I know my last post on the status of my feelings about my
MIL was all jokey, jokey (hence the title, which by the way was directed at
Leah. Like marking my territory), but I have really been struggling with my
feelings. There is very little I would compare to the tragedy and heartache of
infertility, but I see a likeness in my emotions in this particular situation. Resentment.
I think I’m a little bitter about the time that I am away from Leah (which I
know is miniscule compared to others). Feeling bad about feeling bad. Frustration
that even though I know my feelings are not fair per se, I can’t seem to help myself.
The other part is feeling over protective, and helpless when Leah is not in my
presence. I wanted to say when Leah is
not under my control, but it sounded a little too Mommy Dearest, and I am quite
certain that she already has enough ammo to use this blog against me.
I pay very close attention to my unreasonableness in regards
to my MIL. It weighs on me heavily. It makes me feel like a bad person.
Especially because I know how much joy she gets from the time she is with Leah.
And I love that. I want her to love the time she spends with her; I wouldn’t
have it any other way. But when she says things like “ I know this time is
special because you are a new mom, but it’s nothing compared to being a
grandmother.” Sounds relatively harmless I'm sure, but try taking it from the
perspective of a new mom who struggled for years to become one, and whom is
currently waging an internal battle of the ‘does not play well with others’
variety. And by “others”, I only mean my MIL. Keep in mind, after years of
trying not to fall apart in public during many a pregnancy announcement; I’ve
evolved into a pretty decent actress. So I’m sure my MIL has no idea about the way I’m
feeling. And I don’t feel like telling her would help. I did at one point try. I
explained that even though it was exciting for her, it was really, REALLY hard
for me to be away from Leah. But I think her eyes had already glazed over with
Grandma time.
So I’m going to continue to try to sort things out here. I’ll
finish this post by illegitimately bitching about the fact that my MIL has had
some sort of errand to run every single day since she got the carseat base. I viewed it more as an "in case" basis. And I
know it shouldn’t be a big deal that she is proudly and happily bouncing around
town with Leah in the back of her Durango. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.
I know. I KNOW. But all I can think is how I would never forgive her if
something (God forbid) happened. And also, she is MINE. Two more examples of
why I’m an asshole. Good times.
9 comments:
OMG, I know we have already had this conversation MULTIPLE times, but I SO GET WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM!!!
Although there are times when it would be nice if my in-laws lived close enough to watch Carder while we went on a date (and then drove their sorry asses back home instead of downstairs to our basement for the night and then back upstairs to rain on my parade the entire next day as payment for "sitting" him for a couple of hours...But wait - this comment was about you...let me get back on point.) I am so thankful that Carder has grandparents to love him, but if they lived close enough to watch him while I was at work? I don't know if there would be enough wine in Sonoma county to get me drunk enough to forget about the resentment I would feel.
Such a Catch 22. Sigh...
We had a situation where D's sister was going to possibly be adopting a baby and I felt this huge relief (as in perhaps she will spread her time between the kids and not smother me anymore) but that has fallen through and I think I need a glass, no bottle, now wait, barrel of wine...
Hang in there. Love to you all.
You are not an a-hole. I get where you are coming from.
I think being able to write here is so good for you because it gives you a place to park your feelings, so that you are able to let go in real life.
My MIL feelings aren't quite as extreme as yours but I GET IT. We've recently come to some tensions regarding our choice to do baby-led weaning. She is so overprotective of MY baby that it puts me on the defensive/possessive. Hubbs plans to lay it out there for her soon; either back off or be cut off. He's ruthless that way (thank God!).
Please don't feel bad about your feelings and especially for talking about them here! This is why you have this space! I just spent a weekend with my MIL, and I rarely see her otherwise, and I had those feelings pop up - a lot. Thinking of you as you work through this stuff...
Ugh, it's so hard to be feeling like this. My MIL takes Stella on outings every time she watches her now (we gave her the extra base as well b/c my husband was never using it). At first it pissed me off that she didn't clear trips with me first every time... but honestly, it's getting easier now. Just letting you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It still catches me off guard sometimes when people say "I saw your baby yesterday!" and I'm like WTF? But... My MIL loves her and drives more carefully than I do I suppose. Hang in there... it will get better.
-- ps, it took me SIX TRIES to get this damn catchpa. PRETTY PLEASE take your catchpas off!! If you don't allow anon comments, you shouldn't have a problem with spam. I never did, and honestly, I don't comment half the time on blogs where you have to do the damn comment moderation b/c it's super hard from my phone!
Gah, thanks Josey! I'm not sure I even realized the Captcha was on!
I hate them too, lol!
First of all, love the title--any homage to Seinfeld is aok with me :)
You're not hideous, but let me bring up something that has helped me a bit (though I definitely do not struggle with this--I don't resent my nanny one bit, I'm actually secretly in love with her, ha, because she takes such excellent care of my kiddos for me three days per week)...you know we struggled a long time. Five failed IVFs. And during that time I sometimes became very egocentric, seeing only how hard the whole process was on ME, and hardly able to see that my mother and father were hurting--they desperately wanted to love on grandchildren--my sister was hurting--she wanted to be an aunt--and they were all hurting because I was hurting. And now that I'm a parent they want to be part of the joy and celebration. So while we struggled to be parents they struggled WITH us, and part of my sadness was not being able to see them as grandparents and aunts and uncles and now I can, and it makes me super happy.
It's all a process, and the good news is you are working on it. What I would hate to see is any of these negative emotions crowd out these happy days for you--there just isn't enough time for that, no?
Good luck!
My heart goes out to you, Melissa. It sounds very difficult to sort through the emotions that you are feeling. I think people have made smart comments that everyone involved in Leah's life is just so excited that she is here and wants to spend time with her. That being said, it is important to carefully, sensitively negotiate appropriate boundaries. It seems like such a fine line of being appreciative of the help and involvement, but to also make space for you and Brian to be Leah's parents--let you guys be your own family. You are doing a great job to be reflective and take other people's perspectives into consideration. Be careful that it does not get abused into manipulation if you are worried if that could be the direction it is taking. But, it seems you may be experiencing a loss in that you really want to be there full time for Leah and that is really tough--especially when many of our parents had that as an option and people of our generation do not because we are in a terrible economic period. I think people do not realize how tough it is to see what our parents had and not be able to have the same thing--an era when the option of staying at home with the kids was easier.
It's so tough to deal with parents and parent-in-laws after becoming a parent. At least that what my therapist tells me. Apparently it's normal for all the "mommy" issues to surface. Hang in there.
Post a Comment