Of Voracity and Rage

My period is still MIA.

Today is CD23, precisely 15 days after I'm sure that thing ruptured. And I'm feeling, how shall I say it... A little punchy-stabby.

But if I'm being honest, I'd gauge it more along the lines of homicidal. It feels almost out of body. Like I can picture my rage in a box, and then I can see myself throwing my body over the top of it to protect those around me, lest it detonate and wipe out the greater Bay Area.

I'm hoping this is my body's way of saying "You're period will be here any second so you can get on with the debt-riddling-baby-making gig you've been planning on for the last 14 months, already..." Because I certainly don't think this has anything to do with Lupron. I've been on it for exactly 30 days now, without the slightest symptom (I'm lucky, I know). So this wrath is puzzling to me, because while I'm certainly capable of a little circumstantial rage, the volatility of my fury is very uncommon and just the slightest bit alarming.  

I'm also binging on sugar and grease like a suicidal junkie. I gave up all sources of caffeine including chocolate weeks ago, but the snarling voice in my head forced me to inhale half a bag of Valenti.nes Day Dov.e Chocolates that I got from the 50% off bin at the drug store. I am literally shaking from the excessive sugar and caffeine intake, but oddly enough I feel a little less like impaling the UPS guy with my letter opener, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.

I still don't understand what the hell is going on with my body. And there is literally nothing I can do until my period shows. Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments, now please send some menstrual thoughts my way because if things continue like this I fear for the safety of the people around me.

GOD SPEED AF, GOD SPEED.

Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

The Ass Kicking of a Lifetime

I'm going to be completely honest with you. Jillian Michaels made me cry.

Trembling bottom lip and everything.

On Saturday I started her 30 Day Shred Workout DVD, and OH. MAI. GAHD. I have never, EVER in my entire life been so sore. Head to toe. Wince when I walk, groan while getting out of bed, because sitting up actually requires abdominal muscles that I apparently have now. Anyway, I popped in the DVD late Saturday morning and listened to her little schpeal: "I'm awesome and strong and thin and you're not; so here's what I'm going to do about it", blah, blah,blah.

And then, it started.

Forty-seven seconds into the warm up I was already panting. Christ, I thought, only 19 minutes and 13 seconds to go - I CAN DO THIS!

So I did. But not without crying about sixteen minutes, and THREE different types of crunches later.

Something you should know about me.

I'm Norwegian.

I don't sweat.

Unless I'm sick. Or apparently about to collapse from exhaustion. (Seriously though, I never even have to wear deodorant.) But half way through this DVD, I was sweating like a whore in church. Pit stains and a stomach line, drenched in sweat. Alright, so maybe I can't blame the lack of sweating on being Norwegian. Maybe it's because I've just successfully maintained an exceedingly lethargic lifestyle for the last thirty-one years.

So I've worked out with this DVD everyday for the last four days. I'm following the lowest strength level, and so far it's not any easier for me than day one. It's probably even harder because my abs and quads are so sore that their tolerance is a lot lower. It's fucking hard man. By the end of the DVD I'm completely out of breath, sweating, trembling and bellowing with each of the slightest movements. But I'm going to keep doing it. Because it's good for me.

So this is the part where I'd tell you it was all worth it right? Today is Wednesday, weigh-in day. This is where I go on and on about how it was all worth my diet, sweat, and tears. But instead I'm sort of speechless. I only lost 0.5lbs.

I worked SO hard this last week. It just doesn't make sense. I have exercised Every. Single. Day. since last Thursday, and have almost nothing to show for it. My eating was good, I stayed right within the amount of calories I'm supposed to, I don't get it. I feel so, so defeated right now.

Nope.

I can't even begin to express my sadness and frustration. I don't know how fucking much more disappointment I can take. We are swiftly running out of emotional and financial resources to continue doing this. I feel helpless.

How could it be negative?

We had every odd in our favor. I had two giant follicles, perfect timing, and a decent motile count.

I'm so infuriated.

So defeated.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Anyone?

I've been on kind of a rage bender since CD1. The slightest of things set me off. Here is a completely unwarranted rant, all IF related mind you -via bullet point.

• My boobs are killing me. I hate that they start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Two whole weeks of sore boobs. That's 26weeks a year!!! Not only is it uncomfortable but it means I'm in my tww. Which only induces insanity and helps to notify me of impending heartache.
• Even though we ended up getting the timing right, I don't have a great feeling about this cycle... The timing was right on my last two cycles and look where that got us. AND, we had the lowest motile count we've had in the last two cycles. Only 39 Million total for both IUI's.
• I FUCKING hate Facebook. If its not a belly pic, it's finding out I wasn't invited to a Shower. Remember my "friend", who avoided me for four months then called me to tell me she was 19 weeks along? Well, it turns out she had a baby shower two weeks ago, that I wasn't invited to. I don't know that I would have gone - but it still would have been nice too have been given the choice. To be acknowledged, included. I was one of her bridesmaids for christsakes.
• The Mall sucks my ass. I was totally preoccupied this weekend and mistakenly ended up going there ON A SUNDAY. It's like a fucking Stroller Derby, and most of the "parents" leave their common sense, and courtesy in their fucking car.
• I hate knowing what pregnancy symptoms are. The last two dIUI cycles I was completely convinced I was pregnant. My symptoms were all over the place, and I just knew this had to be it. BUT NO. Here I am starting all over again. And I'm fucking getting pretty tired of it.
• Rage. I am tired of being angry, or sad. I just want to feel normal again. I want our old life back. I feel so worn out. How much longer do we have to endure this???

Fuck.

Out of My Hands

Raise your hand if you've been lapped by The Duggars more than once. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Anyway, back to me and my bad attitude. Boo to round two!!! Third time better fucking be the charm, is all I'm sayin'. So contrary to the sad, sad picture I posted of Parker, I'm actually pretty pissed off. But the kind of pissed off that builds into sheer drive. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing I suppose, all of our laundry is done. Brian should be thrilled about that. But what do I do with this extra motivation? If motivation were enough to get me pregnant I'd be keeping pace with the Duggar's by now. The reality is I don't have any control of the outcome of my next IUI.

The moment I found out it didn't work I decided to create a new plan. I'm going to loose some weight! I proclaimed. I'll skip this cycle and shed what I can in the next six weeks! After I posted the results of my Big FAT Failure 2.0, I got a phone call from Teresa to see how I was doing. I told her I was frustrated, but that I had devised a plan. This is where she eloquently and ever-so-gently pointed out that, my "new plan" was actually my "new way of coping". I was trying to take control of something in this situation.

I had my first acupuncture appointment this morning since CD1. Ms. B looked at me with empathy and said, "Well you didn't expect to be one of those lucky bitches who gets it on the first try, did you?" I quickly reminded her that this was my second try and she succinctly blurted out "THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!" with a smile and patted the table. She'd better be right. Ms. B told me it couldn't hurt to loose a few pounds, but that my specific weight will not prevent me from getting pregnant. I don't need to skip a cycle to watch my diet, but nothing drastic. No crash diets, no death defying workout plans. I realize she is not my RE, but I still trust her opinion. So she plans to be a little more aggressive with this next cycle. I don't actually know how much more aggressive you can really be with acupuncture, but again... I trust her opinion. I'll begin a new vitamin and herbal suppliment regimen. She also doesn't think I should try a cycle with clomid, or injectables just yet. She says my body is doing the work, we're just waiting for the fireworks to happen.

Dr. RAWKS did tell us it would take up to six tries (gulp). I'm just so tired of waiting. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I've waited long enough! Haven't we all? I don't want to skip a cycle, and neither does Brian. We're going to move ahead this month. We won't be changing up the protocol much. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Now if only that fucking egg and sperm will do what it's supposed to!!!

On that note. Here is a picture that better represents Parker.

Our Monkey-dog in all of his cantankerous splendor.

Postive OPK - MIA

Okay, sorry I've been slacking. I've been busy...and stuff, I guess. I don't really have a good excuse. Can you forgive me?

So here's my latest update via bullet point.

• I should have gotten a positive OPK yesterday. My cycle for the most part is extraordinarily regular. (I realize that I am lucky)
• Today is CD16 of 31.
• I ran out of the unreasonably expensive Cle.ar.Blu.e.Easy digital OPK's this morning. I can normally get by with 3 or 4 per cycle, because I am SUPPOSEDLY that regular. (My RE prefers that I use that brand)
• I normally buy them from Amazon.com because they are cheaper and I like the privacy and convenience of having them shipped to my house. I went to THREE different stores trying to find more. I went to two this morning before work finally ending up at Targ.et on my lunch, where I found out they cost TEN dollars LESS than the other two stores I went to. And it turns out the Target price is about the same as amazon.
• I looked back at my outlook calendar over the last TWO years where I efficiently marked the day that I ovulated and the day when AF showed. I got positive OPK's on CD18 three times within that time frame. My period then was effectively pushed back three days.
• Fortunately my clinic is open on the weekends so I'm not worried about the fact that I may have to do it then. And actually it's more convenient that way because I won't have to take time off work. (currently doing unmedicated dIUI's)
• I am SUPER annoyed with this delay.

Sorry for the ranting and unwarranted bitchiness. I just want to get this show on the road, ya know???

*********************

Update 8/12/2009 at 11:54am PST

The only second line I have ever seen is failing me. Still NO positive.

I should also say that I was not in anyway stressed or concerned about this cycle before yesterday. I was feeling pretty indifferent actually.

I have been testing 3-4 times per day since Sunday (CD13), so there is NO way that I missed my peak. Also I get cramps and pressure before I ovulate, and I've had none. CM has disappeared as well. Not that there was much of it in the last few days anyway.

Could this be my first annovulatory cycle???

Maybe I should just stick with Clare's comment...

When you need a friend

A few weeks ago I wrote about some good friends who got pregnant on their first try. I wrote about how devastated I was. How even thought I knew that they were trying, hearing their news sent me over the edge. I literally bawled the moment I got in my car to leave work that evening. And I didn't stop until much later that night. These friends of mine are very aware of our situation and gave me the news as gently as possible. We've had them over for dinner since then and although they were careful and asked us more about our current status than they reported of their own, I couldn't help but feel resentful. Her very presence alone was enough to crush my spirit. To break my already wounded heart.

Flip that coin over and you'll find the friends we haven't spoken to since they called us with their happy news. These were friends we traveled to another country with. And spent every Cinco De Mayo with. And saw on a pretty regular basis up until now. In January they suffered a miscarriage. I made it a point to be as supportive as I could. I called up the wife and had a super girly day with her. During our lunch I told her how sorry I was for her loss and then I confided in her all of the infertility issues we'd been dealing with. I told her that I knew she would be pregnant again in no time and that she shouldn't be afraid to tell us when that time comes. She was grateful for my sympathy and empathic to our situation. She asked questions delicately, and told me to call her when I had a bad. I haven't physically seen her since that day. The last time I spoke with her was when she called to tell us that she was pregnant, and 19 weeks along. 19 weeks. We live 6 miles apart. She and her husband have been avoiding us since they found out. They skipped the surprise birthday party in March, that Brian threw for me. And in between the time when they were passed the 12 week mark and when they finally called us, Brian saw them twice. They didn't say a thing. Brian even asked the husband how things were going and the husband blew it off and said they hadn't been trying. Brian has called them a few times and they haven't returned a single call.

Another close friend of mine got married in May and simultaneously announced her abandonment of birth control, just called me today. Out of the blue. She wants to hang out. LIKE SOON. It's pretty obvious that yet another announcement is headed our way. Great.

Infertility changes so many things in our lives. Why does it have to mess with our friendships??? Why does it alienate us from our friends when we need them most???

I hate it but I feel like I'm being left behind. Again. I was just so sure that my first IUI was going to work. I thought about how I'd be far enough along to tell our families on Brian's birthday. Now I feel like we're still months away from anything. This fucking sucks.

Speaking of things that really fucking suck. Please give some love to Kerri at Will not work for Baby. Her IVF cycle failed, and she is understandably broken hearted, as am I for her...

My Big Fat Failure

I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.

I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nope

I woke this morning to a screaming migraine. Typical pms. Exce.drine migraine and a strong pot of coffee always helps clear it up, so I tested just to get it over with. BFN. Game over.

Thanks for all of your support this cycle.

I Feel the Need...

The need for speed. I've found myself becoming increasingly impatient with the idea of waiting until fall to make any plans for conceiving our bundle of screaming, pooping joy. So what's holding us back? Just a little thing called MAKING UP OUR DAMN MINDS.

We're still sort of on the IVF train, but I have to admit something. I am terrified. I am mortified by the thought of giving myself shots in the stomach for weeks at a time, and I'm greatly concerned for the hormonal fluctuations that come along with it. I am almost so completely frozen with fear at the idea of it not being successful, that in my tiny, scrambled, little brain you can hear me trying to talk myself out of IVF all together. I know that 15-20k, isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things, but right now it seems like a fortune. FIFTEENFUCKINGTHOUSANDDOLLARS. GAH! It makes me light headed just thinking about it.

I'm tortured by the fact that not wanting to do IVF makes me feel like I am taking the easy way out. LIKE ANY OF THESES CHOICES ARE EASY! Every time I begin to coo at the tiny, one thousand dollar invoice for DI, I suddenly remember why I don't want to do that either. And I wince while the breath is knocked out of me again. How dare I choose a stranger's biology over my husbands?! It makes me feel unfaithful, and lazy. Am I so weak that I will gladly side step the sacrifices and exertion of scrimping and saving every penny for instant gratification? 

I want a baby now, but I'm so torn by how to get there. Brian says he is still very open to both options but I can't help but feel like he's not telling me everything. And not because he can't or won't but because he hasn't truly explored all of his feelings himself. And I need to know everything. Every detail, every concern or reservation. Nothing can go left unsaid. Before I go any further, it's just something I need. 

If you're pregnant, drop everything you're doing and throw it in my face please

I know it's because I'm hypersensitive to it right now but GOOD GOD other peoples pregnancy news is EVERYWHERE. In the last week I have purposefully avoided the regular sites that I go to because I needed a break from hearing about anything to do with reproduction. Then at lunch today I decided to give people.com a once over and the top story is Pete Wentz calling his newborn son "A Happy Accident". That's fantastic. I quickly closed the browser and figured I'd go to one website where I could find someone struggling like me, someone who like 19 days ago posted about getting her period, someone I didn't think would now be posting about morning sickness. The Infertility Diaries at Redbook.com. Evidently the period she posted about was implantation bleeding. I know that I should be happy for her, but today- I am not. I know my last post was pretty pathetic and sad. But I hope that this one exudes anger. I'm so angry and frustrated and exhausted from feeling my feelings and thinking about getting pregnant and more over, not being pregnant. I really want to scream. I just feel so jaded. I feel done. Like it may never happen for us and I'm okay with that it if means I can get my life back. My train of thought back. My emotions under control, or at the very least reasonably contained. FUCK.

Nope: with 50% more cynicism

The only way you can really be helpful when talking to a friend or family member who is having issues trying to get pregnant is by listening. Here are a few pearls of wisdom that have been passed my way:

"One Year isn't that long."
Shut up, yes it is. Infertility robs you of many things, contentment and sanity being the main ones. On top of that it forces you to live in two week increments: The two weeks before you ovulate and the two week wait to see if your attempt was successful. Again.

"Stop worrying about it."
Not only is that comment not constructive in any way, but you are basically telling me my feelings of frustration and sadness aren't valid. Piss off.

"Your day will come"
Don't patronize me with your optimism. My own didn't get me pregnant, what makes you think yours will?

And while I'm on my soapbox, DON'T ask people when they are going to have kids. If they haven't offered the details on their life altering decisions, they probably don't want to be interrogated by your ignorant ass.

Nope.

Menses - men·ses - \Men"ses\ mehn-sees
pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)

• A period. Cyclic (monthly) flow of blood (menstruation) signifying ovulation, but failure to achieve pregnancy.

•  Menses - the monthly discharge of blood from the uterus of nonpregnant women from puberty to menopause.
  

Nope.

UGH.

When Anger is an Understatement

Normally I would have titled this entry "Nope", but today I find my self ravaged with anger and unable to do so. Surprisingly, not because I'm not pregnant, but just from good old fashioned pms. I am partially writing this entry in hopes that it may come in handy for my defense lawyer during my trial for mass murder. Everyone in my office is in danger. So let this be a warning. I noticed it a little last night, but by this morning it was full blown wrath. Poor Brian, I'm sure he noticed it "a little" too. So if we meet on the street or in a supermarket please be advised that my fury is hazardous to your health, and you would be wise to proceed accordingly. Fortunately for everyone else by 5:30pm tonight I will be halfway through a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and unable to remove myself from the couch.

*For additional legal purposes, I'm going to denote my use of sarcasm in this entry. I'm not really going to kill anyone, I am just currently consumed by my pms. This was only a joke.

I don't know why but I can hear Frank Somerville reading that last part on the 10 O'Clock news, in my head.

Putting Aside My Feelings...

I just want to say how lovely it is to know four women that are pregnant right now. Well five if you count Angelina Jolie. But I don't know her that well so I shouldn't count her right?

I wasn't sure how to properly convey a sarcastic inflection in that statement. But I would guess you figured it out.

Anyway, with all disdain aside: Congratulations Claudia, Kelly, Tammy, and Chrissy. And to the Carver's, proud parents of a baby boy: Joseph Edward Carver,V. I can't wait to meet you.