12 Weeks, But Don't Get Too Comfy

I’m twelve weeks and four days, deep breath now, yes? Well, “BWAHAHA!!!” says the universe. Not so fast Melissa, here’s a little curve ball just in case you were getting a little too comfortable shopping for maternity clothes and thinking about colors for the potential nursery. Oh and don’t pick out any names just yet either!


I got a phone call today. My Natural Killer Cells are elevated again. Not to an exceedingly dangerous level mind you, but elevated nonetheless. And yes, aside from them being normal last time I had a blood draw, I was very aware that this could be an issue. But my friend Denial and I had made up our minds that this problem would just go away, and we were quite content with that. Let me just say, that I’ve planned to do, and will do everything within my power to keep this baby safe, but sweet Jesus am I so overwhelmed with the constant stream of having things to fear in regards to this pregnancy. Please know that I’m so grateful to have gotten this far, and for the fact that I have access to such specialized care. But oh my gawd I am just exhausted from all of this –  all the ups and downs, and feeling pushed and pulled by being so aware that having gone through four years of infertility has changed me, mostly for the good. And I’ll never be the same, I’m not a regular pregnant person - and for so many reasons,  I am proud of that. But now, in this regard, I want so badly to be a regular pregnant person.  I’ve read so many blog posts about the women who hate graduating from the their clinics (save the fact that it usually means they are pregnant)  because they are sad to leave the safety net of their RE’s monitoring and guidance. Which makes plenty of sense. But for me, I am just so fucking over the constant monitoring. I can’t wait to wrap things up over there. Don’t get me wrong. I love Dr.3 and the fact that he made our biggest dream come true (so far). But DAMMAT am I ready to be done with them. I don’t want to see another alcohol pad, or syringe of any type, or a fucking cotton ball covered by paper tape on my arm... I’m tired of weekly blood draws and hoping I get my favorite phlebotomist – I DON’T WANT TO HAVE  A FAVORITE FUCKING PHLEMBOTOMIST! It’s been six months now of regular monitoring and I’m starting to feel more like an inmate that a fucking patient. 


But back to the NK issue. All I have to do is have another Intralipid infusion. Piece of cake, right? Sure, except that my clinic and the satellite office for the Beers Center totally screw you on the cost. My clinic charges $700.00 per infusion, it takes about 90 minutes and they are 7 miles away from my office. The Beers Office charges $550.00, takes about 3.5 hours (including travel time) and is 30 miles away from my office. The kicker? A bag of the Intralipid mixture, cost roughly $50.00 US dollars. Which basically means I'm taking it in the tuckus to pay for their overhead, because they basically have me and everyone else, over a barrel. They might as well say “Take this, or your baby will die. Cash, Check or Charge? ” 


I just want to scream ENOUGH ALREADY!!! 


After I caught my breath a bit I sent an email to Dr. 3 with a few questions. 


Hello Dr.3, 


I was wondering if you would be able to explain a little bit about what the recent increase in my NK cells could mean. I understand that the level is fairly low, does that still mean the Intralipid infusion absolutely necessary? Also, how likely is this to be an ongoing issue during the rest of my pregnancy? 
Thank you in advance for your time 


Sincerely, ProbablynotgoingtobeabletorelaxuntilI’mwritingacheckforthiskidswedding


His response:


Hi Melissa, 


90% of the patients who require immunology treatment are done by twelve weeks. You fall into the 10% where your NK is still a little elevated and the reason to treat is because of the possibility that the Natural Killer Cells could attack the developing placenta. 


As the placenta gets bigger it is better able to defend itself and that is why most people are usually done by twelve weeks. In patients with severe elevations, it is sometimes necessary to treat them up to 20 weeks, but not beyond. I think it is very likely that your levels will be normal after one more treatment, but the body is not a machine, so one cannot say with certainty until we test again. 


Warm regards, 
Dr. 3 


And my progesterone levels are still stupid – in my opinion. This week came in at 15. I have another 11 days of the suppositories that melt and drip out shortly after I go to bed, mostly because I’m up peeing every two hours. So I have to wonder if I am even getting the benefit of them. Sorry for the rant. And sorry if this sounded like my complaining is unreasonable. Deep down I am grateful to have problems like these, because I am all too aware of the alternative. Thanks for listening. 


Reading. 


Whatever.

The Inbetween

So I haven’t been a total slacker since last week. Blogger has been doing some wacky shit, and I am still not able to comment at all. It just keeps asking me to “Select A Profile” and no matter how many times I enter my username and password it won’t let me get anywhere… So if you haven’t heard from me, it’s not because I stopped loving you!

Things are still going well with me, as far as I know. I’m 11 weeks, 4 days today. My progesterone level is only at 17 even after starting the suppositories back up, so they want me to stay on them until 14 weeks as opposed to 12. Which blows, but I am more than happy to do it. Supposedly my last Heparin shot is this weekend, I say that with trepidation because of how things went with my P4. But holy crow will it be nice not to take any more shots. I’ve been giving myself shots in my stomach daily since JANUARY. I’ve racked up over 290 injections in that time, from Humira, to Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Novarell, to Progesterone in Oil, and finally Heparin. And I’m on my sixth Sharps container. Good times.

As for the pregnancy, I’m starting to feel a leetle more at ease. Especially thanks to the Doppler that was loaned to me by the too fabulous for words Shelby, over at The Great Big IF. I know a few of you had suggested getting one after my last post. I had it then but was too chicken-shit to use it. I was just afraid to try it too early and not find anything,  thereby inducing an aneurysm. Though I did finally get brave enough to give it a whirl a few days ago. I found the heartbeat within about five minutes. I could seriously listen to that All. Day. Long.

I’m starting to have a day here and there where I’m not exhausted and can eat semi normally. Still can’t really do any desserts or spicy foods. I bought a few pairs of Maternity bottoms, I LOVE THEM, except for one pair which I stupidly did not try on before I left the store. They just happened to be my size and I figured great – they’ll be fine. For some reason they are really snug in the legs, but seem to sag and slide in the butt region. So I’m constantly having to hike up the waist. They are the same style as the other pair I bought, which fit fantastically, just a different color… Go Figure. So, I have a small bump, which is more predominant at night time. Right now, my regular shirts are starting to get pretty snug, but I just look like I’ve let myself go a little. And any of the maternity shirts that I’ve tried on look like I’m trying too hard to seem pregnant. Which is still not a label I’m entirely comfortable with. It’s been unseasonably cool here in Northern California, enabling me to wear lots of layers and cardigans, so I’m pretty sure my co-workers are still in the dark. But as soon as the summer actually hits, I know I’m screwed.  What else… I have my Nuchal Translucency Test scheduled but I’m starting to question whether or not it’s something I want to do. Whatever the test results show isn’t going to change our minds about keeping this pregnancy.  And I’m a little concerned about the percentage of accuracy in the test results. But then part of me is like “A two hour ultrasound??? Sign me up, bitches!” … I have another OB appointment before the NT test so I guess I’ll chat with the NP a little more about it – unless you folks care to share your experiences/input. That is, if you can comment. Hopefully blogger will clear things up SOON.

Progesterone Dip - Freaking Out

I was pretty thrilled to take my last PIO shot last week, but I'm panicking now, because my weekly blood draw showed a substantial drop from 31 to 16. Umm, yikes. My Nurse from Dr.3's office told me they weren't super concerned and that they typically see significant drops after progesterone supplementation stops. But she also said they would prefer to see my number more in the 20's.  They are going to have me restart the suppositories. I had originally stopped them because I was having a bad reaction to them. She said if I have another bad reaction that they'll want me to get back on the PIO shots until 12 weeks. Which is 11 days from now. I know that 12 weeks always sounds like a decent safety net, and 11 days isn't that far away. But right now it feels like an eternity.

I have to be honest, I'm pretty much completely terrified right now. I've been really struggling over the last few days, and have had some not so great dreams about Dr.s Appointments.

I have a previously scheduled u/s with my OB for first thing tomorrow morning, but I just don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

I'm really scared.

A Watched Pot

The last few days have been kind of a whirlwind. I go from busy and going about my routines to suddenly remembering my extraordinarily good fortune and my breath catches in my chest and a little snarffle-type-whimper/laugh escapes my lips as I picture those positive pee sticks still sitting on my nightstand. I pretty much carried them around the house all day Saturday, and if I didn't think it would have been obnoxiously inappropriate I probably would have made a necklace out of one. And then all at once I feel like it's happening to someone else.


I also go back and forth between feeling SO ready to move on with the rest of my life (See: potentially recklessly over optimistic), and feeling like I'm still in limbo. Like I can't make certain plans for the next few months, only instead of wondering if I'll be cycling, wondering if I'll still be pregnant. And then maybe I will be cycling with our frozen embie (pleasedon'tletthathappen, pleasedontletthathappen). I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding this September and we're going to have to pick out and order the dresses ASAP. What if next week I order a dress for me at six months along and then two months from now I dont' need it? Yikes. That also means I'm going to have to spill the beans to my future SIL (whom I adore, btw) and at the very least the other bridesmaid. Hmmm.


So I FINALLY got a hold of my nurse, I told her I was about to go into a meeting and didn't want to miss her call. I went in this morning at 9am, and got through to her at 4pm! That was really frustrating. So the news is not bad, but it's not fantastic. Dr. 3 wants to see AT LEAST a 60% increase for Beta #2. My increase was at 62%... Putting my number at 233. My nurse said neither she, nor Dr. 3 are remotely concerned. She warned me about Dr. Google and also said that it's possible one of the two embryo's in arresting. Or she said sometimes the second Beta is just wonky - She's seen much stranger beta's result in babies, and then reminded me that IVF is rarely cut and dry. Physically I'm feeling fine, still really no symptoms to speak of which freaks me out just a little bit especially knowing my second beta number now.... I have some minor cramping, and towards the end I of the day I feel bloated. But that's about it. They want me to do another Beta a week from today, as previously planned. (This is where my nurse stressed that if they were concerned they would have me come back Thursday). At that point they'll want to see a number no less than 954. And that's going by the 60% range again.

So. I wait. I'm trying to keep the faith in the unseen, and not freak out too much. Do me a favor and send a prayer or two my way when you get a sec. Thanks in advance.

A Sight Unseen

The first thing I should tell you is how convinced I was that this cycle had not worked for us. I had no symptoms. At least nothing that screamed "Successful IVF cycle". There was nothing that couldn't be a potential symptom of the PIO shots. My boobs started getting sore the day after I started the Progesterone, which was before the transfer had even taken place. I had some lower back pain - but that is not an uncommon occurrence for me. I also had some minor cramping, but again that could have easily been the PIO shots or suppositories, or the left over enchiladas I kept eating for lunch. And what I considered to be the kicker was the fact that by Thursday (7dp5dt), my jeans were fitting normally and my weight was back to pre-IVF. I thought "Shit, no influx of OHSS - we're screwed". Oh, and did I mention that I came down with a cold the day after the transfer? No fever, but a sore throat, congestion, runny nose, yada yada. I figured we were doomed and I had all but uncorked the expensive bottle of wine I'd picked out to be my 40 ounces to freedom.


Though there had been a slight bit of wavering on his part, Brian and I had agreed to test together Saturday morning. Friday night we stared wide-eyed at each other before we kissed goodnight and did our best to get some rest. Which went surprisingly well until about three am, when the dog wanted out. From three am on we vainly tossed and turned until about four, when Brian leaned over and asked if we could watch TV already. I laughed and we decided to watch the Top Chef Reunion Special. It was really good, and very funny which brought some much needed comic relief. When it was over we knew it was time - we both wanted to get it over with. Just before we walked into the bathroom together I confessed that I didn't think it had worked. Something I hadn't told him because I didn't want to ruin his week just yet. I sat down, peed in a cup, then dipped the test in, put the cap back on the test and handed it to him. We both wanted him to deliver the results. We took the test and went back in to the bedroom where I collapsed on to the bed, bracing myself, and feeling guilty for making him be the one to have to give me the bad news. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glance at the test, then cover it up and rest it back on his knee like he was still waiting to see something. I said "it's negative, right?"... He then, ever so nonchalantly mumbled "well there's a line, but it's really faint..." I bolted upright and grabbed for the test - he said I blurted out something along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?", but I remember no such thing... All I remember was seeing the test and screaming that even if it was light, a line was a line and it was positive!!!!


We're pregnant. 


We hugged and cried and laughed hysterically. I don't think I've ever experienced such unfettered bliss. I sobbed and giggled and shook my head. I thanked god aloud, and when it finally occurred to me that a positive hpt doesn't always equal a take home baby, I thanked god aloud again for letting us at least get this far. 


Two lines. 


We have two lines. 


We looked up our due date. It's mid December. I have a due date, how bizarre is that? We each sent out a few texts to the select group of people we'd let in our our little secret, (those who don't know about this blog, anyway). And really and truly just enjoyed the day. I know that it's a possibility that we may not make it to the end of this journey happily, but I am so incredibly grateful that at least we know something can stick, and for these fleeting moments we know what it's like to be on the other side. And however long we're here I'm going to do my damnedest to revel in every second of it. 


My Beta draw was at 9am this morning, they just called back and my level at 10pd5dt is: 144, Progesterone 56.


I go back Tuesday for a second check.


I can't begin to thank you all enough for your support and enthusiasm on my last post. I cried while reading each one. Hard. I've been offering those same words for so long, it's remarkably strange to realize they are for me. 

This Is Only A Test

Wherever we go; this is further than we've been.

Procrastination Nation

Between the lines of inclination and procrastination exists a dimension of balance and symmetry. I know nothing of this realm, simply because I can only function on one side of the spectrum or the other. I excel to the nth degree of practice in each field. Thin or flush, all or nothing.

For I am my own driving force, and adversely, my own filibuster.

Where am I going with this you ask? Well, right after the seminar I was all gung-ho to get this IVF partay started, but the crappy test results and impending financial burdens really knocked me down, and I immediately started to run the other direction. Cause I'm mature like that. Running away is always the answer - something I am totally going to teach my kids. When I have them - oh wait...

So you know those tests I have to go back for? The ones I complained about like two weeks ago? Well I sort of knew about them two weeks before that. And I've sort of been avoiding them. I know, my ninja like dawdling skills are mind-boggling, yes? Fortunately the grown up in me started to remember how crappy it is to have to scramble to get my shit in order, following a procrastination bender such as this. And also how much I'd like to avoid being committed to a county facility, cause Ima' 'bout to loose my shit if I don't get on the road to parenthood right quick. Plus I would be incredibly disappointed if my cycle got pushed back just cause I was being a douchebag.

So here's my list of shit to do:

• Get Brian's blood work requests over to his GP so that he can order them under something other than infertility in the hopes that the miserable bastards at our insurance company will cover them.
• Get my bill of clean health from my GP, and letter stating that my last Pap was clear.
• Get the Tuberculosis test.
• Get the other blood tests for the gene mutations I can't pronounce let alone spell.
• Call to process my application for free IVF meds.

While we're on the subject, an update on the miserable bastards at the insurance company front. The initial statement I received for the denial of claims on my blood panel was evidently only a portion of the blood tests. The immunology stuff was sent to a lab in Chicago and submitted at a later date. So I received a separate letter from the miserable bastards stating THE ALLOWED CLAIMS. Out of the $1,400+ dollars worth of testing for the immunology, I am responsible for $89.00. HOLEE-CRAP-THEY-BOUGHT-IT. Annnnnnnnnd, I called about the other work (the $3,800 in denied claims), it turns out it was sent to the wrong branch and has since been resubmitted and is currently in review for coverage- YARHOO. I know that isn't a guarantee that everything will be covered, but it's a step in the fucking right direction.

So do I feel bad now about calling them miserable bastards?
No. Fuck, no. Not one bit, because they deny shit that should be covered for people in much worse situations than me on a regular basis and for that I hope their descent to hell is a slow and painful one.

Just to clarify.

So who's ready for the weekend?!

Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

Crap that Sucks, Part I

Methylenetetrahydrofolate, also known as MTHFR, and affectionately referred to as MoTHerFuckeR.

Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is an enzyme that is involved with amino acid metabolism in the body.

A mutation in the gene that produces the enzyme can affect how a person’s body processes homocysteine, which is an amino acid found in blood. (There are several different types of mutations, but this is a blog post not a medical transcript so I’m not going to get into the variances between the different types. But my NP did say that if you have to have a mutation, mine is the one you want to have {two mutations of the A1298C, Homosteine level is 10.5; normal is below 10.4})

An elevated level of homocysteine increases the risk of blood clots, and typically decreases the body’s ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins.

Common risks associated with blood clots are Cardio Vascular Disease, Coronary Heart Disease, and Stoke. In pregnancy: Recurrent fetal losses that can occur in any of the three trimesters, Placenta Abruption (when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall before delivery) Small Gestational Age (where the baby is smaller due to clots in the placenta which results in a lower supply of blood delivered to the baby) Preeclampsia (High Blood pressure, proteins in the urine)

It should also be noted that the decreased ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins leaves your baby susceptible to Neural Tubal Defects (Spina Bifida, and a whole mess of other scary birth defects), Preeclampsia and Blood Clots.

So part of the reason that not all doctors test for this is because the link between the MTHFR and recurrent Miscarriage has not been conclusively proven, therefore has never been formally introduced as a risk factor that should be routinely tested for.

I wrote this post because doing the research was therapeutic for me. And unlike my ability to properly absorb Folic acid, having to decipher the data and regurgitate it forces me to really absorb the information, and now I might not kill myself. KIDDING. This shit instantly mattered a whole lot less when I got the NK Assay results back. I still have a lot more reading to do there.

Please, please, please, please, please do not hesitate to contact me if you see the slightest bit of misinformation in my statements above. You can also email me for my references.

Annnnd the last of it; Dr. 3’s preferred method of treatment:

• 2.2 mg of Folgard daily, which is a high dosage of Folic Acid, B6 and B12 (starting now, and pretty much for the rest of my life)
• A prescription strength prenatal vitamin (starting now)
• Low dose/ Baby Aspirin (81mg) (starting now)
• Heparin: Likely started just after my transfer, I will need to give myself two shots per day until I’m at least twelve weeks along, possibly longer - pending future blood tests and the actual occurrence of me being pregnant.
• Calcium: 500mg twice per day, because heparin can cause bone loss. (after I begin heparin)

I'd like to thank all of you for your incredibly thougthful comments, success stories, and information. I'm so grateful for all of you, and especially those who are active participants with the LFCA.

Well, If They Don't Know...

I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments on my last post particularly. I'm still digesting the information but I can see clearly enough now to know four things.

1. The ALI community is AH.MAZ.ING.

2. I'm grateful that these issues have been diagnosed now, and not after an IVF failure or miscarriage.

3. A big part of me feels like we had to go through the failures at our other clinic to get us to where we are now.

4. I'm perplexed. I really, really don't understand how certain controversial medical, and scientific theories are not actively proven either way. I understand the contentions behind the Big Bang theory, but in my uneducated opinion: that shit happened a long ass time ago, and there ain't much any of us can do about it until Doc Browns visions come to fruition in real life. But how is it that with all the technological advancements we have at our finger tips and with the issues in front of us now, that there is still room to argue about things like global warming, possible causes for autism, and immunology's impact on reproduction? I realize that it simply takes time to run proper experiments and compile evidence, and that it's not remotely as cut and dry as I'm thinking it should be. I know I probably sounds like a moron, but I guess my point is that I'm frustrated that there aren't any irrefutable answers. Yet.

Friday I had been emailing with a good friend and fellow blogger, Sarang about how frustrating it is that some doctors practice the immunological studies and some don't. (As was also pointed out by a comment in my last post, thanks LC). There are two MAJOR Universities near me that don't test for immunological disorders. During the second opinion we got at one of the universities, the distinguished RE we saw diplomatically told me that it was 'nonsense' when I brought it up. But just a few hours before that, the OBGYN who works closely with the RE I'm seeing now, told me that his miscarriage rate had dropped by almost 20% since he started following the preventative care methods based on the immunological disorders. i.e. the IVig, and intralipid infusions, and blood thinners for MTHFR - clotting issues, etc. Still, I can't overlook the fact that there are the big guns like CCRM who don't practice this...

What does that say? Is my RE a trailblazing pioneer or a bohemian maverick?

What Has Two Thumbs

And tested positive for two A1298C mutations, indicating MTHFR?

Alright, we all know how that one ends...

So, craaaaaap. I guess with my OPCOS diagnosis and now this I can officially say we are a train wreck Male and Female factor IF. I know this isn't the worst possible senario, but having gone two and a half years and six dIUI's believing that we only had the male factor issue, well, it sort of makes me want to crack some skulls.

MTHFR is not something that my old RE would have ever tested for. Because it falls under immunological disorders. And my old clinic didn't believe in immunological factors... Some RE's do, some don't. And it's not being partial to CSI: Las Vegas over Miami, it's like different religions.

I thought science was a little more... black and white.

How does one not believe in a gene mutation?

I don't understand.

And more than that, I don't quite understand what this means for me.

And my likelihood of a successful pregnancy.

I'm scared.

I probably sound like a complete moron, and believe me, I know enough to know that I can't even begin to comprehend the complexities behind this issue. I just wish that I didn't feel so caught in the middle...

An MTHFR success story might be nice to hear right about now.

I've started reading up on it, but I don't really know what to consider a legitimate source. Any recommendations?

Been There, Hoped That

Even though ninety-nine percent of me is brimming with excitement over our upcoming cycle and testing, there is still an echo of the fact that we've been here before. And more than that, I can't help but think of how many of you out there are still struggling after having switched clinics in hopes that the next ART cycle would be your last (meaning you got, and stayed pregnant) but then, to no avail...

But I can't keep thinking like that. Every situation is different. And it'll be in my best interest to stick with the positive thoughts instead of the "fuck,what if..." thoughts. No need to unearth the crazy just yet.

So the phone consult went great. Really, really great. He instantly acknowledged that we'd "been at it for a while". Yes, indeed we have. He said based on my previous test results, he was rather surprised that none of our IUI's worked. And if you're keeping count, he is the THIRD RE to make the same comment. He said after, six dIUI's, there would have been at least a 50% chance that I should have had some sort of positive. So he'd like to run a full immunological blood panel, as well as a refresher on the standard tests. And he was happy with the results of my first HSG so I won't need to do another one - yippiekiyay motherfucker, that shit hurt. He did say that he was slightly concerned that I may have an ovarian issue of the Poly Cystic variety - EVEN IF I'm ovulating regularly. (Boo.)

As for Brian, the doctor was very pleased to hear that he'd been on supplements since June. He'd like to get a current SA done, and would also like to bank 2-3 vials of his sperm for our IVF cycle. He said Brian will of course need to provide a fresh sample the day of my retrieval, but this will give us a fall back in case there are any issues with his sample on the big day. I feel really good about that.

After he finished his side of the questions he opened the floor up to us. My first concern unfortunately, was about money. I told him that we had met with an OBGYN earlier in the year who mentioned working with him. When we met with this guy in January I thought he was a total yahoo (still do), and referred to him here as Dr. Do Little. His only saving grace was his affiliation with our Doctor and that he offered to run a blood panel for me under "Infectious Diseases" as opposed to "Infertility" so that it would get covered by our insurance... This is the same exact panel that our new RE would like to order. Since I knew that might be the case I called last week to see if they would still be open to the insurance deception, and much to my delight they agreed.

I'm pretty grateful that my cycle just happened to coincide with the seminar and phone consult, so tomorrow I will go in for a CD3 blood panel, (FSH, Estrodial, etc.), then have three separate vials drawn for the immunological tests which will be shipped off to Chicago. And last but not least our RE would like to see me for a CD3 Antra follicle count (ultrasound). Not really looking forward to that one, but it will be nice to meet him formally. Can you even call it "formal" if I don't have pants on?

Anyway, one more good thing. He said we qualify for both the Shared Risk Program- where we'd get 90% of our money put back on our credit card refunded if a fresh IVF cycle and subsequent FET's did not result in a pregnancy exceeding twelve weeks; and the Two Cycle Program - in which would would be given a substantial discount upon paying for two cycles upfront. The jury's still out on this one, vacillating blog post to come.

In summation my friends, I'm pretty fricken excited. Moderately terrified underneath it all, but so, SO ready to move forward.

Sensory Overload

WHERE TO BEGIN? I guess I'll start with when we first arrived. They had appetizers. I love this Doctor already. Turkey and Roast beef wraps (like pinwheels) with bell peppers and cream cheese. And an open bar. Okay not really, but I could have used a beer to take the edge off my nerves fo' sho'. With food in my tummy and a steno pad in my purse, I was more than ready to get started.

When we walked up to the desk to give our names the nurse coordinator greeted me with a huge smile and a cheerful "Oh, hi Melissa!". My first reaction was a little disconcerted, while I returned her smile I wondered why her demeanor was more like checking people in at a high school reunion and less like a symposium for a group of people who are (potentially) experiencing the biggest challenge of their lives. But as I listened from the inside of Conference Room A to her greeting other people, I had to laugh at my own jadedness. This wasn't a Rosary. We shouldn't feel sad or ashamed. And as the doctor began speaking I knew instantly that I was thinking like an asshole. This event should bring everyone attending hope and excitement. This man could FINALLY get us knocked up for Fucks sake - put a damn smile on your face!

But it was obvious that I wasn't the only one with trepidations, I quickly noticed that I was the only one laughing at the doctors attempts at jokes. Like when he said his head Embryologist was "Anal and scrupulous; not the kind of man you want to be married to, but definitely the man you want watching over your gametes".

The rest of the seminar was great. I don't mean to sound like a douche, but I was significantly well versed in most of the topics he covered. (But I'll chalk that up to the obscene amount of time I've spent reading so many of your well documented blogs.) The exception being the structure and operational elements of his lab and his philosophies on various topics.

• Day 3 vs Day 5: He almost always does Day 5 unless by Day 3 there is only a small amount of embryo's, or some other significant factor. He likes to see the embryo's as close to the hatching point as possible before transferring.


• How many embryo's to transfer: His decisions are mostly based upon age. Under 35, no more than two - barring special circumstances. Over 35, no more than four. (A post on this specific topic is in the works.)


• Vitrification: They use the vitrification process for freezing. Which freezes the embryo to -196 degree's Celsius in milliseconds, leading to zero crystallization. Which means lower attrition, and better thaw rates

Overall it was a really great experience. And I'll bet the folks who are newer to the process gained a lot from this meeting. It was very thorough, and included video's of ICSI, egg retrievals, embryo transfers. Things I had seen, but I knew Brian hadn't. We ended the evening with questions from the attendees, the only questions I had were pretty specific to our situation and I prefer to ask them during our consultation this Saturday. After our consultation, we'll get started on testing again, since it's been about two years since our last round. CD3 could be as early as Monday or Tuesday for me, and we'll be doing an updated SA for Brian - I CAN'T WAIT to see if the tic tacs worked!

I guess this means our break is over, huh?

FUCK YEAH IT IS.

Inconsistency

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, my weekend was better than I could have hoped for. We went to dinner Friday night, did a movie marathon Saturday during the day, then finished up by using my spa gift cards (from Christmas) to get both of us massages! Which were fantastic save one thing. My girls. O-M-F-G do my boobs hurt. Laying on my stomach while the masseuse was doing my back was borderline agony. I almost asked her to stop. I've grown accustomed to the typical cast of characters as far as my PMS goes, but it's been all over the place since dealing with meds. Namely the progesterone. Sore boobs have always been a significant symptom, they'd start getting sore the day after I ovulated, and continue that way until I got my period. But once I started the progesterone the soreness was gone... HALLELUJAH!!! I sort of welcomed all the other crappy side effects from the Prometrium because I had been spared from the two weeks of barely being able to sleep on my stomach because my girls hurt so bad... Actually the worst part was taking off my bra at the end of the day.

But now my last two cycles have been fairly strange. The first period I had after my last BFN was nine days early. And I'm fairly certain I didn't ovulate, I'm one of the freaks who can feel it, and I never had any EWCM. And I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate in February either because again both main indicators were MIA. As was my period, which this time was nine days late. And all the while, my girls stayed silent. Until I got my period, she showed up the day after I finally gave in and tested. (No miracle BFP for us, no way, no how!) So since the day my tardy period showed up my girls have been sore. I finally ovulated on Wednesday last week and from that day on they've gotten even MORE sore - GAH! At one point Brian got so tired of hearing me complain that he barked out: "Jesus, you should go get them checked out!" As if they're sprained ankles or something... I was about to sarcastically thank him for his compassion when he quipped that it would probably suck a lot if his boys were sore for weeks at a time. Indeed, Sir.

Anyone else have anything like that? - Odd cycles and strong PMS symptoms after stopping medicated cycles?

Anyway, where was I ? Right - the weekend. So yes, I had a lovely birthday although I insisted that Brian not call it my "birthday weekend" and just call it my "me-time". I didn't really want to acknowledge it much. Thirty one - oy vey. It's not that I feel old or anything, it's just absorbing the fact that I'm not twenty-two anymore. Which in a way - thank gawd for that. But you know what I mean... Back to my "me-time" I think hands down the best part of my weekend was having Brian all to myself. He's been pretty busy with his company as of late, so it was quite the treat to steal him away. Thanks for spoiling me dear.

Radio Silence

I've had plenty to write about lately, but just not the urge to write. Which feels strange to me. There have been many moments over the last two plus years where I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to come here and lay it all out. Every thought. Every feeling. Leaving no detail unwritten. But lately I find that I'm less and less inclined to share. Not because I think the details of my goings on these days are any less important, but because my feelings aren't bubbling over the top anymore. This break from trying - it's starting to become more than a getaway and more like an extended leave. Don't get me wrong it's not like all the baby thoughts have magically disappeared- All the normal stuff that bothers us infertile's still stings, but the voices that echo the pain back and forth have begun to grow still, and I can hear myself think again.

It's kinda nice.

So as much as I hate to admit it our old RE was sort of right about seeing a urologist. He was a really cool Doctor, and aside from being extremely knowledgeable about IF, he was just really funny and warm, and didn't BS us. And in the middle of the appointment he stopped what he was doing and told us he hopes it happens for us soon because we're going to be great parents. It was just so sweet of him to say, he sounded so genuine it kind of caught me off guard. And then he asked Brian to turn his head and cough.

So other than concluding the appointment with information we already knew, we did at least get some reassurance about Brian's Testosterone levels, which our most recent RE told us to look into. Brian's results were on the higher side of being boarder line, but it turns out that his test was done at 1pm, when testosterone levels should be checked at 8am... So this doctor said they would more than likely be normal if we were to test again at the correct time. Which makes sense cause Brian usually has a five o'clock shadow by noon. So next we'll probably do the DNA fragmentation test with our current RE because they give a discount to those who have no IF insurance coverage.

In other news we're going to interview one more RE. He's very well established, and closer to home than our current RE, so if we like him and the cost won't be much different then it'd be nice to be so close to his office. And while I feel it's necessary to finish up some testing and check one more doctor off our list, I also think it's important that I tell you all how far away our next treatment will probably be. We haven't set a date for when we're jumping back on the ttc train, and we're not going to. Partially because of finances and partially because I am REALLY not ready. I still can't believe I feel that way, and I remember shaking my head when reading a statement like that on other blogs. I couldn't identify with not wanting to pursue treatments. But right now, I need to focus on me and Brian. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it feels SO GOOD. The clouds are slowly lifting, and I'm head over heels for my new found freedom from heartache. Yes, I still think about babies, and everything we've gone through. I still haven't gone back on Fac.ebook to avoid a pregnancy related status update. But the wait/weight is gone. I'm not going to let anxiety and frustration rule my life anymore. Until I start cycling again anyway.

More Testing?

Sweet Jesus am I glad to be able to write this post... We haven't been getting any Internet at my house for the past few days, so I ended up spending SIX HOURS straight on the phone with technical support trying to fix it. SIX HOURS. I actually cried while I was on hold. Twice. I cry really easily over sappy stuff in books and movies, but I'm not typically one to cry over stupid shit like a computer. I was so exhausted after all that I didn't even want to look at my laptop. Even after a few days. So forgive me that my commenting and posting has been so light. And on top of all that, I got lapped for the THIRD time by this "guy".

Anyway, the saga continues with "What the crap are we going to do now?". I made an appointment with a urologist for Brian, for this Friday. Like the obsessive and controlling supportive little wifey that I am, I will be attending. (Hey Teresa, can I leave early Friday?). The RE we saw recently recommend that he go see a urologist whether it was for infertility or not. Just to make sure there are no other underlying issues. Our old RE told us not to even bother... That it would be a complete waste of time... Fucker- that's just one more reason I want to punch him in the face. So we are going to make sure there are no other problems and I think I want to ask him to do a DNA Fragmentation test on another Semen Analysis. From what I understand when your fragmentation is above 30-35%, your risk of miscarriage is higher and your possibility of fertilization is lower. Something that concerns me on top of the gamble of our one time shot at IVF w/ ICSI...

But on to happier things!

I would like to announce the winner of the Eventually necklace giveaway, Drum roll please: It's Dee from Where'smy2lines!!!!! Wooo hoo!!! Dee is a rockstar veteran who is about to embark upon her seventh IVF with a brand new, and fabulous RE at her service. After reviewing all of her tests and history he has made some big changes in her diagnosis and protocol for this next round. I have every hope that Dee's eventual baby will be here before she knows it! When you get a second please stop by her blog to give her your best wishes!

Three Doctors and an Infertile Walk into a Bar...

First of all, if you had today off for MLK, I hate you. Where ever you are, I hate you. I'm so exhausted and there is a big storm heading into the Bay Area. Today should have been filled with movies from the 80's and Top Ramen, and I should still be in pajama's from the night before!!!

But it wasn't. And I had to work. Meh. The only consolation is that this is still a four day work week for me. I'm taking Friday off. Not to watch movies and eat ramen. But to shop for a new RE.

My first appointment and order of business is with my GP. Time for my annual pap Smear. Fun, Fun. I was technically supposed to go in October, but I was SO sure I would be newly pregnant by then that I kept blowing it off. Yes, I know you can get a pap smear while you're pregnant, not that I need to worry about that now. Oh and I'm looking forward to the conversation with my doctor as our last one was right before we were sent to an RE. So I'll get to rehash all the goings on from the crappiest year of my life thus far. Remind me to get a mocha before I head in there, the elevation in blood sugar should keep me happy enough to refrain from gauging out my own eye's while I sit freezing in my paper gown waiting for my doctor who's always at least 25 minutes late.

Appointment deux, is with a local OBGYN, who was recommended by a friend who had a successful IUI with him. She delivered a healthy baby boy last month. I know, I know what you're thinking: An OB? Not an RE?! Has she gone quietly mad?! I assure you that when I go, it will most definitely not be quietly, and you'll all be the first to know. So this OB does a lot of the standard practices for IUI's that my RE would have, only this guys waiting room is not overlooking Alcatraz and the Bay Bridge. He maintains a practice outside of the hospital, and has fantastic reviews from my friend who's a mom because of him, and from the local physician's websites I found. I called a few weeks ago to ask if they would be able to work with donor sperm, and got the head Nurse Practitioner on the phone. She must have spent a good 20-30 minutes on the phone discussing my history, and how tough infertility can be. And how she was sorry I had to go through all this.

When Brian suggested we go see this Doctor, I totally blew him off. I was like: "Why would we go waste our time and money with a regular ol' doctor? We should be seeing a specialist". But my chat with the NP completely disarmed me. She was eloquent, and very kind and extremely inquisitive about the variables of my cycle. She asked if they had done any other testing after my multiple failed cycles. Such as looking for a clotting disorder, or polyps. The testing she was asking me about makes me think that we have been doing everything wrong from the beginning and I'm starting to freak out about it.

Fuck I hate the testing phase, I know it's exciting to get answers, but I went through this before, and I'm terrified that something major could have been missed.

My third and final appointment is at a very prestigious hospital with a very reputable RE, that came highly recommended by two of my IF buddies. (Thank you Lau and Nikki) I feel very confident about this doctor, and also pretty intimidated.

I'm starting to seriously panic about these appointments. I'm afraid that these doctors are going to question everything we've done up to this point. That they'll tell us the IUI's were a waste of time, and that we never had to do donor. I've always felt very well informed on our situation but now I'm literally questioning everything. Ugh, Friday suddenly feels very far away.

Lastly I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and reassuring comments on my last post. I was really concerned about alienating anyone - especially people I care about. I'm grateful that so many of you shared that you had felt the same way at one point or another. And I'm grateful to be reminded yet again, that I am in no way alone in all this. Hugs.

Because One Wasn't Enough

I got to see another negative pregnancy test this morning.

You see, AF still hasn't shown. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday; for the last two cycles it only took her a day and a half to show. And I've still been experiencing those mysterious cramps, only to a higher degree. My lower back cramps actually woke me up the night before. Because they were so persistent, and so intense, on top of the fact that I rarely ever have them AND my period was still MIA, gave me the tiniest glimmer of hope. What if I'm one of those weird phenomenons who don't get a positive test at 14dpiui, or what if the test was faulty??? I thought. When I should have known better that her absence was yet another cruel joke.

Last night during my brief spell of hope, I battered myself with the what ifs. I chastised myself for drinking caffeine, and alcohol before AF actually showed as proof that this cycle was a bust. Again. But alas it was all for nothing. AGAIN. I don't have to refer to Drgoogle to find out what happens when if you stop taking your progesterone in early pregnancy. I'll continue to wear a panty liner, and expect her appearance each time I head to the ladies room. Gosh if I'm lucky she'll show up on Friday.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Melissa!

Love,

Your empty uterus.

Okay I'm Freaking Out A Little

First things first, I have no news. (sorry if the title was misleading) Other than I'm really starting to freak out. The anticipation is KILLING me.

With the exception of the first part of my post yesterday, I'm not typically the type who talks about their symptoms in the wait. I usually just say I feel nothing, even when I notice a thing or two. Partially because I hate pointless drama, and don't want to get any ones hopes up, namely mine. Partially because I'm un peu superstitious. But mostly because I really do my damnedest to ignore and disqualify them. That being said: most of yesterday afternoon I had, what I thought was, pretty significant uterine cramping. And later in the evening it turned into lower back cramping. The lower back cramping is what I typically get the moment my period shows up. But not for very long. I rarely have cramps at all. Could it have been the crappy seats at the Sharks game? Possibly. But what kills me is today I feel NOTHING. Not a cramp, not a twinge. Nothing.

And I'm starting to freak out.

I'm DYING to take a test, yet I'm utterly terrified of the results.

Tomorrow marks one year exactly that we got our IVF diagnosis. I can't believe it's been a whole fucking year. I'm freaking out. Agonizing over what that test will tell me tomorrow. This wait- is killing me....

Nope: The ICLW Edition

Hello there folks! Welcome to my blog. I've been sleeping with an HPT under my pillow for what seems like a fricken ETERNITY but is actually just over two years now. My husband and I were diagnosed with severe MFI in December 2008. (Almost our crapiversary!) After that we spent a very long time planning our next move and decided to go on to Donor Insemination - Which is not going very well at all. Not the donor part, but the insemination and me actually getting pregnant part.

I found out this morning that our 5th dIUI cycle failed. FIFTH! I still have the damn lopsided First Response test sitting next to me. I'm glaring at it, but nothing is changing in that little window - there's something my hormones can't scare into submission.

I can't fucking believe it didn't work AGAIN.

A little more history - Supposedly there is nothing "wrong" with me. "You'll be pregnant in no time" said my RE, and I believed him! So we started with three natural IUI's- back to back and OPK monitored. The last two have been with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. My body has responded well, getting two follicles from each round of meds, but still nothing. Neither myself, nor my RE have any idea why it hasn't worked so far, and it's really starting to piss me off. We plan to do one more cycle with Letrozole, then rob a bank so we can afford a more aggressive approach, because the last 5 cycles have damn near sucked us dry. Okay, FINE, actually we're going to do one more cycle then take a break to save up some cash. Then we'll likely move on to injectables.

Sorry for all of the rambling. If you are interested in a more DI related post you can read this one. It covers a lot. Well I look forward to reading all of your blogs, thanks for stopping by!