Happy Holidays! No One Cares What You Think.

TIffany-Amber Thiessen(!) I've been meaning to post something here! But I have been all sorts of busy being an asshole, and ruining peoples lives. Evidently. And also drafting brilliant posts in my head, but never quite making it to my laptop. 

So the asshole thing, let me elaborate...

I have a secret talent.  Well maybe it's only a secret if you've never actually met me. Which is most of you.  So here it is; I have the ability to make my good intentions make me look like an asshole. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with this, but I'll bet you guessed it probably has something to do with my inlaws. And you'd be right!

I basically asked her and the family to only buy one gift for Leah's Birthday and Christmas combined. (Her birthday is three days before Christmas) Because she is tiny and doesn't need much, and we don't have a big house to store tons of crap and I didn't want people going bananas. Oh, and also there are at least thirteen, 13 I SAY, immediate family members buying for her this year. Not including Brian and I.

But apparently that makes me a controlling asshole.

Because of the push-back I got, I ended up consulting a few veteran Mommy friends. They both completely understood my position, had attempted to set similar ground rules themselves at some point, but ultimately realized it wasn't worth the headache of trying to manage other peoples gift giving. 

As one of them put it: "Smile and nod, then Return, Re-gift, or Donate."

So I conceded. Reluctantly.

But you can fully expect an 'I Told You So' Post on December 26th, by the way. Complete with photographic evidence. 

My final thought is this: I can completely understand the excitement from family wanting to buy gifts for the new baby. But was I wrong to presume a little more respect for my request as her parent? I didn't tell anyone what to buy, just requested that it only be one item... 

Look Away, I'm Hideous

I know my last post on the status of my feelings about my MIL was all jokey, jokey (hence the title, which by the way was directed at Leah. Like marking my territory), but I have really been struggling with my feelings. There is very little I would compare to the tragedy and heartache of infertility, but I see a likeness in my emotions in this particular situation. Resentment. I think I’m a little bitter about the time that I am away from Leah (which I know is miniscule compared to others).  Feeling bad about feeling bad. Frustration that even though I know my feelings are not fair per se, I can’t seem to help myself. The other part is feeling over protective, and helpless when Leah is not in my presence.  I wanted to say when Leah is not under my control, but it sounded a little too Mommy Dearest, and I am quite certain that she already has enough ammo to use this blog against me.

I pay very close attention to my unreasonableness in regards to my MIL. It weighs on me heavily. It makes me feel like a bad person. Especially because I know how much joy she gets from the time she is with Leah. And I love that. I want her to love the time she spends with her; I wouldn’t have it any other way. But when she says things like “ I know this time is special because you are a new mom, but it’s nothing compared to being a grandmother.” Sounds relatively harmless I'm sure, but try taking it from the perspective of a new mom who struggled for years to become one, and whom is currently waging an internal battle of the ‘does not play well with others’ variety. And by “others”, I only mean my MIL. Keep in mind, after years of trying not to fall apart in public during many a pregnancy announcement; I’ve evolved into a pretty decent actress. So I’m sure my MIL has no idea about the way I’m feeling. And I don’t feel like telling her would help. I did at one point try. I explained that even though it was exciting for her, it was really, REALLY hard for me to be away from Leah. But I think her eyes had already glazed over with Grandma time.

So I’m going to continue to try to sort things out here. I’ll finish this post by illegitimately bitching about the fact that my MIL has had some sort of errand to run every single day since she got the carseat base. I viewed it more as an  "in case" basis. And I know it shouldn’t be a big deal that she is proudly and happily bouncing around town with Leah in the back of her Durango. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I KNOW. But all I can think is how I would never forgive her if something (God forbid) happened. And also, she is MINE. Two more examples of why I’m an asshole. Good times. 

Maybe I Should Just Pee On Her And Get It Over With...

If you have been reading this blog for any concentrated amount of time, you will know that I am terrible about following up with "catastrophe's" that I post about. So here I am to relieve you from your debilitating state of suspense or otherwise baited breath.

My Mama-Bear issues are still omnipresent. (Unbelievable! Said No One.) I did however, go see my therapist about it. The good news? All of my feelings are "Completely Normal!". She praised me for being able to acknowledge the fact that my feelings, though reasonable, "were not exactly rational or fair". But I FEEL as though the blister on my left nipple would know the difference. Still we talked a lot about what my goals are for achieving harmony, and the fact that my feelings probably won't be going anywhere fast. This is not something that can necessarily be solved, but more like feelings that will fade when I'm dead in time. What's important is taking time to think about how I will approach her regarding any given matter and keeping in mind my mama bear mentality before I react.  Like when she asked me for the extra base for the carseat so she could "Go show her friends". Fortunately this conversation took place over the phone so she could not see the raging hellfire blazing from my corneas. I realize it's not as though she asked to take Leah away for the weekend to go to Disneyland for the first time, and I cordially obliged after privately fuming about it. But I will admit I was a little edgy all day just thinking about it. And last week when my neighbor told me the entire block can hear Leah screaming on the days I am at work, I did not immediately tender my resignation or change our locks. Mostly because I was pretty much already aware that this was happening because my normally very chatty MIL is always sitting on the front porch with a red eyed, pink cheeked from wailing, but ultimately exasperated and just sniffling Leah, ready to hand her over and get the hell out of there the moment my car pulls in the driveway... I know there is absolutely nothing malicious or unsafe going on, I just think my MIL is not great about identifying sleep signals and then Leah gets over tired and turns into a raving lunatic. Understandably so.

I'm also pretty darn proud of myself for keeping my cool when my MIL asked if they could get Leah's first Halloween Costume. Supposedly my FIL's idea. P'sha Right. I calmly smiled and said "I'm sorry, no. That's really sweet, and I think it's adorable that "he's" so excited, but the first Halloween Costume is a biggie". And then I refrained from explaining that she should pretty much forget about asking for any "firsts". Not in a Mamabear way - but in a "that's our long awaited not to mention FIRST and possibly only child, and that pretty much guarantees us any and every firsts. Foreverandeveramen."

Which prompts me to think about the holidays. You may remember my rant about my MIL giving Leah her first Easter Basket. Well, my main concern now is the Christmas stocking my MIL has already made for her. (Another first that she unintentionally hijacked.) Brian and I are on the same page as far as Leah not getting two Stockings. The first reason being BECAUSE SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER. WE are Santa, not grammie and poppop. Number two, and what I'm going to tell people is the first reason most importantly, we don't want Leah to have a lot of stuff. I kept wondering how we could possibly bring that up without making it sound like we were inferring that she would only buy crap. Fortunately she kind of beat me to the punch and inadvertently gave me a great reason. She mentioned something along the lines of wanting to give Leah a gift towards her college fund. BINGO. Another completely valid reason is that they really can't afford it. Well, they shouldn't afford it. Leah will be well taken care of in the present department. Being that she is the only grandchild, niece and baby period on both sides of the family. (We're the oldest.)

So there you have it. While I lack the ability to be a fundamentally good person, I at least have the knowledge and good sense to keep my mouth shut about it to the people it effects. And only over-share my feelings with complete strangers. You're welcome!

Primalizafied

Yes, I’m making up words now. Call it too much spare time (ha!), call it too little education. But I like it. And it’s my laymen's term for keeping things simple and following the Back to Basics mentality when it comes to parenting.  I like to think of how animals raise their babies. Ape's don't drop off their kids with grandma, or use the Ferber method... Yes, I understand there is a distinction. I walk upright, can drive a car, and have never, ever, thrown my poop. 

(i feel the need to point out that I'm not judging anyone, just making a funny)

I have to say Motherhood has surprised me in so many ways. I’m not saying I deserve an award or anything or have really even been challenged yet, but I’m rather delighted by how naturally taking care of Leah has come to me. Not always easy to do, but the inclination has come fairly effortlessly. It is however occasionally sidelined by the knowledge of urban myths, horror stories, and the basic yet all too real irrational fear of accidentally killing my child. I’m also very surprised by how “granola” my outlook and preference is in regards to taking care of and providing for her. I suppose you could file me under Attachment Parenting, but I hate to commit to or lump myself in to any one singular belief. Before having Leah, when I thought about what kind of parent I would be, I imagined mostly outlines of integrating her into our family, rather than changing our way of life to accommodate her. It’s not that I didn’t think having a baby wouldn't change things, and maybe it was just the naiveté of a first time expectant parent, but I really thought I would want to implement a much more rigorous schedule that would make her adapt to our lifestyle . But now that she’s here, call it the “you never know until you’re in those shoes” effect; but in my head, conforming our lives around her needs makes more sense than attempting to teach an infant to live like an adult. Now I will say, I think we’ve been blessed with a very easy baby. But so far working around her demands has gone pretty well. I don’t let her cry much. Most of her fussiness stems from being overtired and I make every attempt to soothe her while she’s upset. I carry her around a lot, that’s not to say she doesn’t get plenty of floor and tummy time while I watch her from the kitchen or fold laundry on the couch. And when in public I’m almost always wearing her. (LOVING the moby wrap, btw) Will this backfire on me someday? Maybe. But right now she’s a pretty happy baby, which makes for a very happy momma and daddy. I look at this method as a lifestyle choice. I didn’t choose to have a baby so I could keep living the same existence, I wanted something different. So it’s not a sacrifice for me; it’s a way of life.

As far as my plans for sleep training goes, I am remarkably grateful to say she started sleeping through the night on her own before I could get halfway through the No Cry Sleep Solution book I bought. I take no credit for this, and instead give it all to her thumb. Because during the week when she discovered it, she instantly learned how to self soothe. So because of her thumb I am sleeping through the night along with her. With the exception of getting up around 1am to change her. I am working to teach her to learn how to fall asleep by herself, but I don’t let her cry in the process. I rock her and shush her to the point where she is almost asleep, and then I set her down in her crib, eyes mostly open, and leave the room. About 65% of the time she will roll over and go to sleep. I know this because we have a video monitor. Other times she flips around and sometimes talks herself to sleep. But I leave her be unless she starts to cry. Then I go in and start the process over. Will this bite me in the ass someday? Maybe.

I sleep with her stuff. Her blankets, her clothes. This probably sounds nuts, let me explain. She has two main swaddling blankets. Yes, I still swaddle, but I leave one arm out. I sleep with whichever one she is not using, that way she can always smell me. And the night before the days that I work, I tuck whatever outfit she is going to wear between my nighttime nursing bra and my nightgown, so she can smell me all day, not just at nap time. Weird maybe, but harmless.

She's on the verge of six months and we all know what that means: Solid foods. While I am generally ecstatic to witness each milestone, this one makes me a bit sad. Because I won't be exclusively breastfeeding anymore. I'm thankful to say breastfeeding has gone very well for me, us. And I have loved every minute of it. It's our special quite time together. And it's a fabulous excuse to leave the room when I'm over the company that's in my house. For some reason she nurses just a bit longer then... I do plan to BF for a while longer. Probably into the range of what they consider Extended Breast Feeding. The AAP recommends supplemental BF'ing up to 24 months. I'm not saying I'll be the one whipping out my girls at the park for a snacky-snack. I honestly see it as more of a morning and bedtime routine when she's that old. But who knows, she may not want it that long, or my body may not cooperate to that extent. We'll just have to see. The moral of the story is, this is one more step towards her not breastfeeding anymore, and I'm sad to think of it ending.

I guess my reason for this post is to justify what floats around in my silly little brain and to silently address the people who think it's their right to critique my method of parenting. Who I won't even bother to respond to, who have much older or grown children who say; "Go out, you need a break!" Actually, I don't. I like this job. This is what I signed up for. This is my new life. And I don't want to miss a single second of it. 

Hang On A Sec

I feel the need to clarify my intentions and a few things about my last post. 

Apparently I came off like a controlling ogre who doesn't wanna share. 

I have an amazing relationship with my grandparents, and fantastic memories of holidays with them. And I want more than anything for Leah to have that. Particularly with Brian's parents because I doubt she'll be getting it from my side.

This isn't about cutting Brian's parents out of Leah's life. This is about reigning in a Mother-in-law who clearly sees raising her two sons as the best time of her life, and is ready for round three. And probably day dreams regularly about taking full custody of Leah. (I'm only half kidding)
But it's all out of love and I know that.

My in-laws live three blocks away. They are and will continue to be a HUGE part of ours and Leah's life. And not just because of proximity and the fact that they are my husbands parents, but because I love them and genuinely care for them and want them in my life. But I feel the need to set some boundaries so that my Mother-in-law understands this is her time to OBSERVE and NOT DO. She gets to be a part of and witness this beautiful little girl growing up, this isn't a do-over for her. Grandparents - not Parents

I hope that make sense. 

And if it doesn't, this is my blog and you can suck it. :D

(And one more thing to help make my point of view clear. If you have ever watched Bethanny Ever After, and seen the dynamics between her and Jason's family, you'd understand more of where I am coming from. Brian had the nuclear family and I had, well, kind of a mess...)

A New Holiday Regime?

All of this Easter drama has me thinking about the roles parents play and where holiday traditions with our parents merge with the new ones we hope to start with our little family. And how we're going to handle the holidays to come. 

Going forward, I don't really think Leah needs two Easter Baskets. 

If Brian's parents get her one, does that mean my dad should get her one too? 

She definitely doesn't need three Easter Baskets 
(or four if you count my "Around at her Convenience" mother) 

So now the question goes one step further, what about Christmas Stockings? 

I didn't get an Easter Basket or a Christmas Stocking from either of my Grandparents... 

And as far as I know, Santa only delivers your presents to the house you live in. 

Not Grammy and Pop-pop's. 

There are some tricky parts to this situation. 

Right now, we do stockings for the grownups on both sides of our family. 

Brian's folks do one for us, and my dad does one for us. And we do theirs.

Here's my argument against it from now on.

Number 1 - Neither of our parents need to be spending an extra $20-30 dollars on a Stocking at Christmas. If you count Brian and I and Leah, that's a pretty penny. And we don't need to blow money on scratcher lottery tickets and tiny bottles of booze for them either...

Number 2 - I don't want Leah to have lots of STUFF. A fair amount of toys and books, yes. But not to an excess. It's the principle behind it. She is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. She's already going to clean up for her Birthday and Christmas. I don't want her to get spoiled or think that this type of exorbitance is the norm.


Number 3 - Finally, I feel like this is our time. To be Santa and the Easter Bunny. Just Brian and I. They've had their time... 

 I haven't brought this up to Brian yet, and if he agrees with me, this is going to be a very VERY difficult conversation to have with my my in-laws. Especially because my Mother-in-Law already made a stocking for Leah. And my Grandmother-inlaw made one for Leah for here at the house... But what if I want to do my own little thing for Leah? Why should I be obligated to use these items? I feel like it's my turn to start new traditions. 
I want a set of stockings for the three of us that match, and are our style... 
So what now? 

So I ask all of you. Did you get Easter Baskets and Stockings from your Grandparents?

Easter Misgivings, and the Land of Firsts

Easter was never a huge deal in my family. Mostly, I suppose, because we're not remotely religious. Did we get together? Of course. Was the day heavy with food and drink? You betcha. My Dad used to give us Easter Bags. It was a crumpled brown paper bag filled with that cheesy plastic grass and an obscene amount of candy. I never cared that my Easter gift wasn't a pretty wooden basket lined with ribbon and lace. Because an Easter Bag was more of my dad's style. It was quirky and endearing. And he always included our favorite candy. It was thoughtful.


A few weeks ago my Mother-in-law and I were at a craft store picking out yarn for a blanket I'd asked her to make for Leah. The store was plastered with Easter decorations and baskets and bunnies. "Awwwwww, next year I'll get to make her an Easter Baskehhht!" I said, thinking of how Brian and I are now the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. As Easter got closer I started to get more excited as I heard about my friends with older kids and all the plans they had. Dying eggs, filling baskets, hiding eggs and other goodies. I can't wait to dye eggs with her. But I'm a realist. My daughter is three and a half months old. So I didn't think an Easter basket would be necessary or appropriate this year. Not that I think it's dumb, it's just that it didn't make sense for me to run out and spend 20 bucks on a basket that really would have been for me. Not her... Still I smiled as I thought about next year and how she'll be able to hold it and walk with the basket that I made her.


So when we got to my in laws Sunday morning for brunch I felt a pang of anger when I saw an Easter Basket with Leah's name sitting on the fire place. Her first Easter Basket. I've made several comments to my mother-in-law that any firsts need to be run by us before they do anything. I assumed that they might do a little something, like a card and a stuffed animal or even a symbolic chocolate bunny. But no, it was a full fledged monogrammed basket with plastic grass and eggs filled with money and bibs and a hat. Now I get that my mother-in-law was excited about her grandbaby's first Easter. But she's gotten her firsts with her two sons. This is our time, with our daughter, and I'm so frustrated that she wouldn't have thought to ask us what our plans were. I spoke to her about it this morning. I thanked her for the gifts and her thoughtfulness, but explained how I wished she had talked to us first about it. And gently reiterated that ANY FIRSTS need to be approved by Brian and I. She started crying, because that's how she is. My intentions were not to hurt her feelings, but to set a clear boundary. And just as my intentions were pure, I know her's are as well. And that in a way, she's like a little puppydog who gets very excited and doesn't see the puddle of pee she's left on the floor.


Am I being a little hypersensitive? Probably. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable as long as I am honest about my expectations. I also have to ask myself if this would be as big a deal if I wasn't having so many territorial feelings. Maybe, maybe not. I think it really has a lot to do with how your perspective changes when you become a parent. And how much your own experiences influence the feelings you have towards the situations your child will encounter. Never in my life have the things my childhood lacked been more evident, than now as I think of everything I want to give my daughter. I don't blame anyone for what I didn't have. I was raised by a single parent, and my dad did the very best he could. I just have a very clear picture of what I want and don't want for her, and for the three of us as a family. I also think my having to go back to work against my preference plays a part. I'm happy and grateful that my mother-in-law is not only willing and able to watch Leah, but is also ecstatic about doing so. And I think if I didn't have to work and be away from Leah, I'd be more than happy and open to leaving her with my mother-in-law for a few hours a week. But that's just not case and all of this is harder than I thought it would be.

So I guess from now on I'm just going to be a lot more honest with my mother-in-law rather than reserved, as I have been.