Introducing...

Sa.wyer Rob.ert Re.if was born this morning at 4:29 am. I am thoroughly honored to say that I was a witness to his birth. I am also however, thoroughly exhausted. So please excuse any fragmented sentences, as I will not be able to accurately edit this until I get out of bed. Next week.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is Sawyer's mommy. She invited me to witness this indescribable miracle, not because we're close enough that she wouldn't be embarrassed if I saw her spread eagle while groaning through labor, but to motivate me to move on already with a plan for our own family. I would imagine she thought that witnessing childbirth would be enough of an instigation to get my ass in gear. Little does she know that the invitation alone is part of what helped move me along. Brian and I made a decision about a week ago.

I was concerned at first. When she asked me I was completely stunned and told her I would have to think about it. I was a little terrified what that experience might do to my jumbled, infertility laden brain. Could I handle seeing a brand new baby placed on his mother's chest for the very first time? Would it break me? Would I fall apart?

The answers are yes and no, respectively. It was without question, a life changing experience. And I can't thank her and her husband enough for allowing me to share it with them.

Brian and I will be using Donor Insemination to start our family. It was the toughest decision we have ever had to make as a couple. We deliberated carefully between our options. The further we broke things down, the more apparent it became that we had base our decision on practicalities. IVF is financially, just plain out of reach for us. We could spend the next two to three years scrounging to save for a 40-60% chance, while my biological clock moves along unwavered by our less than supple pocket books... We could refinance our mortgage and be encumbered by a new, and inevitably higher payment. Which would only lead Brian to work more hours - and if you don't know Brian, he already works longer and harder on a daily basis, than anyone I've ever met. And I couldn't do this without him. I don't mean change diapers and wash bottles and do laundry. I mean I couldn't relish a family we went through so much to attain, without him by my side. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and feeling the baby kick. Watching first steps and introducing new foods... I won't even consider taking that away from him.

The other factors include the success percentages versus our specific diagnosis of severe MFI. While Y Chromosome Microdeletion was ruled out, there is the possibility of other genetic or chromosomal errors that we had to take into consideraion.

So, I feel good. Brian and I have been giving each other the those silly, knowing, little smiles that we did when we first started trying. Talking about names again and possible dues dates. When I'm in his arms it's incredibly easy to feel hopeful, and even blissful about the idea of FINALLY becoming parents. But when I'm alone, or laying awake in bed, the uneasiness creeps in. I think about the stories of failed DI by IUI, that are unexplained and ultimately leave the couple with IVF as their only other option. I probably sound ridiculous and you're thinking I shouldn't torture myself with the "what if's" and also, that I whine an awful lot. The problem is, I already know what its like to have the rug pulled out from underneath me. Like when I kept telling myself "It can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive"...Well we all know how that turned out, DON'T WE.

We don't yet have an exact start date, it's definitely several months away. I really would like to elaborate on that but the drool on my keyboard tells me it's time to wrap things up and hit the sack. I've been up since 1am. I wonder if this exhaustion is anything close to what I will feel in my first trimester? I can't wait to compare it.

Me, Me, Me

I came back to check out my last post. I usually reread them a few days later. There are always typo's that I missed, or sentence structures I end up changing. But this time I feel the need to explain a few things in the last post. Number one: I was having a bad day, childlessly speaking. Number two: There is almost no right way to tell an infertile couple that you're expecting. Maybe I shouldn't be generalizing, but what I'm trying to say is that you, the fertile, can't win. No matter where you tell me, or what you say, I am going to feel a loss. You know why? Because it's ALL ABOUT ME. I live in a far off distant land, where your pregnancy news makes me think about my empty spare bedroom. I don't like it here. I hate that my friend's joy only reminds me of what I'm missing. But I can't help myself. So when you tell me that you're pregnant, and I congratulate you with a smile. Please know that any sadness in my eyes has nothing to do with you. It's all about me.


P.S. There is an unruly double standard that also applies, I'm usually very excited for people dealing with infertility who finally become pregnant.

Compassion Vs. Candor

Is it Jealousy? Is it resentment? Or is it just the fact that I feel like we are being lapped on the race track to pregnancy? I know it's not a competition, but when I hear about another one of our friends becoming pregnant, I feel combative, and belligerent. I feel left out.

In addition to telling our friends about our situation, we also express how important it is for them to be open about telling us when they're time has come or come again. That they shouldn't worry or hesitate. But is a little sensitivity to much to ask? Am I being unreasonable, like someone who's short preferring to be called "vertically challenged"? I hate the idea of people walking over eggshells for me, but I'd also rather they not pour acid on the gaping abscess over my heart. I know the world at large isn't going to stop multiplying just because a certain percentage of us can't. I would never begrudge a friend the gift of a family, nor would I wish them the torment of infertility. I fully acknowledge that our situation is by no means hopeless, and that for right now we have made the decision to take some time before pursuing treatments. But that doesn't make it sting any less when a friend tells us they're pregnant. A part of me knows that I should just suck it up, I should be happy for them... So lets just call a spade, a spade here: I'm going to smile on the outside, while I crumble a little on the inside.

If you're pregnant, drop everything you're doing and throw it in my face please

I know it's because I'm hypersensitive to it right now but GOOD GOD other peoples pregnancy news is EVERYWHERE. In the last week I have purposefully avoided the regular sites that I go to because I needed a break from hearing about anything to do with reproduction. Then at lunch today I decided to give people.com a once over and the top story is Pete Wentz calling his newborn son "A Happy Accident". That's fantastic. I quickly closed the browser and figured I'd go to one website where I could find someone struggling like me, someone who like 19 days ago posted about getting her period, someone I didn't think would now be posting about morning sickness. The Infertility Diaries at Redbook.com. Evidently the period she posted about was implantation bleeding. I know that I should be happy for her, but today- I am not. I know my last post was pretty pathetic and sad. But I hope that this one exudes anger. I'm so angry and frustrated and exhausted from feeling my feelings and thinking about getting pregnant and more over, not being pregnant. I really want to scream. I just feel so jaded. I feel done. Like it may never happen for us and I'm okay with that it if means I can get my life back. My train of thought back. My emotions under control, or at the very least reasonably contained. FUCK.

Lucky #6

Its an epidemic...

Congratulations Teresa and John. Love you.

Eveready

I feel slightly uninspired to write, but also somewhat obligated. I want to stop thinking about all the baby stuff, but I am constantly reminded of it.

I was looking around online a few weeks ago and came across this forum that discussed the issues women face while trying to become pregnant. In order to partake in the discussion I had to register with the site. Well some how my account information got messed up and it shows my profile as already being a mom, and they now send me emails on other discussions Mom's have and sales on baby items. For some reason I am unable to change my profile or unsubscribe to their relentless emails. It keeps telling me there is an error of some sort. I even emailed the "tech help" section and they sent me step by step instructions that have no use or meaning to me. So I am subjected to a daily reminder that I have no need for any baby items that are now 30-50% OFF!!!

Its also raining babies among our various social circles. I found out yet another couple is expecting their first. Congratulations Mike and Boo. I mean that. I think. Yeah, I do. I'm not bitter anymore. Oh yeah, that's number 5 by the way- if anyone else is keeping count.

I think on the "bad days" I just feel a little blue. But it is really much better than it has been. I dream about it pretty often, a couple of days ago I had this dream that a woman was telling me I was going to have a boy next month. I couldn't quite remember or interpret if I was already pregnant or what... But it was intriguing at the very least. Most of my dreams have to do with me already having a baby or telling people I'm pregnant but I wouldn't be showing yet. So I can only hope that it's a foreshadow of some sort. Then again talking about it makes me feel like I might be jinxing it. Whatever. So in the meantime - I'll be waiting.

Putting Aside My Feelings...

I just want to say how lovely it is to know four women that are pregnant right now. Well five if you count Angelina Jolie. But I don't know her that well so I shouldn't count her right?

I wasn't sure how to properly convey a sarcastic inflection in that statement. But I would guess you figured it out.

Anyway, with all disdain aside: Congratulations Claudia, Kelly, Tammy, and Chrissy. And to the Carver's, proud parents of a baby boy: Joseph Edward Carver,V. I can't wait to meet you.