I can't help but feel hopeful with this next cycle. So many of you have been so encouraging, and telling me about success stories with Letrozole/Femara. I'm feeling as hopeful as I did right before my first cycle. And man I need that right now. I need to feel good about it, and like things really might happen for us soon. I'm not going to worry about jinxing it. I'm not going to worry about getting my hopes up. Because a failure is a failure, and pretending to be aloof during a tww isn't going to make it suck any less if I see another BFN.
Have you ever stopped believing that you'll ever see that second line? That you'll ever be a mother? September was pretty rough for me. From the day after my last IUI, I began planning for this one. Probably even before that. I didn't believe it would work. And I was right.
It felt like another futile attempt. Like I might as well have been trying to get pregnant on my own, with our whopping 1% chance...
How did I get that far away from hope? Sometimes I think it's because I exhaust it all on my first go-round. Or maybe it's because I spend so much time trying to keep it at bay while I focus on the reality of the situation. But not hoping doesn't make a failure hurt any less. So why does it seem so much safer to not get excited?
I hate that this process has made me so guarded. Has made me question my reactions to situations with friends and doctors, because I know my vision is skewed with frustration, and longing.
Well I'm not going to do that this month. I have to do something different. I have to walk away from all that pain and negativity. So here it goes.
I am hopeful.
4 comments:
I think your feelings are completely normal. I've certainly been through it all just like you describe it. Still today. You lose hope, you gain hope, you know this will be it then you don't. You're happy, you're sad. I think the most important thing to bear in mind is that you're still fighting and that means that deep down inside you always have hope, it's what drives you to pick yourself up and try again, make a new plan.
I'm so happy that you're hopeful for this cycle. I think positive energy makes the body more receptive. I'll be cheering for you all through this new cycle.
Oh, and I like your new blog a lot.
Nice new blog and I totally understand your reasons to change. As you know my real name is not Dee and I have no reference at all to my name or life on my blog. Its the way I like it and esp when you go into donor you want to protect yourself and your little one/s. All the very best for this next cycle, you are so brave. And yes, everyday I sway between giving it all up and just charging on. But as you know we have a POA now which means we are charging on and sometimes I wonder what the hell Im doing it all again for :)
"But not hoping doesn't make a failure hurt any less. So why does it seem so much safer to not get excited?"
I know exactly what you mean. I ask myself this same question every month. I wish I knew the answer. And I commend you for starting over with brand new hope. I'm not so good at that, but still trying.
Thank you for your kind comments on my blog :)
I just found your blog off another blogger's site. We've been trying for just over a year and have officially started the IF journey. It's such a roller coaster of emotions and I can definitely relate about not getting your hopes up. Why do we lie to ourselves? We know we're still going to be disappointed if it doesn't happen. Praying that we'll both get an extra scoop of hope!
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