Over and Out

I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.

Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.

I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.

Nope.

We're crushed.

Nope: The ICLW Edition

Hello there folks! Welcome to my blog. I've been sleeping with an HPT under my pillow for what seems like a fricken ETERNITY but is actually just over two years now. My husband and I were diagnosed with severe MFI in December 2008. (Almost our crapiversary!) After that we spent a very long time planning our next move and decided to go on to Donor Insemination - Which is not going very well at all. Not the donor part, but the insemination and me actually getting pregnant part.

I found out this morning that our 5th dIUI cycle failed. FIFTH! I still have the damn lopsided First Response test sitting next to me. I'm glaring at it, but nothing is changing in that little window - there's something my hormones can't scare into submission.

I can't fucking believe it didn't work AGAIN.

A little more history - Supposedly there is nothing "wrong" with me. "You'll be pregnant in no time" said my RE, and I believed him! So we started with three natural IUI's- back to back and OPK monitored. The last two have been with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. My body has responded well, getting two follicles from each round of meds, but still nothing. Neither myself, nor my RE have any idea why it hasn't worked so far, and it's really starting to piss me off. We plan to do one more cycle with Letrozole, then rob a bank so we can afford a more aggressive approach, because the last 5 cycles have damn near sucked us dry. Okay, FINE, actually we're going to do one more cycle then take a break to save up some cash. Then we'll likely move on to injectables.

Sorry for all of the rambling. If you are interested in a more DI related post you can read this one. It covers a lot. Well I look forward to reading all of your blogs, thanks for stopping by!

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.

Out of My Hands

Raise your hand if you've been lapped by The Duggars more than once. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Anyway, back to me and my bad attitude. Boo to round two!!! Third time better fucking be the charm, is all I'm sayin'. So contrary to the sad, sad picture I posted of Parker, I'm actually pretty pissed off. But the kind of pissed off that builds into sheer drive. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing I suppose, all of our laundry is done. Brian should be thrilled about that. But what do I do with this extra motivation? If motivation were enough to get me pregnant I'd be keeping pace with the Duggar's by now. The reality is I don't have any control of the outcome of my next IUI.

The moment I found out it didn't work I decided to create a new plan. I'm going to loose some weight! I proclaimed. I'll skip this cycle and shed what I can in the next six weeks! After I posted the results of my Big FAT Failure 2.0, I got a phone call from Teresa to see how I was doing. I told her I was frustrated, but that I had devised a plan. This is where she eloquently and ever-so-gently pointed out that, my "new plan" was actually my "new way of coping". I was trying to take control of something in this situation.

I had my first acupuncture appointment this morning since CD1. Ms. B looked at me with empathy and said, "Well you didn't expect to be one of those lucky bitches who gets it on the first try, did you?" I quickly reminded her that this was my second try and she succinctly blurted out "THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!" with a smile and patted the table. She'd better be right. Ms. B told me it couldn't hurt to loose a few pounds, but that my specific weight will not prevent me from getting pregnant. I don't need to skip a cycle to watch my diet, but nothing drastic. No crash diets, no death defying workout plans. I realize she is not my RE, but I still trust her opinion. So she plans to be a little more aggressive with this next cycle. I don't actually know how much more aggressive you can really be with acupuncture, but again... I trust her opinion. I'll begin a new vitamin and herbal suppliment regimen. She also doesn't think I should try a cycle with clomid, or injectables just yet. She says my body is doing the work, we're just waiting for the fireworks to happen.

Dr. RAWKS did tell us it would take up to six tries (gulp). I'm just so tired of waiting. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I've waited long enough! Haven't we all? I don't want to skip a cycle, and neither does Brian. We're going to move ahead this month. We won't be changing up the protocol much. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Now if only that fucking egg and sperm will do what it's supposed to!!!

On that note. Here is a picture that better represents Parker.

Our Monkey-dog in all of his cantankerous splendor.

Nope.

My Big Fat Failure

I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.

I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nope

I woke this morning to a screaming migraine. Typical pms. Exce.drine migraine and a strong pot of coffee always helps clear it up, so I tested just to get it over with. BFN. Game over.

Thanks for all of your support this cycle.

Your Daily Dose of Infertile Angst

Please! Somebody help me! I think my period is trying to kill me! In the seventeen years that I've had my period, this is most definitely THE. WORST. ONE. EVER. I normally get cramps for an hour or so when my period first starts, but I have had them for two days straight now. Like crippling, surging, agonizing death inspired cramps. I literally had to get up three separate times last night to like walk it off. They even woke me up! I was dreaming that I was being mugged and shot. When it was actually just my uterus conspiring against me. Sorry for the tmi, but it had to be said.

One a more exciting note, I got invited to a baby shower! Actually it's not a shower; its a "sprinkle" because this will be her second child. The new baby's Auntie and almost big sister will be throwing it. HOW PRECIOUS. We ran into the mom-to-be-again at Costco yesterday, with her cuter than cute (seriously she's adorable) almost three year old. She IM'd me this afternoon asking me to keep July 11th open for her special event. I told her I would, knowing that there would be absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I would attend. A few minutes later she sent me another message saying that Brian had told her husband about our struggle, and that she was thinking of us. I started to quip back in my head about how she should put two and two together and realize how insensitive her invitation was, when she stopped herself and said that if the shower would be too hard to be around she would understand. I thanked her, and told her I had already sort of planned to politely decline, and that I appreciated her understanding. I hate it when I get all self centered, and smug about other people's thoughtlessness or insensitivity only to have it thrown back in my face with a compassionate gesture or comment. And it's not the swallowing my pride part, it's the realizing how jaded I've become from all of this.

I'm tired of feeling slighted by a friends good news. Or envious of every young mother at the grocery store. I hate that I'm not more excited about my upcoming cycle. It's not that I don't want it to happen, believe me I do. But I'm not giddy, I'm not counting down the days, or even feeling all that optimistic. For all the strength I've gained from enduring IF, it's taken my innocence two fold and replaced it with experience and the knowledge that things don't always work out.


I am one cycle away from our first real chance of getting pregnant. So why aren't I more excited?

Nope.

This is probably the last time I will write one of these posts. The results from the tests show that we are very unlikely to conceive without medical intervention. Brian and I have decided that we do not wish to pursue treatments at this time. Man that sounded litigious. I didn't mean it that way. Let me start over.

I'm not going to post about when I get my period anymore. Brian and I are going to be D.I.N.K.'s (Double Income, No Kids) or better yet: Aunt Liss and Uncle Brian. Before you freak out, let me say a few things.

A.We are very aware that there are other options, medical procedures, adoption, etc.
2.We are not closing the doors on having children forever, but this is our plan through at least 2009.
C.We don't need your input, we need your support.

This has been an excruciatingly painful year. Having been a basket case, and hyper-focused on one goal has been extremely difficult on our marriage. It's affected everything from my overall happiness to my job performance. We can't live like that anymore. The strain is just too unbearable. The test results have brought us to a new level of closeness in so many ways. Brian and I have really bound together and feel immensely connected. We have taken this decision very seriously and talk about it nightly. It's something we both think about through out the day.

We have an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist on December 19Th. But basically just to get some information. We will begin telling our families in the coming days. Some of them may even begin visiting this blog. I welcome that. In the mean time, I'm going to focus on everything I've left behind in the last 16 months: Me, my husband, friends and family. I'm going to appreciate the Holiday's and take one day at a time. I need that.

Nope: with 50% more cynicism

The only way you can really be helpful when talking to a friend or family member who is having issues trying to get pregnant is by listening. Here are a few pearls of wisdom that have been passed my way:

"One Year isn't that long."
Shut up, yes it is. Infertility robs you of many things, contentment and sanity being the main ones. On top of that it forces you to live in two week increments: The two weeks before you ovulate and the two week wait to see if your attempt was successful. Again.

"Stop worrying about it."
Not only is that comment not constructive in any way, but you are basically telling me my feelings of frustration and sadness aren't valid. Piss off.

"Your day will come"
Don't patronize me with your optimism. My own didn't get me pregnant, what makes you think yours will?

And while I'm on my soapbox, DON'T ask people when they are going to have kids. If they haven't offered the details on their life altering decisions, they probably don't want to be interrogated by your ignorant ass.

Nope.

Menses - men·ses - \Men"ses\ mehn-sees
pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)

• A period. Cyclic (monthly) flow of blood (menstruation) signifying ovulation, but failure to achieve pregnancy.

•  Menses - the monthly discharge of blood from the uterus of nonpregnant women from puberty to menopause.
  

Nope.

UGH.

Nope.

Not this month either. I'm okay this time. I am. I feel fine. I'm actually a little surprised by just how fine I really feel. I also feel like having a baby is inevitable for me.

It will happen.

Nope.

I'm not.

When Anger is an Understatement

Normally I would have titled this entry "Nope", but today I find my self ravaged with anger and unable to do so. Surprisingly, not because I'm not pregnant, but just from good old fashioned pms. I am partially writing this entry in hopes that it may come in handy for my defense lawyer during my trial for mass murder. Everyone in my office is in danger. So let this be a warning. I noticed it a little last night, but by this morning it was full blown wrath. Poor Brian, I'm sure he noticed it "a little" too. So if we meet on the street or in a supermarket please be advised that my fury is hazardous to your health, and you would be wise to proceed accordingly. Fortunately for everyone else by 5:30pm tonight I will be halfway through a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and unable to remove myself from the couch.

*For additional legal purposes, I'm going to denote my use of sarcasm in this entry. I'm not really going to kill anyone, I am just currently consumed by my pms. This was only a joke.

I don't know why but I can hear Frank Somerville reading that last part on the 10 O'Clock news, in my head.

Nope.

And while that sucks. I'd like to talk a little bit about the man who didn't get me pregnant this month. That's a joke. Honestly I'd like to tell you how wonderful my husband has been.

I, like most women can be pretty complex. And though I often know he would like to run screaming from the room- He doesn't. I try not to get mad when he mutters under his breath that he can't win, because I know he's right. And because I know I am a big jerk. Brian has been incredibly supportive, and has been my only source for positive reinforcement and hope, especially in the last month. And I am grateful for him. He says the all the cute things I want to hear about me being pregnant soon, but am to guarded to say myself. He works a lot of long days, and still finds the guts to come home to a reproductive-obsessed lunatic. So next time you see him give him a big hug. The poor guy has been a hostage for the better part of a year and could probably use a hug with no strings attached.

Thanks honey, I love you.

Nope.

No tax break for us.

Nope.

I actually don't feel as bummed as I thought I would. I feel numb. Indifferent. Relieved to know, either way. And a little bit glad I'll be able to drink wine on my birthday...

Nope.

Another month, another disappointment. We were pretty bummed yesterday. I actually wrote an entry but decided not to post it. It was pretty cynical. I feel better today. Hopeful. Maybe next month...