Nope.

Infertility Mix Tape

I call it a "mix tape" instead of a "playlist , 'cause I'm oldschool like that. This is something I have been thinking about doing for a while. If I learned anything from my last cycle it's to KEEP BUSY. So without further adieu, I give you my IF mix tape:


1. Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys

Maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

2. Don't Stop, Fleetwood Mac

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things you've done,
If life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before
Yesterday's gone, Yesterday's gone

3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Brother Israel

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

4. Patience, Guns n' Roses

If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time

5. Message In A Bottle, The Police

A year has passed since I wrote my note
I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

6. Sabotage, Beastie Boys

'Cause what you see you might not get
And we can bet, so you don't get souped yet
Scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm tryin' to tell you now it's sabotage

7. Dreaming With A Broken Heart, John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed, and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe

8. Miracle, Foo Fighters

Everything that we've survived
It's gonna be alright, just lucky we're alive
Got no vision I've been blind
Searching everywhere, you're right there in my sights

9. Down So Long, Jewel

We've been down so long
Oh it can't be longer still
And we've been down so long
Oh the end, must be drawing near

10. Lose Yourself, Eminem

Success is my only mother fucking option, failure's not


I saved number ten for last, because it's awesome, and I'd like to dedicate that one specifically to: Wheresmy2lines, Babyattheend, Itsonlylife, Bottomsoff, Conceivethis, and Willnotworkforbaby.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I don't have a Beta scheduled and I'm not planning to test anytime soon. Well at least, I'm going to try to hold out as long as I can.... I'm 10dpo today.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Coming Soon!

Howdy ICLWer's! Welcome to my blog. Here is a brief account of our history via bullet point:

• We began TTC in August 2007.
• Diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility due to a chromosomal abnormality, in December 2008.
• After much, much, MUCH delibertion, we decided to use Donor over trying IVF w/ ICSI in March 2009.
• We are currently on our second cycle of dIUI's. Since all of my tests came back clear, our RE suggested starting with unmedicated cycles with back to back IUI's. So I go in for an IUI the morning I get a positive OPK, and then go back again the next day.
• If you'd like a more detailed description of our history you can check out my last ICLW welcome where I had a bit more time to devote to a proper introduction.

Which brings us to the current day, 5DPO. I am so ridiculously full of hope right now it's almost suicidal. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day (hi jess!) and I was explaining how with each IUI cycle my odds of getting pregnant go up. Ex. Dr.RAWKS thinks it will take about three cycles to get me pregnant, six at most. (My vote is for two, in case you were wondering) So the closer I get to three and six, the better my odds are of finally seeing that damned errant second line on an HPT. By the way I completely embrace the fact that this theory is both semi logical and irrationally based. But I'm sticking with it! I HAVE TO. So far hope is all we've got going for us. There are days where it feels like the lines between my determination to be a mother and my infatuation with seeing a positive pregnancy test, blur and I can't decide which one I want more at the moment.

So there it is. Our story in a nutshell.

I look forward to reading all about you!

Another Round

I went in this morning for my second IUI, and spent the rest of the day being completely useless. It was just as fabulous as it sounds. Seriously, it's almost 9pm and I am just getting around to writing this... The IUI went remarkably well, a little crampier than the last ones though. Between the two IUI's we have a total of 46 motile swimmers. They tell me with a frozen sample they hope for at least 10 million per IUI, so I'm feeling good about that.

As I mentioned before, I started up acupuncture again. I am a huge advocate of acupuncture. I did it for three months last year, long before our diagnosis, and although it didn't get me pregnant (because of MFI). I did notice a lot of improvements. My pms was very noticeably minimized, my digestion was more ... regular. And my feet weren't as cold as they normally were. I was able to see a vast improvement in these things about a month into treatment. Digestion wasn't even anything I complained about- It just got better. Aside from whatever the needles physically regulate or alleviate, I think that taking the time to meditate during each appointment is beneficial in itself. I focus on my breathing, and do my best to clear my head. TTC or not, I believe it's a healthy way to nurture mind and body.

The last place I went was an old timey Chinese medicine clinic. Complete with a display of decanters filled with mysteriously celestial looking ingredients. It was a family practice, mother and son. Clean, quiet, efficient. The reason I looked elsewhere was because I was hoping to find someone that focused more on reproductive health. Which is exactly what I found. I am really happy with my new clinic. It's a small place, I think there are only two practitioners. When I first sat down with Ms. B (I don't think she is technically a doctor but she's got a boat load of credentials according to the amount of initials after her name, and certificates on the wall) I told her that I was currently undergoing unmedicated IUI's. She asked about my basic medical history, and then more specifically about my reproductive medical history. I explained that as far as we knew there weren't any issues with me, and that we were dealing with MFI so we would be using a donor. She nodded and told me that she works with a lot of patients dealing with IF, and that 3 years ago, she and her partner used donor to conceive their now two year old twin sons. I was shocked, and thrilled. Someone who'd been there. Yes it was under entirely different circumstances, but still. It felt good to know someone else who knew what I was dealing with. She is sweet, and compassionate, and warm. She says things like "You're welks" (you're welcome). And she couldn't weigh more than 97 pounds. She's funny too. I feel good when I leave there. Her confidence is a little unnerving, but I sort of like that because it's nice to hear a medical professional be hopeful.

So we have two vials left in storage. Each cycle requires two. If it doesn't work this month I will immediately order 4-6 more, providing our donor is still available. And now that I think about it even if it does work I will order more for potential siblings.

And so begins another tww. Let's hope I can sustain a little clarity throughout the next 14-16 days. I honestly don't have any idea when my period will come because I ovulated six days later than normal.

P.S. I'd like to thank Daega99. She left me an Award on her site, but her comment profile lead me to inactive blog... Daega can you send me the link to your other blog, or if anyone else knows it - can you leave a link to it? Thanks!!!

Eureka

I'll call my clinic at 9am, and go in for the first of two IUI's.

It's about fucking time.

Still Nothing....

I sent an email to my RE because I am officially four days past due. He said to call him Monday if I still haven't gotten positive by then... Very helpful. My clinic is open on the weekends, so I'm not worried. Just tired of peeing in and on things...

I've gone through like $70.00 dollars in tests. Almost two boxes of CBE digital OPK's, and the rest of my Internet cheapies. (I can normally get by with 3 CBE's and 3 Internet Cheapies)... I'll be back at target tomorrow morning to buy more tests.

I'm not mad or frustrated anymore. This is really weird for me. Come rain, sleet, or snow, my ovaries have always performed. What are the possibilities that through the last two years we've had MFI, and now that we've come up with a solution my girlie parts go on strike????

Postive OPK - MIA

Okay, sorry I've been slacking. I've been busy...and stuff, I guess. I don't really have a good excuse. Can you forgive me?

So here's my latest update via bullet point.

• I should have gotten a positive OPK yesterday. My cycle for the most part is extraordinarily regular. (I realize that I am lucky)
• Today is CD16 of 31.
• I ran out of the unreasonably expensive Cle.ar.Blu.e.Easy digital OPK's this morning. I can normally get by with 3 or 4 per cycle, because I am SUPPOSEDLY that regular. (My RE prefers that I use that brand)
• I normally buy them from Amazon.com because they are cheaper and I like the privacy and convenience of having them shipped to my house. I went to THREE different stores trying to find more. I went to two this morning before work finally ending up at Targ.et on my lunch, where I found out they cost TEN dollars LESS than the other two stores I went to. And it turns out the Target price is about the same as amazon.
• I looked back at my outlook calendar over the last TWO years where I efficiently marked the day that I ovulated and the day when AF showed. I got positive OPK's on CD18 three times within that time frame. My period then was effectively pushed back three days.
• Fortunately my clinic is open on the weekends so I'm not worried about the fact that I may have to do it then. And actually it's more convenient that way because I won't have to take time off work. (currently doing unmedicated dIUI's)
• I am SUPER annoyed with this delay.

Sorry for the ranting and unwarranted bitchiness. I just want to get this show on the road, ya know???

*********************

Update 8/12/2009 at 11:54am PST

The only second line I have ever seen is failing me. Still NO positive.

I should also say that I was not in anyway stressed or concerned about this cycle before yesterday. I was feeling pretty indifferent actually.

I have been testing 3-4 times per day since Sunday (CD13), so there is NO way that I missed my peak. Also I get cramps and pressure before I ovulate, and I've had none. CM has disappeared as well. Not that there was much of it in the last few days anyway.

Could this be my first annovulatory cycle???

Maybe I should just stick with Clare's comment...

When you need a friend

A few weeks ago I wrote about some good friends who got pregnant on their first try. I wrote about how devastated I was. How even thought I knew that they were trying, hearing their news sent me over the edge. I literally bawled the moment I got in my car to leave work that evening. And I didn't stop until much later that night. These friends of mine are very aware of our situation and gave me the news as gently as possible. We've had them over for dinner since then and although they were careful and asked us more about our current status than they reported of their own, I couldn't help but feel resentful. Her very presence alone was enough to crush my spirit. To break my already wounded heart.

Flip that coin over and you'll find the friends we haven't spoken to since they called us with their happy news. These were friends we traveled to another country with. And spent every Cinco De Mayo with. And saw on a pretty regular basis up until now. In January they suffered a miscarriage. I made it a point to be as supportive as I could. I called up the wife and had a super girly day with her. During our lunch I told her how sorry I was for her loss and then I confided in her all of the infertility issues we'd been dealing with. I told her that I knew she would be pregnant again in no time and that she shouldn't be afraid to tell us when that time comes. She was grateful for my sympathy and empathic to our situation. She asked questions delicately, and told me to call her when I had a bad. I haven't physically seen her since that day. The last time I spoke with her was when she called to tell us that she was pregnant, and 19 weeks along. 19 weeks. We live 6 miles apart. She and her husband have been avoiding us since they found out. They skipped the surprise birthday party in March, that Brian threw for me. And in between the time when they were passed the 12 week mark and when they finally called us, Brian saw them twice. They didn't say a thing. Brian even asked the husband how things were going and the husband blew it off and said they hadn't been trying. Brian has called them a few times and they haven't returned a single call.

Another close friend of mine got married in May and simultaneously announced her abandonment of birth control, just called me today. Out of the blue. She wants to hang out. LIKE SOON. It's pretty obvious that yet another announcement is headed our way. Great.

Infertility changes so many things in our lives. Why does it have to mess with our friendships??? Why does it alienate us from our friends when we need them most???

I hate it but I feel like I'm being left behind. Again. I was just so sure that my first IUI was going to work. I thought about how I'd be far enough along to tell our families on Brian's birthday. Now I feel like we're still months away from anything. This fucking sucks.

Speaking of things that really fucking suck. Please give some love to Kerri at Will not work for Baby. Her IVF cycle failed, and she is understandably broken hearted, as am I for her...

Absolutely Lovely

I cannot imagine where I would be without this incredible community. The love and support I have received is absolutely overwhelming. I am honored to say I received the One Lovely Blog Award from Melissa, Michelle, Kerri and Kim !




Thank you so much for thinking of me ladies! Before I tell you about the details of the award I'd like to focus again one what a great community we have here. And how paramount I think it is that we continue to help it blossom. Mel over at Stirrup Queens has put in a request to boost the involvement in honor of the LFCA's second anniversary. She's asking that we all make a little more effort in submitting news, whether it be our own, or a bloggy pal's. In addition we need to continue visting the Lost and Found to check on the ones who've submitted the news and spread a little extra love. Please do your best to spend a few minutes each night commenting to those in need.

Okay, the rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm going to have to cheat a little and only put 9!!! Can you ever forgive me?!

1. Drive Fast. Take Chances.
2. Dreams of a Baby
3. Life in the White House
4. My Journey to Become a Mother
5. Baby Manatee
6. Will Not Work For Baby
7. The Important Things in Life Aren't Things
8. We Got Hitched ... Now What?
9. Me Inside Out

Congratulations ladies!!! A BIG Squishy hug to you all!!

Stress Case

Alright. No more whining. It's time to get myself ready for this cycle. In preparation Brian and I spent the entire weekend doing a whole lot of nothing - in each others arms. We had a fantastic time being super lazy, it was just what I needed. Brian has been so amazing, I can't imagine waging this battle with anyone else. Part of the reason I had to stay so mellow was because I hurt my back. I had issues with it about two years ago, and it's been really sensitive every since. It tends to cramp up a lot whenever I am stressed or upset. I hadn't had flare up in a long time, but my big fat failure managed to do the trick. Awesome.

I also made the decision to start acupuncture again. I am going to see a different doctor than last time though. I found three practices within a mile of my office that specialize in reproductive care. I called today and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. They really prefer to start earlier in the cycle, but evidently any treatment is better than nothing at all. I did acupuncture for about three months months in 2008. WAY before our MFI diagnosis. I thought that the issues HAD to be on my side. I figured my CM was hostile or that I had a hormonal imbalance. My acupuncturist actually told me that other than my circulation being a little less than perfect, but my chi was okay, and that we should have an SA done. And I was like: Nah I think we'll wait on that, I am the problem.

Making this appointment reminded me of how much pressure I put on myself back then. And having one failed IUI has brought all of that back. Now I wonder how much of my stress may actually be part of the problem. Hopefully the acupuncture will help with all of that.

OMFG.

DID I REALLY JUST SUGGEST THAT RELAXING WILL MAKE ME GET PREGNANT?????!!!!

Jesus. I AM losing it.