Guess Who Thinks She Knows More Than Her RE?

I DO! I DO! I DO! Alright, hear me out. I got a comment on my last post that got me thinking. A lot. "The one thing my RE has stressed throughout this long process... is that each cycle helps them learn more about how your body works. As hard as it is to realize, each failure helps them fine-tune things the next time. " (Thanks Jo!) Not once has Dr. RAWKS questioned me about the intricacies of my cycle, (LIKE HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO OVULATE AFTER AN HCG TRIGGER!!!!) other than what he has seen from my test results. The more I think about it the more I think that the timing of my IUI's has been way off. And I feel like I've been treated by statistical standards. Furthermore I decree that Dr. "RAWKS" is hereby demoted to Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix.

Lemme break it down:

• Frozen sperm lasts about 12-24 hours after it is defrosted. I know, it's astoundingly less than fresh sperm. (I was able to find this info from several sources online, not once have I heard this from my clinic. I thought it would have been closer to a couple of days)
• I ovulate 36+ hours after my Hcg trigger shot. I get the mittleschmertz, so I feel a lot of pressure before I ovulate.
• My last two IUI's have been exactly 24 hours after my trigger.
• Which means by the time I actually ovulate a good portion of the sperm is probably already DEAD.
• I happened to see on TWO other local IF Clinic's websites that the clinics do IUI's closer to 36-40 hours after the trigger. WTF?!

Okay, I know I must seem like I'm grasping at straws to find some possible explanation as to why I still haven't gotten pregnant, but the things I listed above are completely factual. So now I'm left with more frustration over the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. I should have put two and two together a lot sooner, but wouldn't it have been Dr. Rawks' responsibility to follow up with me regarding each mundane detail so that we could "fine-tune" the protocol on our next cycle?! I'm not as mad at him as I am myself. I should have done more research about the longevity of the sperm and sooner. I should have spoken up about the tiny details of my cycle and wanting to be more aggressive with treatments. I could have saved Brian and I a lot of time, heartache, and money.

We have one vial left, and I plan to use it in about two weeks, so there won't be enough time to find a new RE by then. But if things don't work out again next month I can safely say that we will spend the month of January shopping for a new RE. It kinda makes me sad to say that. I do actually like him, he has a fantastic bedside manner, and is incredibly gentle, ahem, down there. But I hate that I haven't gotten the slightest inquiry from him during my FIVE failed cycles. For so long I kept chalking it up to my odds just being low each cycle... But now I think I've kinda been screwed by the lack of attention on my RE's part.

So here's the new plan:

I called this weekend to request an increase in my dosage of Letrozole. The nurse I spoke to said they rarely do that, and Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix is on vacation this week. Which means it's pretty unlikely that another Dr. will trump his orders. So I might have to fight for it. When I go in for my follie check, probably Dec 6th. I'm going to insist that I trigger that night at home and come in 36 hours later. Instead of triggering after my u/s and coming in the next morning. Who the fuck knows if it'll work, but at least I'll feel better knowing that I've done what I can.

P.S. I'd love to hear about your IUI protocol.

Nope: The ICLW Edition

Hello there folks! Welcome to my blog. I've been sleeping with an HPT under my pillow for what seems like a fricken ETERNITY but is actually just over two years now. My husband and I were diagnosed with severe MFI in December 2008. (Almost our crapiversary!) After that we spent a very long time planning our next move and decided to go on to Donor Insemination - Which is not going very well at all. Not the donor part, but the insemination and me actually getting pregnant part.

I found out this morning that our 5th dIUI cycle failed. FIFTH! I still have the damn lopsided First Response test sitting next to me. I'm glaring at it, but nothing is changing in that little window - there's something my hormones can't scare into submission.

I can't fucking believe it didn't work AGAIN.

A little more history - Supposedly there is nothing "wrong" with me. "You'll be pregnant in no time" said my RE, and I believed him! So we started with three natural IUI's- back to back and OPK monitored. The last two have been with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. My body has responded well, getting two follicles from each round of meds, but still nothing. Neither myself, nor my RE have any idea why it hasn't worked so far, and it's really starting to piss me off. We plan to do one more cycle with Letrozole, then rob a bank so we can afford a more aggressive approach, because the last 5 cycles have damn near sucked us dry. Okay, FINE, actually we're going to do one more cycle then take a break to save up some cash. Then we'll likely move on to injectables.

Sorry for all of the rambling. If you are interested in a more DI related post you can read this one. It covers a lot. Well I look forward to reading all of your blogs, thanks for stopping by!

Day By Day

Where the hell has she been?!
You might be asking yourself. Okay probably not. It's more likely that I am overestimating the blogosphere's level of investment in my journey... I digress. Anyhoo, I have been hibernating in a little place I like to call a Crazymessbasketcaseland, and doing a marvelous job at it, by the way. Seriously folks, I have not been in a good place AT ALL. I know my last post was all fluffy and I jabbered on about being thankful and crap, but that was a mask. I was well on my way to CMBC Land and grasping at straws to keep my shit together.

I feel nuts.
Especially when I think about how little I've done as far as IF treatments go. Just the four IUI's. When I have a clear day, I'm able to see the poor condition my mental health is in, and I wonder how I got there. I don't think of myself as a weak and weepy person. But then again, most crazy people don't know they're crazy... Hmm. Food for thought there, huh?

PLEH.
That's HELP backwards. If you're a 'Friends' fanatic, you'll totally get that. Great episode. What was I talking about? Right. Help. I'm getting some.

• My acupuncturist, Ms. B, has been working on my Chakra, and helping me with some visualization tools to help me got out of this place.
• Yesterday I hung out with a few local bloggers. That is always a fantastic way to process garbage and get an outside, yet educated opinion/advice. Even them listening and nodding along to my blathering is helpful, because like all of you - they get it. Thank you so much Nikki and Sarang -private blog).
• My Therapist. As of tonight I will have a therapist. We saw one before, but it was through our clinic and solely to help us process the DI part of this journey. I think my troubles now stem from the long term effects of IF, and my failed IUI's. But god knows what else she'll find wrong with me. I'll let you know how that goes.

As far as my cycle, I am 2dpo today. I had an u/s on Friday to monitor and they found two large follicles on my right side. Evidently they prefer one on each side, but Dr Rawks wasn't surprised because my right side is dominant anyway. He said two follicles is still a good thing. So I triggered on Friday after my u/s and I went back for my IUI on Saturday. There was a total motile count of 10.6 million. Not great. I decided not to thaw another vial. It obviously didn't help last month, so fuck it. I've been feeling a little better the last few days, I think the acupuncture and the bloggy get together were very helpful. Let's hope my therapist will be the silver bullet.