I’m losing faith in this cycle. And more than that, I’m losing faith in the concept of IVF ever making us a family to begin with… Nothing with Infertility ever seems to work out to be cut and dry. Nothing Textbook. Nothing as planned. At least for me, anyway.
I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that my journey here isn’t remotely close to coming to a conclusion. Intellectually I can comprehend the fact that three and a half years compared to a lifetime is relatively small stretch of time. But it is so fucking hard to keep any conviction in the fact that this awful period will be someday be a distant memory when you’re chest deep in the shittiest parts of it.
I'm just exhausted from all of this. Exhausted from not fitting in with my friends. From shots and pills, that aren’t making the slightest fucking difference. I’m forty five shots in and have nothing to show for it. Still. No. Period. I’m exhausted from pining and aching for this person I’ve never met. From dreaming about babies that will never be mine…
Since my period STILL hasn’t shown, I’ll be going in for another u/s and E2 check tomorrow as planned . I want to scream at Dr.3, and tell him whatever fucking method he was going by clearly isn’t working and he needs to figure this shit out. Quick. That I didn’t just hand him my life savings, but every ounce of faith, every dream and every part of me that aches to become a mother. And he needs to start treating me and this cycle as such. Like every bit of my happiness is resting on his shoulders. Because it is. I’m tired of watching our future hanging in the balance. And wondering when or if it might fall.
But I won’t because I’m chicken shit, and as soon as my pants come off and that paper dress goes on my mind goes blank and all I can manage are simple phrases and sentence fragments. I sincerely hope this is the Lupron talking and not really my entire belief system crumbling before me. Because it sure fucking feels like it.
22 comments:
While you and I are obviously different people with different bodies, here is what worked (meaning, I made it to egg retrieval!) for me:
(1) Stopping Lupron
(2) Course of Provera to bring on menses
(3) Aspirating cyst
(4) Antagonist protocol
Doctors love Lupron. My body did not. It seems like yours might not either. There are options. Your RE may need some prodding to explore them.
Best of luck with whatever happens!
I have no real words of advice for you, but I am thiinking of you and hoping for a way out for you soon. Stupid lupron!!!
I agree with the above poster- there are other ways around this besides Lupron. And he needs to try something else, or you will find a new doc who will. Your emotional well being should count for something.
And yes, Lupron will make you moody!
This all really really really sucks. I don't even know what else to say. I could go into how you don't deserve this, but we all already know that. This all should've happened so differently and I am just so very pissed for you. I wish that made some sort of a difference.
I don't think you should yell at your RE ('cause really, what good would it do in the long run), but I do think it would be appropriate, and even desirable, for you to calmly discuss your concerns with him. I.e., "The approach we've taken so far doesn't seem to be working. We have a lot of money and emotion invested in this. What can we change to get the outcome we want?" Perfectly valid conversation to have at this point, IMO.
I'm sorry you're going through this. :-(
I second what Marisa and others have said! Fucking Lupron! But I'm glad you have this outlet and we are always here to listen, because we totally get it, and you need to get this maddening shit out! I think the doc will get it and likely they will start you on a different, probably maybe antagonistic, protocol. Just like for Marisa, Lupron made things worse for me too, and we had to cancel a cycle and move onto a more aggressive protocol. Hopefully, maybe when you read this next time, it can give you some hope or make you feel better. We have a lot of hope for you!
This was not the news I was hoping to read :( I am so sorry this is happening and I agree - nothing with IF ever goes as planned and I wish , with all of my might and heart that our varying paths could be easier, much easier.
I hope you find your voice while you are in the stirrups to ask if there is something, anything else you can do!!
Sending you calming, hopeful thoughts.
I don't know about this medication protocol the doc has you on, but I do think you should voice your concerns that it is not working for you and that you are would like to try something else. He is your doctor, and he has an obligation to not only care for you but to listen.
I REALLY hope you get some answers tomorrow. I know exactly what you mean about your mind going blank when you're on that table. I wish I could call Dr. 3 for you. I hate this for you.
This is NO indication of the outcome of the cycle. seriously.
makingmemom.blogspot.com
I know there are no words. I just want you to know I am thinking about you...every day.
POPEFFIN'CYSTANDLETMELISSA'SPERIODCOMEALREADY!!
Whoosh! Just had to get that out.
Can you feel this UBER HUG through the monitor? XOXO
Oh, Melissa. My heart goes out to you. You have waited so long to start this cycle, and now that you have started it, you can't even really start it. How frustrating!!!
I agree with some of the previous posts that you should discuss this with Dr. 3. My suggestion would be to wait and see how the ultrasound goes tomorrow. Have a plan for what you want to say (perhaps you can make yourself some flash cards to remind you of the points you want to make and keep them in your pocket - oh wait, your pants will be on the chair across the room...)
Seriously, though - have a plan for what you want to say. It can be as simple as "Isn't there something that we can do to speed this along???" Or, tell him just like you told us. He should know that as an RE, he holds the hopes and dreams of every one of his patients in his hands. And there is nothing wrong with you being your own advocate!
My heart just goes out to you. I can't imagine how infuriating this process has been for you. I don't get it. Why can't anything just be simple??? There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said, but I wanted you to know how much I've been thinking of you. I hope Dr. 3 can come up with a solution to fix this issue. You've been through so much for this cycle to be a wash. That just can't happen. Big hugs, Melissa. xoxo
I am with you....when people (fertiles) ask how long we have been trying and I say 3.5 years, they say, 'oh, thats not so long'. I want to cut them!! Not that long! No in the grand scheme of life it isn't, but to fail, worry, cry and be concerned for that long, day after day, month after month, it seems like an eternity! Then through in all your friends having had at least one, if not two or three kids in that time, it is heart crushing.
I hope you get your answers soon and if you have to push the doctor...DO IT! This is your life, your dream, your future, your time and your money!
My heart aches for you and I am thinking about you...
Oh man.
You've been doing the Lupron Dance way too long (I used to always sing Lupron Dance to "Neutron Dance" whenever I had to take those shots). I am so sorry things are not progressing like they should. I hope you get some answers from your RE! Just imagine the papergown as a superhero cape and just shout at him!
I can sense your frustration through your post. I'm so sorry that the cycle isn't going like it should and you're losing confidence.
I hope that whatever route you take (shouting or not) gets you closer to your goal.
And Lupron does suck - I really hope you can be done with it soon!
I usually have trouble remembering everything that I want to say at the doctor's office, so I write it all down. And, I ask if I can talk to the doctor in my regular clothes before the exam. Somehow, I can think better when I'm not wearing a gown with my lady parts on display and my legs in the air. Even if I am just sitting on the table with a sheet covering me so that I can look at the doctor and take notes makes a big difference.
Good luck!
I don't have any advice or smart suggestions to offer, just my support, thoughts and presence. I cry with you as I read the words meant for Dr.3 in your 4th paragraph, such powerful words and emotion.
Sending you positive, pop-o-cyct-pop vibes your way.
Dr. 3 is a straight shooter. You should tell him this isn't working for you and ask him what he plans on doing to fix this. Not doing anything is NOT working.
Thinking of you - so unfair you have to go through this crap. You deserve much much better. Hoping things turn around soon. xx
Been thinking about you today, Melissa! *hugs* <3
I hope like hell Dr. 3 came up with a game plan for you!
I can relate to alot of what you said in this post. Infertility fucking sucks!!!
Its not fair that you haven't even been able to "start" your cycle yet. I think you need to discuss options with your RE, just so you know what the next step is.
Sending you many HUGS!!
Oh Honey this journey really sucks and you are just not getting a break! I wish there was some magical abracadabra I could say that would send AF in and end this terrible waiting and set your faith back on track. I don't... but I am sending you a hug and much strength and we will hold onot hope for you as your faith fails.
Oh and I say give Dr3 hell! It might help to relieve some of the pressure which I imagine may be building.
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