Blogher Anyone?

When you're open with your friends about your infertility, it can sometimes negatively effect/impact those relationships. Especially when they get pregnant. You may remember the friends I mentioned who avoided us for several months, then finally called us when they couldn't hide it anymore were twenty weeks along. Then to add insult to injury I never got an invitation to her shower... It was later determined that her mother had used the address list from her wedding (Brian and I were both in the wedding party) which had our old P.O. Box listed, so I never got it. Even though we have gone to see their baby, and Brian and the husband keep in contact, our friendship has never been the same. And occasionally whilst taking stock of things, I'd feel sad about it. But as of last week I feel worse. The husband I spoke of was recently diagnosed with a pretty advanced form of Lung Cancer. He's 34.

It's shocking, and sad. And I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. Brian is taking it pretty hard. It's scary when you start to think about how short life really is, or can be. And thought of cancer has been haunting me lately. Yes, our situation with infertility sucks. But it's not life threatening. I haven't been able to complain to myself about much lately because I keep thinking - at least we're healthy. We're so lucky to be able to say that.

Then today I came across this post from A Year of Slow Cooking's blog. Her best friend' s sister has Breast Cancer. Her best friend also happens to work for a little company called Blogher, and is holding a raffle for those who donate to her sister's fund for medical bills that aren't covered by insurance. The Prize? A Full Conference Pass to the SOLD OUT 2010 Blogher Convention in New York City. Not too shabby.

I'll be the first to speak up about how much infertility sucks, but I think it's only than fair to say that Cancer sucks more.

More Testing?

Sweet Jesus am I glad to be able to write this post... We haven't been getting any Internet at my house for the past few days, so I ended up spending SIX HOURS straight on the phone with technical support trying to fix it. SIX HOURS. I actually cried while I was on hold. Twice. I cry really easily over sappy stuff in books and movies, but I'm not typically one to cry over stupid shit like a computer. I was so exhausted after all that I didn't even want to look at my laptop. Even after a few days. So forgive me that my commenting and posting has been so light. And on top of all that, I got lapped for the THIRD time by this "guy".

Anyway, the saga continues with "What the crap are we going to do now?". I made an appointment with a urologist for Brian, for this Friday. Like the obsessive and controlling supportive little wifey that I am, I will be attending. (Hey Teresa, can I leave early Friday?). The RE we saw recently recommend that he go see a urologist whether it was for infertility or not. Just to make sure there are no other underlying issues. Our old RE told us not to even bother... That it would be a complete waste of time... Fucker- that's just one more reason I want to punch him in the face. So we are going to make sure there are no other problems and I think I want to ask him to do a DNA Fragmentation test on another Semen Analysis. From what I understand when your fragmentation is above 30-35%, your risk of miscarriage is higher and your possibility of fertilization is lower. Something that concerns me on top of the gamble of our one time shot at IVF w/ ICSI...

But on to happier things!

I would like to announce the winner of the Eventually necklace giveaway, Drum roll please: It's Dee from Where'smy2lines!!!!! Wooo hoo!!! Dee is a rockstar veteran who is about to embark upon her seventh IVF with a brand new, and fabulous RE at her service. After reviewing all of her tests and history he has made some big changes in her diagnosis and protocol for this next round. I have every hope that Dee's eventual baby will be here before she knows it! When you get a second please stop by her blog to give her your best wishes!

Eventually

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. We did end up making it to our friends house, and we did give them the Sharks stuff. I wish I could say it was because I found a new source of inner strength, but the truth is I really hated the idea of putting it off any longer. I'd been dreading this visit for months now, and the thought of it looming over my head for even longer seemed a worse consequence than suffering for a single hour. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it still sucked ass. Seeing the baby wasn't too bad (I remembered I actually like babies) it was watching the blissful grandparents and great grandparents shine over the newest family member. Just the thought of our grandparents not being around to meet our child(ren) breaks my heart. And in a way I feel like we've failed them. Seeing my friend (the daddy) all oowey gooey over his daughter was rough too. I don't blame him though, I'm sure Brian will be the same way. (SOMEDAY) It's just hard because this should have been us- two years ago.

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We still haven't made any progress with making a decision about our next step. My opinion changes on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, but I'm doing my best not to burden Brian with each of my newest conclusions. God knows he's put up with enough of my crazy already.

The only good news is that I don't feel pressured by time or the pure ache to be cycling/doing SOMETHING. I am somewhat content with taking as much time as we need to figure out what is the best option. Which helps me find peace when I start to get too deep in to contemplation.

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Several weeks ago I was reading a post by S at Misconceptions about Conception, when she wrote about a necklace she had purchased from Et.sy. When I saw it I immediately fell in love with idea of what it represented. And at the time was in dire need for a little retail therapy...

I love this necklace. And I wear it often. I feel like everyone still in the battle should have one to wear proudly. To rub between their fingers when they walk past a pregnant woman, or visit new parents in the hospital, or dodge the "when are you having kids?" conversation.

I wish I could give one to all of you. But can't. I can only give out one. When I made this purchase before my last failed cycle I decided that I would buy two. I thought that if I finally got my BFP that month I could share this with you to say: "See? It will happen, Eventually". And if I didn't get my BFP, I knew I could still hold my head up knowing that so many of you have dealt with failures, and that you can still say: "It will happen, Eventually".

I did not get any sponsorship for this. It's just something I really want to do. I tried to come up with some really creative ways to pick a winner, but the truth is I'm just not that creative. So I'm going to do a good old fashioned drawing.

To enter, please email me with your Name and Blog address at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com. If you are the winner I will contact you via email before I post anything here, to make sure that you're okay with me posting about you. My only request is that participants are ones who are still battling IF. Please make sure your entries are in by February 15th. I will pick a winner and post about it shortly thereafter.

Good luck!