chance.

I Had Been Waiting For This

The first big bump in the road. Over the last few weeks I have been quietly marveling over the fact that this cycle was going so well so far, other than the breakthrough bleeding and extraordinarily sore breasts (like not able to sleep on my stomach). I hadn’t had any side effects from the Lupron, Brian and I have been getting along better than ever and bonding over each shot he administered. I’ve been meditating regularly, yes I  drank the Circ.le+Blo.om koolaide. And my overall mood was happy,and better yet stable. And while being mindful of the fact that this was still very early in the cycle, and that my dosage was low, so of course the side effects wouldn’t be outrageous, I remembered that any moment now my bubble could burst.

And so it did.

I was pretty bummed yesterday, so after work on my way home I did my best to initialize some Damage Control. I stopped in for groceries, picked myself up some pretty flowers and stayed the hell away from the pies. Brian and I took the dog for a long walk and after that I slowed down for a few minutes to listen to a mediation session. Which helped to bring my blood pressure down to a less than lethal level. Then I poured myself a nice tall glass of apple cider in a Crystal Champagne Flute. Which did a little less for me than I’d hoped – man I could have really used a bottle glass of wine to take the consciousness away edge off.

Today is better. I’m going in for an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. My therapist there (aren’t they though?)  said that if it was indeed a cyst she could help with that, but if it turns out to be from the Lupron then I will have just burned up one of my limited allotted sessions (insurance crap). But really I think it will be beneficial for my head, as well, so I can take some time to tune out.

 I’ve also had plenty of time to read through your comments. You all are amazing, and I’m incredibly thankful for your knowledge, compassion and support. And while I’m grateful for each comment and that so many of you took the time even just to say, “ I don’t know, but that sucks and I’m sorry”, here are a few that helped me breathe or laugh:

“Dr.3 is THE MAN, and can deal with this”  - Meg. (a patient of his.)

You’re so right. I do have plenty of faith in him, and I’m sure this is the last thing he wants to see as well.

“I had set-back after set-back… I never got cancelled and they go 50 eggs yesterday” – Krista.

Thank you, I’ll try to keep in mind that it is early and that a lot more could go wrong, but I shouldn’t let that steal my hope for success.

“Stay the hell off of Google” – Aramelle

You’re right. I know. I’m an emotional cutter.

“the hardest thing to do while in the process is to trust the process” – Baby bump Bound

Word.

Good stuff. So I agree with all of you too, I don't think it's Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I was just panicking and disecting the worst case scenario. I know it seemed like I was over reacting, but I felt like my body was already failing me, and FUCK - is it too much to ask that this ONE THING go smoothly?!?!  I also think that maybe the break-through bleeding could have been an indicator to the fact that I wasn't suppressed enough, but I'll have to get that verified by Dr. 3... I didn't actually post about it but the spotting ened up gettin much worse - like regular flow at one point...Yay TMI!  So.  I'm totally not expecting my number to be below 70 tomorrow, I'm just praying that it doesn't go up and that we get some kind of answer as to what the crap is going on in there. I'll be sure to update when I have news tomorrow. Thanks again!

E2=MG Stalled (Help Needed)

I went in this morning for my E2 (Estrodial) and CBC (platelet count). In order to get the clearance to start FSH and hMG (Follistim & Menopur), your E2 level needs to be lower than 70. When I went in last week to get instructions for administering Lupron, the nurse reviewed our calendar and explained how things would proceed step by step from here on out.

On January 20th, I would take my last active BCP and wait for my period to show. My next appointment would be January 25th, today, for the E2 & CBC. She then explained that if my period hadn’t shown by today, my E2 levels would likely not be low enough to get cleared to start stims. I tried not to panic this weekend as my spotting noticeably cleared up (just in time right?), and then fortunately yesterday morning she made her appearance. And let me just say her presence is much more substantial than normal. So naturally I was pretty pumped. I knew that her presence by yesterday would mean that my levels would be dropping considerably. This morning Brian and I happily showed up at 8:30 for my blood draw and for the rest of the instructions on how to work the Follistim Pen and how to mix Menopur. The nurse was sweet and told me she’d call herself when she got the results back. And so she did. And as soon as the phone rang I had a funny feeling the news would not be good…


My E2 level? 346.


Fuck.


So. I was told as of now, not to start stims Thursday night. But I will need to go in Thursday morning for another E2 check, and an ultrasound to rule out any cysts. Fuck.


I have of course consulted Dr. Google only to find horrible information that makes me think IVF will never work for us. Basically one site indicated that elevated levels can point to a problem with ovarian reserve. Which can significantly lower IVF success rates. The only thing that kept me from hurtling myself on to the train tracks, was that I pulled up my records from my Full Blood panel on CD3 in October, and my E2 was 34. So the other possible scenarios, which I discussed with my nurse are:


A) It could be due to a Cyst. I have never had or been diagnosed with a cyst before, but I am technically poly cystic – so maybe now is just the time. Fanfuckingtastic.

B) My nurse said she has seen cases where Lupron actually causes stimulation instead of suppression, which in that case would cause a higher E2.


Now comes the part where I get to stew and over analyze things without having factual information to back it up. In the last few weeks I have, off and on, felt a strange pinching twinge on my right side near where my ovary would be. My right side is my dominant side, if that means anything at all. No pain, just a weird pinch while sitting up in bed, sporadically. It could have been gas, who knows.


Here are my concerns: I’m only on 10 units of Lupron per day. Which seems low compared to other bloggers – I know, I know, you’re not supposed to compare cycles since everyone is different. But really it seems low.


I could really use some more information about this, whether from experience or a reputable website.


HALP!

Ten Units Please!

Lupron shot number one is DOWN! Annnnnd my husband is a total rock star for two reasons: 1) I am still alive and 2) I didn’t feel a thing! I panicked only a little in an excited-giggly-school-girl kind of way, but got over it pretty quickly when I realized he was doing the shot but it didn’t hurt a bit! I am by no means a needle-phob, I’ve just never had anyone who wasn’t professionally trained, jab a needle in my arm. Good times. So as recommended by my in-cycle nurse we are doing the Lupron in the fatty part of the back of my upper arm. (Ironically the place I like to torture the people I love with a surprise pinch when they don’t know I’m behind them.) Because at one point we will be doing three shots per day, she recommended not using all of the “real-estate” on my stomach since it can get sore. Sounds fair to me.

So call me Spotty-Mc–TMI-Spotterson, I’m still spotting but it’s starting to clear up RIGHT IN TIME for me to finish up BCP’s on Thursday and wait for AF to show. Nothing like having your period for two weeks... So the spotting actually got worse starting Friday night, and stayed that way through Sunday. (Like bright red, and requiring more than a liner) I did call in and actually spoke with Dr. 3 since he is on call after hours. My nurse told me to call if it got worse, so I did. I felt a little sheepish bugging him for something that seemed so trivial, but A) I don’t know enough about IVF to gauge if my spotting should even be considered trivial, mostly due to fact that Dr.Google, and all of you seemed to have been treated differently per your respective clinics. And B) I remembered how much we’re paying this chump, he can take a three minute phone call from me don't think he minded that much. Anyhoo, he diplomatically, and promptly explained that it was fine. That they prefer not to ask patients to double up on BCP’s because most people just end up complaining of nausea and go back to taking one per day anyway.

So HOLY CRAP we’re really doing this! I’m feeling really good, and taking a lot of time for myself by thinning out our schedule. It’s been really nice to have the extra alone time with Brian, and not having too much going on socially is a bigger relief than I realized it would be. By the way, thanks so much for all of your thoughtful comments. Even though it’s still early in the cycle you’ve been extremely supportive and super cheerleader-y and I really, truly appreciate it.

GO INJECTABLES!