Are Ya Gonna?

They're starting to ask questions. Friends, Family, Neighbors, and nosey effing strangers.

Are you going to have more children?

When is number two?

Do you think you want more children?

If you're going to have more, you better get started! TICK, TICK, TICK!

Hey people, guess what? It's six years later and my opinion hasn't changed. The status of occupancy in my hooha is really none of your effing business.

I will say that having a child has softened me as well as helped me become A LOT more tactful, so I of course do not speak to anyone that way. And heck, on a good day, I can even see that what they are asking isn't really all that unreasonable. But I still feel like it's pretty private information, and mostly make it a habit not to ask anyone of their plans. And I guess really, I don't mind when close friends ask. But when strangers and certain family members ask, I feel like the only right answer is: YES! Of course we'll have more!!! And if I say: No, or we're not sure yet, it means we don't actually like children enough to deal with more than one...  I also feel compelled to explain how much and how long it took us to just get Leah. And how grateful we are to at least have her.

But to be completely honest here, Brian and I have been going back and forth a lot lately. With no immediate decisions or actions made. The consensus (fortunately) is that we feel pretty fulfilled with just having Leah. We do have one frozen embryo, but we don't know when or if we are going to use it. 

Yet. 

At all?

We have a lot of reasons not to go forward with it, but only a few, albeit VERY strong reasons to use it.

My Internal Arguments are as follows:

I would love to have another baby!
counter: But I do feel complete with our family the way it is.

I truly loved every second of being pregnant. Even the vomitous, sleepless, achy parts.
While that statement is completely accurate, it was actually really hard on my body physically. I have had pretty chronic issues with my back for years, and pregnancy didn't help it. And having a little one to pick up and carry around daily has perpetuated the physical strain. Regular Chiropractic care and stretching is an absolute must, and even with diligence in both of those areas, I have had a few significant episodes. And yes, we are still working out religiously two-three times a week. Which has helped SO much.

It would be great to have a sibling for Leah, since she won't have any first cousins, and both our families are relatively small already.
I feel like we could provide pretty well for Leah, if we were to only have one child. Two, and they would each have to be partially be responsible for their college tuition. (not the end of the world) But it wouldn't just be college. It would mean Brian and I would both probably have to work a lot longer, possibly well into our retirement years. Something neither of us may physically be able to do.

We chose to create embryo's and I feel a certain responsibility to use the one remaining guy (or girl!) that we have.
I literally lose my breath when I think about setting foot in my RE's office. The thought of lab tests - and waiting for the dreaded results, dildo cams,  PIO shots, having a black and blue stomach from weeks of heparin shots, driving 60 miles round trip for Intralipid infusions once per week - at $550 a pop for an unforeseen amount of time -tho no more than 17 weeks (if I got pg). Not to mention the fact that every single item I listed would be a 100% out of pocket expense. We're looking at 7-9k, easy. Just for an FET. And all I can think about is how that money could be better spent, than gambling it, and IT IS A GAMBLE; gambling it on the possibility of having another child. (BUT HOW CAN YOU PUT A PRICE ON THAT?!?) It could also mean I  wouldn't be able to stay home with them... 

Really when I boil it down, at this point - I want to NOT go through anymore treatments MORE than I want another baby. If that makes sense. And all at the same time I am grateful that we even have another embryo to get to make this choice.

The good news is, my embryo was made when I was 32. I'll be 35 next year, and in my mind I'm okay with trying it as late as 37. So I don't have to make any decisions today. The Bad news? I guess I'll just have to keep fielding the questions for the next three-ish years....

Wouldn't It Be Nice...

Since the day I brought Leah home from the hospital I have been counting my lucky stars. Even now I can hardly fathom the fact that she is my daughter. I wake up every morning excited and astonished to greet the baby babbling and kicking off her blanket, ready to start the day. There were so many days I spent paralyzed with fear that we would never know parenthood. And experiencing it makes me want that for all of you so much more. 

Two days ago we got a certified letter from my RE. It’s a letter requesting direction on what we would like to do with our remaining embryo. It's also bill for storage fees. We of course plan to keep it, for now. The further we got in to the process of Infertility, the more we felt like just one baby would suffice. Partially was because of the financial implications. We knew it would take plenty of money to get pregnant to begin with, so we assumed we may not be in the position to A. do IVF more than once, and 2. We sort of liked the idea of being able to provide the extras (including paying for college) for one child as opposed to maybe splitting our resources between two. I think another big reason was that I just felt so fragile then. Like one baby would be all I could ever handle. 

But now that Leah is here, I look into her eyes and when I think about the amount of love and joy I get from seeing her little face- well I just can’t imagine not at least trying to experience all of that again. I loved being pregnant, and I love watching her grow. And I would love, love, LOVE to experience this all over again. I of course realize that this is a very premature conversation, because A. Umm, i just had a baby five months ago. 2. We don't know if we will be in the position to afford another child. and C. Don't even know if our one remaining embryo would make it through the thaw, let alone implant post transfer. But I will tell you this.  I will never go on Birth Control again, and I will never do a fresh IVF cycle again. IVF was fucking hard, really hard. Granted I did not have the smoothest cycle, (Remember the Whore-bag Cyst that delayed my cycle by SEVEN weeks???), Obviously worth it, but still... And as far as the birth control goes, there are two reasons. The first being that because of my clotting disorder MTHFR, I shouldn't be on any progesterone based Contraception pill because it can increase my risk of stroke. (yes, I know there are other options) And second, even though three different RE's told us we had a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally; if we get pregnant and it DOESN'T cost us 20k - I'm okay with that. 

Part of me is surprised by my feelings on this, because I was pretty well set on being happy with one baby. But to tell you the truth I have missed being pregnant from the day after I delivered. And now more than ever, I feel like being a mother is something I was made to do. And I hope that we are lucky enough with all aspects to be able to have another baby someday, but if not I know I won't regret a thing, and that we are still very lucky to have the most amazing baby girl ever.