SuppleMENTAL

Since embarking upon on my weight loss journey I've found it decidedly convenient to have something else to obsess over whilst on our TTC/ART hiatus. Don't worry I'm not weighing out my portions of cereal or anything. The food part is surprisingly easy for me. It's actually more of the exercise part that I tend to be obsessive about. I'm working out between four and five days a week and it's really going well. But I fully admit that it takes A LOT of willpower to keep my ass off the couch and motivated to exercise so consistently. That part is not so easy.

So since I'm on this new health kick I have decided to subject Brian to a pretty hefty load of supplements to help his boys get a little more whip in their tails. To be one hundred percent honest, I have no idea if it is even going to work. It's a total Hail Mary, but it's a relatively easy thing that we can try to do to boost our chances for my hopelessly delusional miracle BFP aspiration a successful IVF cycle.

I initially got the "cocktail" from Dee who posted about how it helped her husband with severe MFI. (Dee btw, is currently pregnant with triplets (!) after her SEVENTH IVF) I then ran it passed my acupuncturist, who is a licensed herbalist. She approved and was able to order all the goods for me. So now Brian is chugging two different buffered powders in juices - twice per day- AND taking eleven pills a day on top of that.... (Thanks dear)

So for all I know thirty packs of Tic Tacs could yield the same results since we're still possibly dealing with a chromosomal issue, but you know what? This makes me feel like we're actually doing something. Like the twelve months we're taking off to save up for IVF won't be completely useless otherwise. And I'd hate to get to our first cycle and have it fail, then think to myself that I coulda/woulda/shoulda put him on those damn Tic Tacs, and that maybe just maybe we would have had a different outcome. You know how that goes...

So anyway, I'm assuming the RE we're going to meet with in October is going to order another S/A. And I'll commence hoping with all my might that we do infact see a difference - I'm not expecting a perfect score, but just a little something for his efforts would be nice. This appointment afterall will be over 120 days after Brian started this regimen, and from the various reports I've read sperm mature at 70 - 90 days past production, so it should be just in time. Annnnd I guess that's all I have to say about Brian's sperm.

For now.

Wish us luck!

Eventually

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. We did end up making it to our friends house, and we did give them the Sharks stuff. I wish I could say it was because I found a new source of inner strength, but the truth is I really hated the idea of putting it off any longer. I'd been dreading this visit for months now, and the thought of it looming over my head for even longer seemed a worse consequence than suffering for a single hour. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it still sucked ass. Seeing the baby wasn't too bad (I remembered I actually like babies) it was watching the blissful grandparents and great grandparents shine over the newest family member. Just the thought of our grandparents not being around to meet our child(ren) breaks my heart. And in a way I feel like we've failed them. Seeing my friend (the daddy) all oowey gooey over his daughter was rough too. I don't blame him though, I'm sure Brian will be the same way. (SOMEDAY) It's just hard because this should have been us- two years ago.

............................................

We still haven't made any progress with making a decision about our next step. My opinion changes on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, but I'm doing my best not to burden Brian with each of my newest conclusions. God knows he's put up with enough of my crazy already.

The only good news is that I don't feel pressured by time or the pure ache to be cycling/doing SOMETHING. I am somewhat content with taking as much time as we need to figure out what is the best option. Which helps me find peace when I start to get too deep in to contemplation.

......................

Several weeks ago I was reading a post by S at Misconceptions about Conception, when she wrote about a necklace she had purchased from Et.sy. When I saw it I immediately fell in love with idea of what it represented. And at the time was in dire need for a little retail therapy...

I love this necklace. And I wear it often. I feel like everyone still in the battle should have one to wear proudly. To rub between their fingers when they walk past a pregnant woman, or visit new parents in the hospital, or dodge the "when are you having kids?" conversation.

I wish I could give one to all of you. But can't. I can only give out one. When I made this purchase before my last failed cycle I decided that I would buy two. I thought that if I finally got my BFP that month I could share this with you to say: "See? It will happen, Eventually". And if I didn't get my BFP, I knew I could still hold my head up knowing that so many of you have dealt with failures, and that you can still say: "It will happen, Eventually".

I did not get any sponsorship for this. It's just something I really want to do. I tried to come up with some really creative ways to pick a winner, but the truth is I'm just not that creative. So I'm going to do a good old fashioned drawing.

To enter, please email me with your Name and Blog address at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com. If you are the winner I will contact you via email before I post anything here, to make sure that you're okay with me posting about you. My only request is that participants are ones who are still battling IF. Please make sure your entries are in by February 15th. I will pick a winner and post about it shortly thereafter.

Good luck!

A Reevaluation

It's amazing what a single conversation can do. How is it that being presented with a simple question, can suddenly change your outlook or assessment of something you felt so strongly about before? This morning I was lucky enough to meet up with the lovely and ever genuine Hillary, at Making Me Mom. She was in town for the holiday weekend and was gracious enough to squeeze in a coffee with me. (Umm by the way, Starbucks is no longer serving the Carmel Brulee Latte. - I know! I almost cried.)

There is such a unique feeling when you meet another IF blogger. Here is this person whom you've never met, but share a life altering circumstance with. So particular is this condition, that it seems only the people afflicted by it can understand where you're coming from. Cultures, religion, or diagnosis have no bearing on this bond you've discovered. The conversations are easy, (once you get passed the meeting-a-complete-stranger jitters. Maybe that's just me though) and there is little space between each thought or sentence.

Shortly into our meeting, Hillary asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about 2009, 2010 and the year ahead. (Since she's out of town she hadn't been able to catch my recent disparaging, and profanity laden post about last year. That's probably a not a bad thing though.) It's sounds like a relatively simple question, but the answer honestly stumped me. I'd been spending so much time resenting 2009, that I forgotten to look ahead at what might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pissed about 2009, but having to discuss it in a civilized conversation made me realize that not all of last year sucked. My husband started his own business, which is something we'd been working towards for a very long time. It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to one. I was in the room when my best friend's baby was born, that was pretty incredible. We've seen a few really good concerts (which is very important to me)... Other than that whole not getting pregnant part- life was just life, and truly - not all that terrible. It wasn't as if I had wasted any time; things just didn't work out like we'd hoped they would. Do I wish we had been a leeeettle more aggressive with treatments? Hell to the Y-E-S. But I don't think we did anything really wrong with them...

And as for 2010, well right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Maybe it's because I haven't looked much passed my Yahoo horoscope. Or maybe because it's only January 2nd, and there hasn't been anything to screw it up. But I'm going to break precedence and therefore my first order of business will not be to obsessively plan out the next six months in terms of cycles and finances (Brian is probably jumping up and down right now), but to enjoy the things I used to do before trying to make a baby took over. Cooking, listening to music, and just being my husbands wife. I need to find me again. And I feel lucky that I have the good sense to do so. You see, receiving that gift from our friends has taken a large part of the uncertainty out of how we will approach our next round of treatments. Now we can move forward when we're ready, not when we finally have some money. It's such a HUGE relief to know we won't be held back because of our finances. That check is so much more than a few extra zero's in a bank account. It took the pressure off of when our next round will begin. And I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to say that.

So thank you Hillary, for helping me see what's really important. Here's to 2010, May it not suck like last year. May a little hope go a long way, and help to bring each of us our hearts desire.

Because One Wasn't Enough

I got to see another negative pregnancy test this morning.

You see, AF still hasn't shown. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday; for the last two cycles it only took her a day and a half to show. And I've still been experiencing those mysterious cramps, only to a higher degree. My lower back cramps actually woke me up the night before. Because they were so persistent, and so intense, on top of the fact that I rarely ever have them AND my period was still MIA, gave me the tiniest glimmer of hope. What if I'm one of those weird phenomenons who don't get a positive test at 14dpiui, or what if the test was faulty??? I thought. When I should have known better that her absence was yet another cruel joke.

Last night during my brief spell of hope, I battered myself with the what ifs. I chastised myself for drinking caffeine, and alcohol before AF actually showed as proof that this cycle was a bust. Again. But alas it was all for nothing. AGAIN. I don't have to refer to Drgoogle to find out what happens when if you stop taking your progesterone in early pregnancy. I'll continue to wear a panty liner, and expect her appearance each time I head to the ladies room. Gosh if I'm lucky she'll show up on Friday.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Melissa!

Love,

Your empty uterus.

Terms and Conditions

This holiday season continues to be blah for us. I never got around to decorating the inside of the house, or even getting a tree for that matter. Neither of us really feel like it. We do have the lights up on the outside of the house, which looks magical as always. Brian really does a hell of a job at that.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to have to take a few months off to pay down some debt and save up some money. I really hate the thought of not being able to cycle, but we have to be financially responsible. In order to keep my eyes on the prize I've come up with a few goals that I'd like to accomplish during our down time.

1. Donate Blood: this is something I have wanted to do for years, but ttc has gotten in the way.

2. Loose some weight: I have really abused desserts and spitefully indulged in soft cheeses as way of coping with my anger, frustration, and overall sadness that has come with dealing with IF.

3. Try Yoga: I've always been intrigued by it, but never made much of an effort to explore it. I may have to start with a video of some sort because classes seem to be pretty pricey and I'm going to scrimp and save every single penny I can while we're on this break.

4. Mend my broken heart: I want to shed the heaviness that has held me for so long. I have to.

5. Read more: There are tons of books that I want to read, but for some reason I haven't made enough of an effort to get around to them.

That's all I have so far. I may come up with more, during the copious amounts of spare time I'll have. I also already made an appointment with a new RE for the end of January. It's not that I'm already discounting this cycle, I'm just trying to be proactive. In case our new RE wants to run some tests, I don't want to have to wait until we're ready to cycle or close to it. I really want to be prepared.

My tww is going well so far. I'm 6dpiui today, and feeling the same as always. Definitely hopeful though, and praying that we finally get our BFP.

Can't Fight These Feelings

I've had a few inquiries as to how I'm feeling, and whether or not I'm getting any pregnancy related symptoms. The answer unfortunately, is no. I am however feeling a BUTTLOAD of side effects from the Promet.rium. I wasn't originally going to look them up because I was afraid it would only fuel the fire of obsessive speculation, but I had to check it out today because I've been experiencing some weird shit.

Oh, let's start with my favorite:

• Oral and Vaginal dryness - There's likely no need for me to elaborate on this one. It's about as awesome as it sounds.
• Acne - My skin is not exactly fantastic to begin with, so the new monster zits that have showed up on my neck and boobs are just icing on the pockmarked cake.
• Anxiety and insomnia - For a second I though I was loosing my mind. The last 5 or six nights I have slept like absolute shit. I'm totally restless and keeping having ridiculous dreams where I'm worried about things like whether or not Madison from Mill.ion Doll.ar Lis.ting made the right decision in lowering the price of the Malibu house by 600k. Absurd, just absurd.
• Frequent Urination - It's probably because I'm drinking tons water in a futile attempt to quench my severe cotton mouth, but cheeseandcrackers folks! I have to pee ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. And night too! But that doesn't really bother me because it's not like I'm busy sleeping at 2:36am ANY DAMN WAY.
• Heartburn - After Every. Single. Meal. Without Fail.

So there it is. That's everything I'm feeling. Oh and 'the girls' are still quiet. Not the slightest bit of soreness. Which is still fine with me. Sigh. I have no better idea of whether or not it worked this time, than I have the last three times. But there's still hope. At least I have that.

I'm 13dpo.

*****************

Oops I forgot to mention whether I was going to test or not. How about Saturday morning? Yikes.

Yeah, Maybe Not...

Okay Sorry for the suspense. I thankfully, did not get a positive OPK this weekend. The line has actually gotten a little lighter but still significantly present. So weird...

I know a few cycles ago I said I'd stop forecasting what my body was doing, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the slightest twinge! Oh well, I'll be going in for my ultrasound as planned tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm, freaking out that there won't be any changes and that I'll just have one lame-o follicle. But I also had a dream that there were nine, so who knows.


Wow, I'm honored to say I received the Over the Top Award from Jessica, Clare and Katie! Thank you so much ladies! I'm really grateful!

And the Rules are:

Rules1. You Can Only Use One Word (Yeah right...we know that won't happen!)2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers3. Alert them that you have given them this award4. Have Fun!

The Fun:

Where is your cell phone? In my purse

2. Your hair? Shoulder length, and badly in need of a touch up to my highlights

3. Your mother? Complicated

4. Your father? Conservative, Quiet, Supportive

5. Your favorite food? Anything with Carbs

6. Your dream last night? That we got a new dog, and a pet cobra. Very bizarre...

7. Your favorite drink? Club Soda

8. Your dream/goal? To be a Mother

9. What room are you in? Bedroom

10. Your hobby? Cooking and reading

11. Your fear? Remaining Childless

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? At home with our kids

13. Where were you last night? At a RESOLVE meeting

14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant

15. Muffins? Bran

16. Wish list item? To be a mother already

17. Where did you grow up? Not far from where I live now - San Francisco Bay Area

18. Last thing you did? Baked Pumpkin Bread

19. What are you wearing? Jammies

20. Your TV? On. Brian loves the news

21. Your pets? My monkey/dog, Parker

22. Friends? The real ones? Few and dear.

23. Your life? Still in limbo

24. Your mood? Mellow

25. Missing someone? My Uncle Bob

26. Vehicle? GMC, Yukon. It's ovesized but paid for...

27. Something you’re not wearing? A trench coat?

28. Your favorite store? Sur La Table

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? My husband

33. One place that I go to over and over? Our spare bedroom.

34. One person who emails me regularly? Brian, Teresa

35. Favorite place to eat? My Grandma's.

Recipients:

1. The Pitter Patter

2. Will Not Work For Baby

3. Wheresmy2lines

4. There's A Baby at the End of this, Right?

5. No Oven for The Bun

6. Inconceivable

Letrozole, You Sneaky Little Bitch

I know what your thinking.

Isn't she on CD8?

Those OPK test lines seem awfully dark for this point in her cycle.

Jeez, she'll probably get a positive in the morning.

Tomorrow Afternoon at the latest...

But what about the Ovidrel sitting in her fridge? I thought she is supposed to trigger with that later next week...

I KNOW!!!!!!

Dr. RAWKS told me to start testing on Sunday, which would be CD10. But I started to get that pinchy pressure in my abdomen that is oh-so-recognizable at this point in my IF career. So I decided I would test this evening. Just to see where I'm at. And a disturbingly dark line showed up right away. I realize this is not a positive test. And the picture may not do those lines justice, but they are pretty dark, and I seriously expect to go in this weekend for my IUI.

Have any of you who've taken Letrozole/Femara had a similar experience?

This is typically where a slur of gratuitous expletives would be spewing out on to the page with little regard for common decency. But since my last two cycles have been so wonky, I'm actually not as bothered by this as I think I normally would be... The main reason is because my incredibly amazing husband went to pick up and deliver our precious cargo to the clinic today. I initially thought I could do it next week, and then something inside made me press to get it done today. And my Mr. being his AMAZING self, obliged. I know it screwed up his schedule and he was frustrated with the short notice, but he didn't give me a hard time about it, even though I know it really threw a wrench in his day.

Thanks Dear.

I really hope this was your last trip over there.

As always, I'll keep you all posted.

Feels Like The First Time

I can't help but feel hopeful with this next cycle. So many of you have been so encouraging, and telling me about success stories with Letrozole/Femara. I'm feeling as hopeful as I did right before my first cycle. And man I need that right now. I need to feel good about it, and like things really might happen for us soon. I'm not going to worry about jinxing it. I'm not going to worry about getting my hopes up. Because a failure is a failure, and pretending to be aloof during a tww isn't going to make it suck any less if I see another BFN.

Have you ever stopped believing that you'll ever see that second line? That you'll ever be a mother? September was pretty rough for me. From the day after my last IUI, I began planning for this one. Probably even before that. I didn't believe it would work. And I was right.

It felt like another futile attempt. Like I might as well have been trying to get pregnant on my own, with our whopping 1% chance...

How did I get that far away from hope? Sometimes I think it's because I exhaust it all on my first go-round. Or maybe it's because I spend so much time trying to keep it at bay while I focus on the reality of the situation. But not hoping doesn't make a failure hurt any less. So why does it seem so much safer to not get excited?

I hate that this process has made me so guarded. Has made me question my reactions to situations with friends and doctors, because I know my vision is skewed with frustration, and longing.

Well I'm not going to do that this month. I have to do something different. I have to walk away from all that pain and negativity. So here it goes.

I am hopeful.

Home Sweet Home

Well? What do you think?

I personally love it. There are still a few kinks I am trying to work out. Like adding and editing the tabs above. If anyone has any tips for how to do that I would be FOREVER grateful. I looked up this question in the forums, and tried to contact the creator of this template but she hasn't responded yet... Sorry I know this is boring if you've never had to deal with it. So on to the matters at hand...

I'm on my third day of Letrozole, so far not a single side effect to report. I am a little concerned that prolonged use may create cysts and what not. It's actually a little scary for me to be on these meds. I was really hoping that I could get by with natural cycles, but my impatience took over and here I am. I was hoping to create a tab for a break down on my current cycle, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure that out. So here it is:

• I am currently on CD 5, horray AF is almost gone.
• I will be taking Letrozole until CD7 which is Thursday, October 1st.
• On Saturday, October 3rd I will start doing OPK's to make sure I don't ovulate before my ultrasound.
• Tuesday, October 6th I will go in for an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles, hopefully I will have at least two, and no more than three. At that time they will determine when I will need to trigger ovulation. I'll be using Ovidrel for that.
• Then I will go in for my IUI about 36 hours after that. I'm guess October 8th or 9th.
• And after that I will start up on my progesterone, Prometrium suppositories, and count down until my BFP. We won't be doing a beta. I just need to call them WHEN I get a positive test.

God I hope my optimism doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Thanks for coming to my new home!

A Reprieve

Sorry it's taken so long to update. We were at the clinic long enough to have lunch and for me to read up to the part where Clare and Henry go to the Violent Femmes concert in, The Time Travelers Wife. Everybody can take a big deep breath. The ultrasound revealed one ginormous 23mm follicle. On my left side, thank you very much. WHEW! Hey, if you've never considered the actual size of a mature follicle, 25.4 mm is an inch. AN INCH. No fucking wonder I'm so uncomfortable before I ovulate. Man does that give me a new found respect for all you IVF ladies. Not that I didn't have any before, I just have a better frame of reference now. How do you all do it with multiple mature follies on each side?! I have ONE and I can feel it when I walk. Gah!

So, crisis averted. The doctor said my lining was beautiful, at a little over 9mm. He recommended going forward with the back to backs. So I'll go back in tomorrow morning for number IUI two. We had a count of 24 million motile swimmers today. Not too shabby. I called my acu lady Ms. B. She is going to make a special exception tomorrow, and open her office just for moi. That's a relief too!

Thank you all so very much for your comments and support. Sorry I was so dramatic, and that my grammar was so horrendous (with the: I'm like, and you're like, and we're all and I'm all), and that my cursing was so... profuse. But if you've read my blog before, you'd know I'm sort of a truck driver anyway.

Okay. I feel better. Holy moly, I'm exhausted. I had myself pretty wound up there. Oh crap, poor Brian. That must have been a hoot for him. Yay infertility.

A Legacy

I cannot believe it's September. Three months ago I assumed I would be welcoming this month with open arms and a decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte. Instead my heart aches for this summers swift passing. This is the third fall I have welcomed with nothing but failed cycles behind me and the end of another year ticking away like a metronome.

I love Fall. September 1st has always been important to me, something I looked forward to. But it is especially bittersweet now that we're involved in assisted cycles, and still have nothing to show for it. I feel like this year is slipping away and our chance for a 2010 baby is going with it...

Of course I'm still hopeful in the orthodox ways. I wouldn't be doing these IUI's and acupuncture if I didn't think they would work. I just feel like it's getting harder and harder to picture our life with a baby in it. Sometimes because it's just too painful to think about, and other times I'm sort of afraid to jinx it. How sad is that? Am I really at the point where I think day dreaming might actually destroy our chance at conceiving? My superstitions, much like my optimism, have become alarmingly erratic. Oh well.

On to good thoughts. And good things. Good things that spoil my diet.

This is my Grandmother. Every September we get together to bake apple pies. Everyone has a favorite dish cooked by a family member, and in mine, it's Grandma's apple pie. My affinity for her not-so-precise recipe runs so deeply that I won't even order apple pie at restaurants. They just never taste right.

Cooking is a huge part of the connection I share with my family. We usually plan out a menu before we even have an event to prepare it for. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday. My Grandmother is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. She is the epitome of a matriarch. Gracious and kind, but stern when it's called for. Warm, welcoming, and always there when you're in a bind. She's 84 and will totally kick your ass at Croquette. She and my grandfather helped my dad raise my brother and I. We grew up three blocks away and spent every day after school with them until High School. We're with them every holiday, and every special occasion. They have made me into the woman I am today, and this month the family will help them celebrate their 64th wedding anniversary.

Behold, the finished product. How do you make an apple pie pretentious? Monogram it.

Infertility Mix Tape

I call it a "mix tape" instead of a "playlist , 'cause I'm oldschool like that. This is something I have been thinking about doing for a while. If I learned anything from my last cycle it's to KEEP BUSY. So without further adieu, I give you my IF mix tape:


1. Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys

Maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

2. Don't Stop, Fleetwood Mac

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things you've done,
If life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before
Yesterday's gone, Yesterday's gone

3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Brother Israel

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

4. Patience, Guns n' Roses

If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time

5. Message In A Bottle, The Police

A year has passed since I wrote my note
I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

6. Sabotage, Beastie Boys

'Cause what you see you might not get
And we can bet, so you don't get souped yet
Scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm tryin' to tell you now it's sabotage

7. Dreaming With A Broken Heart, John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed, and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe

8. Miracle, Foo Fighters

Everything that we've survived
It's gonna be alright, just lucky we're alive
Got no vision I've been blind
Searching everywhere, you're right there in my sights

9. Down So Long, Jewel

We've been down so long
Oh it can't be longer still
And we've been down so long
Oh the end, must be drawing near

10. Lose Yourself, Eminem

Success is my only mother fucking option, failure's not


I saved number ten for last, because it's awesome, and I'd like to dedicate that one specifically to: Wheresmy2lines, Babyattheend, Itsonlylife, Bottomsoff, Conceivethis, and Willnotworkforbaby.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I don't have a Beta scheduled and I'm not planning to test anytime soon. Well at least, I'm going to try to hold out as long as I can.... I'm 10dpo today.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Twin Peaks

I haven't really been paying attention to any potential symptoms, but there are two that I just cannot ignore. I know I said that "the girls" normally get sore starting the day after I ovulate but they are different this time. To the point where they ache when I reach for something, or sneeze, or WALK. They hurt SO BAD. I can't even sleep on my stomach.

So obviously I still have not tested. I just don't want to see a test until I have a really good reason to think I might see a positive one. But fingers continue to be crossed.

If you have a sore boob story to help build my hope up I'd appreciate it.

***************************

Update

We can add very light spotting to that list now. Just got some slight brownish red when I wiped. Unfortunately I have seen that before a period occasionally...

This is so frustrating. I sort of feel silly for posting this now, because I'm pretty sure I'll be welcoming AF fairly soon...

My Turn

Well my first IUI went great this morning. Brian and I got there about 25 minutes early. That gave me enough time to drag him down to Pier 39, which is within walking distance from the clinic. It was gorgeous out, and the short walk helped take a little of the edge off. It's been pretty hot here lately, which made it especially difficult trying to get to sleep last night, with everything I had on my mind.

The procedure itself, as a many of you may know, was very quick. And to my surprise, cramp free. Dr. Rawks was as personable as ever. He gave us a brief description of the procedure then followed it up by saying, "and then you'll be pregnant, and back here for an ultrasound in no time". I LOVE him. He always says the right things... He gave us a breakdown on the donor's analysis. He was very happy with the counts. I'm holding off on listing them just yet, because I'm questioning whether we really heard him correctly, versus what the paperwork says. I'll explain more later...

I will go back in tomorrow morning for my second one, and my WONDERFUL husband will be joining me. I can't begin to explain the immense connection I felt with him while he held my hand as a laid on that table. He is so incredibly supportive, and I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm sure that in a few days my 2ww will feel all to familiar, but as of today it's a little surreal. I've been sitting on the sidelines for SO LONG that this just doesn't feel like it's real yet. It doesn't feel like it's my turn... But it is. It finally is.

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Update on number two!

I'm thrilled to report that everything went well, again. I had a different Doctor this morning because I requested an early appointment so Dr. Rawks wasn't available. But the other Doc was really nice too. I thought that total counts Dr. Rawks gave me yesterday seemed high, and looking at the paper work, it gave me two sets of numbers. I was just so frazzled with nerves yesterday that I could barely comprehend the numbers at all, let alone ask what exactly they meant. So the vials initially contained 105 Million yesterday, and 110 Million today. But the actual thawed count is much, MUCH lower. Between the two IUI's I have a total count of about 52 Million. Which my Doc today, said was REALLY great. They like to see at least 20 million per cycle for an IUI. So I'm happy overall. My timing was great. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night. Whew!

One cool thing, the doctor today had Brian come around and push the plunger on the catheter while I was in the stirrups. I realize how crazy that sounds, but it was actually kind of neat. She said she wanted him to "really be the one responsible for this pregnancy". It was sweet. On the way home Brian giggled and said something to the effect of being happy to be the one to knock me up after all. We laughed. It was really nice.

I am so, so hopeful right now. It's scary. But nice, to feel so free again.

Positivity

Last cycle I decided that I would use the cheapie OPK's (where you have to pee in a cup) as a fail safe to the CBE digital OPK's that my RE preferred. I have used the cheapies for a long time and felt pretty comfortable with them especially because the test line got progressively darker each test, so I was able to decipher when I would get a positive a day ahead of time. I started with the cheapies on Saturday, and began using the digital in addition, yesterday. This morning both tests were negative, although distinctively darker than yesterday. So as per my regular cycle, I'm thinking that I should get a positive this evening, or tomorrow morning. I really hesitated to use the digital OPK yesterday, they are so darn expensive, and I knew I wouldn't get a positive but I wanted to be a good little infertile and follow the RE's directions. Then I began to realize how silly I was being, beating myself up about wasting money by using the digital tests so early, despite the fact we are spending just under 2k on this cycle and I am pinching my pennies at 24 dollars in digital OPK's which are the deciding factor in scheduling my IUI... Looks like the irrational has showed up in record time. Oh but it gets worse...

So because my tests were dark this morning but still negative, I decide to take a cheapie to work and test again around 10am. So I did. And it's darker than this morning but not quite a positive. So I'm like what if that test was funky and didn't quite fill in? So I go home for lunch. Whip out the CBE digital. POAS. Leave it on the sink, and go heat up some leftovers. Come back a few minutes later to this:

Those little signs indicate an error with the digital portion of the tester. The instructions say that if you get this error you should go buy a new pack and use the unopened applicators with the new tester. Fucker. So I leave the bathroom cursing because I need to go buy more tests when I was already unhappy about using up these ones, only to enter the kitchen to find that my dog has eaten the rest of my lunch and is now halfway through a cube of butter. Fucker! So I put the dog out, curse at him, grab a Club Soda, and head to the store.

I get to the drug store and make my way to the pharmacy where they have the HPT's, lube, and OPK's on a prominent display. Grab the CBE digitals. Head to the pharmacy counter so that I can pay for them there instead waiting in line at the main register area, with all the other yahoo's. The girl at the counter seems mildly put out that I am not in fact picking up a prescription but just need to purchase an overpriced item. So she swipes the box of the counter and tells me that it will be $43.28 please. WHAT?! These fucking tests are DOUBLE what I pay for them on Amazon.com. FUCKER. The girl ringing me up actually speaks pleasantly to me while in my head, I argue with her over the price. I get back to work and wait until I have to pee again. 3:45 ish I head to the ladies room. And there it is. Clear as day, the smiley I 've been waiting for. So I put in a call to my clinic and wait for the IUI nurse to call me back.

At this point a new line of panic sets in, as I wonder if my positive test in the afternoon is going to mess with my timing. My RE's directions were very clear. Test in the morning. Call when you get a positive. I remember distinctly telling my IUI coordinator that I usually get a positive in the afternoon, and she didn't seem to concerned about it. But she IS NOT my RE. So I continue down the path of self sabotage and wonder if my timing is going to be way off. While in the back of my head I tell myself to be positive, and let the doctor determine whether the timing is off or not. UGH.

Anyway, my appointment is at 9:15am tomorrow morning. I will make sure to discuss this scenario with him, just in case there might me a next time, so we can change protocol. So wish me luck kids!!! I can use lots of good thoughts, prayers, juju, crossing of fingers, anything you've got!

If you have an IUI experience you'd like to share, I'd appreciate it!

My Forbidden Addiction

I think we've all been guilty of this from time to time. I'm sure I may have even admonished a few of you for what could be considered abuse. It's impossibly inviting, always available, and tremendously informative. It's Google. I am addicted to Google. Dear God, someone please remove it from my web browser, my iPhone, my home page, IF I SEE IT I'LL USE IT!!!

Today was exciting. And then sad. And then empty, because Brian forbid me to use google for the next few weeks. It was exciting because our "cargo" has been transferred to the clinic, without incident. They gave the count of about 60 Million per vial. But supposedly the thawed count will be lower. I spoke to my IUI coordinator today and she said that they will do a complete analysis before the IUI so that I have numbers to obsess over during my tww. That's where google comes in. It looks like our odds are significantly decreased with unmedicated cycles. We are looking at a 6 - 16% chance this cycle, depending on the final thawed counts. Seeing those numbers makes me want to call the clinic and order more vials, because they say it's four to eight cycles to get pregnant. Right now we have enough for three. Annnnd here comes the sad. It probably won't happen this cycle. I know it's early to seem like I'm losing hope. But I just need to be realistic about it.

I'm still happy that we are moving forward. I guess I just need to keep saying that. WE ARE MOVING FORWARD. Even if it doesn't work this time. We're doing something about it.

Begging and Pleading

CUTE BABY ALERT: If you're not in the place to see a cute baby today, this might not be the post for you.
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Nothing makes my uterus ache like an adorable baby. This is Sawyer. I was fortunate enough to be in the room when Sawyer joined this world. You can read about his introduction here.

His mommy brought him to work today, so here he is hanging out in my lap, at my desk. I was blowing raspberries on his oh-so-edible little feet, when a pang of sheer desperation swept over me. Please God, let this cycle work. I cannot imagine another month knowing that this might not be a part of my near future.

Forget about being hopeful, I am in full blown pleading-with-the-Heaven's mode. Talking to relatives that have passed on, begging them to pull a few strings for me. Anything to just get my foot in the door. I realize that there are a few people ahead of me in line in this blogosphere, but I swear I'll ask a favor for you, if you ask one for me.

Gearing Up

Let the impatience begin. I am seriously counting down the minutes until Friday. Brian will be picking up our vials from the Cryo Bank that morning and delivering them via Nitrogen tank, to our clinic. We are super lucky that we are so close to a facility because shipping can cost anywhere from $200 - $500. We are only about 40 minutes away from the CB and the clinic is another 30 from there. He has an appointment with the CB at 9:30am and a scheduled delivery at 10:30 with our Clinic. I just want to know that our "cargo" is safely in the hands of our clinic, and ready to transfer to me next week.

We don't have a whole lot planned for this weekend, which by the way is my favorite kind of weekend, but I still feel like there is so much do to. Fortunately the bulk of that is pampering myself. Yeay. Late Saturday morning I will be meeting up with a very good childhood friend (Hey Weez!) She is one of the very few people I know IRL that are aware of this blog. We're going to do some serious window shopping and grab some lunch. Then later that afternoon I'm gonna get my hair did. Gotta get those highlights in before my tww. And SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, Brian and I are getting massages! Yahhooooo! I have a few Gift Certificates I was given for my birthday, so I'll be putting those towards 80 minutes of Toxin Releasing, Deep Tissue Massaging goodness. Brian is getting one because he works so very hard, and because he was so very jealous about my appointment. But he'll be getting 65 minutes. Ha.

OH MY GOD I forgot the most important part! I start OPKing Saturday morning! I should see a positive on Monday or Tuesday. So I'll go in for my back to back's as soon as I see that lovely smiley face! Sorry for all the exclamation points! But if you've read more than two of my posts, you'd know that I chronically over punctuate!!!! AND I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I AM SO VERY EXCITED TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!!