Busy Bee

Gah, I hate that it’s been so long since I’ve updated. I’ve had so many posts I’ve started, and things I wanted to write here, but time has not been my friend. My brother is getting married in two weeks so I’ve been caught up in showers and bachelorette planning, yada yada. Oh, and you may remember I’m a bridesmaid. I ordered the dress when I was 10 weeks along, not having any idea of what my body would do. So I ordered it two sizes too big, assuming that I’d totally have double chins and cankles by now. I have rarely been so grateful to be wrong. I picked up my dress last week and it is a tent. The alterations lady did her best to reassure me that I did the right thing since I this is my first, and that she’ll make the dress look fabulous. I really hope she’s right. These pictures will be around for decades… 


So what’s next? My Blood pressure! It’s awesome yo! And let me tell you why. It has nothing to do with medication, I’m happy to say. Not long after my last post I met with a Doula who is also a licensed massage therapist - YAY. She spent FOUR hours at my house. On a Thursday night! She was so fantastic and informative, and supportive and warm. I love her to PIECES. I mentioned the issues with my blood pressure and my new low sodium regimen. This is when the “NEED TO FIND ALTERNATIVE PRENATAL CARE- STAT” alarm really kicked in. She told me about the Brewer diet during pregnancy, and how keeping a high about of protein in my diet can pretty much eliminate any issues with High BP. So I have tripled the amount I was getting, which wasn’t much since I was having a pretty severe aversion to meat. But I’ve been able to start supplementing with Whey protein powder and dairy. I make a shake every morning and it’s making a HUGE difference! I don’t have to watch my sodium intake as closely, which is great – though I’m still very aware of it.  If you’re interested, here’s the recipe I made up: 


8oz organic OJ
2 cups frozen organic Strawberries
1 cup 2% Greek Yogurt
1 Organic banana
2 Scoops of Vanilla flavored Whey Protein Powder 


Each scoop of protein powder has about 16 grams of protein, the yogurt has about 24, strawberries have 2. So by 10 am, I’ve already consumed close to 60 grams of protein! Now the recipe I gave you there makes over 32 oz. So I usually finish it in about a two hour period because it’s pretty filling. So after that, I get my protein where I can. Usually ending up between 80 – 100 grams per day. And my blood pressure is fucking flawless now. What infuriates me is that my doctor just wanted to throw pills at me – barely giving me the opportunity to do the work myself! Yes, I’m still talking about the OB I haven’t really ever liked… Speaking of which. During the four hours I spent chatting with the doula, (two of which were in the midst of a prenatal massage, yay!) I told her about my OB situation and asked her if she was able to recommend any local OB’s or Midwives. The ironic part is that she listed my current OB as someone she’d recommend for the type of care I’m interested in. Which is when I reiterated how perfect he is on paper, but personality wise it just wasn’t there. She then told me that if I wasn’t 100% comfortable with any practitioner that I should move on. She believes that communication and trust should be completely open and fluid during labor. And anything but can break down the fundamentals of what allows your body do what it needs to do. She presented it on a spiritual level, then backed it up with a scientific explanation of how certain emotions trigger specific hormones that can hinder the production of the natural form of Pitocin, therefore prolonging/delaying labor. I can’t remember the actual break down, can I use being naked on a massage table in my living room as an excuse? Regardless, her approach? ME LIKEY.


Sooooo. I have an appointment with a new office on Wednesday. The practice has three OB’s and two midwives. I’ll be seeing a midwife first, and I am so fricken excited. The other cool thing that my doula pointed out is that the newly built hospital we’re planning to deliver in has six suites with laboring bathtubs. While I can’t really reserve one now, she pointed out that most first time Mom’s go eight days past their due dates, which puts me in there on Christmas Day, and followed up by saying in addition statistically patient occupancy is much lower during the holidays, especially Christmas. So I may have a better chance. Of course that could be total BS. Who knows? In actual baby news, there has been a dramatic increase in activity from the kiddo. Especially in just the last week or so. Which is mostly awesome, the only non-awesome part is not bad - it's just weird. Cause the baby, well it's been turned in, like facing my back, and umm. Kicking my rectum. It's the most bizarre sensation I have every felt. And on that note! Happy Tuesday Morning!

Now Lower In Sodium!

My diet so far during this pregnancy has been fairly decent, in my opinion anyway. While I’m not keeping super close tabs I think up about 13-15 lbs so far. I gained 12 of that in the first 6 weeks because the only things that didn’t want to make me yak, were dairy and carbs. But since the second trimester I’ve been able to eat better and I’ve pretty much maintained my weight in the last 10 weeks. Maybe going up or down a pound here and there, but mostly  staying the same. So I’m golden, right? Yeah, not so much.

At my last appointment with the OB formerly known as my doctor, he made a comment about my blood pressure being on the high side. Like, consistently on the high side. In the past I’ve been known to refer to myself as “one of those patients” .. Meaning, my anxiety is always a little heightened at the beginning of an appointment, thus my BP elevates. So I asked that they check it again at the end of the appointment. ( FYI, I’m also one of those patients who doesn’t have a gag reflex until someone has to stick a wooden tongue depressor in my mouth… Go figure.) Anyhoo, he said if it was high one at one more appointment they were going to put me on a Blood Pressure medication. Crapola. And much to my dismay, this time it did not go down much at the end of that appointment.

So that was at my appointment last Monday. Tuesday was my car accident, so Wednesday I had to go back in for another checkup. That time I saw my favorite Nurse Practitioner and she noticed that yet again my BP was elevated. She seemed more concerned than the Dr. did, and asked me to pick up a BP Cuff at a drug store so that I could monitor my rates for the next few days, and possibly two weeks.  She told me to call in two days with my BP from that evening, then an AM and PM log for Thursday. When I called her back with the results she was still pretty unhappy, and told me I needed to start a low sodium regimen asap, and that she’d give me two weeks and if my levels didn’t drop they were going to put me on BP meds, STAT.

I have to say, I was pretty bummed. Especially when I read how dangerous elevated Blood Pressure levels can be during pregnancy. With  pre-term labor, and cardiac arrest being two of the worst case scenarios. I was terrified at the idea that my body was putting the baby in danger, and just plain hated the fact that I couldn’t have an uneventful pregnancy, just when I started to feel a little more at ease… And damn it, I didn’t want to take any more medications.

So began my low sodium diet, and my new obsession with checking my BP. My worst recorded rate at home was 138 over 87. Not. Good. And for the first three days it stayed within that range: Mid to high 130’s over mid to high 80’s. Double crapola. But over the weekend I started getting better numbers and by this morning I was 113 over 72. It hasn’t taken an exorbitant amount of effort to eliminate extra salt, but it is like any other diet – I just have to pay more attention to things like the fact that I like black olives. A lot. Like to the point where I would pretty much open a can to snack on while cooking dinner, and maybe I’d drink some of the juice right from the can… (Heathen! they shout) WHAT? It’s a healthy fat! Come on, they’re just olives. It’s not like I was snacking on Crisco, for crying out loud.

Anyway. I’m really grateful to have seen a difference so quickly, and I know it could have been a lot worse. I think it was that much harder emotionally because I had finally gotten to the point where I received fairly consistent reassurance that the baby is alive from feeling it’s kicks, to then finding out that there is potentially something that could take the baby away, and possibly me with it. Worst case scenario, I know. But still, very scary. And speaking of scary, my three hour blood glucose test is next week. I would like to think it’s going to be fine, but the truth is I have no idea what my body is or isn’t doing any more. So I’m just going to roll with it… 


(New pics to come in the photo gallery shortly!)

You're Fired.

Well the appointment I had yesterday sealed the deal. I’m done with my OB. Nothing explosive happened, but the in-depth conversation I had with him regarding childbirth plans pretty much gave me all of the ammunition information I needed. 

O.V.E.R. 

He’s a lovely doctor, and I’m sure that our baby would be delivered safely in his care, but I evidently wouldn’t have much of a say in it. So here’s the first part of what you should know and where things went wrong. 

I’m hoping to deliver this child naturally. With no epidural, and minimal medical intervention. 

What my dinosaur doctor heard was: I hate Doctors and hospitals and I plan to be as uncooperative and insubordinate as possible during my delivery, so good luck with that. 

He started off by suggesting I stay away from reading materials. Explaining that they can be quite dogmatic and contradictory to other sources, and that my body will really know what to do because it’s programmed into our DNA. Okay, I get that school of thinking. I can appreciate the theory of the power of suggestion, and I just so happen to agree 100% that delivering a baby is probably built into my DNA. But I also believe that you can prepare yourself for something like this. I will be experiencing a level of pain to which I have never known. Not even after sitting through the entire showing of Sex and the City II. I think I should know what’s coming. And the more I sat there listening to him, the more it sounded like he was saying “This is what can happen if you let women learn how to read…” 

When I say I want to deliver with no epidural and minimal medical intervention, I do not mean: in a barn. I am not Anti- Doctor, or medicine. Obviously, we did IV-fucking F. I’ll do whatever means necessary to get my desired result, savvy? And I am also not stupid. I realize that I can make all the birth “plans” I want, and things could end up 180 degrees differently. (Hi Murgdan!) So aside from preferring a completely natural delivery, our other plan is to know our options. So in Scenario A, B, C, or Q, Brian and I will have some kind of idea of what my preferences are so I won’t have to deliberate a life changing decision in the midst of a contraction. Or if I’ve checked out completely, (not dead, but incapacitated) Brian and I will be on the same page. 

When I mentioned this to him a few months ago, I’m guessing he yes’d me on the au natural part. But today when I talked to him about studying The Bradley Method, the mood all changed. He told me that the Bradley Method was somewhat “Anti-Doctor”. Which is interesting because so far what I’ve gotten out of the book, is that it’s really about husband/partner coached labor. When I explained that my main idea’s behind using this method is that it took so much medical intervention to get me pregnant, I really like the idea of giving my body back the control. Not to mention taking some of the work load off of my poor kidneys. On top of that I think this could be a really amazing experience for Brian and I as a couple. I don’t believe that labor has to be scary and dramatic. I know it will be painful and hard work, and potentially very long. (that’s why they call it labor, no?) But I also believe that I am capable of doing it without much involvement from medical technologies. 

I asked him how many of his patients delivered naturally, he said 20-30%. And then he said the percentages were lower with his Bradley patients, and that I might want to consider getting a doula to assist us. (Which I’m totally not opposed to, I’m actually trying to find one that will take my insurance) And continued on that ‘no one really wants medical intervention, but sometimes it’s just necessary’. I interjected with: I actually know women who would sign up for an epidural now, if the release form came with their hpt kit. True Story. And then what I should have said but wasn’t quick enough to think of is: Odd though that if no one really wants medical intervention, how come 70-80% of your patients end up with

 it???? 

Please know, I am not against Medical Intervention. Epidurals. Hospitals. Doctors. Nurses. Vaccines. America’s Got Talent being renewed for yet another season, even though I truly believe it is a crime against humanity. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. To each, his own. All god’s children, yada yada... I’m just saying this is my preference and I’m going to find a licensed medical practitioner who will do their damnedest to help us prepare for it, and hopefully see us through a delivery the way we’d prefer, while in a safe and legal nature, resulting in an insanely healthy live baby being born. If there are one hundred and forty two things I've learned from Infertility, number two on the list is being your own advocate. Good day to you, Sir.

The Sum of All Parts

Alright, I’m starting to feel a little bratty about my last post. Especially because not more than two posts ago I was bitching and begging for boring...  


I want to thank those of who validated my difficulty in transitioning, it’s really nice to hear that I’m not alone there and please know really and truly am grateful to have had an extraordinarily boring appointment. I look forward to many more of them. Really. I think the reasons for my reaction yesterday are twofold. One – I really was used to the super intense, and very goal oriented appointments that were part of seeing an RE. Two – I like the fundamentals of how this Doctor runs his practice, but I just don’t mesh with his personality. Or maybe I’m being too uptight. Expecting too much. Maybe being with someone who is so low-key is the best thing for me. Knock me out of my tightly closed shell. Or maybe I’ll start shopping for a new OB. Stay Tuned. 


So yeah, this last appointment was fairly uneventful. At the end of the appointment the nurse gave me a flyer with the name of a specialist that they wanted me to see for my 20 week scan. Twenty-flippin’-weeks. I am almost halfway through this pregnancy and still in denial. Sometimes when I say it to myself, it feels as new and as foreign as the day I saw a positive test. It’s just bananas. Anyhoo, lots of people have been asking about this scan and when we’ll find out what we’re having, and for a surprisingly large amount of people their heads are blown clean off when we tell them: December. We’ll find out in December, when I give birth. 


I’ve never really given much thought to gender prediction when it came to pregnant women. If you think about it, it’s as arbitrary as trying to guess hair or eye color. There’s only a limited number of things it could be, so why speculate based on how someone is carrying, what they’re cravings are, or whether or not their asses got fat. My best friend has three boys and each of her pregnancies were entirely unique. I know, I’m no fun right? True story, my friends. I’m kind of a curmudgeon when it comes to stuff like that. I guess I can see the harmless fun it throwing out guesses, and I’ll admit I’ve participated in more than one baby pool. But hell, I play the in the office Superbowl pools, even though I despise football. I just have a soft spot for illegal sources of gambling. 

When people hear that we’re not going to find out what sex of the baby is, some think it’s great, but some act like we’ve deliberately chosen to disappoint them. Like it’s a plot against them or something. That usually segues into their next question of whether or not we have a preference. I usually respond with a smile and laugh about not really caring. Brian is diplomatic as always and says he sees the joy in both genders. But when prodded I usually end up cutting them off with a sentence like “ It took us four years to get pregnant, we just want A. BABY. So do I hope it’s a boy? Do I hope it’s a girl? No. I hope IT gets here safe and healthy and that Brian and I have a significant role in making sure it turns out to be a caring, sensitive, productive member of society. So go ahead and buy IT something yellow already and leave me the hell alone.” 

Okay, I don’t really say any of that.  But I think it while I smile and nod, and try not to head-butt them. The truth is I've never wanted to find out what we were having. Even back in the day when I thought sex made babies, and it would be easy for us; I always figured we'd find out when they were born. I'm more intrigued by the element of surprise than having the knowledge to plan bedding choices based on gender. That said if we ended up with twins, I probably would have caved and found out. Just seems like good common sense, no? 

So I’m looking forward to the big 20 week scan, but only because I’ll always want to have a peak at the baby before it gets here, it's seriously ridonkulous when I repeat that to myself. Twenty week scan... Also, since I have three more weeks before said ultrasound, I put up a belly pic in the Photo Gallery Tab. (Cringe) It's not a great one, but I took like 30 and posted the least awful one. Please don't laugh. 

The Whole Three Day Old Enchilada

I’ve always been one to err on the side of caution. I’m a just-in-case, kinda gal. So it seems only natural that during a pregnancy I struggled four years, endured countless needles, exams and spent tens of thousands of dollars (that we don’t have) to achieve, that I would fall into the “you-can-never-be-too-careful” category once finally in the family way. However, I think my OB thinks I’m ridiculous. And it’s not settling well with me at all. 

I had an appointment yesterday, which in retrospect seemed like, Well - A big fat waste of my time. My OB was 45 minutes late getting in to see us, and when he did finally sit down with me he made me feel like a complete moron. He wasn’t mean about my questions, just over explained (complete with family anecdotes, I should mention) about why it’s fine for me at 17w2d to sleep on my back. And have three day old homemade leftover enchiladas. I half expected him to show me a flashcard with a picture of a wheel of imported Brie with a circle and a line through it.  I guess I should be happy that he took his time answering all my questions, but that’s probably why he was forty-fucking-five minutes late to a 10am appointment when they open at 9am. I would expect the afternoon appointments to run a bit behind, but don’t overbook your patients then waste my and the next patients time because you’re busy rambling on to me about how your daughter won’t even consider leftovers while your wife eats three day old salads regardless of the wilted lettuce.  This is only my second appointment seeing my OB, every other time I’ve seen the head Nurse Practitioner, whom I love – but obviously won’t be delivering me. 

Important note: He runs a solo practice, and assured me that he won’t be going anywhere for Christmas this year. Which really appealed to me. He seems great on paper - agrees with my request for minimal intervention during labor, has a low forceps and c-section rate, and seems to have an educated staff, all of whom work well together. 

So maybe I’ve been in ‘the system” too long. Maybe I’ve just gotten too used to the formality seen in the Fertility Clinic industry. And all that comes with being closely monitored. I suppose that was because I was more of a client than a patient, since we were paying everything out of pocket, not just going where an insurance administrator told us was the closest proximity to our home address. But I want that environment back! I want a doctor who is meticulously on time, and asks relevant questions, whilst dispensing useful information. I’m not asking to be coddled, hell the first word I would use to describe Dr. 3 (after awesome, that is) would be: Cyborg. Fantastic. Efficient. Warm and fuzzy, he was NOT.  My OB seems more like a cross between a Surfer and an amateur standup comedian.  Also, he has white hair and glasses with bifocals that he looks down over when speaking to me, and it makes me think of Benjamin Franklin. But I got there, they took my vitals, the doctor made sure both me and the baby were still alive, then left.  

Am I asking too much? 

After speaking to a mom, apparently aside from the personality flaws,  the monthly appointments are pretty routine. Not a whole lot of action. Which honestly, is what I should want. Not a lot of fuss, or probing. Just the basics, like everyone else. 

I guess I’m just getting used to what being on “the otherside” is really like.  And it’s still nothing like I thought. 

Been There, Hoped That

Even though ninety-nine percent of me is brimming with excitement over our upcoming cycle and testing, there is still an echo of the fact that we've been here before. And more than that, I can't help but think of how many of you out there are still struggling after having switched clinics in hopes that the next ART cycle would be your last (meaning you got, and stayed pregnant) but then, to no avail...

But I can't keep thinking like that. Every situation is different. And it'll be in my best interest to stick with the positive thoughts instead of the "fuck,what if..." thoughts. No need to unearth the crazy just yet.

So the phone consult went great. Really, really great. He instantly acknowledged that we'd "been at it for a while". Yes, indeed we have. He said based on my previous test results, he was rather surprised that none of our IUI's worked. And if you're keeping count, he is the THIRD RE to make the same comment. He said after, six dIUI's, there would have been at least a 50% chance that I should have had some sort of positive. So he'd like to run a full immunological blood panel, as well as a refresher on the standard tests. And he was happy with the results of my first HSG so I won't need to do another one - yippiekiyay motherfucker, that shit hurt. He did say that he was slightly concerned that I may have an ovarian issue of the Poly Cystic variety - EVEN IF I'm ovulating regularly. (Boo.)

As for Brian, the doctor was very pleased to hear that he'd been on supplements since June. He'd like to get a current SA done, and would also like to bank 2-3 vials of his sperm for our IVF cycle. He said Brian will of course need to provide a fresh sample the day of my retrieval, but this will give us a fall back in case there are any issues with his sample on the big day. I feel really good about that.

After he finished his side of the questions he opened the floor up to us. My first concern unfortunately, was about money. I told him that we had met with an OBGYN earlier in the year who mentioned working with him. When we met with this guy in January I thought he was a total yahoo (still do), and referred to him here as Dr. Do Little. His only saving grace was his affiliation with our Doctor and that he offered to run a blood panel for me under "Infectious Diseases" as opposed to "Infertility" so that it would get covered by our insurance... This is the same exact panel that our new RE would like to order. Since I knew that might be the case I called last week to see if they would still be open to the insurance deception, and much to my delight they agreed.

I'm pretty grateful that my cycle just happened to coincide with the seminar and phone consult, so tomorrow I will go in for a CD3 blood panel, (FSH, Estrodial, etc.), then have three separate vials drawn for the immunological tests which will be shipped off to Chicago. And last but not least our RE would like to see me for a CD3 Antra follicle count (ultrasound). Not really looking forward to that one, but it will be nice to meet him formally. Can you even call it "formal" if I don't have pants on?

Anyway, one more good thing. He said we qualify for both the Shared Risk Program- where we'd get 90% of our money put back on our credit card refunded if a fresh IVF cycle and subsequent FET's did not result in a pregnancy exceeding twelve weeks; and the Two Cycle Program - in which would would be given a substantial discount upon paying for two cycles upfront. The jury's still out on this one, vacillating blog post to come.

In summation my friends, I'm pretty fricken excited. Moderately terrified underneath it all, but so, SO ready to move forward.

Radio Silence

I've had plenty to write about lately, but just not the urge to write. Which feels strange to me. There have been many moments over the last two plus years where I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to come here and lay it all out. Every thought. Every feeling. Leaving no detail unwritten. But lately I find that I'm less and less inclined to share. Not because I think the details of my goings on these days are any less important, but because my feelings aren't bubbling over the top anymore. This break from trying - it's starting to become more than a getaway and more like an extended leave. Don't get me wrong it's not like all the baby thoughts have magically disappeared- All the normal stuff that bothers us infertile's still stings, but the voices that echo the pain back and forth have begun to grow still, and I can hear myself think again.

It's kinda nice.

So as much as I hate to admit it our old RE was sort of right about seeing a urologist. He was a really cool Doctor, and aside from being extremely knowledgeable about IF, he was just really funny and warm, and didn't BS us. And in the middle of the appointment he stopped what he was doing and told us he hopes it happens for us soon because we're going to be great parents. It was just so sweet of him to say, he sounded so genuine it kind of caught me off guard. And then he asked Brian to turn his head and cough.

So other than concluding the appointment with information we already knew, we did at least get some reassurance about Brian's Testosterone levels, which our most recent RE told us to look into. Brian's results were on the higher side of being boarder line, but it turns out that his test was done at 1pm, when testosterone levels should be checked at 8am... So this doctor said they would more than likely be normal if we were to test again at the correct time. Which makes sense cause Brian usually has a five o'clock shadow by noon. So next we'll probably do the DNA fragmentation test with our current RE because they give a discount to those who have no IF insurance coverage.

In other news we're going to interview one more RE. He's very well established, and closer to home than our current RE, so if we like him and the cost won't be much different then it'd be nice to be so close to his office. And while I feel it's necessary to finish up some testing and check one more doctor off our list, I also think it's important that I tell you all how far away our next treatment will probably be. We haven't set a date for when we're jumping back on the ttc train, and we're not going to. Partially because of finances and partially because I am REALLY not ready. I still can't believe I feel that way, and I remember shaking my head when reading a statement like that on other blogs. I couldn't identify with not wanting to pursue treatments. But right now, I need to focus on me and Brian. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it feels SO GOOD. The clouds are slowly lifting, and I'm head over heels for my new found freedom from heartache. Yes, I still think about babies, and everything we've gone through. I still haven't gone back on Fac.ebook to avoid a pregnancy related status update. But the wait/weight is gone. I'm not going to let anxiety and frustration rule my life anymore. Until I start cycling again anyway.

Terms and Conditions

This holiday season continues to be blah for us. I never got around to decorating the inside of the house, or even getting a tree for that matter. Neither of us really feel like it. We do have the lights up on the outside of the house, which looks magical as always. Brian really does a hell of a job at that.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to have to take a few months off to pay down some debt and save up some money. I really hate the thought of not being able to cycle, but we have to be financially responsible. In order to keep my eyes on the prize I've come up with a few goals that I'd like to accomplish during our down time.

1. Donate Blood: this is something I have wanted to do for years, but ttc has gotten in the way.

2. Loose some weight: I have really abused desserts and spitefully indulged in soft cheeses as way of coping with my anger, frustration, and overall sadness that has come with dealing with IF.

3. Try Yoga: I've always been intrigued by it, but never made much of an effort to explore it. I may have to start with a video of some sort because classes seem to be pretty pricey and I'm going to scrimp and save every single penny I can while we're on this break.

4. Mend my broken heart: I want to shed the heaviness that has held me for so long. I have to.

5. Read more: There are tons of books that I want to read, but for some reason I haven't made enough of an effort to get around to them.

That's all I have so far. I may come up with more, during the copious amounts of spare time I'll have. I also already made an appointment with a new RE for the end of January. It's not that I'm already discounting this cycle, I'm just trying to be proactive. In case our new RE wants to run some tests, I don't want to have to wait until we're ready to cycle or close to it. I really want to be prepared.

My tww is going well so far. I'm 6dpiui today, and feeling the same as always. Definitely hopeful though, and praying that we finally get our BFP.

In Which I Remember I Have No Control Over Anything. Ever.

Friday night we were getting ready to go to my best friend's father's 60th birthday party, when I took my obligatory CD10 OPK. Imagine my surprise when the test came back positive. My follie check was scheduled for today, so I was not prepared to see a positive at all. Then things went from bad to worse, about an hour into the party I felt the unmistakable twinges of ovulation. It became more and more intense as the evening went on and I knew that our chance to cycle this month was slipping away. All I could think was that our last chance to get pregnant in 2009 was going to be over. Brian and I sat back at our table watching numerous young families enjoying the music, and crowding the dance floor. Amidst the dancing and happiness we also got a pregnancy announcement. And we slowly began to feel more and more out of place. Watching father's dance with their daughters and mother's tending tantrums just got to be too much. And we reluctantly decided to leave the party before I lost it in front of everyone.

First thing Saturday morning I called my clinic and explained to the nurse what had happened the night before. She told me she hoped I was wrong about ovulating and that they would get me in right away. Dr. C walked in while I sat in the chair in my paper skirt, I told him about my positive OPK, and then about the ovulation pains. He smiled and shrugged and said, "you know you really can't be too sure about those mysterious pains, they could just be the follicle growing" just then he started the u/s and quickly noted that I had indeed ovulated. He pointed out a collapsed follicle and what appeared to be fluid from the collapsed follicle. I managed to be diplomatic while I glared at him with my "I told you so" smirk. I have to say it's mildly insulting that he assumes I don't know anything about my own body... Anyway, he continued on to say that it appeared I had ovulated within the last 12 hours and that I was still within the window if I wanted to continue with an insemination. He told me that my chances were descent enough, and that I should really consider going ahead. So I did. We had a motile count of 12 million, not bad.

I find it incredibly ironic that I had been plotting and scheming exactly when I was going to trigger so that I could do my IUI just after I ovulated, and my body went ahead and did it anyway - four days early no less. So as of right now I am officially 1dpiui. I honestly think our chances are pretty descent. My concern this whole time has been that the sperm weren't living long enough to meet the egg. Well now the egg was already there waiting so hopefully this will make all the difference for us. Crossing our fingers for a Christmas miracle...

Making Plans

I'd just like to say one thing before I get into the cycle gab, if you haven't tried the Caramel Brulee Latte from Starbucks, DO IT, do it NOW. They are f'ing fantastic!

Anyway... So I did email Dr. C. The long and short of it is that I expressed my frustration over the timing of my IUI's and lack of attention from him. And he politely explained that their timing methods are proven, but conceded that not all cycles are the same, and agreed to change up the timing with this next cycle. He's very nice and extremely tactful when dealing with crazy unpregnant women. But that doesn't change the fact that we will be looking for a new RE if this cycle doesn't work. He's not the whole reason we'll be shopping, honestly driving up to the city several times a month is getting REALLY old. I know we're lucky that it's not hours away and we have more than two choices of clinics within 30 miles, but inconvenience is relative, right?. If I can go to an equally impressive clinic and not have to put up with traffic and expensive parking, then I'm going to take advantage of that...

And speaking of moving on, Brian and I have been talking a lot about what our next steps are going to be. We're both completely aware that our IUI's days are probably numbered. We assume it's only a matter of time before they recommend that we move on to IVF. We've discussed it a lot and both feel that at that point we'd probably just move on to adoption. We of course love the idea of me being pregnant some day, but our ultimate goal is to be a family. We just want children in our lives... However they may come. Financially IVF is going to be very difficult for us to afford, so if we're going to shell out 20k, we'd prefer it go to something with higher odds of us ending up with a baby. I guess we're just super conservative that way. And none of this is set in stone, we're not ready to stop doing treatments. I'd really like to move on to injectables with our next round of IUI's, but it's also good to have a plan.

As for Brian and I, we're doing a lot better. I think the fact that I am slowly emerging from the fog has been helpful, but the counseling is making a significant difference as well. It's nice to feel close again. I missed him so much. Brian thank you for putting up with my crazy. I promise someday all this heartache will be worth it some how. When we're grandparents, maybe... I love you dear.

Christmas Cardless

I have been dreading the idea of Christmas cards for about 3 months now. Giving and receiving...

After each failed cycle, it became more evident that we would not have happy news to share with with family and friends this holiday season. I'd dreamt of making a Christmas card that included an ultrasound photo. Instead I'm a little terrified about the cards that are heading our way.

I used to love sending out cards. But now I feel pathetic because after 6 years of marriage, it's still just the two of us - and the dog. I imagine the people who know about us shaking their heads with pity when they see just the three of us on another card. And the others who don't know wondering aloud whether or not we're ever going to have children. I do realize that's pretty unrealistic, so thanks to the tools I've learned in therapy, when I get too deep into that thought I'm able to stop myself now and think instead about how I'm actually am very proud of the three of us. I love my husband, and I'm proud to be his wife. I'm proud of the life and home we built together. But still, sending out a card with just the three of us?... I don't know.

As for my cycle, today is CD3. I was able to get my Letrozole dosage increased - woo hoo! I'd like to thank you all for your input on my last post about your IUI protocol. I'm planning to send an email to Dr. C regarding the crappy timing on my previous failed cycles, and inform him of my new strategy for the timing of my IUI this month. I'm curious to see what he'll have to say... I don't know when I'll see him next, I'll go in on Dec 6th for my follie check, which is a Sunday so I'm not sure who will be on call that day. Whatever.

For the most part I am feeling very hopeful about this next cycle. Now that I know our timing will be more accurate and that I might even have three follies to catch a spermie or two. (We're totally down with twins.) We've had a pretty nice weekend so far, just busy decorating the house now. It's been hard getting into the spirit of the season this year, so maybe cramming it down my throat at home will do the trick. Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

Guess Who Thinks She Knows More Than Her RE?

I DO! I DO! I DO! Alright, hear me out. I got a comment on my last post that got me thinking. A lot. "The one thing my RE has stressed throughout this long process... is that each cycle helps them learn more about how your body works. As hard as it is to realize, each failure helps them fine-tune things the next time. " (Thanks Jo!) Not once has Dr. RAWKS questioned me about the intricacies of my cycle, (LIKE HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO OVULATE AFTER AN HCG TRIGGER!!!!) other than what he has seen from my test results. The more I think about it the more I think that the timing of my IUI's has been way off. And I feel like I've been treated by statistical standards. Furthermore I decree that Dr. "RAWKS" is hereby demoted to Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix.

Lemme break it down:

• Frozen sperm lasts about 12-24 hours after it is defrosted. I know, it's astoundingly less than fresh sperm. (I was able to find this info from several sources online, not once have I heard this from my clinic. I thought it would have been closer to a couple of days)
• I ovulate 36+ hours after my Hcg trigger shot. I get the mittleschmertz, so I feel a lot of pressure before I ovulate.
• My last two IUI's have been exactly 24 hours after my trigger.
• Which means by the time I actually ovulate a good portion of the sperm is probably already DEAD.
• I happened to see on TWO other local IF Clinic's websites that the clinics do IUI's closer to 36-40 hours after the trigger. WTF?!

Okay, I know I must seem like I'm grasping at straws to find some possible explanation as to why I still haven't gotten pregnant, but the things I listed above are completely factual. So now I'm left with more frustration over the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. I should have put two and two together a lot sooner, but wouldn't it have been Dr. Rawks' responsibility to follow up with me regarding each mundane detail so that we could "fine-tune" the protocol on our next cycle?! I'm not as mad at him as I am myself. I should have done more research about the longevity of the sperm and sooner. I should have spoken up about the tiny details of my cycle and wanting to be more aggressive with treatments. I could have saved Brian and I a lot of time, heartache, and money.

We have one vial left, and I plan to use it in about two weeks, so there won't be enough time to find a new RE by then. But if things don't work out again next month I can safely say that we will spend the month of January shopping for a new RE. It kinda makes me sad to say that. I do actually like him, he has a fantastic bedside manner, and is incredibly gentle, ahem, down there. But I hate that I haven't gotten the slightest inquiry from him during my FIVE failed cycles. For so long I kept chalking it up to my odds just being low each cycle... But now I think I've kinda been screwed by the lack of attention on my RE's part.

So here's the new plan:

I called this weekend to request an increase in my dosage of Letrozole. The nurse I spoke to said they rarely do that, and Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix is on vacation this week. Which means it's pretty unlikely that another Dr. will trump his orders. So I might have to fight for it. When I go in for my follie check, probably Dec 6th. I'm going to insist that I trigger that night at home and come in 36 hours later. Instead of triggering after my u/s and coming in the next morning. Who the fuck knows if it'll work, but at least I'll feel better knowing that I've done what I can.

P.S. I'd love to hear about your IUI protocol.

Not What I Planned

Where, oh where, do I begin?

When I made my initial appointment for today's IUI, they told me that Dr. Rawks was not going to be in. Which was fine, I've had six total IUI's during my last three cycles and Dr. Rawks has only done two of them. Not a big deal. I was able to make an appointment with a Doctor that I've had before and really liked. But when we got there today, my IUI nurse told me that this doctor was no longer available. No problem, just give me anyone with a degree in Reproductive Endocrinology, and I'll be on my way... So the doctor walks in, and I suddenly realize I've had her before. And she was not good. Not good at all. Not only does she lack a personality/bedside manner, but after my last visit with her I abhorrently nicknamed her Dr. Cantfindmycervix. I literally felt bruised after the last IUI she gave me.

After reintroducing herself, she tells me that the counts of the vial they thawed only had 9.6 million. The bank we purchased from guarantee's a minimum of 10 million. I realize that this is a very small difference, but I am not happy. Since my first IUI the total thawed counts have only gone down. My first vial had 26 million - a FANTASTIC number. But the vial before this had 15 million. Still not terrible, but not as good as 26. The minimum amount that my clinic prefers for an IUI is 10 million. Dr. Cantfindmycervix, seemed to think this sample was adequate. But I just didnt feel good about it. This my FOURTH FUCKING SHOT. I NEED this to WORK. I can't do this anymore. It's really starting to wear on me... So I ask her if it's possible to thaw another vial. She tells me again, that the vial does meet their minimum requirement, but that if I wanted, they could thaw another one. She warned me that doing so, may not necessarily increase my odds. But I just didn't feel good about the single vial. I can't settle for their "minimum requirement" - I won't. Not when we've got three failed cycles under our belts. My peace of mind is worth more than the expense of an extra vial. If I had settled for the single vial and this cycle didn't work, I could not live with myself for not following my instinct and insisting on a second vial.

So it's done. The Dr, once again, had a difficult time locating my cervix for some ridiculous reason. And once again she fumbled around while giving me the play by play -"You're going to feel some pressure now", blah blah blah.... HEY LADY, THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO. I know what a fucking speculum feels like. How's about you work a little harder on being delicate with my girlly parts, and little less on your dialog, huh?!?! So like I was saying, it's done, and I've been resting somewhat comfortably since this afternoon. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my left side while I was typing this, and now I can feel my right side starting to ache. So I'm happy with the timing I guess. But man, was this a crappy ending to what I have so far, felt pretty confident about. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I need feel good about the rest of this cycle, I'm tired of feeling sad...

Please commence crossed fingers.

Trigger Happy

I just got back from my second u/s monitoring. There are definitely two GIANT follicles. WOO HOO! On the left is the dominant 24.18mm, and on the right we have 23.54mm. Dr. Rawks is thrilled with both. And my lining is just under 9mm. So that's good too. At my last appointment they asked me to make sure I brought my Ovidrel, which I did. So the nurse kindly showed me how to administer the shot right there at the clinic. I have an appointment for my IUI tomorrow afternoon. The only thing that sucks about that is that it's Fle.et Week in San Francisco, so traffic is going to be a cluster fuck. But I'll get over it. I really have a lot of respect for people who commute all the time. I live 5 miles away from my office, so the most I can complain about is a slow pedestrian. I do not know how people put up with that crap 5 days a week... What was I talking about? oh yeah- I TRIGGERED!!! Please keep your fingers that this is the first, and last time I will have to trigger for at least a few years. Wish me luck!

U/S Update

I always thought I'd be using that title in affiliation with a pregnancy, but oh well. I had my ultrasound this morning. Everything went well. Dr. Rawks found 2.5 follicles. One on my left that was 19mm, and two on my right side. One was 18mm, and the other was 15mm. He said the 15mm may or may not catch up, but for now he's happy with the two larger ones. Whew. I feel so much better. I was really freaking out that my body was not going to respond to the meds at all.

I made another appointment for an u/s Thursday morning, Dr. Rawks wants me to continue doing OPK's, and if I get a positive between now and my next appointment we will just reschedule it as an IUI, and I will do the ovidrel trigger as a back up. He prefers that I try go as long as possible to let the follicles mature. But it's possible that I may trigger after my u/s on Thursday. So surprise, surprise- it's more wait and see. The nice thing is, is that I was able to get Thursday and Friday off (Thanks T!), so I won't have to worry about missing a peculiar amount of work, and coming up with an excuse for my co-workers again. My main plan is to be a complete waste of space, and catch up on my reading and various blogs. It's been a hectic few months and I could really use this time to reboot. Unfortunately I have to do a few grown up things like getting my much needed a hair cut, and going to meet with our financial planner. Boy is she going to love hearing how much we've spent on IF in the last 4 months!

Now I'd like to take a moment to thank the lovely and talented Dee for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Thank you so much for your support and thoughtfulness Dee, I really appreciate it.

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here we go:

1. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

2. I was a locksmith for 3 years, before I got laid off after Silicon Valley tanked. I can pick open and re-key locks, I can get in to most cars, and I know more about safes than a lot of people ever will. Everything you see in the movies about breaking into safes or front doors, is bullshit.

3. I wear one of my Grandmothers rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

4. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

5. I have like 70+ VHS tapes that I will not get rid of. Much to Brian's dismay.

6. I heart Jason Bateman.

7. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Once Upon a Time, Musings of a Wannabe Mommy, Melissa's thoughts and Realizations, It's only Life, Our Journey, and Family of two.

Letrozole, You Sneaky Little Bitch

I know what your thinking.

Isn't she on CD8?

Those OPK test lines seem awfully dark for this point in her cycle.

Jeez, she'll probably get a positive in the morning.

Tomorrow Afternoon at the latest...

But what about the Ovidrel sitting in her fridge? I thought she is supposed to trigger with that later next week...

I KNOW!!!!!!

Dr. RAWKS told me to start testing on Sunday, which would be CD10. But I started to get that pinchy pressure in my abdomen that is oh-so-recognizable at this point in my IF career. So I decided I would test this evening. Just to see where I'm at. And a disturbingly dark line showed up right away. I realize this is not a positive test. And the picture may not do those lines justice, but they are pretty dark, and I seriously expect to go in this weekend for my IUI.

Have any of you who've taken Letrozole/Femara had a similar experience?

This is typically where a slur of gratuitous expletives would be spewing out on to the page with little regard for common decency. But since my last two cycles have been so wonky, I'm actually not as bothered by this as I think I normally would be... The main reason is because my incredibly amazing husband went to pick up and deliver our precious cargo to the clinic today. I initially thought I could do it next week, and then something inside made me press to get it done today. And my Mr. being his AMAZING self, obliged. I know it screwed up his schedule and he was frustrated with the short notice, but he didn't give me a hard time about it, even though I know it really threw a wrench in his day.

Thanks Dear.

I really hope this was your last trip over there.

As always, I'll keep you all posted.

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.

A Reprieve

Sorry it's taken so long to update. We were at the clinic long enough to have lunch and for me to read up to the part where Clare and Henry go to the Violent Femmes concert in, The Time Travelers Wife. Everybody can take a big deep breath. The ultrasound revealed one ginormous 23mm follicle. On my left side, thank you very much. WHEW! Hey, if you've never considered the actual size of a mature follicle, 25.4 mm is an inch. AN INCH. No fucking wonder I'm so uncomfortable before I ovulate. Man does that give me a new found respect for all you IVF ladies. Not that I didn't have any before, I just have a better frame of reference now. How do you all do it with multiple mature follies on each side?! I have ONE and I can feel it when I walk. Gah!

So, crisis averted. The doctor said my lining was beautiful, at a little over 9mm. He recommended going forward with the back to backs. So I'll go back in tomorrow morning for number IUI two. We had a count of 24 million motile swimmers today. Not too shabby. I called my acu lady Ms. B. She is going to make a special exception tomorrow, and open her office just for moi. That's a relief too!

Thank you all so very much for your comments and support. Sorry I was so dramatic, and that my grammar was so horrendous (with the: I'm like, and you're like, and we're all and I'm all), and that my cursing was so... profuse. But if you've read my blog before, you'd know I'm sort of a truck driver anyway.

Okay. I feel better. Holy moly, I'm exhausted. I had myself pretty wound up there. Oh crap, poor Brian. That must have been a hoot for him. Yay infertility.

Are You F'ing kidding me?!!!!!!!!!!

I got a positive OPK this morning..... THREEFUCKINGDAYSEARLY!!!!!!!!WHAT THE FUCK????!!!

I thought about testing yesterday, which was CD12 for me, but I was all NAH, should be fine- I'll just start tomorrow. So Last night around 10pm I started to feel the heaviness in my abdomen than I normally feel before I ovulate, but it was on my left side. Normally I only feel it on my right. But I brushed it off. I was like NAH it must be gas or something... So this morning I still had that heaviness and I though you know - I better test just in case. And BOOM a fucking positive Internet cheapie. And I was like NO FUCKING WAY!!!! So I managed to pee just a tiny bit more and used a CBE. Sure as shit, that little smiley is staring right back at me. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY???!!! I was four days late last month, now this?????

So you might be wondering why I'm freaking out so much. It's just a positive OPK,you say. Your clinic is open on the weekends at your service, you say. Well normally this heaviness that I'm feeling? I get the day AFTER my positive OPK. Say I get a positive in the afternoon on say Wednesday. Thursday morning I would go in for mu IUI, then THURSDAY night I would feel the Ovulation pains, and Friday morning go back in for another IUI. SO I'm thinking I'm a day behind!!!! Dr. RAWKS told me that the pain normally preceeds the actual ovulation. So seriously. I'm thinking I'm a day behind. FUCK!!!!

I just heard back from my IUI nurse, I told her the whole situation and she agrees with me that our timing may be off. FUCK. She said they will need to do an ultrasound and if they don't find a follicle then it might be too late, and we might have to skip this cycle. FUCK!!!!

My Turn

Well my first IUI went great this morning. Brian and I got there about 25 minutes early. That gave me enough time to drag him down to Pier 39, which is within walking distance from the clinic. It was gorgeous out, and the short walk helped take a little of the edge off. It's been pretty hot here lately, which made it especially difficult trying to get to sleep last night, with everything I had on my mind.

The procedure itself, as a many of you may know, was very quick. And to my surprise, cramp free. Dr. Rawks was as personable as ever. He gave us a brief description of the procedure then followed it up by saying, "and then you'll be pregnant, and back here for an ultrasound in no time". I LOVE him. He always says the right things... He gave us a breakdown on the donor's analysis. He was very happy with the counts. I'm holding off on listing them just yet, because I'm questioning whether we really heard him correctly, versus what the paperwork says. I'll explain more later...

I will go back in tomorrow morning for my second one, and my WONDERFUL husband will be joining me. I can't begin to explain the immense connection I felt with him while he held my hand as a laid on that table. He is so incredibly supportive, and I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm sure that in a few days my 2ww will feel all to familiar, but as of today it's a little surreal. I've been sitting on the sidelines for SO LONG that this just doesn't feel like it's real yet. It doesn't feel like it's my turn... But it is. It finally is.

***********************************************************

Update on number two!

I'm thrilled to report that everything went well, again. I had a different Doctor this morning because I requested an early appointment so Dr. Rawks wasn't available. But the other Doc was really nice too. I thought that total counts Dr. Rawks gave me yesterday seemed high, and looking at the paper work, it gave me two sets of numbers. I was just so frazzled with nerves yesterday that I could barely comprehend the numbers at all, let alone ask what exactly they meant. So the vials initially contained 105 Million yesterday, and 110 Million today. But the actual thawed count is much, MUCH lower. Between the two IUI's I have a total count of about 52 Million. Which my Doc today, said was REALLY great. They like to see at least 20 million per cycle for an IUI. So I'm happy overall. My timing was great. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night. Whew!

One cool thing, the doctor today had Brian come around and push the plunger on the catheter while I was in the stirrups. I realize how crazy that sounds, but it was actually kind of neat. She said she wanted him to "really be the one responsible for this pregnancy". It was sweet. On the way home Brian giggled and said something to the effect of being happy to be the one to knock me up after all. We laughed. It was really nice.

I am so, so hopeful right now. It's scary. But nice, to feel so free again.