Happy Holidays! No One Cares What You Think.

TIffany-Amber Thiessen(!) I've been meaning to post something here! But I have been all sorts of busy being an asshole, and ruining peoples lives. Evidently. And also drafting brilliant posts in my head, but never quite making it to my laptop. 

So the asshole thing, let me elaborate...

I have a secret talent.  Well maybe it's only a secret if you've never actually met me. Which is most of you.  So here it is; I have the ability to make my good intentions make me look like an asshole. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with this, but I'll bet you guessed it probably has something to do with my inlaws. And you'd be right!

I basically asked her and the family to only buy one gift for Leah's Birthday and Christmas combined. (Her birthday is three days before Christmas) Because she is tiny and doesn't need much, and we don't have a big house to store tons of crap and I didn't want people going bananas. Oh, and also there are at least thirteen, 13 I SAY, immediate family members buying for her this year. Not including Brian and I.

But apparently that makes me a controlling asshole.

Because of the push-back I got, I ended up consulting a few veteran Mommy friends. They both completely understood my position, had attempted to set similar ground rules themselves at some point, but ultimately realized it wasn't worth the headache of trying to manage other peoples gift giving. 

As one of them put it: "Smile and nod, then Return, Re-gift, or Donate."

So I conceded. Reluctantly.

But you can fully expect an 'I Told You So' Post on December 26th, by the way. Complete with photographic evidence. 

My final thought is this: I can completely understand the excitement from family wanting to buy gifts for the new baby. But was I wrong to presume a little more respect for my request as her parent? I didn't tell anyone what to buy, just requested that it only be one item... 

Look Away, I'm Hideous

I know my last post on the status of my feelings about my MIL was all jokey, jokey (hence the title, which by the way was directed at Leah. Like marking my territory), but I have really been struggling with my feelings. There is very little I would compare to the tragedy and heartache of infertility, but I see a likeness in my emotions in this particular situation. Resentment. I think I’m a little bitter about the time that I am away from Leah (which I know is miniscule compared to others).  Feeling bad about feeling bad. Frustration that even though I know my feelings are not fair per se, I can’t seem to help myself. The other part is feeling over protective, and helpless when Leah is not in my presence.  I wanted to say when Leah is not under my control, but it sounded a little too Mommy Dearest, and I am quite certain that she already has enough ammo to use this blog against me.

I pay very close attention to my unreasonableness in regards to my MIL. It weighs on me heavily. It makes me feel like a bad person. Especially because I know how much joy she gets from the time she is with Leah. And I love that. I want her to love the time she spends with her; I wouldn’t have it any other way. But when she says things like “ I know this time is special because you are a new mom, but it’s nothing compared to being a grandmother.” Sounds relatively harmless I'm sure, but try taking it from the perspective of a new mom who struggled for years to become one, and whom is currently waging an internal battle of the ‘does not play well with others’ variety. And by “others”, I only mean my MIL. Keep in mind, after years of trying not to fall apart in public during many a pregnancy announcement; I’ve evolved into a pretty decent actress. So I’m sure my MIL has no idea about the way I’m feeling. And I don’t feel like telling her would help. I did at one point try. I explained that even though it was exciting for her, it was really, REALLY hard for me to be away from Leah. But I think her eyes had already glazed over with Grandma time.

So I’m going to continue to try to sort things out here. I’ll finish this post by illegitimately bitching about the fact that my MIL has had some sort of errand to run every single day since she got the carseat base. I viewed it more as an  "in case" basis. And I know it shouldn’t be a big deal that she is proudly and happily bouncing around town with Leah in the back of her Durango. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I KNOW. But all I can think is how I would never forgive her if something (God forbid) happened. And also, she is MINE. Two more examples of why I’m an asshole. Good times. 

Maybe I Should Just Pee On Her And Get It Over With...

If you have been reading this blog for any concentrated amount of time, you will know that I am terrible about following up with "catastrophe's" that I post about. So here I am to relieve you from your debilitating state of suspense or otherwise baited breath.

My Mama-Bear issues are still omnipresent. (Unbelievable! Said No One.) I did however, go see my therapist about it. The good news? All of my feelings are "Completely Normal!". She praised me for being able to acknowledge the fact that my feelings, though reasonable, "were not exactly rational or fair". But I FEEL as though the blister on my left nipple would know the difference. Still we talked a lot about what my goals are for achieving harmony, and the fact that my feelings probably won't be going anywhere fast. This is not something that can necessarily be solved, but more like feelings that will fade when I'm dead in time. What's important is taking time to think about how I will approach her regarding any given matter and keeping in mind my mama bear mentality before I react.  Like when she asked me for the extra base for the carseat so she could "Go show her friends". Fortunately this conversation took place over the phone so she could not see the raging hellfire blazing from my corneas. I realize it's not as though she asked to take Leah away for the weekend to go to Disneyland for the first time, and I cordially obliged after privately fuming about it. But I will admit I was a little edgy all day just thinking about it. And last week when my neighbor told me the entire block can hear Leah screaming on the days I am at work, I did not immediately tender my resignation or change our locks. Mostly because I was pretty much already aware that this was happening because my normally very chatty MIL is always sitting on the front porch with a red eyed, pink cheeked from wailing, but ultimately exasperated and just sniffling Leah, ready to hand her over and get the hell out of there the moment my car pulls in the driveway... I know there is absolutely nothing malicious or unsafe going on, I just think my MIL is not great about identifying sleep signals and then Leah gets over tired and turns into a raving lunatic. Understandably so.

I'm also pretty darn proud of myself for keeping my cool when my MIL asked if they could get Leah's first Halloween Costume. Supposedly my FIL's idea. P'sha Right. I calmly smiled and said "I'm sorry, no. That's really sweet, and I think it's adorable that "he's" so excited, but the first Halloween Costume is a biggie". And then I refrained from explaining that she should pretty much forget about asking for any "firsts". Not in a Mamabear way - but in a "that's our long awaited not to mention FIRST and possibly only child, and that pretty much guarantees us any and every firsts. Foreverandeveramen."

Which prompts me to think about the holidays. You may remember my rant about my MIL giving Leah her first Easter Basket. Well, my main concern now is the Christmas stocking my MIL has already made for her. (Another first that she unintentionally hijacked.) Brian and I are on the same page as far as Leah not getting two Stockings. The first reason being BECAUSE SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER. WE are Santa, not grammie and poppop. Number two, and what I'm going to tell people is the first reason most importantly, we don't want Leah to have a lot of stuff. I kept wondering how we could possibly bring that up without making it sound like we were inferring that she would only buy crap. Fortunately she kind of beat me to the punch and inadvertently gave me a great reason. She mentioned something along the lines of wanting to give Leah a gift towards her college fund. BINGO. Another completely valid reason is that they really can't afford it. Well, they shouldn't afford it. Leah will be well taken care of in the present department. Being that she is the only grandchild, niece and baby period on both sides of the family. (We're the oldest.)

So there you have it. While I lack the ability to be a fundamentally good person, I at least have the knowledge and good sense to keep my mouth shut about it to the people it effects. And only over-share my feelings with complete strangers. You're welcome!

Bottle Embargo

Leah is currently waging a battle against her bottles. My little protester! That's right Leah, damn the ma- , Oh wait this is a bad thing. Since last week, Leah has been refusing to take a bottle. Which means on the two days she is with my MIL, she doesn't eat the entire 9 hours that I am gone. Well, my MIL tries to get her to drink, but it's probably only an ounce or so that she'll get down. Brian has even come home during the day to help try, but to no avail. 


I spoke with our Pediatrician as well as consulting Dr. Google and they both said there is not a whole lot I can do, and then they both made the same points:


1. Babies will not starve themselves. She is not smart enough to be so stubborn as to put herself in serious danger. Is it good for her not to eat? Of course not, but she will be okay. 
2. Eventually she will forget why she is not taking the bottle, and eat like normal again.
3. She will soon be on solids, so if she is not drinking by then she will at least have that. 


She nurses perfectly with me, so on the days that I am at work, I only pump once instead of two to three times, that way I am extra full for her when I get home. Uncomfortable, but ready to oblige her growling little tummy. I usually pump every night about 3-4 hours after she's gone to bed, but I will skip it on the nights before I work that way her morning feeding with me is extra plentiful as well. At first I wondered if I should just go home on my lunch breaks to feed her, but our pediatrician just said that would only reinforce her not having to take a bottle...


I've read that changing the bottle/nipple can be helpful at times. But it only works about 40-50% of the time . I have been using Dr. Brown glass bottles, which worked PERFECTLY until recently. I went shopping yesterday, and found the nipple on the Tommie Tippie bottles to be the most different looking compared to the Dr. Brown. I'm disappointed that they only come in plastic with no glass alternative. But I'm sort of desperate at this point. So I'll give this a shot. She's home with my MIL right now, so I should know in a few hours whether it worked or not. 


My poor MIL has tried a lot of different things to help. She tried feeding her in different positions - Leah sitting up, laying down, on her side. She's tried feeding her on my nursing pillows. Still with no luck. So today she is going to take one of my night gowns with her when she feeds her to see if that will help. 


Any other suggestions, homies?

Unclenching

Holy Crap, where did May go?!


I’m not sure how things work in your house, but in G-Town USA, Momma carries the brunt of the domestic work load. Brian and I have lived this way since we got married. I love my domesticity. I live for my home life and there is truly no place else I’d rather be. This works out well for us, because Brian is the hardest working most driven, and passionate person I have ever met. He works 65+ hours a week outside the home, and I work 119 in it. But that doesn’t mean that Brian works less than me. His job is very demanding, and intense, and he gets an obscene amount of things done in a short period of time. You could say that his job is a sprint, and mine a marathon.

Where am I going with all this, you ask? Well, I’d like to lay out a little life lesson that smacked me upside the sinuses the week before last. I contracted my first cold since having Leah, and holy crow did it knock me on my ass.  (thanks again for sharing that with me dear!) I’ve always had allergies, so when I felt more congested than normal that last Thursday, I didn’t really question it. Until late Friday morning came and suddenly I was only congested on one side – that’s how I can tell, allergies are always both sides. By Friday afternoon my wheels were falling off and I was having trouble keeping up with a baby who can’t even crawl yet. And I was only able to dip my toe in the pity pool for a second when I realized that I had been hugging and kissing and breathing on Leah all day long (before I realized I was sick). And I started to panic. I couldn’t stand the idea of her getting sick, and it possibly being my fault. So Saturday morning when I woke up feeling like snot covered death, I knew I would have ask for help. Since Brian works every Saturday I called my Mother-in-law and asked her to hang out with Leah while I tried not to croak in my bedroom. Not easy for me, but I knew it was the best thing for Leah to not be around me, and for me to get some rest. 


Would you believe I was too sick to care about having to listen to my MIL hold and sing and baby-talk to Leah? Good, cause I wasn’t and it bugged the crap out of me every single second she was there. 
How about some points for keeping my mouth shut, cause I just let them do their thing and didn’t say a single word? Nope, cause she is great with Leah, and I’m an asshole for being annoyed to begin with.

But this isn’t about my Mother-in-law.  It’s about the dynamic between Brian and I. And the lesson I’m learning about letting go and letting Brian do his thing with Leah. It’s a really sketchy line between helping him understand her cues and not making him feel like a useless failure. I tend to prattle on from the other room about what every coo or cry means. And I don’t do this because I’m a know it all. (At least I don't think I am... I mean, I don’t try to be) I do it because I ache to care of her every second of every moment. I trust Brian implicitly, but the fact is I’m with her more. I know her better. And I know that her fussiness is a slippery slope. If you don’t catch it early enough she will crash and burn and take you down with her. That mostly applies to being tired, because she tends to get overtired very quickly and then it’s really hell getting her down for a nap or bed time. So how do I find a healthy balance between helping Brian understand and anticipate her needs, and not letting her suffer because he doesn't realize she's about to fall apart but I don't want to nag him?

Well I got a crash course in learning to let go this past weekend while I was sick. I didn't want to be around Leah more than I had to, and the times that I did I was wearing a surgical mask. (Is that nuts?) So I had to let Brian do the bulk of the work. It was SO hard to not be the one caring for her, especially when she was crying because it wasn’t what she was used to. And I know realistically, she was FINE. He wasn't forcing her to watch Moonshiners or holding her up by her ankles. It’s just horrible to listen to her crying, when I know it’s something I can fix right away. I’m happy to say however that he took the reins like a champ. I was so proud and grateful and impressed. But not one bit surprised. He's great with her, and the coolest part about it is, it's because he wanted to be. And sometimes the desire is more important than the know-how. I want to feel okay with her crying a little while she’s getting used to him caring for her, and putting her to bed. But a big part of me feels like it will be better for her if we wait until she isn’t so little to get her used to this. Ultimately I want him to be involved, and not because I need a break, but because I want her to feel as used to him as she is to me. I want him to know that bond. Where I struggle is being okay with her crying. We are not going to practice the Cry It Out method, so I’m having a hard time with where this transition falls. (not judging anyone on CIO, that’s just how I feel)

So I’m back to my semi-healthy self again, and back to running our daily and nightly routines. But the battle still continues. And I don’t mean that to sound like we fight constantly. I mean it’s a battle to constantly try to foresee her ever changing needs while cementing routines that work for her and us, and adapting to how that changes the dynamics in our marriage. It’s just as hard as I heard it would be, so maybe this is why I am desperately trying to control what few things I still have a handle on? Does that make sense?


Stay Tuned.

A New Holiday Regime?

All of this Easter drama has me thinking about the roles parents play and where holiday traditions with our parents merge with the new ones we hope to start with our little family. And how we're going to handle the holidays to come. 

Going forward, I don't really think Leah needs two Easter Baskets. 

If Brian's parents get her one, does that mean my dad should get her one too? 

She definitely doesn't need three Easter Baskets 
(or four if you count my "Around at her Convenience" mother) 

So now the question goes one step further, what about Christmas Stockings? 

I didn't get an Easter Basket or a Christmas Stocking from either of my Grandparents... 

And as far as I know, Santa only delivers your presents to the house you live in. 

Not Grammy and Pop-pop's. 

There are some tricky parts to this situation. 

Right now, we do stockings for the grownups on both sides of our family. 

Brian's folks do one for us, and my dad does one for us. And we do theirs.

Here's my argument against it from now on.

Number 1 - Neither of our parents need to be spending an extra $20-30 dollars on a Stocking at Christmas. If you count Brian and I and Leah, that's a pretty penny. And we don't need to blow money on scratcher lottery tickets and tiny bottles of booze for them either...

Number 2 - I don't want Leah to have lots of STUFF. A fair amount of toys and books, yes. But not to an excess. It's the principle behind it. She is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. She's already going to clean up for her Birthday and Christmas. I don't want her to get spoiled or think that this type of exorbitance is the norm.


Number 3 - Finally, I feel like this is our time. To be Santa and the Easter Bunny. Just Brian and I. They've had their time... 

 I haven't brought this up to Brian yet, and if he agrees with me, this is going to be a very VERY difficult conversation to have with my my in-laws. Especially because my Mother-in-Law already made a stocking for Leah. And my Grandmother-inlaw made one for Leah for here at the house... But what if I want to do my own little thing for Leah? Why should I be obligated to use these items? I feel like it's my turn to start new traditions. 
I want a set of stockings for the three of us that match, and are our style... 
So what now? 

So I ask all of you. Did you get Easter Baskets and Stockings from your Grandparents?

Easter Misgivings, and the Land of Firsts

Easter was never a huge deal in my family. Mostly, I suppose, because we're not remotely religious. Did we get together? Of course. Was the day heavy with food and drink? You betcha. My Dad used to give us Easter Bags. It was a crumpled brown paper bag filled with that cheesy plastic grass and an obscene amount of candy. I never cared that my Easter gift wasn't a pretty wooden basket lined with ribbon and lace. Because an Easter Bag was more of my dad's style. It was quirky and endearing. And he always included our favorite candy. It was thoughtful.


A few weeks ago my Mother-in-law and I were at a craft store picking out yarn for a blanket I'd asked her to make for Leah. The store was plastered with Easter decorations and baskets and bunnies. "Awwwwww, next year I'll get to make her an Easter Baskehhht!" I said, thinking of how Brian and I are now the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. As Easter got closer I started to get more excited as I heard about my friends with older kids and all the plans they had. Dying eggs, filling baskets, hiding eggs and other goodies. I can't wait to dye eggs with her. But I'm a realist. My daughter is three and a half months old. So I didn't think an Easter basket would be necessary or appropriate this year. Not that I think it's dumb, it's just that it didn't make sense for me to run out and spend 20 bucks on a basket that really would have been for me. Not her... Still I smiled as I thought about next year and how she'll be able to hold it and walk with the basket that I made her.


So when we got to my in laws Sunday morning for brunch I felt a pang of anger when I saw an Easter Basket with Leah's name sitting on the fire place. Her first Easter Basket. I've made several comments to my mother-in-law that any firsts need to be run by us before they do anything. I assumed that they might do a little something, like a card and a stuffed animal or even a symbolic chocolate bunny. But no, it was a full fledged monogrammed basket with plastic grass and eggs filled with money and bibs and a hat. Now I get that my mother-in-law was excited about her grandbaby's first Easter. But she's gotten her firsts with her two sons. This is our time, with our daughter, and I'm so frustrated that she wouldn't have thought to ask us what our plans were. I spoke to her about it this morning. I thanked her for the gifts and her thoughtfulness, but explained how I wished she had talked to us first about it. And gently reiterated that ANY FIRSTS need to be approved by Brian and I. She started crying, because that's how she is. My intentions were not to hurt her feelings, but to set a clear boundary. And just as my intentions were pure, I know her's are as well. And that in a way, she's like a little puppydog who gets very excited and doesn't see the puddle of pee she's left on the floor.


Am I being a little hypersensitive? Probably. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable as long as I am honest about my expectations. I also have to ask myself if this would be as big a deal if I wasn't having so many territorial feelings. Maybe, maybe not. I think it really has a lot to do with how your perspective changes when you become a parent. And how much your own experiences influence the feelings you have towards the situations your child will encounter. Never in my life have the things my childhood lacked been more evident, than now as I think of everything I want to give my daughter. I don't blame anyone for what I didn't have. I was raised by a single parent, and my dad did the very best he could. I just have a very clear picture of what I want and don't want for her, and for the three of us as a family. I also think my having to go back to work against my preference plays a part. I'm happy and grateful that my mother-in-law is not only willing and able to watch Leah, but is also ecstatic about doing so. And I think if I didn't have to work and be away from Leah, I'd be more than happy and open to leaving her with my mother-in-law for a few hours a week. But that's just not case and all of this is harder than I thought it would be.

So I guess from now on I'm just going to be a lot more honest with my mother-in-law rather than reserved, as I have been.