Shrunk

I'd never been to see a therapist before yesterday. My clinic has a licensed Marriage and Family therapist on staff who specializes in IF. She's actually dealt with IF herself. She was much warmer than I expected. I was completely prepared for a sterile room (no pun intended), open ended questions and bouts of silence. Like you'd see with Tony and Dr. Melfi. But there wasn't a moment were one of the three of us didn't have something to say. The validation we got from that session was like a divine intervention. It was about as reassuring as a conversation with god himself could have been as far as I'm concerned.

Before I tell you more about this, I'd like to clarify that Brian and I both scheduled this session for the same reason - me. In case you couldn't tell by the last oh, 76 posts, I've COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND. Yes, she asked us both questions, and Brian answered everything wholeheartedly, but I'm sure by about four minutes in, the Doctor figured out that I was the main reason for the appointment... I told her about my fears. I told her that I worried that Brian had settled on DI just for me. And how I was afraid that I was being unreasonable by not wanting to wait an undefinable amount of time to save up the money for IVF. That we were rushing into this, because I couldn't wait any longer...

In a nutshell she responded with:

"Melissa, the people who spend the most money don't always win. And I wouldn't say you are rushing into anything. TWO YEARS of trying- completely voids the whole rushing in thing. Keep your eyes on the prize. If you want a family NOW, go get one. If DI is the most reasonable way for you both to attain that, then you're making a fine choice. And also: you're crazy. My receptionist will get you our standard issue straight jacket on your way out."

Okay so I might have paraphrased a little. And maybe she didn't actually tell me that I had lost my mind. Nor did she issue me a straight jacket. But its likely that she at least considered it.

In all honesty we walked out of there with the peace I had hope to achieve in at least eight sessions. I know that sounds too perfect, but I swear it wasn't all peaches and cream. She told us that some of our other fears would probably come true and that our struggles weren't close to over. DI is going to be a life long journey. We have a lot of learning to do, and its never going to stop. And I feel strangely good about that. I feel like this was meant to be in some way. Like we are supposed to deal with this challenge, and we'll be better parents/people for it.

She also confirmed what Brian had been telling me all along. That he really was fine with DI. Like I had already mentioned here, and here. She told me that I was projecting my own fears on to him, and assuming that he'd deal with all this like I would. She said he genuinely appeared to be on board with doing DI. Then she threw out some psycho-babel about how men don't think or process things the same way women do...

I would say that this appointment was worth every penny, but at some point during our discussion, the therapist mentioned that the clinic provides your first counseling appointment for free. FREE. SOMETHING OTHER THAN LIBRARY BOOKS - THAT WAS RELATED TO INFERTILITY- WAS FREEEEEE. Finally. But seriously I would gladly have paid a nominal fee for the advocacy we received from her. Someone who's probably had this conversation a million times in her 20-30 career. She gave us the confidence we needed to move forward. And so we will. And had I not had to get the rubella vaccine yesterday we'd be doing it next month. But instead we'll have to settle for July. We're bumping things up a month.

Could You Repeat That Please?

I finally heard from the Tissue Bank Director at my clinic. She will help us coordinate our purchase of the sperm. She let me know that I will need to call her as soon as I place an order for my shipment of sperm. Evidently I have to have an appointment to ship and deliver sperm. The coordinator needs to verify that the sperm that they receive is the sperm that I ordered. Do you see how many times I've said the word sperm in the last three sentences? Well that is a fraction of the amount of times that this woman mentioned it during our seven minute phone call. I don't know if you noticed but I have tactfully referred to the containers sperm, as vials in previous posts- Instead of saying the word SPERM, OVER AND OVER.

Literally first sentence I heard from her after I answered my cell phone was "Hi Melissa, I understand you have some questions about ordering sperm"... Am I being childish, or prude? Sperm is such a bizarre word. The sound of it is just so severe, clunky even.

Every time I hear it aloud I imagine it being printed in BIG BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS: SPERM.

I guess the reason it caught me off guard is because everyone else I've dealt with at my clinic speaks with such a delicate and reassuring inflection. This woman could have been confirming the delivery of my Rototiller.

Moving on, it's starting to feel that much more real now. It's exciting. Next thing on our list is to actually choose a donor. And order our VIALS.

Complicated

We heard back from the RE regarding the genetic testing for Brian. The great news is that he does not have the Y Chromosome Microdeletion. Fantastic to know for the fact that it won't be passed down to our potential son(s), but unfortunately it doesn't change the fact that we will still need IVF.

While we discussed the possibility of Brian having a chromosomal error, the RE mentioned the idea of using a sperm donor. Brian and I had discussed this a while ago and decided it wasn't something we wanted to do. But when we were speaking with the RE he asked us if adoption was something we had considered, when we said yes, he pointed out that if we did use a donor, the child would at least be biologically be one of ours (mine). And that if we knew we could love and care for an adopted child, what would be the difference if only one of us would be related by blood? Thank you doctor, we REALLY needed to add another quandary to our situation.

So before we received the results to the blood tests, we let the idea of Brian having a chromosomal error sink in, and the more we thought about it the more we became concerned about what could be passed on to our potential children. And the more a donor sounded like a good idea. You're probably wondering how that could even be an option for us. Believe it or not, I have had a harder time with it than Brian, I couldn't let go of the idea of this baby not being half of my husband. Not having his eyes or smile or height, or bionic metabolism. But moving passed my romantic notions, there are dozens of other factors that should be taken into consideration. First of all we would never ask anyone we knew for a "donation". And despite the crude jokes that some of Brian's guy friends have made, I would not be asking any of them for "assistance". I digress. So. Should we use an anonymous donor? Or one that is open to being contacted after a child has been conceived. Not that we would want to keep in touch but for the childs sake. You can of course choose a donor that has similar physical features, but you also need to look at the quality of his sperm. We also decided that if we were to use a donor we would be open with our child. Which brings up even more things to think about... Even if you begin telling this child everything from a very early age and explain that they are very much loved and wanted and that they're special, will they resent us? Will they want to look for their biological father? How will that make us feel? Will they feel different from other kids or worse, different than Brian? Will they have the same connection with him?

One of the benefits of using a donor is that it would not require IVF. IVF is physically and emotionally a very taxing procedure with months of preparation. And it costs like a bazillion dollars. If we were to use a donor we could do an IUI, or Intra Uterine Insemination. The RE gave us up to an 80% chance of conceiving per cycle in the first six months with a donor IUI. That is excellent. It's also under 2k. But forget the monetary costs for a moment. What would a failed IVF cost us emotionally? Our chances with IVF are more like 40-60%. And the devastation of an unsuccessful IVF is something we still aren't prepared to deal with.

Our conversation with the good doctor took place via conference call, Friday night. Right before his two week trip to India. So we have some time to think of a few more pages of questions for him, we plan to bombard him when he gets back. Safe trip Doc, safe trip.

Is That An Ultrasound Probe, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

We met with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) this morning. When I called originally they asked that we make the appointment in the middle of my cycle. The appointment includes a one hour consultation to discuss our test results and an ultrasound for me to monitor my follicles and to make sure I didn't have any cysts. The follicle is the fluid sac within the ovary that contains the egg, and is best measured towards the middle of your cycle. Now that I think about it I should have asked for a print out so that you could see what a phenomenal uterus I have. Doc said everything looks perfect. The main reason why that is relevant is because Brian's semen analysis was extremely abnormal. He's got the trifecta of bad results and it looks like our only option of conceiving a genetic child of our own would be through Invitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection or IVF w/ ICSI. So I'm hoping the fact that my plumbing is in great shape gives us a much higher percentage that the IVF would be successful. And its all ours for the low, low price of $15,000ish. Did I mention how lovely you look today? That shirt is... something else... It really brings out your eyes. And that wallet, it looks so heavy, let me hold that for you... There, that's better....

SUCKAAAH!

Ugh. So yes, there is a shot in hell for us. And it does accept Mastercard or Visa. But the thing is, the monetary gamble is not the scariest part. The potential devastation we face if it doesn't work - is unthinkable. So needless to say we aren't quite ready for that yet. Emotionally or financially. So we are back to square one. Taking some much needed time off...

Infertility: A Double Feature

You've seen those suspense movies where you think you have it all figured out and you're sure they are going to save the day with just a second to spare? But then they throw in a major screw ball twist that you didn't see coming! And that's the part where doubt creeps in... I know its only been a few weeks since my doctor gave me a glimmer of hope. But that sadly, was short lived. What I didn't mention is that when she walked me out of the exam room, she handed me a business card for the Pacific Fertility Center. And it's been burning a hole in my wallet ever since. I can't help but think what a waste of time it might be trying, unknowingly, in vain for the next few months. She handed it to me with a soft smile and told me to call it when I felt ready. Turns out: I'm ready for my close up.

Brian and I had talked a month or two ago and decided we weren't ready to shop for a fertility clinic just yet. But I don't feel that way anymore. I want a baby, and I'm tired of waiting. I'm not stressed. I'm not depressed. I'm just overdue. It's officially been a year this month since we started trying but it feels like an eternity. I have been back and forth with telling myself that we could be perfectly healthy and it really will just happen when its supposed to. But I'm kind of feeling that is just delusional cheerleadery bullshit. Yep. I think I need to make that phone call. SOON. I imagine that it will be at least a month or three before I can get an appointment anyway. Or I guess I really should be saying "we". It may not be me.... Sorry dear but that is a fact. One that I pray does not affect us... Here goes nothing.

***** Update: I just left the office to go outside and make the phone call and it turns out I need to do some routine testing through my doctor before I spend $325 on a 1 hour consultation. Yikes. 8/29/2008