Something That Could Have Been Brought To My Attention YESTERDAY

Or two fucking years ago, before we spent six months and thousands of dollars on DIUI's that were NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WORK.

I have Ovulatory Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Different than "Classic" PCOS.

(Thank you Meg, for the link.)

Yeah, I've never heard of it either.

Maybe I would have, had I been diagnosed TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. Because then I would have known that one of the symptoms of OPCOS is an elevated blood sugar level which can hinder implantation - KIND OF A BIG FUCKING FACTOR don'tcha think?!?!

So yesterday I had my CD3 Antra Follicle count. Our new RE (I need to come up with a name for him) wanted to see my ovaries in an "unchallenged state", meaning before there was a dominant follicle present. He quickly counted eight resting follicles on my left, and 12 on my right. FYI, the average for most women is about 10-12 total between the two ovaries. I have 20.

He mentioned something about this on the phone consult Saturday, but honestly I didn't have any idea what he was talking about, because I knew I didn't have any of the "Classic" Polycystic symptoms. But evidently he saw it coming because I have a 30 day cycle, which is a indicative of women with OPCOS. The only good thing about this is that it means I am likely to yield a higher reserve of follicles on a low dose of stims.

He wants me to start on Metformin asap. He says it will essentially make me "more fertile". And thanks to the link Meg sent me, I now know that is because the Metformin will regulate my insulin levels therefore bypass any implantation problems. He also said he will keep me on it until I am 12 weeks along, because it can also decrease the risk of miscarriage for someone like me.

I know I should be happy about the fact that it's finally been diagnosed, and our RE just kept reassuring me that it's actually a good thing because it means I'll be a better than average responder. But just having found out - I'm pretty hung up on the fact that this wasn't caught sooner. It kills me to think about how much time and money was wasted, but most importantly how the failed cycles caused such an epic amount of unnecessary heartache. Really the time and money was one thing, but the depression that followed not only comprimised my marriage but has forever changed who I am as a person.

Oh and now I have to sit with what else could come back from the rest of my blood tests. And all TWENTY-FOUR vials that they took!!!! It was twenty three, but the lab called later yesterday afternoon to tell me they had forgotten one. GAH. And fuck, what if the insurance deception doesn't work?!?!

Commence Meltdown.
(Number One)

Not What I Planned

Where, oh where, do I begin?

When I made my initial appointment for today's IUI, they told me that Dr. Rawks was not going to be in. Which was fine, I've had six total IUI's during my last three cycles and Dr. Rawks has only done two of them. Not a big deal. I was able to make an appointment with a Doctor that I've had before and really liked. But when we got there today, my IUI nurse told me that this doctor was no longer available. No problem, just give me anyone with a degree in Reproductive Endocrinology, and I'll be on my way... So the doctor walks in, and I suddenly realize I've had her before. And she was not good. Not good at all. Not only does she lack a personality/bedside manner, but after my last visit with her I abhorrently nicknamed her Dr. Cantfindmycervix. I literally felt bruised after the last IUI she gave me.

After reintroducing herself, she tells me that the counts of the vial they thawed only had 9.6 million. The bank we purchased from guarantee's a minimum of 10 million. I realize that this is a very small difference, but I am not happy. Since my first IUI the total thawed counts have only gone down. My first vial had 26 million - a FANTASTIC number. But the vial before this had 15 million. Still not terrible, but not as good as 26. The minimum amount that my clinic prefers for an IUI is 10 million. Dr. Cantfindmycervix, seemed to think this sample was adequate. But I just didnt feel good about it. This my FOURTH FUCKING SHOT. I NEED this to WORK. I can't do this anymore. It's really starting to wear on me... So I ask her if it's possible to thaw another vial. She tells me again, that the vial does meet their minimum requirement, but that if I wanted, they could thaw another one. She warned me that doing so, may not necessarily increase my odds. But I just didn't feel good about the single vial. I can't settle for their "minimum requirement" - I won't. Not when we've got three failed cycles under our belts. My peace of mind is worth more than the expense of an extra vial. If I had settled for the single vial and this cycle didn't work, I could not live with myself for not following my instinct and insisting on a second vial.

So it's done. The Dr, once again, had a difficult time locating my cervix for some ridiculous reason. And once again she fumbled around while giving me the play by play -"You're going to feel some pressure now", blah blah blah.... HEY LADY, THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO. I know what a fucking speculum feels like. How's about you work a little harder on being delicate with my girlly parts, and little less on your dialog, huh?!?! So like I was saying, it's done, and I've been resting somewhat comfortably since this afternoon. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my left side while I was typing this, and now I can feel my right side starting to ache. So I'm happy with the timing I guess. But man, was this a crappy ending to what I have so far, felt pretty confident about. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I need feel good about the rest of this cycle, I'm tired of feeling sad...

Please commence crossed fingers.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Anyone?

I've been on kind of a rage bender since CD1. The slightest of things set me off. Here is a completely unwarranted rant, all IF related mind you -via bullet point.

• My boobs are killing me. I hate that they start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Two whole weeks of sore boobs. That's 26weeks a year!!! Not only is it uncomfortable but it means I'm in my tww. Which only induces insanity and helps to notify me of impending heartache.
• Even though we ended up getting the timing right, I don't have a great feeling about this cycle... The timing was right on my last two cycles and look where that got us. AND, we had the lowest motile count we've had in the last two cycles. Only 39 Million total for both IUI's.
• I FUCKING hate Facebook. If its not a belly pic, it's finding out I wasn't invited to a Shower. Remember my "friend", who avoided me for four months then called me to tell me she was 19 weeks along? Well, it turns out she had a baby shower two weeks ago, that I wasn't invited to. I don't know that I would have gone - but it still would have been nice too have been given the choice. To be acknowledged, included. I was one of her bridesmaids for christsakes.
• The Mall sucks my ass. I was totally preoccupied this weekend and mistakenly ended up going there ON A SUNDAY. It's like a fucking Stroller Derby, and most of the "parents" leave their common sense, and courtesy in their fucking car.
• I hate knowing what pregnancy symptoms are. The last two dIUI cycles I was completely convinced I was pregnant. My symptoms were all over the place, and I just knew this had to be it. BUT NO. Here I am starting all over again. And I'm fucking getting pretty tired of it.
• Rage. I am tired of being angry, or sad. I just want to feel normal again. I want our old life back. I feel so worn out. How much longer do we have to endure this???

Fuck.

A Reprieve

Sorry it's taken so long to update. We were at the clinic long enough to have lunch and for me to read up to the part where Clare and Henry go to the Violent Femmes concert in, The Time Travelers Wife. Everybody can take a big deep breath. The ultrasound revealed one ginormous 23mm follicle. On my left side, thank you very much. WHEW! Hey, if you've never considered the actual size of a mature follicle, 25.4 mm is an inch. AN INCH. No fucking wonder I'm so uncomfortable before I ovulate. Man does that give me a new found respect for all you IVF ladies. Not that I didn't have any before, I just have a better frame of reference now. How do you all do it with multiple mature follies on each side?! I have ONE and I can feel it when I walk. Gah!

So, crisis averted. The doctor said my lining was beautiful, at a little over 9mm. He recommended going forward with the back to backs. So I'll go back in tomorrow morning for number IUI two. We had a count of 24 million motile swimmers today. Not too shabby. I called my acu lady Ms. B. She is going to make a special exception tomorrow, and open her office just for moi. That's a relief too!

Thank you all so very much for your comments and support. Sorry I was so dramatic, and that my grammar was so horrendous (with the: I'm like, and you're like, and we're all and I'm all), and that my cursing was so... profuse. But if you've read my blog before, you'd know I'm sort of a truck driver anyway.

Okay. I feel better. Holy moly, I'm exhausted. I had myself pretty wound up there. Oh crap, poor Brian. That must have been a hoot for him. Yay infertility.

Are You F'ing kidding me?!!!!!!!!!!

I got a positive OPK this morning..... THREEFUCKINGDAYSEARLY!!!!!!!!WHAT THE FUCK????!!!

I thought about testing yesterday, which was CD12 for me, but I was all NAH, should be fine- I'll just start tomorrow. So Last night around 10pm I started to feel the heaviness in my abdomen than I normally feel before I ovulate, but it was on my left side. Normally I only feel it on my right. But I brushed it off. I was like NAH it must be gas or something... So this morning I still had that heaviness and I though you know - I better test just in case. And BOOM a fucking positive Internet cheapie. And I was like NO FUCKING WAY!!!! So I managed to pee just a tiny bit more and used a CBE. Sure as shit, that little smiley is staring right back at me. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY???!!! I was four days late last month, now this?????

So you might be wondering why I'm freaking out so much. It's just a positive OPK,you say. Your clinic is open on the weekends at your service, you say. Well normally this heaviness that I'm feeling? I get the day AFTER my positive OPK. Say I get a positive in the afternoon on say Wednesday. Thursday morning I would go in for mu IUI, then THURSDAY night I would feel the Ovulation pains, and Friday morning go back in for another IUI. SO I'm thinking I'm a day behind!!!! Dr. RAWKS told me that the pain normally preceeds the actual ovulation. So seriously. I'm thinking I'm a day behind. FUCK!!!!

I just heard back from my IUI nurse, I told her the whole situation and she agrees with me that our timing may be off. FUCK. She said they will need to do an ultrasound and if they don't find a follicle then it might be too late, and we might have to skip this cycle. FUCK!!!!

A Legacy

I cannot believe it's September. Three months ago I assumed I would be welcoming this month with open arms and a decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte. Instead my heart aches for this summers swift passing. This is the third fall I have welcomed with nothing but failed cycles behind me and the end of another year ticking away like a metronome.

I love Fall. September 1st has always been important to me, something I looked forward to. But it is especially bittersweet now that we're involved in assisted cycles, and still have nothing to show for it. I feel like this year is slipping away and our chance for a 2010 baby is going with it...

Of course I'm still hopeful in the orthodox ways. I wouldn't be doing these IUI's and acupuncture if I didn't think they would work. I just feel like it's getting harder and harder to picture our life with a baby in it. Sometimes because it's just too painful to think about, and other times I'm sort of afraid to jinx it. How sad is that? Am I really at the point where I think day dreaming might actually destroy our chance at conceiving? My superstitions, much like my optimism, have become alarmingly erratic. Oh well.

On to good thoughts. And good things. Good things that spoil my diet.

This is my Grandmother. Every September we get together to bake apple pies. Everyone has a favorite dish cooked by a family member, and in mine, it's Grandma's apple pie. My affinity for her not-so-precise recipe runs so deeply that I won't even order apple pie at restaurants. They just never taste right.

Cooking is a huge part of the connection I share with my family. We usually plan out a menu before we even have an event to prepare it for. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday. My Grandmother is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. She is the epitome of a matriarch. Gracious and kind, but stern when it's called for. Warm, welcoming, and always there when you're in a bind. She's 84 and will totally kick your ass at Croquette. She and my grandfather helped my dad raise my brother and I. We grew up three blocks away and spent every day after school with them until High School. We're with them every holiday, and every special occasion. They have made me into the woman I am today, and this month the family will help them celebrate their 64th wedding anniversary.

Behold, the finished product. How do you make an apple pie pretentious? Monogram it.

Out of My Hands

Raise your hand if you've been lapped by The Duggars more than once. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Anyway, back to me and my bad attitude. Boo to round two!!! Third time better fucking be the charm, is all I'm sayin'. So contrary to the sad, sad picture I posted of Parker, I'm actually pretty pissed off. But the kind of pissed off that builds into sheer drive. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing I suppose, all of our laundry is done. Brian should be thrilled about that. But what do I do with this extra motivation? If motivation were enough to get me pregnant I'd be keeping pace with the Duggar's by now. The reality is I don't have any control of the outcome of my next IUI.

The moment I found out it didn't work I decided to create a new plan. I'm going to loose some weight! I proclaimed. I'll skip this cycle and shed what I can in the next six weeks! After I posted the results of my Big FAT Failure 2.0, I got a phone call from Teresa to see how I was doing. I told her I was frustrated, but that I had devised a plan. This is where she eloquently and ever-so-gently pointed out that, my "new plan" was actually my "new way of coping". I was trying to take control of something in this situation.

I had my first acupuncture appointment this morning since CD1. Ms. B looked at me with empathy and said, "Well you didn't expect to be one of those lucky bitches who gets it on the first try, did you?" I quickly reminded her that this was my second try and she succinctly blurted out "THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!" with a smile and patted the table. She'd better be right. Ms. B told me it couldn't hurt to loose a few pounds, but that my specific weight will not prevent me from getting pregnant. I don't need to skip a cycle to watch my diet, but nothing drastic. No crash diets, no death defying workout plans. I realize she is not my RE, but I still trust her opinion. So she plans to be a little more aggressive with this next cycle. I don't actually know how much more aggressive you can really be with acupuncture, but again... I trust her opinion. I'll begin a new vitamin and herbal suppliment regimen. She also doesn't think I should try a cycle with clomid, or injectables just yet. She says my body is doing the work, we're just waiting for the fireworks to happen.

Dr. RAWKS did tell us it would take up to six tries (gulp). I'm just so tired of waiting. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I've waited long enough! Haven't we all? I don't want to skip a cycle, and neither does Brian. We're going to move ahead this month. We won't be changing up the protocol much. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Now if only that fucking egg and sperm will do what it's supposed to!!!

On that note. Here is a picture that better represents Parker.

Our Monkey-dog in all of his cantankerous splendor.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Coming Soon!

Howdy ICLWer's! Welcome to my blog. Here is a brief account of our history via bullet point:

• We began TTC in August 2007.
• Diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility due to a chromosomal abnormality, in December 2008.
• After much, much, MUCH delibertion, we decided to use Donor over trying IVF w/ ICSI in March 2009.
• We are currently on our second cycle of dIUI's. Since all of my tests came back clear, our RE suggested starting with unmedicated cycles with back to back IUI's. So I go in for an IUI the morning I get a positive OPK, and then go back again the next day.
• If you'd like a more detailed description of our history you can check out my last ICLW welcome where I had a bit more time to devote to a proper introduction.

Which brings us to the current day, 5DPO. I am so ridiculously full of hope right now it's almost suicidal. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day (hi jess!) and I was explaining how with each IUI cycle my odds of getting pregnant go up. Ex. Dr.RAWKS thinks it will take about three cycles to get me pregnant, six at most. (My vote is for two, in case you were wondering) So the closer I get to three and six, the better my odds are of finally seeing that damned errant second line on an HPT. By the way I completely embrace the fact that this theory is both semi logical and irrationally based. But I'm sticking with it! I HAVE TO. So far hope is all we've got going for us. There are days where it feels like the lines between my determination to be a mother and my infatuation with seeing a positive pregnancy test, blur and I can't decide which one I want more at the moment.

So there it is. Our story in a nutshell.

I look forward to reading all about you!

Another Round

I went in this morning for my second IUI, and spent the rest of the day being completely useless. It was just as fabulous as it sounds. Seriously, it's almost 9pm and I am just getting around to writing this... The IUI went remarkably well, a little crampier than the last ones though. Between the two IUI's we have a total of 46 motile swimmers. They tell me with a frozen sample they hope for at least 10 million per IUI, so I'm feeling good about that.

As I mentioned before, I started up acupuncture again. I am a huge advocate of acupuncture. I did it for three months last year, long before our diagnosis, and although it didn't get me pregnant (because of MFI). I did notice a lot of improvements. My pms was very noticeably minimized, my digestion was more ... regular. And my feet weren't as cold as they normally were. I was able to see a vast improvement in these things about a month into treatment. Digestion wasn't even anything I complained about- It just got better. Aside from whatever the needles physically regulate or alleviate, I think that taking the time to meditate during each appointment is beneficial in itself. I focus on my breathing, and do my best to clear my head. TTC or not, I believe it's a healthy way to nurture mind and body.

The last place I went was an old timey Chinese medicine clinic. Complete with a display of decanters filled with mysteriously celestial looking ingredients. It was a family practice, mother and son. Clean, quiet, efficient. The reason I looked elsewhere was because I was hoping to find someone that focused more on reproductive health. Which is exactly what I found. I am really happy with my new clinic. It's a small place, I think there are only two practitioners. When I first sat down with Ms. B (I don't think she is technically a doctor but she's got a boat load of credentials according to the amount of initials after her name, and certificates on the wall) I told her that I was currently undergoing unmedicated IUI's. She asked about my basic medical history, and then more specifically about my reproductive medical history. I explained that as far as we knew there weren't any issues with me, and that we were dealing with MFI so we would be using a donor. She nodded and told me that she works with a lot of patients dealing with IF, and that 3 years ago, she and her partner used donor to conceive their now two year old twin sons. I was shocked, and thrilled. Someone who'd been there. Yes it was under entirely different circumstances, but still. It felt good to know someone else who knew what I was dealing with. She is sweet, and compassionate, and warm. She says things like "You're welks" (you're welcome). And she couldn't weigh more than 97 pounds. She's funny too. I feel good when I leave there. Her confidence is a little unnerving, but I sort of like that because it's nice to hear a medical professional be hopeful.

So we have two vials left in storage. Each cycle requires two. If it doesn't work this month I will immediately order 4-6 more, providing our donor is still available. And now that I think about it even if it does work I will order more for potential siblings.

And so begins another tww. Let's hope I can sustain a little clarity throughout the next 14-16 days. I honestly don't have any idea when my period will come because I ovulated six days later than normal.

P.S. I'd like to thank Daega99. She left me an Award on her site, but her comment profile lead me to inactive blog... Daega can you send me the link to your other blog, or if anyone else knows it - can you leave a link to it? Thanks!!!

Eureka

I'll call my clinic at 9am, and go in for the first of two IUI's.

It's about fucking time.

Stress Case

Alright. No more whining. It's time to get myself ready for this cycle. In preparation Brian and I spent the entire weekend doing a whole lot of nothing - in each others arms. We had a fantastic time being super lazy, it was just what I needed. Brian has been so amazing, I can't imagine waging this battle with anyone else. Part of the reason I had to stay so mellow was because I hurt my back. I had issues with it about two years ago, and it's been really sensitive every since. It tends to cramp up a lot whenever I am stressed or upset. I hadn't had flare up in a long time, but my big fat failure managed to do the trick. Awesome.

I also made the decision to start acupuncture again. I am going to see a different doctor than last time though. I found three practices within a mile of my office that specialize in reproductive care. I called today and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. They really prefer to start earlier in the cycle, but evidently any treatment is better than nothing at all. I did acupuncture for about three months months in 2008. WAY before our MFI diagnosis. I thought that the issues HAD to be on my side. I figured my CM was hostile or that I had a hormonal imbalance. My acupuncturist actually told me that other than my circulation being a little less than perfect, but my chi was okay, and that we should have an SA done. And I was like: Nah I think we'll wait on that, I am the problem.

Making this appointment reminded me of how much pressure I put on myself back then. And having one failed IUI has brought all of that back. Now I wonder how much of my stress may actually be part of the problem. Hopefully the acupuncture will help with all of that.

OMFG.

DID I REALLY JUST SUGGEST THAT RELAXING WILL MAKE ME GET PREGNANT?????!!!!

Jesus. I AM losing it.

My Big Fat Failure

I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.

I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nope

I woke this morning to a screaming migraine. Typical pms. Exce.drine migraine and a strong pot of coffee always helps clear it up, so I tested just to get it over with. BFN. Game over.

Thanks for all of your support this cycle.

Some Whining for Your Reading Pleasure

Okay. It's starting to get to me. I was so proud of myself the first week. I wasn't bothered by my tww in the least. But this point in my cycle is when the supposed "magic happens". IF a little embryo is able to implant, it will be in the next few days. And the idea that I will know our fate in less than a week is simply maddening. I hesitated even publishing this post, because acknowledging my anticipation is only going to fuel the fire.

Now all those tww's that I spent googling early symptoms is coming back to bite me - I suddenly wish I didn't know any of them. At least I know I can't fall back on the old sore boobs bit. Mine start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Yeah, that's just as much fun as it sounds. UGH.

Welcome!

Welcome ICLW Readers!

ICLW always puts me in a great mood! How could anyone not look forward to a little extra love? So here I am, 7DPO after our very first dIUI..........................................................This is me................ Doing a whole...... LOT......Of waiting...............Sound Familiar?

My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility a week before Christmas, 2008. This month officially marks my 24th cycle off of birth control, and I can honestly say I will NEVER go back on it again. After MUCH deliberation we chose DI, over IVF w/ ICSI. The choice to use donor insemination was definitely not an easy one, but there were several factors which made it the right option for us. With the abnormalities in his S/A's, we were concerned about the success rates vs the costs of a one time shot at IVF. Which leads us to the other deciding factor. Money. Or lack thereof, our insurance covers NOTHING. We have spent over $10,000 dollars in tests and procedures so far. I know that is a drop in the bucket compared to other folks out there, but it's still a lot. Getting the money for IVF would be extremely difficult, and would require an undefinable amount of time to save up for it. And to be honest, I wasn't sure I could wait that long or just how much more of this I could take. And as my husband finally put it: He just wants to be a dad.

We are very aware of that choosing DI is going to be a life long journey of challenges, including how to balance honesty and privacy/discretion. Helping our child understand just how very much they are loved, and wanted, and how and why we chose this route. And the particularly crunchy process of continually learning to accept the loss of a "biological child".

When I take the time to step back and look at our life. I'm able to see that Infertility and DI parenting were challenges that are in our lives for a reason. We will learn and grow from this experience, just like the rest of the adversities that life brings. I'd also like to do my part in getting rid of the stigma's that go along with Donor Sperm, by educating and cultivating acceptance - without being to preachy.

But back to the matters at hand... my TWW. My period is due next Tuesday the 28th. So far my plans are not to test until I'm late or suspiciously early. Still I wonder if I'll really be able to holdout. Especially because I just bought a box of HPT's. That's the funny thing. I'm too superstitious to look up my potential due date online, but I can't help myself from buying a pack of HPT's, even though I already have three in my bathroom. To be fair they are three different kinds. One left over Internet cheapie, one digital that I'm saving just so I can see the word "pregnant" - minus the not, for once. And also one EPT. ANYWAY, against my better infertile judgement, I'm decidedly hopeful. It also doesn't help that my good friend Katie just got her BFP and I'm so excited, you'd think it was mine! Oh, and I'll take all the crossed fingers I can get in the mean time if you wouldn't mind. Thanks!

My Turn

Well my first IUI went great this morning. Brian and I got there about 25 minutes early. That gave me enough time to drag him down to Pier 39, which is within walking distance from the clinic. It was gorgeous out, and the short walk helped take a little of the edge off. It's been pretty hot here lately, which made it especially difficult trying to get to sleep last night, with everything I had on my mind.

The procedure itself, as a many of you may know, was very quick. And to my surprise, cramp free. Dr. Rawks was as personable as ever. He gave us a brief description of the procedure then followed it up by saying, "and then you'll be pregnant, and back here for an ultrasound in no time". I LOVE him. He always says the right things... He gave us a breakdown on the donor's analysis. He was very happy with the counts. I'm holding off on listing them just yet, because I'm questioning whether we really heard him correctly, versus what the paperwork says. I'll explain more later...

I will go back in tomorrow morning for my second one, and my WONDERFUL husband will be joining me. I can't begin to explain the immense connection I felt with him while he held my hand as a laid on that table. He is so incredibly supportive, and I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm sure that in a few days my 2ww will feel all to familiar, but as of today it's a little surreal. I've been sitting on the sidelines for SO LONG that this just doesn't feel like it's real yet. It doesn't feel like it's my turn... But it is. It finally is.

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Update on number two!

I'm thrilled to report that everything went well, again. I had a different Doctor this morning because I requested an early appointment so Dr. Rawks wasn't available. But the other Doc was really nice too. I thought that total counts Dr. Rawks gave me yesterday seemed high, and looking at the paper work, it gave me two sets of numbers. I was just so frazzled with nerves yesterday that I could barely comprehend the numbers at all, let alone ask what exactly they meant. So the vials initially contained 105 Million yesterday, and 110 Million today. But the actual thawed count is much, MUCH lower. Between the two IUI's I have a total count of about 52 Million. Which my Doc today, said was REALLY great. They like to see at least 20 million per cycle for an IUI. So I'm happy overall. My timing was great. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night. Whew!

One cool thing, the doctor today had Brian come around and push the plunger on the catheter while I was in the stirrups. I realize how crazy that sounds, but it was actually kind of neat. She said she wanted him to "really be the one responsible for this pregnancy". It was sweet. On the way home Brian giggled and said something to the effect of being happy to be the one to knock me up after all. We laughed. It was really nice.

I am so, so hopeful right now. It's scary. But nice, to feel so free again.

Positivity

Last cycle I decided that I would use the cheapie OPK's (where you have to pee in a cup) as a fail safe to the CBE digital OPK's that my RE preferred. I have used the cheapies for a long time and felt pretty comfortable with them especially because the test line got progressively darker each test, so I was able to decipher when I would get a positive a day ahead of time. I started with the cheapies on Saturday, and began using the digital in addition, yesterday. This morning both tests were negative, although distinctively darker than yesterday. So as per my regular cycle, I'm thinking that I should get a positive this evening, or tomorrow morning. I really hesitated to use the digital OPK yesterday, they are so darn expensive, and I knew I wouldn't get a positive but I wanted to be a good little infertile and follow the RE's directions. Then I began to realize how silly I was being, beating myself up about wasting money by using the digital tests so early, despite the fact we are spending just under 2k on this cycle and I am pinching my pennies at 24 dollars in digital OPK's which are the deciding factor in scheduling my IUI... Looks like the irrational has showed up in record time. Oh but it gets worse...

So because my tests were dark this morning but still negative, I decide to take a cheapie to work and test again around 10am. So I did. And it's darker than this morning but not quite a positive. So I'm like what if that test was funky and didn't quite fill in? So I go home for lunch. Whip out the CBE digital. POAS. Leave it on the sink, and go heat up some leftovers. Come back a few minutes later to this:

Those little signs indicate an error with the digital portion of the tester. The instructions say that if you get this error you should go buy a new pack and use the unopened applicators with the new tester. Fucker. So I leave the bathroom cursing because I need to go buy more tests when I was already unhappy about using up these ones, only to enter the kitchen to find that my dog has eaten the rest of my lunch and is now halfway through a cube of butter. Fucker! So I put the dog out, curse at him, grab a Club Soda, and head to the store.

I get to the drug store and make my way to the pharmacy where they have the HPT's, lube, and OPK's on a prominent display. Grab the CBE digitals. Head to the pharmacy counter so that I can pay for them there instead waiting in line at the main register area, with all the other yahoo's. The girl at the counter seems mildly put out that I am not in fact picking up a prescription but just need to purchase an overpriced item. So she swipes the box of the counter and tells me that it will be $43.28 please. WHAT?! These fucking tests are DOUBLE what I pay for them on Amazon.com. FUCKER. The girl ringing me up actually speaks pleasantly to me while in my head, I argue with her over the price. I get back to work and wait until I have to pee again. 3:45 ish I head to the ladies room. And there it is. Clear as day, the smiley I 've been waiting for. So I put in a call to my clinic and wait for the IUI nurse to call me back.

At this point a new line of panic sets in, as I wonder if my positive test in the afternoon is going to mess with my timing. My RE's directions were very clear. Test in the morning. Call when you get a positive. I remember distinctly telling my IUI coordinator that I usually get a positive in the afternoon, and she didn't seem to concerned about it. But she IS NOT my RE. So I continue down the path of self sabotage and wonder if my timing is going to be way off. While in the back of my head I tell myself to be positive, and let the doctor determine whether the timing is off or not. UGH.

Anyway, my appointment is at 9:15am tomorrow morning. I will make sure to discuss this scenario with him, just in case there might me a next time, so we can change protocol. So wish me luck kids!!! I can use lots of good thoughts, prayers, juju, crossing of fingers, anything you've got!

If you have an IUI experience you'd like to share, I'd appreciate it!

My Forbidden Addiction

I think we've all been guilty of this from time to time. I'm sure I may have even admonished a few of you for what could be considered abuse. It's impossibly inviting, always available, and tremendously informative. It's Google. I am addicted to Google. Dear God, someone please remove it from my web browser, my iPhone, my home page, IF I SEE IT I'LL USE IT!!!

Today was exciting. And then sad. And then empty, because Brian forbid me to use google for the next few weeks. It was exciting because our "cargo" has been transferred to the clinic, without incident. They gave the count of about 60 Million per vial. But supposedly the thawed count will be lower. I spoke to my IUI coordinator today and she said that they will do a complete analysis before the IUI so that I have numbers to obsess over during my tww. That's where google comes in. It looks like our odds are significantly decreased with unmedicated cycles. We are looking at a 6 - 16% chance this cycle, depending on the final thawed counts. Seeing those numbers makes me want to call the clinic and order more vials, because they say it's four to eight cycles to get pregnant. Right now we have enough for three. Annnnd here comes the sad. It probably won't happen this cycle. I know it's early to seem like I'm losing hope. But I just need to be realistic about it.

I'm still happy that we are moving forward. I guess I just need to keep saying that. WE ARE MOVING FORWARD. Even if it doesn't work this time. We're doing something about it.

Gearing Up

Let the impatience begin. I am seriously counting down the minutes until Friday. Brian will be picking up our vials from the Cryo Bank that morning and delivering them via Nitrogen tank, to our clinic. We are super lucky that we are so close to a facility because shipping can cost anywhere from $200 - $500. We are only about 40 minutes away from the CB and the clinic is another 30 from there. He has an appointment with the CB at 9:30am and a scheduled delivery at 10:30 with our Clinic. I just want to know that our "cargo" is safely in the hands of our clinic, and ready to transfer to me next week.

We don't have a whole lot planned for this weekend, which by the way is my favorite kind of weekend, but I still feel like there is so much do to. Fortunately the bulk of that is pampering myself. Yeay. Late Saturday morning I will be meeting up with a very good childhood friend (Hey Weez!) She is one of the very few people I know IRL that are aware of this blog. We're going to do some serious window shopping and grab some lunch. Then later that afternoon I'm gonna get my hair did. Gotta get those highlights in before my tww. And SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, Brian and I are getting massages! Yahhooooo! I have a few Gift Certificates I was given for my birthday, so I'll be putting those towards 80 minutes of Toxin Releasing, Deep Tissue Massaging goodness. Brian is getting one because he works so very hard, and because he was so very jealous about my appointment. But he'll be getting 65 minutes. Ha.

OH MY GOD I forgot the most important part! I start OPKing Saturday morning! I should see a positive on Monday or Tuesday. So I'll go in for my back to back's as soon as I see that lovely smiley face! Sorry for all the exclamation points! But if you've read more than two of my posts, you'd know that I chronically over punctuate!!!! AND I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I AM SO VERY EXCITED TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!!