Fear Factor

Things that I fear about creating a DI family.

1. That our openness about D.I. will invite unwanted comments or discrimination towards our child when they are older.

2. Whether or not they will have resentment towards us and their conception.

3. About how this will impact any future medical issues.

4. That our child will feel different from the rest of the family.

5. What they are going to look like? If they take completely after the donor? How is that going to make both of us feel?

6. Genealogy projects in school.

7. When they choose to look for their biological father.

From the time that Brian and I began considering DI over IVF, we worried that it was "taking the easy way out". HOLY CRAP was I wrong about that. While IVF clearly has the market cornered on being physically invasive/demanding, I personally think DI has the market on being emotionally taxing. This process so far has left me more unstable than dealing with infertility alone, except the side effects are the same. Just when you think you have a few answers and you dust yourself off a little, something comes out of right field to knock you down again. And I mean DOWN. Like we either need to knock off a jewelry store for some IVF money or resign ourselves to the idea of not having kids at all, because this is SO HARD.

We purchased a few donor profiles Sunday night, and were swiftly reminded that none of them will ever be as good as Brian. While for the last few weeks I'd been eager to read up on the extended profiles with Facial Feature Reports and/or Baby pictures. I suddenly found myself repulsed by the staggering amount of information we'd received. It hit us both hard. Almost like we'd rather flip a coin or let someone else choose.

I started to feel really unsure about the process, and over the next few days neither Brian nor I brought it up. I thought that I had made a little progress on the "loss of a biological child" front. But clearly I haven't. Still, when I start to get too far down on it, I think about the fact that I would totally adopt if it wasn't also out of our price range. I would gladly donate a kidney tomorrow if it meant I could leave the hospital with an adopted child. Like a good deed provided in lieu of payment. I mean that. We would adopt in a heartbeat if it wasn't more expensive than IVF. And adoption isn't with out its emotional baggage either. I understand that. Which only reminds me why we'll be able to come to terms with DI. Of course it's not our first choice, but it's better than the alternative - no children at all. I don't mean to sound callous. OF COURSE we are going to LOVE any child we are blessed with. I just mean - FUCK! - why does it have to be so hard to start a family???!!!

I've talked with a few different women who conceived through DI, after dealing with MFI. They've all said that once that baby is in your arms nothing else matters... I believe them. I just wish I had that confidence now. It feels like such a colossal leap of faith. 

Could You Repeat That Please?

I finally heard from the Tissue Bank Director at my clinic. She will help us coordinate our purchase of the sperm. She let me know that I will need to call her as soon as I place an order for my shipment of sperm. Evidently I have to have an appointment to ship and deliver sperm. The coordinator needs to verify that the sperm that they receive is the sperm that I ordered. Do you see how many times I've said the word sperm in the last three sentences? Well that is a fraction of the amount of times that this woman mentioned it during our seven minute phone call. I don't know if you noticed but I have tactfully referred to the containers sperm, as vials in previous posts- Instead of saying the word SPERM, OVER AND OVER.

Literally first sentence I heard from her after I answered my cell phone was "Hi Melissa, I understand you have some questions about ordering sperm"... Am I being childish, or prude? Sperm is such a bizarre word. The sound of it is just so severe, clunky even.

Every time I hear it aloud I imagine it being printed in BIG BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS: SPERM.

I guess the reason it caught me off guard is because everyone else I've dealt with at my clinic speaks with such a delicate and reassuring inflection. This woman could have been confirming the delivery of my Rototiller.

Moving on, it's starting to feel that much more real now. It's exciting. Next thing on our list is to actually choose a donor. And order our VIALS.

The Proposal

I knew today was going to be a good day. I have a new bra on, and some how that always makes the sky that much more blue... I spoke with my IUI Coordinator today. She was helpful and had a very soothing telephone voice. Which I totally appreciate because I am the freak who's blood pressure sky rockets whenever I'm at the doctors office. The anticipation KILLS me for some reason. And even when I receive a phone call from them I can feel my chest tightening, among other things...

She told me that she was going to walk me through each step of the preparation for my IUI and that I could take notes if I wanted but that she was also going to send me a list with all of the details. - A list? For Moi? Enchanté...

First I need to go in for more blood tests that probably won't be covered by my insurance. SHOCKING.

1.Blood Type, (which I should know but don't),
2.Rubella (which I hopefully don't have)
3.Varicella (which is Chicken Pox, had it when I was a kid)
4.Prolactin (which I'm told is the hormone associated with lactation, and I'm pretty sure there's none of that going on, but they're the doctors, so whatever. )
5.CBC - (Complete Blood Count - Checks the quantities of Red and White Blood Cells and Platelets, hearing that makes me think "CBC, and a CHEM 7". I loved ER)

In the packet she's going to send me I'll be getting a few different consent forms which will need to be notarized. They have to do with the actual Insemination procedure and the Cryo Preservation of our vials. And after all that is taken care of, as long as my blood tests come back clean, I mean okay, of course they'll be clean. Then we just wait until August...

Speaking of waiting until August, when we told our RE that we were planning to do it then, he said it was a shame that we were waiting so long because he's like to see me pregnant much sooner. Awwwwwwwwwww. He's a very soft spoken southern gentleman, with a perfectly lovely bedside manner, and good sense of humor. I LOVE HIM. I was really hesitant to see a male doctor at first because I have always had female Physicians. I like my mechanics to own their own car's, if you know what I mean. He's only seen my goods once for an ultrasound, but he has such a comforting presence that I didn't seem to be as nervous with him. He also told us that he thinks a double IUI would be best because we are planning an "Unmedicated Cycle". So I'll be doing OPK's to monitor. Then the morning that I receive a positive test I'll go in for my first IUI, and then again the next morning.

The feeling I have right now is what I was expecting after my last call with with our RE. I am so thrilled to begin this process, I'm just over the moon right now... I have another conference call with my Cryo Bank Coordinator. She just came back from vacation so I'm not sure when she'll be able to get back to me. Hopefully soon. And as for August? Well, lets hope that comes soon too.

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No Way Back

The process of choosing to create a DI family has been just as emotional as dealing with IF. Just a new set of "What if's" and "How come's". Well at least for me anyway. It was a pretty rough night in the Griffin household this Saturday. Had myself a meltdown...

Even though we've made a decision, the fact that we didn't have a definitive plan left me with the need to discuss the topic incessantly. I can't help it, I'm a planner. I HAVE to obsess, otherwise I'LL DIE FROM NOT HAVING SUFFICIENT CONTROL. Every time I brought it up, it seemed like Brian wasn't in the mood to talk about it, or I only got short answers. I accused him of avoiding the topic, pointing out that his lack of discussion and interest in searching for donors was his secret way of telling me he never wanted to have kids with me at all. AT ALL!!! It started out innocently enough, while we were discussing the process with some really close friends of ours. When suddenly our conversation took a violent turn in the center of my head... Then well, Yada yada, I left our friend's house bawling. After a deafeningly silent car ride home I thought it'd be a good a idea for me to take a drive and consult the Foo Fighters- In Your Honor album, for some solid advice. Or at the very least, play it loud enough to muffle my sobs. After an hour of sitting in my car parked at a vista point, in front of a couple who was undoubtedly creating an illegitimate child of their very own in their car, Brian called me and begged me to come home. When I say begged I mean, tried to sound like he was worried instead of mad. So I went home. But I took the long way. Cause I'm 30, and I can do that if I want to. Only to find him already asleep when I walked in the door.

We're doing better today. There are still many more discussions to be had. And Brian admitted that he may have been a little less than accommodating when it came to my questions. But told me that he didn't always feel the need to discuss it at my suggested lengths. And that it seems so far away, what's the rush? My urgency stems from the crazy, which is propelled by the hormones, who are sponsored by the Infertility. And we're coming up on two years here. I'M READY FOR A CHILD, GET IT? What I mean is, it's all part of the journey. And actually I think that Odyssey is probably a more accurate term. Makes it sound more lengthy and treacherous, doesn't it?


This afternoon we had our first consultation with our RE since our test review in January. We told him that we had decided on DI, he congratulated us, and began to tell us the basic steps to get on our way. Surprisingly my demeanor was a little more solemn than I thought it would be. I've been looking forward to making this call- Taking our first real step towards finally having a family, and instead of hanging up with a beaming smile, and girlish laugh, my polite work-like tone was all I could manage. I feel a loss. Still.

Part of that loss, is from our bank account. It's going to cost double what I thought it would because of the amount of vials our Doctor prefers that we order. And for the process he prefers. It's partly my fault though, I keep forgetting to use the "Home Owner Rule" when it comes to medical bills. This rule usually applies to repairs, whatever you estimate the maximum cost will be, DOUBLE IT.

After the rest of our questions were answered by the doctor he set up two more conference calls for me this week. One will be with my Cycle/IUI Coordinator, and the other will be with the Go-To person for handling our shipments from the California Cryobank. I'd like to give you a better breakdown of the specifics for this process but I don't have a complete grasp on what exactly that is yet. But I promise I'll let you know as soon as I do. It's time for bed now... Stayed tuned for details on the chat with our RE

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The Easter Bunny Can Suck It

Easter sucks. Why? Because it's another holiday that's marketed towards kids. Did I ever tell you that we don't have any? Children I mean. I almost completely forgot, and then while I was hiding bottles of Chardonnay in my backyard I remembered that they should be colored eggs instead. Hard boiled eggs dipped in every pastel color that would match the variety of receiving blankets made for the babies that will grow up to hunt for them. Plastic eggs filled with chocolate and jellybeans, and coins that would surely generate a smile on the face every oshkoshbegoshed little body on earth.

I'm fortunate in that I didn't have to spend my Easter with young children to remind me of what I'm missing out on. Truthfully I drank Mimosa's on my Sister-In-Laws patio. It was lovely. But that doesn't mean I didn't think about it. 

Seeing pregnant women used to crush me, but now it's families. Walking through Safeway seeing a Mom tell her daughter she can't have the sugar booger cereal, or seeing a dad place pears in a produce bag, while contorting around a baby bjorn. It truly is torture on a whole new level. 

I still stick with what I said in my last post though, I'm actually in pretty good place emotionally. But the holiday's still get to me. Even Easter.

*Thanks for the "Easter Basket" Jenn*

Identity Crisis

It's not always evident when you read my one of my posts, but I am a pretty practical, deliberate, and no nonsense person. So when we first began discussing the fact that we would be completely honest with our child and family about DI, I was well aware that we would likely run into some asshole who'd inevitably say some rude/narrow-minded bullshit, which might lead to me being dragged away in handcuffs. Okay maybe I wouldn't go that far, but I really assumed that after a brief and gentle explanation to that person about DI and why what they said was offensive, I'd be able to shake it off. Or at the very least, laugh at them over a glass of wine later that night while daydreaming about their mysterious disappearance.

The book I'm reading about DI families discusses public tolerance and basically says if your are going to be open with your child from an early age, as we plan to, you need to expect to hear words like "Sperm bank" and "donor family" from your four year old's mouth while in mixed company. Because at four years old, discretion means nothing. So strangers will likely hear of your child's background before your are ready to confide in them. SO BE PREPARED.

We're only about ankle deep in the world of what it is to be a DI family. (We haven't even told our whole family yet) But right around the time that we made our final decision, I came across some really hurtful comments about deciding to use DI on a forum I belong to. I couldn't believe that in this place I considered to be safe, that I would read such rude/narrow-minded bullshit. It stopped me dead in my tracks, I wanted to retreat. And for a second (actually a day) I considered making my blog private again. So that I could use discretion when sharing our story... I was overwhelmed by a sudden urge to protect our privacy, to run from those disparaging comments. I confided in Brian my dismay at the bigotry I encountered and he poetically responded with "Fuck them, why do you care what they think anyway?" And again. I was stopped dead in my tracks. Why did I care what they thought?! Who was this pansy running from the first bit of resistance?! I felt like I was in fifth grade again running away from the kids who made fun of my off brand jeans.

Infertility has thrown so many curve balls that I shouldn't have been surprised by yet another after school beating. But fortunately, that little episode was nothing more than a blip on my radar. There are so many other things to think about now, so many wonderful things. Like morning sickness and swollen ankles.

For the longest time I've used this blog as at outlet for sadness and frustration. But I all of a sudden find myself with nothing to report but absolute glee. I am no longer stymied by a heavy heart. The countdown has begun.

We're planning to do our first IUI this August. And I am FUCKING stoked.