History

Given everything that I've shared with you, I think we can safely agree that 2008 was most definitely on par with a raging case of herpes and a severe UTI. And Brian and I couldn't have been happier to celebrate its departure from our very own living room, with a few good friends.

I'm trying to stop thinking about how horrendous the past year was and starting looking ahead again to what might be. In the days following our initial decision to remain an Aunt and Uncle, I couldn't help but feel giddy dreaming of the potential freedoms that lay ahead. I thought about taking a few classes at CSM. I thought about planning some weekend getaways, and even about learning how to play the drums. I want to join a wine club, and finally do something with the spare bedroom. It's been that awful peach color for much longer than it deserves. And maybe, just maybe it will be a nursery one day. But I can't plan for someday anymore. I need to think about tomorrow. And what I'm going to cook Brian for dinner, and more importantly what kick ass bottle of wine I'll be serving with it. Maybe I'll take some cooking classes - improve my knife skills. I'm definitely going to start jogging again. I miss the clarity it gave me.

As pretty as that "plan" sounds it's quite possible that a month from now I'll be posting about how we're trying to sell both of our cars to pay for IVF. But as far as expanding our family goes - I'm not going to think that far ahead yet.

Is That An Ultrasound Probe, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

We met with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) this morning. When I called originally they asked that we make the appointment in the middle of my cycle. The appointment includes a one hour consultation to discuss our test results and an ultrasound for me to monitor my follicles and to make sure I didn't have any cysts. The follicle is the fluid sac within the ovary that contains the egg, and is best measured towards the middle of your cycle. Now that I think about it I should have asked for a print out so that you could see what a phenomenal uterus I have. Doc said everything looks perfect. The main reason why that is relevant is because Brian's semen analysis was extremely abnormal. He's got the trifecta of bad results and it looks like our only option of conceiving a genetic child of our own would be through Invitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection or IVF w/ ICSI. So I'm hoping the fact that my plumbing is in great shape gives us a much higher percentage that the IVF would be successful. And its all ours for the low, low price of $15,000ish. Did I mention how lovely you look today? That shirt is... something else... It really brings out your eyes. And that wallet, it looks so heavy, let me hold that for you... There, that's better....

SUCKAAAH!

Ugh. So yes, there is a shot in hell for us. And it does accept Mastercard or Visa. But the thing is, the monetary gamble is not the scariest part. The potential devastation we face if it doesn't work - is unthinkable. So needless to say we aren't quite ready for that yet. Emotionally or financially. So we are back to square one. Taking some much needed time off...

Just Say No

I have a relatively simple question for you. When are you going to have kids? 

In the past I always answered this honestly, but vaguely with "someday".  Brian and I have since decided that we would be pretty honest from now on, especially because this question would be coming mostly from people we know. But what do we say to strangers? People we've just met who ask very innocently if we have children at all.  It's already happened to me twice in the last week and so far I've just given a simple no. Brian thinks that I could come across smug and selfish by not explaining that we actually want them, and tried, but that it didn't work out for us. I however predict crickets during the BIG. GIANT. AWKWARD. pause from the people we JUST met who now know that we are barren. Infertile. Childless, not necessarily by choice.  Is it fair to saddle complete strangers with the news of our hardship? I would feel terrible if I just met someone then apologized for my cold and they said "Oh, don't worry about it, I have a rare form of extremely aggressive cancer".... 

So help a girl out. Will at  least one of the six of you that read this blog leave me a comment with your opinion, or suggestion?

H.S.G. = D.O.N.E.

Yesterday I had my HSG. It was rather painful from start to finish, Oh but I don't just meant the procedure. Basically the entire visit. I sat around in the waiting room with Teresa, who was sweet enough to take me because they recommend you don't drive home yourself. Finally they called my name and took me into a small room where they gave me a two gowns to put on (one for the front and one for the back) I sat around a little more and a lovely woman named Jill came to walk me to my exam room. She was the assistant technician to the radiologist. Before he came in she asked me a few questions regarding what day of my cycle I was on and the length and flow of my last period. I mentioned something about how my period was like a minute shorter than it normally was and she turned around and looked at me like I told her there could be weapon of mass destruction in my vagina. After shear panic set in for me, she hurried out of the room and came back to tell me that I needed to take a pregnancy test. So I said fine, I was hoping to see another negative pregnancy test this month anyway, just give me something to pee on. Despite the fact that I was IN A HOSPITAL, Jill had no tests and insisted that either I or Teresa go to a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. Let me just reiterate that little scenario in case you didn't catch it all: I was at the HOSPITAL for a test, because after 15 months of trying to get pregnant, I was still unsuccessful, but BEFORE they could give me this test, at THE HOSPITAL, they needed to make sure that 4 days after my last period, I still wasn't pregnant. GOT THAT?!

Good Lord. So Teresa ran to the store and got me the test and OF FUCKING COURSE, it was negative. So they finally took me back to the exam room and began prepping me for the procedure. Jill was very nice and explained everything to me like I was a 5 year old. Which I actually appreciated. The exam room was pretty intimidating it was nice to have my hand held a little. The radiologist came in, Dr. Knapper, as soon as I laid down on the table he said, "Whoa you're tall, how tall are you?" I told him I was 5'10ish, and he said "well you're going to have to scoot down on the table a little more" Then he said "You can never be too thin, too rich, or too far down on the table". He immediately apologized with a giggle and and said that he had to make a joke because I looked a little tense. I laughed. He was pretty nice. It was kind of cool because while they were doing it I was able to watch the monitor and got to see the dye fill up my uterus and spill out of my fallopian tubes. Pretty nutty. So I explained the procedure once before here. But let me just sum it up with: IT HURT. A LOT. I was pretty crampy and tender for the rest of the night, and even into this morning. But I feel fine now, all is well. And the best part is he said my test looked fine. Uterus looked normal, tubes were clear... I'm hoping that I will be amongst the small percentage of women who successfully conceive in the three months after an hsg. No pressure though right?

Nope.

Menses - men·ses - \Men"ses\ mehn-sees
pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)

• A period. Cyclic (monthly) flow of blood (menstruation) signifying ovulation, but failure to achieve pregnancy.

•  Menses - the monthly discharge of blood from the uterus of nonpregnant women from puberty to menopause.
  

When Anger is an Understatement

Normally I would have titled this entry "Nope", but today I find my self ravaged with anger and unable to do so. Surprisingly, not because I'm not pregnant, but just from good old fashioned pms. I am partially writing this entry in hopes that it may come in handy for my defense lawyer during my trial for mass murder. Everyone in my office is in danger. So let this be a warning. I noticed it a little last night, but by this morning it was full blown wrath. Poor Brian, I'm sure he noticed it "a little" too. So if we meet on the street or in a supermarket please be advised that my fury is hazardous to your health, and you would be wise to proceed accordingly. Fortunately for everyone else by 5:30pm tonight I will be halfway through a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and unable to remove myself from the couch.

*For additional legal purposes, I'm going to denote my use of sarcasm in this entry. I'm not really going to kill anyone, I am just currently consumed by my pms. This was only a joke.

I don't know why but I can hear Frank Somerville reading that last part on the 10 O'Clock news, in my head.

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency....

Since I began using Ovulation tests to assist us in "timing" for project: baby griffin; I have accumulated a staggering amount of pregnancy tests. When you buy the Ovulation Kits it comes with free pregnancy tests, like the press on tattoo's in the bottom of a crackerjack box. One time it looked like whom ever packed the box just grabbed a handful and tossed them in to spite the conglomerate they worked for. The ones on the left are the remainder from a four pack of tests that I bought at Costco the weekend after we decided to start trying. They expire in July.

The worst part is I have to order another kit.

Which only means one thing: MORE Free Pregnancy Tests.

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency, I could buy a lithuanian baby.