But Can It Be Done?

Brian and I have always talked about the possibility of me being a stay at home mom. We were never quite sure we could afford it, and Health Insurance in particular was always a concern. Before Brian became a small business owner in the summer of 2009, he typically worked for smaller establishments, where as I worked for more substantial companies who offered Health Benefits for the two of us. So last year when we took a leap of faith and plunged head first into significant debt for our IVF cycle, we acknowledged that would make me staying at home even less of a possibility. I understood it then, but I think I was partially in denial about how difficult it would actually be for me emotionally. And once I had our baby girl in my arms it became crystal-fucking-clear how much staying at home with her meant. 

Back in March when we knew my return to work was imminent and I was having daily meltdowns and constant nightmares about leaving Leah, we began to discuss how we could make it happen.  But it started to feel almost impossible when I realized how much debt we had. I knew I had to start with our budget. Okay, time to cut back on organic products. That, and shopping around will help with our grocery bill. I also started to shop at Costco for perishables with a girlfriend. I never used to buy their produce because I couldn’t get through it before it went bad. But now we split the food and the cost! Cable. Okay, this is where I demonstrate my complete lack of will power. I love TV. TV is my third favorite thing behind Brian and Leah. So I mentioned cutting this out of our budget before, but have yet to act on it. I’ll admit it, I was waiting for May sweeps and all of my current shows to end before axing my lifeline to tasteless entertainment. But I’m going to do it! I swear! 

Our debt is where I’ve made some real progress. I belong to a Credit Union. My credit union sent out an advertisement for consolidating credit card debt into one personal loan. I only had one credit card with a balance but I was intrigued by their 8.99% interest claim. So I went in to meet with a representative… This is where I’m going to give you the short version of the story, because while I was typing the long version I fell asleep and woke up a week later with ASDFG permanently imprinted on my cheek. 

Ready? 

Did you know you can leverage the equity in your car to refinance your current car loan? Neither did I, and it bears an off-puttingly similar stink to the ridonkulous ARM’s and psuedo secured Sub-Prime Mortgages that the banks created which got this country in the economic state that it’s in right now to begin with. 

So I totally Applied! 

And I got approved! 

I was paying 13.24% on the balance on my credit card. And 5% on my car loan. They used the equity on my car to pay off my credit card and transferred the balance on to my car loan. Since this would be a car loan and not personal loan, I qualified for a much lower rate based on my credit score and history with the bank. And they were offering an additional 1% discount if you set up an automatic payment from your checking or savings. So now instead of paying 18.24% for the both of them every month. 

I. 


Am. 


Paying. 

Drumroll please. 

2.67% 

TOTAL.

Which saves me close to $300 per month on interest alone. THREE HUNDRED Extra dollars per month that I can now put toward my cable addiction paying off our new loan!!! P.S. I have 60 months to pay it off, which will happen if I continue to only do the minimum payments...

There was a very long period of time where the only debt Brian and I had was our mortgage. And it's amazing how differently you view your credit card when there is no balance on it. When we had a large balance I felt like it would never get paid off. It was so much easier to rationalize purchases; "Ehh, I'll just throw it on the credit card"... NOT ANYMORE! Now I just feel hyper focused on throwing as much money as I can at this beast! And it's such a relief to finally be doing something about it.


Though I knew I had good credit, there was a part of me that was worried we wouldn't qualify since my income for the year so far was impacted by my maternity leave. Which makes me want to hate the banks even more because the bottom line is, this loan adjustment was the right thing to do. Ultimately it will help our monthly payments be much more affordable since the minimum due is lower, which means I can pay more than the minimum and it will go towards the principle and get us out of debt faster, which means we can eventually spend more money on cable. I mean, Leah's education. 


For the record I don't have a crazy cable package even now, no movie channels or anything. But it could be a lot smaller. And less expensive. 


So we're on our way. Ideally I'd love to say that by this time next year I will be a full time Mom, but I just don't know if we will be able to swing it. Currently a decent Health Insurance package for the three of us would be close to $1,000 per month. Which seems insane. But I have to try. Because I really, really, really want to be home with her. And I'm just so ridiculously thankful that Brian is not only supportive of this, but willing to work his ass off EVEN MORE than he is now, to make it happen. (I love you, dear!) We can always make money, but she will only be this little once...


Also, her projected height is 6'1, so Brian and I are Banking On a scholarship for Volleyball at Stanford - holla!

Bottle Embargo

Leah is currently waging a battle against her bottles. My little protester! That's right Leah, damn the ma- , Oh wait this is a bad thing. Since last week, Leah has been refusing to take a bottle. Which means on the two days she is with my MIL, she doesn't eat the entire 9 hours that I am gone. Well, my MIL tries to get her to drink, but it's probably only an ounce or so that she'll get down. Brian has even come home during the day to help try, but to no avail. 


I spoke with our Pediatrician as well as consulting Dr. Google and they both said there is not a whole lot I can do, and then they both made the same points:


1. Babies will not starve themselves. She is not smart enough to be so stubborn as to put herself in serious danger. Is it good for her not to eat? Of course not, but she will be okay. 
2. Eventually she will forget why she is not taking the bottle, and eat like normal again.
3. She will soon be on solids, so if she is not drinking by then she will at least have that. 


She nurses perfectly with me, so on the days that I am at work, I only pump once instead of two to three times, that way I am extra full for her when I get home. Uncomfortable, but ready to oblige her growling little tummy. I usually pump every night about 3-4 hours after she's gone to bed, but I will skip it on the nights before I work that way her morning feeding with me is extra plentiful as well. At first I wondered if I should just go home on my lunch breaks to feed her, but our pediatrician just said that would only reinforce her not having to take a bottle...


I've read that changing the bottle/nipple can be helpful at times. But it only works about 40-50% of the time . I have been using Dr. Brown glass bottles, which worked PERFECTLY until recently. I went shopping yesterday, and found the nipple on the Tommie Tippie bottles to be the most different looking compared to the Dr. Brown. I'm disappointed that they only come in plastic with no glass alternative. But I'm sort of desperate at this point. So I'll give this a shot. She's home with my MIL right now, so I should know in a few hours whether it worked or not. 


My poor MIL has tried a lot of different things to help. She tried feeding her in different positions - Leah sitting up, laying down, on her side. She's tried feeding her on my nursing pillows. Still with no luck. So today she is going to take one of my night gowns with her when she feeds her to see if that will help. 


Any other suggestions, homies?

Supplied!

And you folks are exactly what I love about this community. I’m having a tough time with online boards, it seems like most of the people who reply are either crazy bitches or know-it-all schmucks. Neither of which I half an ounce of tolerance for.

So I’m happy to report that trying a combination of your suggestions has not only helped me increase my supply, but I was able to get caught up on my frozen supply while maintaining a fresh supply for the two days she is with my MIL. WOO HOO!

I was asked if Leah was sleeping through the night. She is not, she goes to bed at 8 and is up to feed between 11-2, then feeds again between 4-6. If she only feeds on one side I will stay up and pump the other. Also I try to feed her again right before I leave around 8:30am, but sometimes she’s just not interested.

So per your suggestions, I have switched to the preemie nipples, and asked my MIL to distract her if she starts crying right after it’s finished. If she still seems fussy after 10 minutes, she goes ahead with another bottle. (This usually only applies to 2-3 ounce bags)

On the days I am away from Leah, I pump every three hours religiously. Then I pump every night about an hour after she has gone to bed. (I nurse her to sleep at bed time) I have not tried double pumping, but will give it a shot. I usually massage my breasts while pumping to help encourage the flow. I also ALWAYS have a picture of Leah in front of me.

The Tea. Shit actually works. I stopped drinking it for two days and saw a noticeable decrease in the amount I was able to pump while maintaining my regular pumping/feeding habits. I hate the licorice taste, and hot tea is not exactly appetizing on the hot days, so I decided to chill it and it’s much easier to get through 32 ounces a day. That way it’s refreshing, a change of pace from water, and not nearly as licoriceishy tasting. (They recommend 24 – 40 ounce per day.)

I’m also working on eating the suggested foods!

One more question! I seem to be getting a blister in the same spot on the same nipple, which always leads to a clogged duct, because the milk can't get past the inflammed skin. I realize this is likely a latching issue, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to prevent it? I noticed that I got it one time after falling asleep while nursing - she just kept pacifying it. Then I woke up super raw. UGH. But I don't always realize there is an issue until later on.

Thanks again ladies!!!

Supply and Demand

Before I went back to work, I spent a few weeks building a frozen supply of breast milk for Leah. However she’s gone through it a lot faster than I thought she would. And I only have bottle feeding to blame for that. I’ve read that primarily breastfed babies have a hard time knowing they are full on the occasion that they take a bottle. Flow from the breast is much slower so it’s easier for baby to recognize when its full. Example: Leah can nurse anywhere from 20 -35 minutes, but she can down a bottle in under 10. So on the two days I am at work, she goes through double what she would when I nurse her.

Now my frozen supply is dwindling, and I‘m freaking out a bit about how I will be able to keep up. On the days I am at work I pump and bring that home, then I try to pump every day when I am home just to make up for the additional bags that are used on the other two days, but I’m thinking I won’t be able to maintain my frozen supply much longer.

I drink tons of water, and even started drinking Org.anic Moth.ers Mi.lk Tea to help increase my supply so I can pump twice a day instead of once, or have a larger quantity to pump. Does anyone else have experience with this? Any tips?

Easter Misgivings, and the Land of Firsts

Easter was never a huge deal in my family. Mostly, I suppose, because we're not remotely religious. Did we get together? Of course. Was the day heavy with food and drink? You betcha. My Dad used to give us Easter Bags. It was a crumpled brown paper bag filled with that cheesy plastic grass and an obscene amount of candy. I never cared that my Easter gift wasn't a pretty wooden basket lined with ribbon and lace. Because an Easter Bag was more of my dad's style. It was quirky and endearing. And he always included our favorite candy. It was thoughtful.


A few weeks ago my Mother-in-law and I were at a craft store picking out yarn for a blanket I'd asked her to make for Leah. The store was plastered with Easter decorations and baskets and bunnies. "Awwwwww, next year I'll get to make her an Easter Baskehhht!" I said, thinking of how Brian and I are now the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. As Easter got closer I started to get more excited as I heard about my friends with older kids and all the plans they had. Dying eggs, filling baskets, hiding eggs and other goodies. I can't wait to dye eggs with her. But I'm a realist. My daughter is three and a half months old. So I didn't think an Easter basket would be necessary or appropriate this year. Not that I think it's dumb, it's just that it didn't make sense for me to run out and spend 20 bucks on a basket that really would have been for me. Not her... Still I smiled as I thought about next year and how she'll be able to hold it and walk with the basket that I made her.


So when we got to my in laws Sunday morning for brunch I felt a pang of anger when I saw an Easter Basket with Leah's name sitting on the fire place. Her first Easter Basket. I've made several comments to my mother-in-law that any firsts need to be run by us before they do anything. I assumed that they might do a little something, like a card and a stuffed animal or even a symbolic chocolate bunny. But no, it was a full fledged monogrammed basket with plastic grass and eggs filled with money and bibs and a hat. Now I get that my mother-in-law was excited about her grandbaby's first Easter. But she's gotten her firsts with her two sons. This is our time, with our daughter, and I'm so frustrated that she wouldn't have thought to ask us what our plans were. I spoke to her about it this morning. I thanked her for the gifts and her thoughtfulness, but explained how I wished she had talked to us first about it. And gently reiterated that ANY FIRSTS need to be approved by Brian and I. She started crying, because that's how she is. My intentions were not to hurt her feelings, but to set a clear boundary. And just as my intentions were pure, I know her's are as well. And that in a way, she's like a little puppydog who gets very excited and doesn't see the puddle of pee she's left on the floor.


Am I being a little hypersensitive? Probably. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable as long as I am honest about my expectations. I also have to ask myself if this would be as big a deal if I wasn't having so many territorial feelings. Maybe, maybe not. I think it really has a lot to do with how your perspective changes when you become a parent. And how much your own experiences influence the feelings you have towards the situations your child will encounter. Never in my life have the things my childhood lacked been more evident, than now as I think of everything I want to give my daughter. I don't blame anyone for what I didn't have. I was raised by a single parent, and my dad did the very best he could. I just have a very clear picture of what I want and don't want for her, and for the three of us as a family. I also think my having to go back to work against my preference plays a part. I'm happy and grateful that my mother-in-law is not only willing and able to watch Leah, but is also ecstatic about doing so. And I think if I didn't have to work and be away from Leah, I'd be more than happy and open to leaving her with my mother-in-law for a few hours a week. But that's just not case and all of this is harder than I thought it would be.

So I guess from now on I'm just going to be a lot more honest with my mother-in-law rather than reserved, as I have been.

In Which I Hyper-Focus On Me

Gah, I know it’s been a millennia since I updated here. Sorry about that, I’ve just been uber busy with my last few weeks before work started and now that I am back at work, I have even less time. So this post will consist of me yammering on about me. Although I guess that’s sort of what a personal blog is. But whatever. You’ve been warned.

Fat. Whether or not I lose the baby weight quickly is all on me. And so far I have to say; I don’t really care. I thought I would. But I don’t. Not yet anyway. I know I will hit a point where I am ready to shed the last remaining 15lbs that seem to be all in my belly. I don’t eat crap, because Leah can’t tolerate it. I was never really a fast food person, but the one time I did indulge it made her super gassy. No fun for baby = no fun for mama. I have also recently cut dairy out of my diet in order to determine if Leah has a milk protein allergy. If you’re not familiar, babies with milk protein allergies are not able to easily digest the protein in cow, sheep or goats milk that is consumed by its mother and passed on through  breast milk. Symptoms can be:

Gassiness
Fussiness,
Skin irritations like eczema
Respiratory difficulty like wheezing, coughing or congestion
Diarrhea (or excessive bowel movements),  
Vomiting (more than just spitting up)
Low weight gain.

Leah seems to have the eczema, and the gassiness, which seems to lead to the fussiness. So I’m about two weeks in to a diary free diet, I’ll go up to Thursday then have a glass of milk Friday morning and see if she has any reactions. I gotta say I miss my cheeses, but I might just ahve to get used to that. Breastfeeding is just too important to me.

Walking is tough since its been pretty cold and windy in my parts so I wouldn't be able to take Leah with me. But I know we only have  a few more weeks of crappy weather left. And even though I still have a stationary bike in my garage and my Jillian Michaels torture DVD, I umm, don’t really care. My weight has always yo-yo’d and I’m comfortable enough at this point. Plus I like what my midwife said, it took you nine months to get that way, give yourself at least nine months to get back.

Whatelse…Oh, I’m going bald. My hair seems to be falling out like Ron Paul supporters. I’ve heard it’s normal post pregnancy, but good lawd. I am cleaning out my hairbrush and shower drain on a daily basis. It’s starting to get a little scary. And gross.

Work. Originally I was going to come back to work full time, but in January decided I would do part time. Fortunately my company was on board with this. The deal  for bringing Leah to work was this: Full time = bringing her to work every day until it gets to be too difficult (she’s crawling all over or just requiring too much of my time).  Part time= bringing her in on just one of the three days that I work. The other two she is with my MIL at our house. The reason I can’t bring her every day as a part timer is because you don’t get much done when your baby is with you in the office, so in order to be somewhat useful I can only bring her one day. I realize that this is a unique situation and that I’m EXTREMELY lucky enough to have this option at all. Ultimately this is an ideal situation. I work 24 hours a week, I’m with her five days out of seven, and I get to keep my Full time Benefits. I should be happy with it. But I’m not. The truth is I HATE being away from her. And she HATES being away from me. Every time I call to check in my MIL tells me she is or has recently been crying. My MIL is quite capable, but Leah cries for most of the day while I’m not there. I do feel that it is important for Leah to have people she can be comfortable with, other than Brian and I. But not now. She’s so little. And her missing me is on a primal level. She NEEDS me. Her instincts are to be with her mother. It kills me thinking that she is so upset and that me being there would fix it. And that her distress is totally unnecessary.  And damnit it just feels like we worked so hard for this. I can’t imagine missing a second of time with her.

And now I’m crying.

I know in time Leah will get to know my MIL and be fine. And I do look forward to that. Actually I hope that day comes very soon. I just feel so overwhelmed by my need to be with her, and make sure she is okay that I ache when I can’t be there. We actually took a very serious look at me quitting my job fairly soon, but Health Insurance policies are so fucking expensive. And between the cost of the policy and the payments we are still making to my credit card from IVF debt, we just can’t swing it yet. So the plan is for the immediate future, to live like I am not bringing home a paycheck and put as much as we can in the bank and towards my credit card to get it paid off. I fucking hate having credit card debt. We managed to have no debt other than our house for so long, but infertility (and a dead car) squashed that. Could be six months, could be a year... Who knows.


 So with living on one income brings tremendous changes to the way we do things. Like, Cable. I’m cutting our cable bill in half by switching to a new company with a great New Customer Promotion (Cable companies cater new customers rather than rewarding longevity, bastards) We will be going from 400+ channels down to 33. I have to say I am going to miss the Bravo Channel like I would miss a kidney, but we gotta do it. Annnd it’s probably not going to hurt for me to watch a little less TV anyway. Groceries – I’m going to have to cut back on the organic products I prefer to buy to save a few bucks here and there. I’m going to check out the local Farmers markets to compare pricing on organic produce in hopes that we won’t have to go completely without. And I’ll be making a lot more items from scratch. Which I’m looking forward to and don’t mind one bit! We’ve already cut back on eating out, making the occasional pick up from a local taqueria our one treat. I’ve also started grocery shopping at Costco with a girlfriend. I never used to buy perishables from Bulk stores because we either couldn’t finish it before it went bad or didn’t have the room to freeze it. But now, my girlfriend and I are splitting a lot of things which is cheaper and neither of us has to worry about not eating it in time or where we’re going to put the left overs. Diapers - my bff was exteremly generous to give me a cloth diaper starter kit. But I've been working on getting through some disposables that we were given. After that, no more excuses. Gotta get those going!

So what have I learned from our new financial stragedy?  Being lazy costs money. So I need to get my ass in gear!

PEACE. 

Ready Or Not

A little less than a month from now, I will be going back to work. 


And holy crap, I really don't want to.

Unfortunately, since it cost us so much to get pregnant and become parents. We have a fair amount of debt that needs to be paid off. On top of that my husband is a small business owner and we're not in the position to afford to pay for Health Insurance in addition to paying off that debt. So I'm really lucky that the company I work for provides kick ass health benefits. For all three of us. And that I have a job to go back to, period.


Being at home and taking care of our tiny, yet comfortable home makes me so incredibly happy. And being here every day with Leah brings me to a level of spiritual fulfillment that I can't even begin to describe. It feels like this is what I was meant to do. 


So each day that passes makes me dread going back to work more and more. BUT, fortunately that my company will let me start back part time. Three days a week. And I'll be bring Leah in with me on one of those days, every week. The other two days she will be with my mother-in-law. 


I'm grateful to my MIL for being generous enough with her time to offer to take care of our little girl two days a week. Though I know secretly she wishes it was five. Which makes my hackles go up a little bit. Overall I think I'm doing a little better with my territorial feelings, but they are most certainly not gone. I still kind of want to yank Leah away from her each time she holds her and talks baby talk to her. Yet I refrain. And every time she sees Leah, she calls her her little "Snookum Pie", which makes me throw up in my mouth a little. But then I think of the days that she's come to our house to visit with Leah, and I'm in awe to see a grandmother who loves her grandchild so very much that she will skip meals and bathroom breaks in order to avoid setting down the baby who has been sleeping on her shoulder for the last two hours. And I think, how lucky are we? How lucky is Leah, that she'll have a grandmother who will love her as much as mine loves me. (The same grandmother whom I made Leah's middle name sake) And then I feel like a complete asshole for not wanting to share. 


But I will continue to work on it. It might even be a good reason to get back into therapy for a session or two. Because I really can't put my finger on where this stems from. But it's not good, even if it is "normal". 


My other concern is how well I will manage my home life on top of working. I never felt like I could do either 100% well before. So how do I take care of my husband, daughter, home and work???


Any advice from you ladies on how to make it all work?