Are Ya Gonna?

They're starting to ask questions. Friends, Family, Neighbors, and nosey effing strangers.

Are you going to have more children?

When is number two?

Do you think you want more children?

If you're going to have more, you better get started! TICK, TICK, TICK!

Hey people, guess what? It's six years later and my opinion hasn't changed. The status of occupancy in my hooha is really none of your effing business.

I will say that having a child has softened me as well as helped me become A LOT more tactful, so I of course do not speak to anyone that way. And heck, on a good day, I can even see that what they are asking isn't really all that unreasonable. But I still feel like it's pretty private information, and mostly make it a habit not to ask anyone of their plans. And I guess really, I don't mind when close friends ask. But when strangers and certain family members ask, I feel like the only right answer is: YES! Of course we'll have more!!! And if I say: No, or we're not sure yet, it means we don't actually like children enough to deal with more than one...  I also feel compelled to explain how much and how long it took us to just get Leah. And how grateful we are to at least have her.

But to be completely honest here, Brian and I have been going back and forth a lot lately. With no immediate decisions or actions made. The consensus (fortunately) is that we feel pretty fulfilled with just having Leah. We do have one frozen embryo, but we don't know when or if we are going to use it. 

Yet. 

At all?

We have a lot of reasons not to go forward with it, but only a few, albeit VERY strong reasons to use it.

My Internal Arguments are as follows:

I would love to have another baby!
counter: But I do feel complete with our family the way it is.

I truly loved every second of being pregnant. Even the vomitous, sleepless, achy parts.
While that statement is completely accurate, it was actually really hard on my body physically. I have had pretty chronic issues with my back for years, and pregnancy didn't help it. And having a little one to pick up and carry around daily has perpetuated the physical strain. Regular Chiropractic care and stretching is an absolute must, and even with diligence in both of those areas, I have had a few significant episodes. And yes, we are still working out religiously two-three times a week. Which has helped SO much.

It would be great to have a sibling for Leah, since she won't have any first cousins, and both our families are relatively small already.
I feel like we could provide pretty well for Leah, if we were to only have one child. Two, and they would each have to be partially be responsible for their college tuition. (not the end of the world) But it wouldn't just be college. It would mean Brian and I would both probably have to work a lot longer, possibly well into our retirement years. Something neither of us may physically be able to do.

We chose to create embryo's and I feel a certain responsibility to use the one remaining guy (or girl!) that we have.
I literally lose my breath when I think about setting foot in my RE's office. The thought of lab tests - and waiting for the dreaded results, dildo cams,  PIO shots, having a black and blue stomach from weeks of heparin shots, driving 60 miles round trip for Intralipid infusions once per week - at $550 a pop for an unforeseen amount of time -tho no more than 17 weeks (if I got pg). Not to mention the fact that every single item I listed would be a 100% out of pocket expense. We're looking at 7-9k, easy. Just for an FET. And all I can think about is how that money could be better spent, than gambling it, and IT IS A GAMBLE; gambling it on the possibility of having another child. (BUT HOW CAN YOU PUT A PRICE ON THAT?!?) It could also mean I  wouldn't be able to stay home with them... 

Really when I boil it down, at this point - I want to NOT go through anymore treatments MORE than I want another baby. If that makes sense. And all at the same time I am grateful that we even have another embryo to get to make this choice.

The good news is, my embryo was made when I was 32. I'll be 35 next year, and in my mind I'm okay with trying it as late as 37. So I don't have to make any decisions today. The Bad news? I guess I'll just have to keep fielding the questions for the next three-ish years....

20 Months!

Dearest Leah,

Oh, my sweetest baby girl. I'm not sure how to say this. 

It's been a rough month. 

Molars.

Growth Spurt. 

Newly Found Freedoms... And apparently, opinions. 

Let's start with the Molars. One day a few weeks ago, you started the day off a little cranky, and by the end of the day I noticed a low grade fever. Then around 1am that night, you woke up crying and wouldn't go back down. Your fever went away in the following 36 hours, but the night wakefulness and crankiness were constant for about 5-6 days. I would try to slip you some tylenol in your sippy cup, but you weren't eating or drinking much. Just snacking occasionally, and drinking water throughout the day. When you'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd go in with an army of blankets and pillows and set up camp on your glider - which thankfully reclines. And we'd lay there and glide with you until you were calm enough to get back in your crib.

As soon as that cleared up you went straight into a growth spurt and slept constantly. One night you slept 15 hours straight. And there were three days where you slept almost 21 hours a day including your naps. When you'd wake up in the morning you were still tired, so your dad and I would take turns going in to lay in the glider with you. And you'd sleep another 30-40 minutes with us. While it was a bummer to see you not quite yourself, there was a small part of me that reveled in the snuggle time. 

And the next week, your sleep was back on track but you ate all day, everyday. Constantly hungry, not 20 minutes after any meal you were asking for more food - "Nom, Nom?" You'd say with the inflection of a question? I'd laugh and say "Are you SERIOUSLY hungry again, monkey???" And you'd reply with an emphatic "NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM!" And sure enough, I'd get you a banana and you'd finish every last bite of it. Giggling every time I'd offer you another piece. 

And throughout this time there reigned a level of crankiness, the likes of which I'd never seen. If there was ever a request of you, that you didn't happen to agree with, you made your feelings blatantly obvious.  There was one evening when it took us ninety minutes to get home from the store because I physically, could not get you into the car. (I'd hurt my shoulder pretty badly - I'm fine now.) But it was so bad I could not get you into the car, you'd buck and scream and cry and I just had to deal with it. We were walking back to the car through an outdoor - I don't even know what you call it - It's like a long grassy knoll, with an Olympic length water feature, and a couple of bridge like walkways. Any way, each time I'd try to get you back to the car you crouch down like this:

And if we were on a walk and you didn't feel like walking or letting me carry you - which KILLED my shoulder, you'd do this:

Time to change your diaper? I don't think so: 

You'd flip over and scream bloody murder. 

Again, bad shoulder... Made it difficult to correct you. 

And just when it got to be too much. I had called your pediatrician to ask about disciplinary book recommendations for toddlers. Because I couldn't take it anymore. And the very next day; Was just the best day ever. 

That morning we started your swim class again, and you LOVED it. Then we went to the farmers market. We ate croissants and apples, and tailgated with sippy cups and a mocha for me. The weather was gorgeous. It was just awesome. And though the rest of the day was uneventful, I can't remember a day when we'd ever laughed so much. 

While you're still not using your words as much as I'd like, I can see your wheels turning. And you're mimicking phrases, and I'm working on sign language with you. We're getting there.

YOu're also starting to show a bit more interest in the potty, and you frequently sit down on your potty while momma is on one too. 

Your daddy had been working like a mad man lately, so we trying to get down to the office every day to see him. And sometimes we can steal him away long enough to get to the near by park. But he also does his best to sleep in with us a couple times during the week (7am is sleeping in for him), and that way we can wake up and have breakfast together! 

So again, this month has been a bit challenging but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And we're both doing our best to figure everything out! We'll get there, I promise!

Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Love, 

momma