Eight Months

Dearest Leah,

You are now eight whole months and I can hardly believe it! This past month has been really great, and it feels like you are really starting to turn into a little person.

We’ll start with my favorite thing – food! You are no long suspicious of sweet potatoes, but instead happily grab at the pieces in front of you. Sweet Potatoes are your favorite, but you also love Avocado. The other foods you eat regularly are carrots, pears, and a small amount of banana. You recently tried zucchini and loved it but you got a little rash on your face and neck, so we may have to hold off on that and revisit later. I’m not entirely sure that is was from the zucchini, but it went away after the first day that I stopped feeding it to you so… I've been lagging a little bit on introducing new things but I have put a list together and next few things to try are: Rice Pasta, Oatmeal, tofu, (smashed) blueberries and green beans!

Your newest mode of transportation is rolling. You roll EVERYWHERE, and it’s quite adorable. And startling when I leave the room for a millisecond and don’t immediately see your little body wiggling upon my return. But you are more often than not under the ottoman, pounding your little fists on the padded siding.

As promised we got you into a swim class, and while I can’t say that you love it, you seem to tolerate it. You splash about, and do well with submersions, and haven’t shed a tiny tear once! Every exercise is focused around a song, and I think you really enjoy all of the singing. The other fun reward is that it leaves you EXHAUSTED. I have just enough time to get you home changed and fed before you fall completely apart, then you sleep for two and a half hours straight. Which means Momma gets to catch up on horrible television shows chores, and preparing dinner! 

You continue to grow and thrive and your Dad and I could not possibly be more grateful to witness it. Your smiling face makes my heart sing and fall more and more in love with you each day.

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love,

Momma

Look Away, I'm Hideous

I know my last post on the status of my feelings about my MIL was all jokey, jokey (hence the title, which by the way was directed at Leah. Like marking my territory), but I have really been struggling with my feelings. There is very little I would compare to the tragedy and heartache of infertility, but I see a likeness in my emotions in this particular situation. Resentment. I think I’m a little bitter about the time that I am away from Leah (which I know is miniscule compared to others).  Feeling bad about feeling bad. Frustration that even though I know my feelings are not fair per se, I can’t seem to help myself. The other part is feeling over protective, and helpless when Leah is not in my presence.  I wanted to say when Leah is not under my control, but it sounded a little too Mommy Dearest, and I am quite certain that she already has enough ammo to use this blog against me.

I pay very close attention to my unreasonableness in regards to my MIL. It weighs on me heavily. It makes me feel like a bad person. Especially because I know how much joy she gets from the time she is with Leah. And I love that. I want her to love the time she spends with her; I wouldn’t have it any other way. But when she says things like “ I know this time is special because you are a new mom, but it’s nothing compared to being a grandmother.” Sounds relatively harmless I'm sure, but try taking it from the perspective of a new mom who struggled for years to become one, and whom is currently waging an internal battle of the ‘does not play well with others’ variety. And by “others”, I only mean my MIL. Keep in mind, after years of trying not to fall apart in public during many a pregnancy announcement; I’ve evolved into a pretty decent actress. So I’m sure my MIL has no idea about the way I’m feeling. And I don’t feel like telling her would help. I did at one point try. I explained that even though it was exciting for her, it was really, REALLY hard for me to be away from Leah. But I think her eyes had already glazed over with Grandma time.

So I’m going to continue to try to sort things out here. I’ll finish this post by illegitimately bitching about the fact that my MIL has had some sort of errand to run every single day since she got the carseat base. I viewed it more as an  "in case" basis. And I know it shouldn’t be a big deal that she is proudly and happily bouncing around town with Leah in the back of her Durango. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I KNOW. But all I can think is how I would never forgive her if something (God forbid) happened. And also, she is MINE. Two more examples of why I’m an asshole. Good times. 

Headline: Lazy Whore Needs Meal Planning Tips

I love cooking. But while I was pregnant I was completely appalled by most foods with the exception of plain (I'm talking straight out of the colander - still draining in the sink) pasta and half gallon tubs of organic lemon yogurt. I lost my passion for food. By the time I got my appetite back I was too pregnant to cook anything exotic or time consuming. Then I had a newborn and used my spare time to shower and not smell/dress like a hobo. 

So now that things are becoming a little more routine with Leah, I want to start a menu plan. Cooking a few things on Sunday that can be rewarmed or thrown together on a different night during the week. Particularly for the days that I have to work. I've looked at a few 30 minute meal plans, but I'm just feeling uninspired. 

The other problem aside from being a lazy whore, is that I'm fat. And need to get my shit back into shape. I bought running shoes on an insomnia driven whim like 10 days ago (#ImmaAmazonJunkie) and have yet to so much as try them on. I bought new sports bras too. No more excuses! Actually I can think of several. 

I know that I need to lose weight. I have done it before and know the in's and outs of it well. I know that a better menu and more exercise will make all the difference, give me more energy to plan menu's and not groan every time I have to get up from picking up Leah off the floor, blah blah blah. If only it didn't require so much effort.

Any chance you'd be willing to share your tips with someone who is too lazy to construct of plan of her own? Recipes are welcome!

You're da Best! 

Maybe I Should Just Pee On Her And Get It Over With...

If you have been reading this blog for any concentrated amount of time, you will know that I am terrible about following up with "catastrophe's" that I post about. So here I am to relieve you from your debilitating state of suspense or otherwise baited breath.

My Mama-Bear issues are still omnipresent. (Unbelievable! Said No One.) I did however, go see my therapist about it. The good news? All of my feelings are "Completely Normal!". She praised me for being able to acknowledge the fact that my feelings, though reasonable, "were not exactly rational or fair". But I FEEL as though the blister on my left nipple would know the difference. Still we talked a lot about what my goals are for achieving harmony, and the fact that my feelings probably won't be going anywhere fast. This is not something that can necessarily be solved, but more like feelings that will fade when I'm dead in time. What's important is taking time to think about how I will approach her regarding any given matter and keeping in mind my mama bear mentality before I react.  Like when she asked me for the extra base for the carseat so she could "Go show her friends". Fortunately this conversation took place over the phone so she could not see the raging hellfire blazing from my corneas. I realize it's not as though she asked to take Leah away for the weekend to go to Disneyland for the first time, and I cordially obliged after privately fuming about it. But I will admit I was a little edgy all day just thinking about it. And last week when my neighbor told me the entire block can hear Leah screaming on the days I am at work, I did not immediately tender my resignation or change our locks. Mostly because I was pretty much already aware that this was happening because my normally very chatty MIL is always sitting on the front porch with a red eyed, pink cheeked from wailing, but ultimately exasperated and just sniffling Leah, ready to hand her over and get the hell out of there the moment my car pulls in the driveway... I know there is absolutely nothing malicious or unsafe going on, I just think my MIL is not great about identifying sleep signals and then Leah gets over tired and turns into a raving lunatic. Understandably so.

I'm also pretty darn proud of myself for keeping my cool when my MIL asked if they could get Leah's first Halloween Costume. Supposedly my FIL's idea. P'sha Right. I calmly smiled and said "I'm sorry, no. That's really sweet, and I think it's adorable that "he's" so excited, but the first Halloween Costume is a biggie". And then I refrained from explaining that she should pretty much forget about asking for any "firsts". Not in a Mamabear way - but in a "that's our long awaited not to mention FIRST and possibly only child, and that pretty much guarantees us any and every firsts. Foreverandeveramen."

Which prompts me to think about the holidays. You may remember my rant about my MIL giving Leah her first Easter Basket. Well, my main concern now is the Christmas stocking my MIL has already made for her. (Another first that she unintentionally hijacked.) Brian and I are on the same page as far as Leah not getting two Stockings. The first reason being BECAUSE SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER. WE are Santa, not grammie and poppop. Number two, and what I'm going to tell people is the first reason most importantly, we don't want Leah to have a lot of stuff. I kept wondering how we could possibly bring that up without making it sound like we were inferring that she would only buy crap. Fortunately she kind of beat me to the punch and inadvertently gave me a great reason. She mentioned something along the lines of wanting to give Leah a gift towards her college fund. BINGO. Another completely valid reason is that they really can't afford it. Well, they shouldn't afford it. Leah will be well taken care of in the present department. Being that she is the only grandchild, niece and baby period on both sides of the family. (We're the oldest.)

So there you have it. While I lack the ability to be a fundamentally good person, I at least have the knowledge and good sense to keep my mouth shut about it to the people it effects. And only over-share my feelings with complete strangers. You're welcome!

Shaking My Fists At The Universe...

Please head over to Egghunt's blog. She just got a tremendous bitchslap from infertility.

They were headed out here to the US in two weeks for their donor cycle and just found out their donor got pregnant, WHILE on birth control, with her FOURTH child.

Son of a bitch....

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Going To Die

Falling down the stairs
Getting T-Boned in an intersection
An undetected aneurism
A random shooting
Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

Never in my life have I thought so much about death, than since I the day I came home with Leah. And never in my life have I been so absolutely terrified of it. 

I know this must sound insane, but I think about it more often than I care to admit. It's not like I lay in bed fretting over it, but it involuntarily pops into my head mid action of me taking the laundry down to the garage : "what if I tripped and fell down the stairs and broke my neck right now"... audible gasp and chills immediately follow. 

I can't even think about the possibility of leaving Brian and Leah. She would grow up watching Moonshiners and Pawn Stars and thinking it's normal.